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Do you ever feel like we're the "lost generation??"

SMto2's picture

My comment on the thread about Mother's Day has reminded me that I feel like I am part of what will be the "lost generation" in terms of the family dynamic. Primarily, this is because DH's mother can't let go of her need to be the center of the family. Therefore, she demands that all holidays revolve around HER and/or her house. We almost never get to host anything. And, by the time MIL is no longer physically able to host, the next generation below us (our kids & DH's sibling's kids--MIL's grandkids) will have their own children, and we'll be focusing on THEM. My one poor SIL has always been her mother's daughter, and has never gotten to host anything at her house. Now SIL's daughter is grown and getting married. My other SIL's son NEVER got to wake up at his own house on Christmas morning while he still believed in Santa Clause (he's now 14), since SIL was always required to travel in from out of state to celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at MIL's house.

For Mother's Day, I really wanted to go out to eat at a nice restaurant at a resort. (I would have been fine with DH's mom and my mom joining us.) However, DH's mom always has SIL's husband make her dinner. SO, we are going to SIL's house as MIL wishes. I don't know if I'll even see my mom that day, since she lives 2 hours away from SIL's house. While I'd like to think that someday I'll have my "day," now oldest SS20 has his own daughter, and youngest SS and my 2 DSs, now 12 and 6, will be having their families. I will NEVER insist that I be celebrated on MOther's Day over the mothers who are in the midst of raising my grandchildren, since I feel that those are the moms that deserve the break and the recognition NOW. Therefore, it feels like I'm just part of a "lost generation" due to MIL not wanting to let go.

Oh, and DH not only is the one who came up with this concept (which he fully recognizes) he shakes his head as he recalls that, when he was a child, they almost NEVER went to his grandparents' house on holidays, and if they did, it was VERY brief, and HIS MOTHER and THEIR HOME was the main spot. Seems his controlling mom just doesn't want to give that up! Oh well, I guess it IS typical of most moms to "suck it up" and sacrifice their own wants for everyone else, so why should Mother's Day be any different? Sorry for the Pity Party! I will survive, but I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this phenomenon.

ybarra357's picture

"I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this phenomenon."

Nope. I refuse to allow to be controlled like that. I just go out and enjoy my Mother's Day (and any other holiday) with my mother and my bios! I love it!

rainbow bright83's picture

Yes I understand what you are going through. I am expected to attend all holidy events at my MIL. My DH will throw a fit if I dont go. But this year I have made my own plans.

askYOURdad's picture

I read it a long time ago but it was so helpful to me career wise (even though it was a relationship book)

I began my career very young for my field and had so much to learn at the time. I had a fancy title with little experience and became the "yes" person who felt so badly like I needed to prove my worth (hello, I made it to where I was) that I became a doormat to everyone whose respect I wanted to earn. This book really helped me to learn a healthy way to be assertive. It isn't really about being a "bitch," you don't have to be an asshole at all, just learn how to let the guilt go that you actually deserve something and how to achieve it!

and I heart you too haha Wink

SMto2's picture

Thank you for the book recommendation! I have to laugh because anyone who knows me would fall out of their chair if they heard someone suggest I need a little help in the assertiveness department! Not that I can't always use some pointers, but I have been a lawyer for 20 years and specialize in very high profile contentious cases and was known in law school as "barracuda." I am the first female owner in my law firm and have spent the past 20 years "proving myself" in what has historically been the "good ole boy" system. I am sure there are plenty of people in my firm (and outside) who would say "b*tch" is too nice a word for me! lol. I don't have any problem asserting myself EXCEPT when it comes to DH's mom. DH has had so much stress over the SSs over the years and has so much stress as it is from work that I don't want DH to be upset or stressed. THAT is why I agree to go along with what MIL wants. If not for his feelings and not wanting him in the middle and his mom to be upset with him for not coming, I'd insist we go out of town for Mother's Day like I want, and I am pretty sure he would go along with it, but I don't want to do that to DH or his mom. I also have heard MANY times that when he was married to BM, she NEVER wanted to be with his family on any holiday. It was always HER family, which I know upset DH, so I try to go above and beyond so that he can spend time with his family as well.

I hope that explains where I am. I think I was venting more than anything, but I did wonder if anyone else felt that way. Thanks so much for all the comments!! (And maybe I'll pick up that book to read on vacation this summer!) Wink

christinen's picture

If I were you, I would go spend mother's day with your mom & let DH spend it with his. That is what my DH and I did last year because neither one of us wanted to not see our mom on mother's day (understandably of course). It worked out perfectly fine!

MamaFox's picture

Um fuck that. NO ONE will EVER take my holidays away from me. I have busted my ass for a decade working every family holiday so step moms, single moms and moms or dad's in general in the places I have worked could have family time, because I was young and didn't have children.

You want to see me or my kids and husband on holidays? You show the hell up at my house, unless it's planned in advance and half the cost of gas/air fare (anything over a two hour drive to be reasonable) I won't travel out of my way/state on holidays. I WILL host out of town family members.

I am stupidly attached to the idea of my own Christmas tree, that I decorated, is where I will see my immediate family on Xmas morning with hot coco. That's MY Xmas memory and I'm going to keep making it every year how I want to.