You are here

Empty nest soon

Old sm's picture

I've been married for 22 years to DH.  It's been a really rough ride being a stepparent to his mini wife daughter and wife to a control freak Disney Dad that was easily manipulated by her. We had 2 kids together and sometimes, they were the only reason I even came home at night after work. All those years of torture really did a number on our marriage.  I had to separate our accounts; I've set up my will so my children will inherit directly; alot of the passion and respect I had for him when we first married is pretty much nonexistent.  It was a hard 12 years living with the 2 of them.

Now, I still love my husband and SD moved out 10years ago which was the turning point in our marriage. Things are much better between the 3 of us but it's mostly because I disengaged from their relationship and have learned just not to give a damn anymore. SD and I get along quite well now; DH and I have a decent relationship, too-not one of those "soulmate" relationships but good enough to keep a marriage together. We still love each other, take care of each other, depend on each other and we adore our children. Divorce is not an option to either of us.

Our last child is graduating from high school; soon, the house will be empty of all our kids.  I remember when I first married DH I was so looking forward to this time when we'd finally have our house and marriage to ourselves. There were so many plans to travel and do things together. Now, after all I've been through, I really am not that interested in having him to myself. We both work full time; he does his things, I do mine. I don't really find him attractive anymore but I'm sure time has taken a toll on me as well.  The thought of going away for a romantic weekend with him is laughable. We have separate bedrooms; last time we were intimate was God knows when. We are just roommates now with 3 kids in common.

I will finally be getting my husband to myself and now, it just doesn't seem to matter that much anymore. 

For those of you who are sticking it out for the long haul, I hope you fare better.

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

as you are although the particulars are different.  My SO and I are not married but have been together almost 15 years.  He has a son and daugher who he is basically estranged from.  I have no children of my own.

Like you, we had lots of plans for our "retirement" years and what we could/would do once we were free of the daily work yoke.  Sadly, I don't think much of it will happen - or if it does, it won't be as enjoyable as planned.   I am now at the stage that I am indifferent to spending time with him. 

I think that the stepkids' shenanigans and how they've dismissively and disrespectfully treated their father (while they hold BM in awe as the sacred cow) has had an impact on him, especially at this stage of his life.   With his work career nearly over and his kids non-existent in his life, he is a disenchanted and increasingly bitter man. It has fundamentally changed him.  Plus, there have been some particularly traumatic series of events caused by his son which are pretty unforgivable. 

Because of this, he's told me that he doesn't know if he will ever be the same again.  He is in a constant state of doom and gloom and is truly broken spirited.  Instead of doing the things we planned and saved for, he is now back-peddling and acting like he won't ever be willing to do so.  This is not what I signed up for.   I've told him repeatedly over the past couple of years that he needs to get psychological help and he refuses.  

Instead, he finds myriad ways of nitpicking at me over the slightest things.  I think it's his way of letting off emotional steam but that doesn't give him an excuse to do it.  I've talked to him about it, tried calmly pointing it out when he does it, and have told him it's hurtful to me.  Immediately he gets defensive and then starts his "woe is me" martyr act.   It's a classic case of dishing it out but not being able to take it.  He can criticise/challenge/correct me all day long but if I do the same he acts like I've just cut out his heart.   However, he can't understand his drip-drip-drip negativism is indeed killing me - like a daily dose of papercuts you can't get away from.  

I'm tired of it.  

I sure as hell know that I'm not always a barrel of fun to be around and have my own faults which are annoying.  But I can honestly say that I don't think I do anything to him which would be construed as intentionally hurtful.   For the longest time, I initiated all acts of intimacy and he rebuffs those now too.  So I don't bother any more. 

I think I'm approaching another crossroad in my life.  All I know is that I will not spend the last chapters being with someone who is the human equivalent of a dark raincloud.   If he had this kind of negative personality when I first met him, I NEVER would have continued to date him. 

What do we do when the person we fell in love with seems to have become a person we cannot possibly love?

 

 

 

StepUltimate's picture

... and even harder knowing I am on a similar rocky path. What SS & BM have put me, DH, SS & other members of DH's family through is exhausting & hard to bear. My marriage is impacted by the manipulations & laziness that have been run by SS via his BM's training and I am looking forward to him leaving the nest. We all know he's not ready and I know (DH does, too) I don't want to be hosting an adult with SS's level of effort next year - he can take his lazy lifestyle elsewhere. However, I'm just listening to DH's desire for SS to go to community college but don't see it happening. Aware of the contrast between what SS tells us he's doing & what he is ACTUALLY doing.