You are here

crazy histrionic BM - how do you win custody in court??

leladawn's picture
Forums: 

So I'll try to make this as short as I can. I'm brand new here and I'm hoping someone will be able to help..

I'm a divorced mom with 2 boys (6 and 9) who live with me and see their dad on the weekends. My bf has 3 kids (2 girls and a boy, 6, 8 and 9) who live with their BM, a narcissistic/histrionic woman who I would like to punch in the nose.

To give a brief history, they were married in 1999 and she had a son when he met her. She left him in 2008 after cheating on him numerous times, and is now almost 6 months pregnant with her bf of 9 months' baby (it was an "accident"). She has since lost custody of her son (who is now 13) and he wants nothing to do with her. He still keeps in close contact with my bf and comes to visit him (he lives in NC, we live in canada) a couple times a year. The 3 kids that they have together live with their BM. My bf has access to them every weekend, from fri after work until sunday night and on thurs nights as well. They've been separated for 1 1/2 years now, but have gone virtually nowhere in the legal sense. He's too much in debt from the marriage to afford a lawyer anymore but the situation has gotten really bad. He and I have been together for 6 months now, and when she found out about me she freaked out on him (even though she herself is in and has been in numerous relationships). She said that I wasn't their mother, that she was, and she had a tearful breakdown.

After her little meltdown she started to keep the kids away from him, slowly at first (she wouldn't pick up the phone or return his calls), then she actually would keep the kids with her on the weekends or on thurs nights. She would simply text him saying "this weekend isn't going to work out. I have plans with the kids" and that was it. He was heartbroken but didn't want the kids to see a fight so he did nothing about it. This became more frequent (at least every other weekend) and then some weekend he would have to basically beg her to take them and she would "let" him take them for a few hours, or maybe overnight on a night that was supposed to be his time anyway! Since january he has just been telling her he's taking them and he does but now his son (the 9 year old) hasn't been coming. The BM called social services and made a ridiculously unfounded claim about child abuse (this man is an amazing father and seriously one of the most gentle men I've ever met), and she has his little boy telling him "daddy you'll just get mad at me" for everything. I researched it and this situation fits parental alienation perfectly. He has barely seen his son the last month (but when his son is with him its clear that he's in no way afraid of his dad) and I'm afraid its just going to get worse.

The BM doesn't take proper care of the kids (his younger daughter will come from her moms house with an odour and the same underwear she's been in for days), they've missed so much school, either by being an hour or an hour and a half late or just not showing up at all, because she's just too lazy to take them (from sept to jan, his son missed 17 days of school and was late for 25, his daughters missed 10 days each and were late for 27 and 30 days - he got a record from the school). she has a full time live in nanny even though she has no job and the kids are all in full time school. His kids also know way too much about the details of what's going on (from her veiwpoint of course - she lies to them a lot) and always ask him why he's being "so mean to mommy" or why certain situations are going on. They lie to him about going to school, and the other day his daughter told him "mommy said I don't have to answer any questions you ask me about anything" (even "how was your day" or "why are you upset"). She also said on sat "daddy, mommy is trying to make it so we never see you again.... But I love you anyway". This little girl is only 8! She also tells them (and has told them for months now, even before she got pregnant - yeah, big "accident" there) that she is getting married to her current bf and he's going to be their stepdad.. Ummm.. She isn't even divorced yet! She also told them that "daddy is sad about everything but he shouldn't be because he has ..... (Me) in his life now" (implying that he doesn't need his kids because he's got ME??? Sick...)

These kids are being neglected and severely emotionally abused at the hands of this truly psychotic woman and my bf wants to go for custody but he has no money for a lawyer or for a section 15 (custody and access) report. Its come down to him having to represent himself and he's not sure where to start. How do you expose this in court? How can he get his kids? Has anyone here won custody in a situation like this one? What do we focus on in court so that it doesn't just look like mudslinging?

soverysad's picture

Take as much documentation as you can. take the school records, absences, get medical records, document the times she doesn't allow visitation, document every word she says to him, bring documentation of the unfounded abuse charges.

Don't focus on her being "crazy" focus on the best interests of the children (going to school on time, having a relationship with both parents, etc.)

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

Everyones Interest's picture

Has she been diagnosed with any personality disorders?

Do they have any form of seperation agreement - filed with the court or otherwise?

First and foremost is to re-establish the visitation. If he does not, he creates status quo and will not look good to the courts. Is the son just refusing to come?

You can do this on your own! I know because I did. I sent you a PM and may be able to direct you somewhere that was invaluable to me when helping my FH gain joint custody of his DD.

The things that you have mentioned would be of interest to CPS, especially the missed schooling. Have they ever been involved?

***Life - It's not a rehearsal***

leladawn's picture

Thank you for your replies Smile

She hasn't had an official diagnosis but I read the section 15 report that was done when she lost her 13 year old son. It said that she's very deceptive and that she displays tendencies consistent with histrionic and narcissistic personality disorder. It also mentions a concern with her ability to care for the day to day needs of all of the children involved.

He goes to pick up his kids and the girls run out to the car right away. His son either won't talk to him at all (this is what happened last night, he only whispered things in the BMs ear) or he looks sad and says that he just doesn't feel like or want to come. A few weeks ago he (the DS) had a complete breakdown - he was super excited to go but he was in dirty clothes so my bf had him change before they left. He helped him pull his shirt (a golf shirt) over his head but the buttons weren't all undone so it got caught on his DS's nose. DS started screaming about how my bf hurt him and he didn't want to go - my bf stayed for an hour trying to talk with him but the BM woudnt let them talk, she just stood beside the DS and said things like "don't worry, you'll be 10 soon and then you can choose, you'll never have to go to his house again". She took all of the kids 3 days later and filed a report with social services, which is now closed.

There isn't a separation agreement in place because they can't agree on the terms. She wants more money, he literally doesn't have it because he took on all of the debt from the marriage.

He called social services a week and a half ago about the school records and what I mentioned earlier but they said its part of the school act, not child protection, and that the other stuff is family court related. She also told him outright that from her point of view, she had to see him partially as a retaliating ex. I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time BM has accused him of something to social services. They've apparently reopened the file though because my bf's stepsons dad (who has a good relationship with my bf as well) called in and said his own bit. I've called in too, and my bf's stepson (the 13 year old) is so upset about what's happening to his brother and sisters that even he wants to call in.

I'm on my way right now to buy a tape recorder for my bf..

soverysad's picture

Make sure it is legal to record conversations.

The section 15 report in her other case can probably be used in court.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

leladawn's picture

its legal in canada, as long is there is one person (my bf) consenting

From what I understand, I think that the section 15 can be used as a reference point but it doesn't hold too much weight because it was xase specific for the BM, her son and his dad

I guess another question I have then is if the BM is brainwashing him in such a way that he refuses to leave BM's house. My bf doesn't want to take his DS out kicking and screaming and any time my bf thinks his DS might come, DS looks at BM (they stick to each other like glue) and won't come. I knoe that once he's away from his BM he's fine and loves being at my bfs house but how can he get him there if he won't come?

soverysad's picture

I think he should take him kicking and screaming. We had to do this with Creature several times. I am sure his anxiety is driven by bm and he'll be fine once he is away from her. By allowing him to decide to stay with her, you're doing two things 1) making him responsible for an adult decision which fuels his anxiety and 2) giving bm more opportunity to alienate him from his father. I know it is hard for bf to upset his kid, but this is one area where I believe it is absolutely necessary so the child can see that mommy isn't in complete control and that he can have a mind of his own. My dh went through this and it was horrific, but his daughter is much better off now.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

leladawn's picture

I can say with almost 100% certainty that if he does that, BM will run straight to social services. Even worse, she might call the police on him. Will my bf get in trouble if he does this? Is it within his rights?
(I agree with you, by the way, I think he would be fine once he got out of there)

Also though, if he's going to court wil the judge frown upon it if he did that? She already trying to make him out to be abusive, will it hurt his case?

soverysad's picture

I am not sure, since you don't have a custody arrangement. I would say, though, that since he is the father and she doesn't have a custody paper, either, he should be fine. the police don't like to get involved in these messes. If the police did come, he could say he is their father, it is contentious and there is no arrangement in place, though he is working on it.

Wingnut tried to paint dh as abusive too. She turned us in to social services. In fact, sd also told many doctors that dh hit her, but everyone saw through it. That isn't to say it is full-proof. This is another reason you want to get medical records - to show there is no history of abuse requiring medical attention. As long as you have papers showing the claims are unfounded, you should be okay. In fact, the judge may frown upon her for putting her kids through this nonsense, especially since she all ready lost custody of one child (even though it was a separate case). My guess is she'll show her true colors in front of a judge as well.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

leladawn's picture

ok I should have said this before (sorry, totally my fault) - they don't have a separation agreement but there is an order in place from a JCC they had last year. He gets the kids every weekend plus thursday nights.

I guess what I'm worried about would be the way him physically dragging his DS out of the house would affect his chances in court or social services..

That's horrible! I was so ignorant to this before but there are so many horror stories out there! I guess I'm learning fast. Its sad. These women have to know exactly what they're doing, these are their children! So did it eventually calm down for you then, or is it still going on? You said you went through it with your SD, does she realize what has happened?

soverysad's picture

If you have an order giving him parenting time, he should exercise ALL of it. If she won't produce children, call the police and / or file contempt charges (you can do this without an attorney). Take all of the kids for scheduled visitation regardless of whether they cry. This should not make you look bad to judge / social services. In fact, I suspect they'll see it for what it is. Buy a video camera and video kids in your care to show that they are fine and happy there (this was very convincing in our case). Things are good now. Wingnut figured out we are not giving her what she wants and has (for the most part) stopped trying (almost 4 years later). SD is almost 6, she doesn't really understand, but we talk to her about feelings and how it is ok to love both parents and how mommy is an adult and it isn't her job to make mommy happy.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

anita...sigh's picture

I'm from Canada too. Before his next visitation, have him contact the local RCMP about his next visitation pickup. Have him provide them with a copy of the order, that way, if psycho BM contacts the RCMP about DH dragging SS with him, they already have a heads up and may come and assist DH excercise his access.

We all smile in the same language

leladawn's picture

Ok so he's going to pick up the kids from BM's house after work today. Here's hoping it all works out..

soverysad's picture

Good luck.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

leladawn's picture

Thank you.. And Anita that's a great idea about contacting the rcmp, ill let my bf know. I know he called them a few days ago and asked them to help - they said they couldn't do anything to help because its a family court matter. If he just gives them a heads up though, that could make things go more smoothly..

soverysad's picture

That is a great plan Anita!!

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

leladawn's picture

He's there right now, she called the police and I'm waiting. He just texted me and said its bad..

I sent him with a recorder in his pocket, a court order in his hand and he called the police beforehand to let them know.

These children are always going to remember this :(.. Why can't she just see..

soverysad's picture

What happened? Please update us. These women will never see. But hopefully the kids will remember that their father fought to see them.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

leladawn's picture

So when my bf went to get the kids, the girls ran out to the car right away and his son was just standing at the top of the stairs. My bf asked him to come down at first, then when he wouldn't come my bf finally told him that he needed to come, and that he would give him to the count of 5 to come or he would pick him up and bring him. The BM started freaking out, screaming "you can't do that!" and telling his son he didn't have to go. She called the police and when they got there the officer tried everything he could to convince bf's son to go with my bf. He almost did but BM wouldn't leave his side and he refused. The officer even asked him what was wrong and why he didn't want to go but his son wouldn't give an answer. He finally said it was bc my bf's house is small and my bf has a loud voice.

The officer told my bf that there was no reason his son shouldn't go with him and he wanted to help but that his hands were tied unless there was a police enforcement clause in the order. He told my bf to get down to the courthouse asap.

So now I have even more questions: I was reading about going in for an ex parte application requesting a police enforcement clause but would that even work? Does a 9 year old legally have to go to his dads if he refuses, even if there's an order? Is it better to just put together a whole case for custody and file it? What worries me on the last one is that it would take at least a week to organize what's there, then however long to be heard in court. This alienation thing is fairly new, its going to get a lot worse with time..

anita...sigh's picture

I've worked in the Courts, for lawyers (did loads of divorces, etc.). A 9 year old has no right to refuse. Do not wait to go to the Courthouse to file for custody.

You need to go ask the Court Clerk for assistance to file for an emergency ex parte Notice of Motion requesting that a police clause be added to your Court Order as BM is in breach and refusing to make the child comply with his visitation.

This is step one in building a parental alienation case against BM and getting custody. You will need to fully enforce the court order and take her to Court every time she messes up so the Judge has a record of her shenanigans. They will eventual get pissed off.

You can self represent and can do this without a lawyer. If you need legal advice during any subsequent hearings, there is usually an Ad Hoc lawyer available for quicky advice at the court house on hearing days.

Keep us up to date. We didn't do things right and caved to BM all the time, now they have all refused to come here, caused huge problems. etc.

If you have not already done so, buy a copy of "Divorce Poison".... this will be your bible.

Another site here in Canada that can help you with the legal issues, provide sample paperwork, and often lawyers come on and give direction is http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum

Good luck

We all smile in the same language

leladawn's picture

Thank you! I've been going back and forth with this and from what I read about it I wasn't sure if a judge would hear it because the kids aren't considered to be in "immediate danger".

Someone also told my bf that if a 9 year old doesn't want to go he doesn't have to go, end of story. I didn't think that was true..

Do you happen to know if he should write affidavit to go along with the ex parte notice of motion?

Ps... You guys are all amazing here, there's so much support for each other. Its really encouraging Smile

soverysad's picture

Young kids don't get to choose. Typically judges want children to have a relationship with both parents. If all goes the way it should (sometimes judges suck though) the judge should be pissed that the bm is telling the kid he can choose. I'm glad your bf did the first steps and it sounds like the police are willing to cooperate as long as you can get the order updated. Don't wait. It will give her more time to fill the kid's head with crap! I know the judge in our case was not pleased at all that Wingnut tried to convince SD that she didn't want to see her daddy.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

anita...sigh's picture

Yes he will need to write up an affidavit to go with his application.

The child is in imminent danger because he is being subjected to Parental Alientation which will hamper his mental wellbeing and damage his relationship with his father.

Its a myth that kids have some sort of magic control at a certain age. After a certain age, the Judge may take into consideration the "wishes of the child" but will ultimately rule in the "best interest of the child".

The child may "wish" to live with the parting, alcoholic, drug abusing, psycho, no boundary parent but no Judge would rule that way because it is clearly not in the child's best interest.

We all smile in the same language