Ive read a lot you say thing are better or get better once you disengage. what do you do/ or stop doing to disengage. Does it cause more issues with your SO? Do you just not discuss or be around the Skids?
No skids in our home if DH is not there. I put up with this a handful of times but am DONE with that.
I cook dinner for the skids when it is a FAMILY meal. If they want some nasty premade shizzit, DH cooks it and I go out to eat.
Cleaning up after the skids is at an end. If it's not in their bedroom, it goes into the garbage. If it's on their bedroom floor, it's garbage. DH made the "it's garbage" rules and I enforce them 110%.
Poopie Spawn! The only way PrincASS or PigPen can be in the house with just me is if one of them runs to the store with DH. And they cannot BOTH be there because I am not about to tolerate their constant bickering and other BS shenanigans.
For me, I do not do anything or take on anything that is a normal bio parent's responsibility. I do not pick up or drop off, no "parenting," no cooking, I do not clean the room for child and I never expected DH to clean my kid's room. It is sort of like two families living as roomies in the same house. He does for his and I do for mine. I am kind and polite to his kids but careful to be less then and aunt or a parent's friend to them. If they ask me anything and it should be directed to a parent, I suggest they ask their dad. It has made my life so much better, not taking on DH's parental responsibilities.
Silent - did you used to do these things and then stopped doing them? If so, did you explain beforehand that you were stopping? How do you deal with laundry and cooking? Sorry for all the questions, but I would love more details please
Not a problem. Blended family was a huge culture shock for me because I came from a family with many generations of treditional family. I think I may have came in to strong and tried to parent young SD, not that she was ever upset with me because she is the one I have always gotten along with. It was more DH. Our parenting styles are very different. He is Disney all the way, and he sees all his daughters as princess, no matter what they are up to. He has two grown and one SD12. She was about 6 when we married. Things that seemed common sense to me, like no pop before dinner...he would let her go for it and then she wouldn't eat the meal I worked hard to make. She now is struggling with weight and he is seeing my point (her eating habbits are candy, candy, and more candy). But...back at the start I tried to curtail it and he did not support me. I finally had to let it go and let him be the free for all parent. It was very hard for me because I am more pro-active. Another example, I wanted her to clean the chocolate off her hands before she went in the bedroom and jumped on our bed, because I had a new comforter. DH lets her treat furniture like playground equipment, and has no bedroom boundries. LOTS of biting my lip to keep from blowing a gasket at start. Well, in this case, I did ask her three times without DH's support, to wash hands. When she bounced around and did not follow through, about to head for our bedroom...I suggested she go ahead and just wipe her face and hands on DH's white shirt. Since we get along fairly well she thought that would be funny and she did. He was upset and my point was made! I still laugh about that one. Aside from that, I started cooking less and less and suggested with kids we just eat out (his dime) so "everyone could get what they want!" The grown kids, especially middle one, complained a few two many times in a rude way about my cooking and DH did not get on them for being rude so I basically, off the record, went on strike. As far as cleaning rooms, I have never made him clean my son's and I will not touch his daughters. I have told him as long as she picks up I don't mind do the sheets. That is it. If I have guests that use her room I tell her she gets a free cleaning from me but that is because I used her room (she is every other weekend).
Oh, I never have picked up SD. I said if BM and step dad do not have to drive, neither do I. DH does all 60 miles one way, every other. I am not a bio so I don't have to do that!
When I tell him I won't do something I make it matter of fact, and I sometimes say, How would you like to do that for MY son. I have no expectations for my son with him so it works out fair.
For me, disengaging means I don't initiate conversations about DH's kids. If he asks my opinion, I give it and go back to what I was doing. I don't buy gifts for them, I don't remind DH about their birthdays, and I certainly don't care if I ever see them again.
I once went out of my way to get boardgames, take him out for a quick lunch, take him along for quick shopping runs. I encouraged his father to spend more time outside engaging in activities such as games, golfing, walking, etc. Now I just do my thang' and carry things out on my own.
You dont go out of your way to "disengage". You just do what you feel comfortable doing. If you feel like you'd be uncomfortable interacting much with a child who you may have a dislike to, dont. I've spoken to the father about this, and he is not too happy, but he has continued doing things they both love together, and I am more than happy to step back.
I have tried to get back on the saddle and enjoy things with the child, but my chest hurts, heart pounds, and I have to bite my tongue over all the recent bullshit this kid has done. BUT I did invite him to a baseball game. I honestly did not think the kid would get back to his dad in response to the invite via text. In the three years I've known my husband, he has NEVER called, so I partly assumed wrong. The kid enthusiastically called his dad, and now the deed is done. Baseball game here we go. So how will I disengage? I just went ahead and invited my goddaughter. She is younger than he, but looks his age or older. My focus will be more on her. This way, no one is the bad guy, the kid may not take it personal, and the father can have his time with the kid as if I was not there.
Good luck. Share your thoughts with the father, but also tell him you mean no disrespect, your heart is just not into it right now.
I disengaged to a certain
I disengaged to a certain degree.
No skids in our home if DH is not there. I put up with this a handful of times but am DONE with that.
I cook dinner for the skids when it is a FAMILY meal. If they want some nasty premade shizzit, DH cooks it and I go out to eat.
Cleaning up after the skids is at an end. If it's not in their bedroom, it goes into the garbage. If it's on their bedroom floor, it's garbage. DH made the "it's garbage" rules and I enforce them 110%.
Poopie Spawn! The only way
Poopie Spawn! The only way PrincASS or PigPen can be in the house with just me is if one of them runs to the store with DH. And they cannot BOTH be there because I am not about to tolerate their constant bickering and other BS shenanigans.
For me, I do not do anything
For me, I do not do anything or take on anything that is a normal bio parent's responsibility. I do not pick up or drop off, no "parenting," no cooking, I do not clean the room for child and I never expected DH to clean my kid's room. It is sort of like two families living as roomies in the same house. He does for his and I do for mine. I am kind and polite to his kids but careful to be less then and aunt or a parent's friend to them. If they ask me anything and it should be directed to a parent, I suggest they ask their dad. It has made my life so much better, not taking on DH's parental responsibilities.
Silent - did you used to do
Silent - did you used to do these things and then stopped doing them? If so, did you explain beforehand that you were stopping? How do you deal with laundry and cooking? Sorry for all the questions, but I would love more details please
Not a problem. Blended
Not a problem. Blended family was a huge culture shock for me because I came from a family with many generations of treditional family. I think I may have came in to strong and tried to parent young SD, not that she was ever upset with me because she is the one I have always gotten along with. It was more DH. Our parenting styles are very different. He is Disney all the way, and he sees all his daughters as princess, no matter what they are up to. He has two grown and one SD12. She was about 6 when we married. Things that seemed common sense to me, like no pop before dinner...he would let her go for it and then she wouldn't eat the meal I worked hard to make. She now is struggling with weight and he is seeing my point (her eating habbits are candy, candy, and more candy). But...back at the start I tried to curtail it and he did not support me. I finally had to let it go and let him be the free for all parent. It was very hard for me because I am more pro-active. Another example, I wanted her to clean the chocolate off her hands before she went in the bedroom and jumped on our bed, because I had a new comforter. DH lets her treat furniture like playground equipment, and has no bedroom boundries. LOTS of biting my lip to keep from blowing a gasket at start. Well, in this case, I did ask her three times without DH's support, to wash hands. When she bounced around and did not follow through, about to head for our bedroom...I suggested she go ahead and just wipe her face and hands on DH's white shirt. Since we get along fairly well she thought that would be funny and she did. He was upset and my point was made! I still laugh about that one. Aside from that, I started cooking less and less and suggested with kids we just eat out (his dime) so "everyone could get what they want!" The grown kids, especially middle one, complained a few two many times in a rude way about my cooking and DH did not get on them for being rude so I basically, off the record, went on strike. As far as cleaning rooms, I have never made him clean my son's and I will not touch his daughters. I have told him as long as she picks up I don't mind do the sheets. That is it. If I have guests that use her room I tell her she gets a free cleaning from me but that is because I used her room (she is every other weekend).
Oh, I never have picked up SD. I said if BM and step dad do not have to drive, neither do I. DH does all 60 miles one way, every other. I am not a bio so I don't have to do that!
When I tell him I won't do something I make it matter of fact, and I sometimes say, How would you like to do that for MY son. I have no expectations for my son with him so it works out fair.
Hope this helps.
For me, disengaging means I
For me, disengaging means I don't initiate conversations about DH's kids. If he asks my opinion, I give it and go back to what I was doing. I don't buy gifts for them, I don't remind DH about their birthdays, and I certainly don't care if I ever see them again.
I once went out of my way to
I once went out of my way to get boardgames, take him out for a quick lunch, take him along for quick shopping runs. I encouraged his father to spend more time outside engaging in activities such as games, golfing, walking, etc. Now I just do my thang' and carry things out on my own.
You dont go out of your way to "disengage". You just do what you feel comfortable doing. If you feel like you'd be uncomfortable interacting much with a child who you may have a dislike to, dont. I've spoken to the father about this, and he is not too happy, but he has continued doing things they both love together, and I am more than happy to step back.
I have tried to get back on the saddle and enjoy things with the child, but my chest hurts, heart pounds, and I have to bite my tongue over all the recent bullshit this kid has done. BUT I did invite him to a baseball game. I honestly did not think the kid would get back to his dad in response to the invite via text. In the three years I've known my husband, he has NEVER called, so I partly assumed wrong. The kid enthusiastically called his dad, and now the deed is done. Baseball game here we go. So how will I disengage? I just went ahead and invited my goddaughter. She is younger than he, but looks his age or older. My focus will be more on her. This way, no one is the bad guy, the kid may not take it personal, and the father can have his time with the kid as if I was not there.
Good luck. Share your thoughts with the father, but also tell him you mean no disrespect, your heart is just not into it right now.
Glenda