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the Enmeshment Cage is Comfortabe

CLove's picture

I brought this up in a regular blog post, and it was hitting me pretty hard.

Enmeshment.

SD14 munchkin started her week with us last night. And at the dinner table, conversation flowed a bit. I was exhausted from an emotional day and Dh was tired because thats what happens in his line of work.

I thought things were great. I had made little individual salads with garden grown tomatoes and herb vinagar olive oil dressing. DH had prepared my chicken by baking with seasoning and theirs had teriaki sauce. For me , no rice, for munchkin rice, and we all had corn.

We got to talking about different foods and carbs and fats and good fats and bad fats...etc. 

Then a little bombshell was dropped. Its hard to explain here. But for background Toxic Troll BM is very much into DR's, and is on disability for a head injury and MS. Shes morbidly obese. Munchkin is overweight too. And had been to the DR a while ago for some issues, and had her blood drawn and her glucose was discussed. Well apparently she wants to go back to the Dr. and get on a diet plan. She wants a detailed plan that tells her what she should eat and what she should not eat. Thats not the bombshell part.

She doesnt want it for herself. She mentioned that if she has a "shopping list" of what is good to eat, then her mother will buy it for her and will then eat those things herself. I asked point blank, "are you doing this for yourself?" Wrong question, I saw a frown.

Her reply was "not for myself, for my mom".

As the years have gone by, I see her slipping away bit by bit. Becoming more and more enmeshed with her mother. Now with this conversation I see it more clearly. She is thinking "Im doing this to benefit my mother, and benefit me, because I have to fix my mother, its my responsibility." Where does one end and the other begin? Where is her individuality? She is mirroring her mother in hopes of taking the ropes of her mothers household, now that Feral Forger SD21 is supposed to be moving 2 hours north to a big city. They get closer when there is no man around and no competition from SD21. The closer they get the more I know that I lose her.

Il learning folks. Stepping back. Im just more AWARE. And noticing, enmeshment is toxic and strangling and debilitating. But Im also thinking, what choice does she have? The only way too get healthy food in the other household is to take control of the situation and the only people that the Troll respects are DR.s Go figure.

BethAnne's picture

It is sad but inevitable that when you help raise her to be a sensitive, caring, thoughtful and responsible child she will want to use those skills to help her mother. I'm sorry that you have to watch her go through this. Hopefully in a few years she will realize that she can only do so much for others and it is not her responsibility to look after her mother. 

CLove's picture

I see that NOW. Why couldnt you have told me this 6 years ago?????

A good illustration of what you said:

we were chatting about different programs for people for housing. Section 8 came up. Her mother has doctors convinced that she has MS and nerve damage from a head injury (but still goes on trips). So shes on disability. I mentioned "oh yes, section 8 housing is where you get housing for a super low cost and Ill bet your mother can sign up and get in there, especially since she has YOU as her dependant.

So, last week I get a text and Dh gets a text that Toxic Troll wants Munchkins Social so she can sign up for section 8 housing.

Me, the stepmother, what do I know. Oh yes, eveything. I know her social. And this was on my 2 year wedding anniversary, I had to deal with Toxic Troll and her mini-me...yikes.

Wish I could have known ahead of time that I would not actually be reaping the benefits of all the good seeds Ive sown.

CLove's picture

I was told it was because "you are more organzed and my mother isnt all THERE". Yep, she said it I did not.

tog redux's picture

I really liked my SS when I first met him, he was 10.  I honestly thought DH and I had a chance to protect him from the crazy that went on at BM's.

HA. As he got older it became very clear I was mistaken.

It's not that the enmeshment cage is "comfortable", it's that it's powerful. The bond to a bio mother is very strong, and a sick one will turn the relationship on it's head - child becomes caretaker to the mother. It's not something obvious to them - of course she feels a strong urge to care for her mother, it's her MOM.  Will she figure it out as she gets older? Probably.

I know you care for her - just be the steady stepmom who is there for her, no matter what goes on with her mother. You can't control or fix that relationship, but you can be a good role model and support for her. 

CLove's picture

Ys, the Cage is ALL POWERFUL. There is no battling. I HAVE to give up.

Im afraid to admit this to you, but I have found that as they get closer, and (in my eyes) she takes on more enmeshmen, I find it repulsive, and want to get away from her, not even be around her. I used to LOVE her company.

And when she drones on and on about how her mother is doing this and that, and is struggling with this and that, (my poor mother the disabled victim!) Ive come to realise that Munchkin is starting to take advantage of me, and my being supportive of her is in actuality helping out her mother. Case in point: she will ask me for things, or her father, and because its her we dont ask the source. Ive started to, and Im realizing that behind much of it is her mother. She is doing a lot more than I know, to "fix things and help her mother". 

I am drawing the conclusion that in this realization, my desire to help HER is helping her mother. I cannot be there for her in that way. Im starting to feel that internal pushback of "Like heck am I going to help toxic troll in any way shape of form!" but since they are SO enmeshd and linked, its an inevitable outcome.

You know, like how some SO's will overdo things for the BM, because its to "help the child".

Now me the stepmother is being roped into that dynamic.

tog redux's picture

I totally get it, whereas I once really liked SS20, I began to increasingly find him repulsive, as he became more and more like BM - lying, manipulating, playing the victim.  I get it.

At some point I realized that I can't save SS from his lot in life as BM's son, and it was rather presumptuous of me to think I could, or that he'd even want that.

I eventually just shifted into polite and pleasant. My SS still likes me as far as I can tell, but our relationship is about 1/16th of an inch deep and consists mostly of "Hi, how are you? Oh, that's nice ... " pleasantries.

Maybe he will come around some day and we can have more of a relationship. Maybe not. I'm fine either way.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Clove honey, you've got to let go and just be. This is not your play; you didn't write the script, you can't direct the actors, and you won't be thanked for offering to help the production.

Because TT is who she is and your DH is who he is, the outcome is fairly predictable. And nothing you do or say is going to alter that.

CLove's picture

I hear you (read you) loud and clear. the die has been cast, the future is pretty much set. 

thats why I need a hobby. Im going crazy...

advice.only2's picture

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advice.only2's picture

We had this same problem with Spawn. She would tell us Meth Mouth was "sick" and that she needed to be with Meth Mouth more to help her get better. I never sugar coated it for Spawn. I would tell her "Your mom is an addict and unless she is ready to get herself clean, you being there isn't going to change that, she needs to want to get better for herself." Spawn of course hated me for that, but ehh I wasn't going to blow smoke up her a$$ like the rest of the adults in her life were doing.

Be up front with Munchkin, she can't fix her mom, overeating is the same as being a drug addict and unless her mother is willing to take the steps to help herself, Munchkin doing it for her isn't going to work. For the feel good you can tell her it's okay to want to help because she loves her mom, but ultimately it's her mom's choice to get better or not.

Or you can just disengage, that's what I had to do after years and years of the same back and forth with Spawn. These kids aren't stupid they know their parents are sh*t...why? Because they see how people like you and I are, NORMAL, and it kills them because they want their moms to be like us, normal. So they bend themselves over backwards trying to help their parent be normal and it doesn't work. I know you are in a hard situation I was the same way. I cared about Spawn and wanted the best for her like I do for my own kids. But at the same time she wasn't my kid, she had two sh*t parents who royally f*cked her up, and I had to learn to accept that and my place in her life as nothing. It's hard and it hurts, but eventually you get more comfortable with it and learn to care less and less.

CLove's picture

Thanks for this persepctive.

I am finding myself just really repulsed as I see that Munchkin is doing this more and more. She is taking the intentions and intellect and all the good I give and giving it to her mother. Energy transference.

Ive told her a few times "your father tried fixing your mother, it didnt work..." Or the last week, "hey I am concerned that you are trying to fix things and you wont go to college." She cannot handle the truth so I have to sugar coat EVERYTHING. Im the stepford stepmother - smiling and hmmmmmm are my default answeres to anything.

Feral Forger tried getting the Troll to lose weight by becoming a pescatarian, and eating  heathier. Drove me nuts, because eventually it became an attention seeking maneuver. Its history repeating itself.

Ill disengage. Im reading and rereading this:

These kids aren't stupid they know their parents are sh*t...why? Because they see how people like you and I are, NORMAL, and it kills them because they want their moms to be like us, normal. So they bend themselves over backwards trying to help their parent be normal and it doesn't work. 

You are spot on there. The better I am, the worse she feels about her mother, causing conflict. So I must disengage and hope it all comes around somehow. I just want the troll to stay over there under her bridge.

JRI's picture

Have you or Munchkin tried Weight Watchers?  I've been a member off and on for years.  I'm not Twiggy but I'm not obese like many female relations.  What I especially like is the food education.  There were and are so many things about food I don't know.  It encourages a person to learn to cook healthily, portion control as well as how to navigate eating out.  And, youre doing it all on regularly-available food. I took my daughter for awhile, she doesn't go now but I wanted her to experience it so she'd understand that support was available if she ever needed it.  I see many young ( pre-teen and older) girls, often with moms.

CLove's picture

My father is keto-ising me.

And Munchkin is asking me "is that Keto?" Which is sometimes cute (educational ) and sometimes not (why are you eating that shame on you)

JRI's picture

The reasons I think it would be especially good for her is 1) she could work around available food choices, 2) she would learn how to grocery shop, 3) she would learn how to handle eating out,  4) she would be encouraged to cook, 5) it would be another positive female role model  (ie, not you), 5) you would hate this, but it would indirectly benefit TT, meaning it would benefit Munchkin.

 

 

Harry's picture

Many people eat for that comfort they get from eating not because they are hungry.  Comfort Food.   Munchkin and her mother can relate to each other when eating. Something they  both enjoy doing.   Some mother/daughter time eating. Not fighting.   You feel good when you eat and feel good about the other person. 
 

If the idea of boys liking thin girls doesn't sink in, or not into BF / GF. Thing. It's going to take a long time to be healthy 

CLove's picture

Munchkin has taken an interest in baking. Cookies, cakes, treats. Her mother has started sending sweet cream pies from black bear diner, etc. They both are major sugar addicts.

I noticed also that ice cream bars after dinner are a father/daughter bonding thing. So taking that away is in effect taking away their bonding time. Same with rice because of it being a cultural identification point. DH is happy and proud that his belly is flattening from simply not eating these things. His energy is higher, too. Hes losing lbs here and there, and I think that its a struggle when SD14 "munch"kin is there because munching is their commonality.

And food and eating are en"joy"able. So I am taking away their joy when I dispose of the junkfood.

WOW. Thanks for that. Its a lightbulb that went off.

And here I have been wracking my brains to think of what the heck to do...I need to find a way to help replace those endorphins from eating.

YEP, NOPE Munchkin tells me she has no interest in those things. But I dont think she would admit to it, to me , anyway.

ITB2012's picture

Maybe cook together and then eat? You could control the ingredients a bit. Maybe some sort of hint about watch a cooking series even if it's one of those cake disaster things with her mom. Gradually move away from the actual eating. 

SMto3's picture

Thank you for the perspective. I now realize that this is exactly what has been the case since forever. Ss20 is enmeshed in his mother's life. Concerned about her homelessness and wanting to buy her a house while still living under my roof. Like you, I think "to hell if I help your mother, even if indirectly!". And we also told him that H left the house they bought together and she still lost it under foreclosure for refusing to pay the mortgage. Him buying her another house if he could doesn't fix the fact that she doesn't know how to pay bills and can't hack real life. He will have to think of a way to eternally support her. I hate steplife 

CLove's picture

speaking of housing,

Last week Munchkin was inquiring after her social security number, so her mother could apply for section 8 housing. Sucks.That we give our intentions, energy, $$ effort to a black hole that sucks it in and gives nothing back.

ITB2012's picture

She's also a teenager and drama runs through their veins at this age. I believe that was a lot of the advice you got last time, too: teens suck, ignore her. 

They all manage to find their own unique way of making the world brittle, unfair, and difficult. 

Nod and walk away. Keep walking. Some day she may follow, but she may not, and if she doesn't at least you didn't stand around waiting for her. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

"And here I have been wracking my brains to think of what the heck to do...I need to find a way to help replace those endorphins from eating."

This is the opposite of disengaging, Clove. COVID is magnifying a lot of issues these days, but I'm urging you to work more on you and less on them. You need get back to rocking your inner Buddhist, girl. Release attachment. Stop trying to change what is already in progress..

I've been in your shoes, neglected fourteen y.o. with a trashy mom and all. I regret many things, but a few I don't are:

  • Getting her into kickboxing classes.
  • Enrolling her in summer courses at the local community college.
  • Taking her to bookstores.
  • Taking her for a walk around the university I attended, pointing out various things and reminiscing about all the great times I had as a student.

I wasn't able to "save" or "change" YSD. That was never my role or my right, and her personality was already set.  At best, I was able to introduce her to some new things and show her some paths to improve her lot. We SMs all veer out of lane on occasion, but you need to re-center, let go, and start working the disengagement program again.

 

CLove's picture

Ex Julie - last night the shinto hit the fan, and we all sort of got into it.

We got into it a bit, cleared the air a bit, then Munckin revealed that her mother wants to take her to a neurologist (but not HER neurologist because he might think "Munchausen by proxy" gee...) for a head injury that happened almost 2 years ago. 

Alas, kiddo is drinking the coolaide and eating the magic cookies. All I can do is walk the eggshell pathway and keep my mouth shut.

Ispofacto's picture

I feel like 12-step programs should be madatory for everyone to attend, at least once.  Al-anon worked wonders for me.

You can't fix them.  Let go.