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Does this kind of stuff happen to you?

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

No matter the issues I have with things BM have done, I purposely refuse to say anything, positive or negative about BM to the kids. I save that for SO and for the diary that I keep in my head.

Several months ago, the youngest SS6 came home from school and said "mommy told me to tell you that you are not the mom and you have no business talking to me about anything" and I let SO know that I didn't appreciate it because we've had the conversation with the kids several times about me not being "mom" and not only that, she's sending messages through the kids.

Just this week, SS6 went to school without a lunch time dessert because he got into trouble at school the day before and this is the consequence SO and I have put into place. I picked the kids up from school and SS8 tells me "mommy told us to tell you that she gave [SS6] a $1 to buy a snack because you didn't give him one and that if you have a problem with it, then you can call her to talk about it".

That really happened.

stepmom22boys's picture

It use to happen to me... I would stop the steps when I heard the words 'mommy told me to tell you'. I would tell them that if the message was important that BM would communicate said message to DH-never me!

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

Thanks for that. I usually say nothing and then talk to SO about it. We are in the middle of a Social Study and the case worker mentioned that I should never respond or show any signs of any emotion when this happens so I was taking that approach. I'm gonna have to just cut them off now whenever they say anything starting with "mommy said".

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

The very first time that it happened he told the kids that it is fine for them to do things one way when with BM, but that when with DH and I, they kids should follow whatever rules are in our house. He also talked to the kids about respecting the lady of the house. He didn't say anything to BM but mentioned to attorney and to social study case worker as one of his concerns.

We hadn't heard anything from her for a while until the 2nd incident I mentioned and I feel the kids are just doing what they are told because they want to follow BM orders.

This time DH called the case worker and her suggestion was to call BM and see if he can work it out on his own. DH called BM about 20 minutes after the incident and asked if she'd given money for SS6 to buy a snack. Her response was "you never tell me what is going on with the kids, so I didn't know he wasn't supposed to have a snack". DH responded that this isn't the first time that she has done this and now the kids came home with their message from BM. BM denied ever saying it and told DH, "you shouldn't believe everything the kids say". DH said to her that this is not the first time this has happened and BM response was "well the kids come to my house with messages from you too"...which further lets me know that she did say what the kids said, but she is claiming that it is justified.

DH basically just asked her not to send any more messages through the kids and to contact DH if she has any questions about anything.

We will see how that goes.

sbm014's picture

This is what I do. SS will say "your not..." Or "my mom said" and I simply remind him I understand I am not your mom, but I am here and I deserve the same respect you give your dad. He doesn't respect his mom so uses it to get out of situations so I have to remind him I am not his mom but he is in our house and that is what matters.

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

You said "It is destructive. BM thinks she is ruffling your feathers but she is really damaging her child. So sad."

This is exactly my concern. Other than a few hiccups here and there, SSs and I actually have a good relationships. I recognize this may be intimidating to her, but I feel that her tactics are screwing with the kids because they are being forced to say these things to someone they actually like. And since she has not hesitated to send messages, I can only imagine the things that she may say about me that don't get passed along.

I'm glad my relationship with SSs isn't troubled at this point, otherwise these comments would make things much worse.

SMof2Girls's picture

That happened for a short time after DH and I got together. We quickly interrupted them and told the skids, "If Mommy needs to talk to us, she can do that herself. These are conversations for adults to worry about, not kids."

After a couple times, they stopped. The things they were saying were more about the relationship between DH and I; and not issues with the kids though.

Things like, "Mommy said that we'll never have a stepdad because Daddy broke her heart", or "Mommy said that she'll be alone forever because life just isn't fair" or "Mommy said we can't live with you all the time because we would break her heart even worse than daddy did".

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

That's just terrible but I'm glad that you were able to put an end to it.

Thankfully we didn't have to deal with this because when BM walked out on DH, she went to live with her bf, which SS8 remembers. So BM could never have an argument about DH relationship.

SMof2Girls's picture

BM cheated on DH several times. He forgave and stayed for the kids. Eventually it was enough .. after the SECOND (thankfully treatable) STD she gave him, he packed up and left.

Skids were too young to really remember any of the divorce .. and clearly didn't know about what BM did. And because DH is a bigger person, they'll probably never know either; despite all the lies they'll be fed about DH and me.

Thursdaysarethebestdays's picture

That sounds a lot like our situation. BM cheated on DH for a long time and he felt like he was supposed to stay and "be a good husband" by working through issues. DH said when BM ended up pregnant for 3rd time and he knew they hadn't had sex in over a year he knew it was over. BM left DH before he could leave her. DH never would have allowed BM to take the kids from him, but BM said she "wasn't ready for a family" and didn't even put up a fight about not taking the kids.

DH thought the kids were too young to remember anything and I think he is right about SS6, however, I am realizing little by little SS8 remembers quite a bit. In fact, just yesterday, he saw a commercial on tv and started giving me the long list of different places that he remembers BM living in "after she stopped living with us". I had to stop SS from talking because I didn't want to know her history. He was 5 at the time she left and the level of detail he recalls is scary.

TASHA1983's picture

Skid better be prepared for the fires of hell to rain down upon his ass if he EVER disrespected me in front of my BF or other wise. I certainly will not put up with it nor would my BF. And if BM wanted to make something out of it Lord have mercy on her waste of a soul because she won't know what hit her (right between the eyes) }:)