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Childless stepmom, what is the ideal implication ?

Beatrice Audrey's picture

I have 1 SD, 16 and one SS, soon to be 13. I have been in their life for about 5 years now and as officially their stepmom, about 2. My husband and I seem to have difficulty agreeing when it comes to the discipline aspect of things as well as the responsibilities. Both of those teens are VERY spoiled. They are inconsiderate and have absolutely no respect for anyone that lives in the house. Especially their father. They scream and swear at them, without ever getting punished. Sure, he'll tell them their being grounded, but this just happened today that the 13 y/o, screamed at his father while getting in the car because we were 15 minutes to pick him up from school (in my opinion, it is already an enormous favor we are giving him to pick him up, he should take the bus, we live in a small town and there is a direct bus going to and from school). So the boy screamed and yelled that we had kept him waiting (stuck in traffic), my husband told him he was grounded. I thought... perfect, that'll show him he can't act like that. Well you know what ? 1 hour after that incident, the boy asked him to go play hockey with a friend and my husband said yes... I then said: I thought he was grounded. And he said: don't get into this, I make the rules. And I am getting frustrated of never being able to discipline these spoiled and bratty teens that live in my house. The SD is also a handful. She gets an allowance every week for doing close to nothing (he pays her 20$ an hour to put stamps on letters he wants to send out for the business) because she doesn't want to work for someone else at a real job because she wants flexible hours so she can see her boyfriend. Who by the way, is allowed to sleep at our house IN HER BED!!!! I never would allow that and I have fought many times with DH because of that, but then again, he says it's not my place to say anything. But it is still my house also. It is violating my values in my own house and I can't seem to find what to do about it. One more thing. My husband pays for the utility costs (heating and electricity), but I do groceries since I cook more often. That is what we agreed upon at the beginning. However, it frustrates me, because SS is eating like a pig. Literally eating for 3 grown men. He empties the jars, boxes, fruits,cheese, everything I buy, and before anyone has the chance to even eat something. I had bought 2L of yogurt in a pouch thinking I could make some smoothies for breakfast during the week... He ate the whole thing in not even 2 days. He ate 2 pounds of bacon in one sitting. I don't want to seem cheap, but groceries are expensive and it frustrates me that a lot of the time, I have to go to the grocery store more than 3 times a week when he is there because he goes through a gallon of milk every 2 days. It's nonsense to me. I don't really know what to do, I get it, he is a growing boy and he does sports, but do you have to be a pig because of that. And I have approached this to my DH many times and he says: my kids are the way they are, if you don't like it you can leave. I really don't know what to do

tog redux's picture

Your DH sounds like a peach! He won't parent his kids and he expects you to pay for all groceries, while he pays the utility bill, which where I live, would be less than 1/4th what groceries cost.  I personally would start getting only my share of groceries. 

I agree it's his job to parent his kids and his decision on how they are disciplined, that's how it worked in our house - BUT, my DH was a good parent and none of the nonsense you described above ever would have happened. 

So what keeps you there? I'd take him up on his suggestion and leave. 

Rags's picture

Your DH is an ass.  He treats you as the live in chef and meal ticket with benefits and not as his equity life partner.   As an equity life partner you are an equity parent to any children in your marital home, regardless of kid biology.  

DH needs to grow some parental balls, step up and parent, or STFU while you do it.  If he does not like how you parent and discipline, he can step up and get it done before you have to.  The same applies for you.  Since he doesnt parent or discipline, step up and bring a state of abject misery down on these toxic pelvic projectiles which is something they have never had. An envolved, standards based parent.

As for the glutton of an SS.  No more large scale shopping.  Shop only for what you need for a single meal at home and pick up what you eat on your way to work each AM.  That still meets the terms of your agreement with DH to buy groceries, it just minimizes the SS's opportunity to be a glutton.

I would not tolerate this if I were you and I would start by being hip deep up both SD's and SS's asses over their behavioral crap and I would be up DH's ass about his lack of daddy balls in parenting his behavioral deficient spawn.

If this marriage ends, it is no great loss for you to put this failed father and his spawn fading in your rear view mirror.

BethAnne's picture

If you went to a bar/restuarant/store with really loud music and you tried really nicely to ask them if they could turn it down as you could not think or hear anyone you were with and they told you that if you don't like the music you can leave - I bet you would leave. That establishment does not care about your buisness, so why should you give them your time, energy and money?

Your husband does not care about your well being. I would leave if he cannot try to at least find compromises and if he said it was his way or the highway. That is not a partnership, that is a dictatorship. You deserve a partner who wants to make you comfortable and wants to talk to you about ways to do that and is willing to do the hard work of implementing solutions that you two come up with. This guy doesn't want that, and would rather you leave than he change things. Take him to his word and leave. 

ndc's picture

Take him up on his offer to leave. This won't get better because your H is not willing to change.