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HE FOOLED ME

tcooper0408's picture

So two weeks ago I find out im pregnant. Exciting day of my life. My husband, ugh. He has ptsd and is suffering really bad this past month.I didnt find out what happened to him until we got married which was a total shock and he got really depressed now when i told him im pregnant hes doing it again. Hes been really distant. He talked about how excited he was when his only child from the ex was born all the things he did. For my pregnancy he is so distant! He barely talks about it. NOT EVEN THAT, HE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE 1ST DOC APPOINTMENT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT! I asked him why doesnt he want to go and his response "dont you women like to do that alone" my response "dont you want to hear the babys heartbeat" his response "no" OMG IM A MESS RIGHT NOW I CANT STOP CRYNG. I cant believe he said that. He was there with his ex step by step and brags about how she didnt deserve it because she was a whore! BUT ME, FOR ME, HE CANT DO IT! I feel like packing his stuff and his daughters and putting im out!Ill rather deal with my pregnancy alone than deal with him. HOW DOES HE EXPECT FOR ME TO LOVE AND NURTURE HIS OWN CHILD IF HE CANT SEEM TO BE ATTACHED TO THIS ONE IM HAVING. HIS DEPRESSION IS MAKING ME DEPRESSED AND ITS NOT HEALTHY. I am afraid that when his daughter comes tomorrow im going to be an extreme bitch and i know its not her fault. im just so angry! How can a man say he does not want to hear his babys heartbeat? I feel like he thinks he's disappointing his daughter with this baby (we havent told her yet shes 9 and a daddys girl AKA BRAT). I have a husband with PTSD, NO MOM OR DAD...So i feel like im in this alone. Im sure he will say he was just playing later when he comes home and see's how upset I am. But i doubt it because after he said it he said ok love you bye. WHATS WRONG WITH HIM!

tcooper0408's picture

NOT ONLY THAT. WHEN HE TOLD HIS MOM I WAS PREGNANT OVER THE PHONE SHE GOT MAD AND SAID WHY TELL ME LIKE THIS..HIS RESPONSE "IVE HAD A KID BEFORE SO IT REALLY DOESNT MATTER" WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO INSIGNIFICANT.. I FEEL LIKE HE GOT ME PREGNANT JUST TO BE TRAPPED FOREVER INSTEAD OF REALLY WANTING ONE

the_stepmonster's picture

I'm soooo sorry you are going through this. Is he taking anything for it? My father has PTSD but is on medication for it. When we were younger he was very depressed and drank alot. When they finally diagnosed him and put him on meds he was a completely different (and happier) person. No woman should have to go through this emotional abuse, especially when you are pregnant and even more prone to emotional hormonal imbalances. My DH hasn't told SD9 yet either and I'm already 14 weeks. I think he is worried about her reaction, which makes me upset because he should be excited about having this baby. He was quick to tell everyone else and take that moment from me when I was barely 6 weeks but now that I'm starting to show and there are pregnancy books all over the house, he is dragging his feet. It's to the point where he takes down the U/S pics from the fridge, hides the books, etc. when she comes over.

briarmommy's picture

I hate to say this but unless he is willing to get help for his PTSD you should leave. Someone very close to me has PTSD, he has never gotten help and he has been suffering since the gulf war, his wife took there children and actually moved out of state, even he agrees on his good days that it was the right decision. I'm not saying move out of state but if he isn't willing to get help you need to do what is best for you and your child. Make him move out, then continue seeing him, him moving being back in can be discussed once he gets help. I think in the long run and short for that matter it will make your pregnancy less stressful. Don't make it an ultimatium, just fact, he works on him and then you work on eachother.

dreamingofhappiness's picture

WOW... a lot of negative... 1st Congrats on the pregnancy... That is great news... Be patient with you. You are worrying about 2 now, not just 1.

2nd look at what your step daughter is going through with her parents being separated. Do you want to live that life as well? Bring him to a doctor, get him help. You married him. Granted not all information was disclosed prior to wedlock, but you still married him. He needs meds. PTRD is not something that just goes away. There are people he can go to, take him.

You want this to work for the both of you. Then help your husband. Do not shun him, and do not force him to handle it alone, you never know what you may walk into. Especially when it is the "down" time....

Good luck with your little one...

emotionaly beat up's picture

He is suffering from PTSD and you are hormonal, not a great time to be making decisions about packing anyones bags and throwing them out. But an excellent time for you to discuss this with your doctor so you have some professional support.

Congratulations on this baby, it is your first, and never again will you have your 1st baby. It should be a wonderful time for you but it's not, and I am so sorry for that, you must be feeling pretty let down and awful right now and mother in law's comment was pretty cruel.

ALLGIRLS post above is correct men who do not has PTSD don't understand pregnancy the way women do, so I guess if your husband is going through a rough time right now it will be difficult enough for him to get himself through the day without taking this on board.

I think I would just tell him you really would like to have him there it is important to you, perhaps once your tummy grows and the baby kicks he might find it a bit more real and become more involved, perhaps not. But whichever way he reacts to this, as allgirls said your baby can feel your emotions and while I understand you are feeling somewhat depressed right now and it is hard, for the baby's sake I would try to find a way to put a more positive spin on things for yourself, try to find some friends that will support you. Even if they are only on this site, at least you can get out your anger here and no one will give you long term grief over it.

The fact that he has had another child with another woman may be eating into you right now, if it is, try not to think about that,because it doesn't matter how long or how hard you think about it, the outcome is going to be the same, this is his 2nd child and it is different for him. There is nothing you can do, think or say that is going to change that so please don't stress over something you have no control over, right now your husband's condiiton is more than enough stress for you to handle.

If you can get him to see a doctor that would be by far the best thing that could happen, but I understand when people are at there most depressed, that is usually the time they think they don't need any help and drive the rest of us to an early grave with worry. If you cannot get him to go, then you cannot, but you absolutely must for your sake and for the baby's talk to your own doctor and find out how you can help yourself, your baby and your husband.

I would think twice at this time about throwing him out - does he deserve it, well in your eyes he probably does and I can certainly understand that, but he is quite sick and yes you got cheated he should have told you about the PTSD but he didn't and now you feel cheated, lied to, insignificant, jealous of the ex (don't be she is the ex), you are his wife, and ready to take it out on first child when she comes for a visit, don't that will only add to your problems.

I think your only solution is to a)try to get him to a doctor, b)get some professional help as to how to deal with your husband's condition, c) leave, but please wait till at least a year after the baby is born, your hormones are running ragged right now, give your marrige a chance. In time, he will probably come around, I sincerly hope he does, if he does not, then by all means leave, but do it when you yourself are in a healthier state of mind.

All the very best of wishes for you, I hope you have a smooth sailing pregnancy (well health wise at least), and that you find the support you need. Enjoy this precious little baby that is growning inside you, because you won't get the time to next baby even a 2nd baby will be different for you, you wont' get to lie in when you are feeling sick, you won't have time to sit and rub your tummy and daydream about the future and the impending birth of this baby - BECAUSE YOU WILL BE RUNNING YOURSELF RAGGED LOOKING AFTER NO:1 CHILD. Smile Good Luck hon., I wish you all the best.

z3girl's picture

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Is he getting treatment for the PTSD? That has to be tough for you even without the pregnancy.

Are you happy with the pregnancy? If so, enjoy it as much as you can for yourself. Even though we both tried so hard for our baby, DH wasn't exactly supportive when I became pregnant. He didn't want us to tell ANYONE until I was in the second trimester. He also only went to ONE appointment the entire pregnancy, and that was the 20 week ultrasound.

I was lucky SD wasn't talking to DH before our baby was born because I would have reacted the same way toward her the way you are afraid you will toward your SD.

havesimplyhadit's picture

Tell him to leave and take his sweet little special brat with him, the brat that is more special than your all new baby. Then pack his stuff and throw it out the front door!

Okay, so I really doubt you can do that, but it's worth a try!

tcooper0408's picture

Thank you all for your replies...I had a talk with him and he agreed to get some help AGAIN...i asked him to take it serious if he wants us to have a healthy family because i dont want my child seeing a depressed dad all the time. When his daughter comes around he fakes being happy and puts on an act soon as she leaves I have to deal with the depression. I love him but I have to think of my future even more now! I really hope he gets better.