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Fuzzy memories of the first years of our marriage

Old sm's picture

I have a really odd question.

When I married DH, things went downhill really quickly.  SD was a horrible manipulative brat, MIL was interfering constantly, DH was overly permissive and obsessive parent to SD; I was jealous of the mini wife and generally not a great stepmom.  Then our 2 kids came along.  For years, the only reason I came home from work was because of my kids and the only reason I didn't divorce him was for our children.  It was an extremely stressful and hard marriage for about 12 or so years.  He never hit me; he just was a crappy spouse and both he and SD made my life miserable.   Things are much better now; I grew a backbone and stood up for myself; SD has moved out, DH is a better husband and our marriage is in good shape.

But, I look back at photo albums and I look at pictures I took during that period of time and I don't remember taking them. DH will say things like "do you remember.........." and I don't have a clear memory of it; it's like a fuzzy memory.  I know it happened, I know I was there but it's like our marriage was so traumatic at the time, my mind has blocked alot of things to protect me.  I was so stressed that I was functioning but not really living if you know what I mean.

Have any of you experienced that??

 

Kes's picture

I haven't - I tend to recall everything, no matter how stressed I was at the time - but my DH has a very similar experience to you.  Huge tranches of his life with NPD BM he cannot remember at all.  I tend to believe him - he is a boarding school survivor who was sent away from his parents in one African country at the age of 8, to a school in another African country.  Dissociation is part of his psychological make up and I suspect also part of yours.  You might want to do some reading around this phenomenon if you want to know more. 

Rags's picture

Interestingly my DW qne I were just discussing her and our ancient history this AM.  My BIL2 is starting to navigate divorce from his adulterous whore of a STBXW and BIL2 is trying to work though the process while being active in raising his 2yo daughter.

My DW has a fairly well developed self preservation technique where she can pretty much purge aging memories of unpleasant times from her mind.  We were talking this AM about her first court experiences when SS was under a year old and the SpermIdiot was cheating.  Though the SpermIdiot was on the Skid birth certificate apparently DW had to get a paternity order in conjunction with nailing him for CS.  I recall her telling me about her elderly attorney who worked that effort for her as his last hurrah before retiring. This AM she had no memory of that.    Occasionally she will have an OMG moment and remember something seemingly at random from her 16 and pregnant and teen mom years and traumatic crap that the SpermClan perpetrated.

I am not sure if it is fortunate, a blessing or a curse but I remember just about everything in significant detail.  My memory is event and experience based so it is not like I can look a page of text and recall it like a photograph.  But I do have highly detailed recall of most of my life.  Good and bad.

Like you, my DW has no memory of much of the stressful times she lived while with the SpermIdiot.

JRI's picture

Like you, Old SM, i had a quite traumatic early few years with my DH.  Long story short, the first 4 years were hell while the SKs went from one house to the other.  To my surprise, things got better once they all moved in, even tho all 5 were hitting pre-puberty at the same time.  I look on it as a blessing thst I remember so little.  Like you, i look at pictures and fuzzy partial memories come up.  Sometimes, i am sad when I see the depressed look on my face.  The kids remember much more than I do.  They say. Remember this or that?  Usually, i don't.  They are secretly monitoring me for dementia, I'm sure.  Lol.

Old sm's picture

At least you were in the pictures. I was usually the one behind the camera. A lot of gaps occurred especially once SD got into high school and her behaviors were out of control and DH was letting her do anything she wanted. Men, sex, truancy, abortions... it was a really bad time in our family. I can remember having her by her shirt and up against a wall bc I was going to beat the crap out of her but can't remember her birthday parties

Rags's picture

BioParents who tolerate this kind of crap from the failed prior marriage/relationship  breeding experiments are just pathetic.

smh

JRI's picture

I think you forgot drugs, runawsys, lies, police, theft....

Old sm's picture

For us, no drugs that I was aware of. And DH was big buddies with the police chief so SD got by with a lot of things

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think sometimes our brains delete stressfull or traumatic events as a coping mechanism.

I'm older now, but I used to have a phenomenal memory. I can remember bits of being two - three y.o., and a great deal after that. However, I remember very little of my mother's funeral, or the rest of that day. My brain fuzzed it out to protect me.

OTOH, my DH and his sibs (all of whom had traumatic childhoods) remember very little of their younger days. If you recited a synopsis of what they endured, they'd likely be surprised to hear it packaged in that manner. It's as if by unspoken agreement they've collectively expunged the worst and rebranded the bad.

What's concerning is how often stepparents are exposed to extended periods of stress and trauma, and how little awareness/acknowledgement there is of this. 

Momma788's picture

I would say the worst times were when both my kids were born. After my son BM threw a fit and started accusing me of being this horrible woman and then after my second was born she called my husband every day to help her. SD didn't help either making up lies to her mother. I remember being 5 months pregnant and sleeping on the couch for 5 days over something with SD. Unfortunately I remember everything and yes it was hell. But things are not getting better they are worse. Today divorce was mentioned because my husband seems to blame me for everything that's gone wrong. 

Rags's picture

He played the D card so go for blood.  Get the most viscous killer shark attorney and do everything in your power to protect yourself and your children from this toxic asshole.

Your DH's failures in his first marriage, his failed prior relationship breeding experiments,  his failed parenting and failed manhood are not your fault.  Now it is time to rub his nose in the stinky spots of his life's failure carpet and own his ass.

Protect yourself, get this POS under control and keep him there.

The only one to blame is him. For being such a proven abject failure.

Take care of  you.