Found a good therapist!
After reading so many horror stories of child-centric, first-family-first therapists, I was afraid that this one might be like that. But no! She said that playing happy family doesn't work, forcing too much "family" time doesn't work and that for relationships to form between skids and sparents, there needs to be time, but no expectation. That family-type relationships may never develop, just that respect and kindess should be expected. She also said that children who are coddled and spoiled because they're COD's become disabled and can't function as adults. She said THE MARRIAGE COMES FIRST. She also said it was completely inappropriate for BM to offer DH to stay at hers regularly during SS visits, something my inlaws had no problem with.
Not sure if her credentials have anything to do with it, but she's a psychotherapist in her early 70's with a phd from a prestigious school and also has a bit of a Buddhist bent. She's big on letting go of unrealistic ideals.