You are here

Disengaged - but they just keep trying for a reaction!

Disillusioned's picture

I'm about as disengaged as I can be OSD and DH's sister (and BM). There is a whole history of their rotten behaviour and for good reason I stay as uninvolved and unaware of their lives as I can. Not that they ever stop 'poking' - continuously trying to get reaction from me, through mean, spiteful revengeful episodes.

The nice part about being so detached from them and their lives, is I can see all the more clearly when they are doing these things, all from an unemotional uncaring view.

For the most part this works and I remain unraveled despite all their efforts to shake me up

But here we have another 'episode' minor perhaps, but causing DH & I inconvenience and possible upset. Got to keep reminding myself to stay unemotional, and just deal with the fall-out from their crap no differently then if it ware some jerk at work that I couldn't care less about

We knew about YSD's wedding rehearsal for a while now. YSD has mentioned it several times, including that BM would be there, but never once in all those times said anything to DH about being there. Not one time did she ask DH to be there

We assumed DH would and should be there, but since YSD never once asked him about coming, we brushed if off as maybe he didn't need to be there after all, he was just walking her down the aisle so perhaps not a big deal.

In the meantime, YSD has asked me to host the bridal dinner. As I get along great with her and we have none of the issues OSD and I have, I had no problem doing this for her.

Then she asked if it could be immediately following the rehearsal dinner (so of course it would be rude not to invite BM who again would be at the wedding rehearsal not to mention is the mother of the bride, which I did, and BM confirmed she is coming with her SO and 6 of her relatives)


Sine the rehearsal dinner is immediately following the rehearsal, which is about 20 minutes or longer away, DH & I planned to go the restaurant while the wedding rehearsal was going on, to prepare for everything. YSD was aware of this.

So DH is talking with FIL today and FIL tells him that OSD said that DH needs to be at the wedding rehearsal next week.

DH says he knows nothing about that, YSD has never once asked him, and, we have to be at the restaurant preparing for the Rehearsal dinner during that time. FIL suggests DH phone OSD and ask.

So DH phones OSD.

YSD was with her.

DH asks to speak with YSD who says yes you need to be at the wedding rehearsal Dad.

So, DH says okay...but then calls me wondering how we're going to swing it? Grrrr!!!

She knew we would be at the restaurant. And she's never once mentioned DH coming to the wedding rehearsal instead. Now here it is right before the dinner and suddenly DH needs to be at the rehearsal dinner instead.

DH decides that since we were taking one car to the restaurant (as we are checking into the hotel together prior to that and will be there for two nights, rehearsal dinner night and wedding day night) with running around in between, made no sense to take two cars/extra gas for nothing.

I told DH just go to the rehearsal on his own, will take my own car and meet him at the restaurant later but he says no, we are not doing that. He says that I'm going with him to the wedding rehearsal and we are leaving the moment his 'part' is done, as we have to get to the restaurant.

This really worries me, we have about 50 people coming and so we really can't be late. I'm not sure we'll be able to pull it off.

However, if we go separately then it means OSD, YSD, BM and DH all get to be together as one "family" (with SM not included of course) which I'm sure was 100% was the intention of OSD or BM, or both. And who knows, maybe even YSD since she knew DH had to be there and said nothing until right before, and of course well after she had asked me to host the bridal dinner immediately following the rehearsal.

Either way it causes inconvenience and frustration for DH & I...

Perhaps it was just an oversight and not something to worry about, but the other side of me knows OSD and BM especially, and think this was all part of the plan.

Will continue to be disengaged and not get frazzled, whether I go to the wedding rehearsal - OSD and BM's plans would be foiled too LOL - or if I just go on my own to the restaurant to insure all is ready for the dinner.

Either way, I will keep a big friendly smile on my face and be pleasant and polite, and not for one minute give them the satisfaction of seeing me annoyed!

But, lesson to SM, from now on I think I will even be a little more disengaged from YSD. Not that she necessarily did anything wrong. But I find between all of them I would rather just stay as not a part of things as I can, there always seems to be back-lash, just for trying to be nice Sad

twoviewpoints's picture

" He says that I'm going with him to the wedding rehearsal and we are leaving the moment his 'part' is done, as we have to get to the restaurant. "

This should work. Dad's part is in the beginning. You can suggest perhaps to even practice this part before the rest of rehearsal partakes practice.

Of course you and Dh have to leave and get the twenty minutes to restaurant. But the rehearsal party wild understand that and if dinner starts a few minutes late, it will be ok. I'm sure dinner is well planned, will be lovely and everyone will enjoy it.

If it's easier to go to hotel and check in with the dinner preparations first, then travel back for Dad's part and then return to restaurant for final touches. Do that.

Bottom line is whatever works best for you. I think YSD in all her excitement and trying to make sure everything is ready simply made an innocent assumption and didn't really think the rehearsal and dinner with Dad and you as logically as she might have.

As for OSD and SIL, pfft however DH and you pull two places and events off is none of their business. Whatever you and Dad decide will be ok. They can't practice without Dad and they can't dine without you and Dad. You're the hostess.

Aeron's picture

I found this a bit hard to follow - I thought at first there were two dinners on the same night but you're talking about the wedding rehearsal at the venue and then a rehearsal dinner at a restaurant later?

I thought the rehearsal dinner was the groom's or his family's responsibility? I've never heard it called a bridal dinner....

Either way I personally find it odd that your DH who was asked to walk YSD down the aisle didn't assume he would be needed for the rehersal and ask her for details earlier. You've said you have a good relationship with YSD - It seems like maybe everyone involved here is just somewhat unfamiliar with wedding etiquette and not communicating well. What preparations need to be done for this dinner? It's at a restaurant, is there some reason to think the staff needs supervision prior to everyone's arrival? Maybe YSD didn't think there would be any need or reason for anyone to be there during the rehersal.

It seems like as hard as you are trying to disengage you are still giving all of this an amazing amount of head space. I'm just concerned that you might be assigning motives that aren't actually there, even if OSD might have had them. Heck maybe OSD told YSD she'd already told your DH to be there and given him all the details and just didn't.

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks twoviewpoints, good advice and that all makes sense....although I think the Dad part is at the very end Sad and we have guests that aren't part of the rehearsal dinner arriving on their own, so they may be sitting there waiting for the rest of us to arrive. But, yes, it is what it is and not worth getting worked up about!

Thumper's picture

The Rehearsal Dinner is paid for BY THE GROOMS FAMILY not the brides. No wonder everyone is coming to eat after the rehearsal that NO ONE knows who will be there OR what time.

Just saying.

twoviewpoints's picture

If I recall correctly, it originally was meant as an bridal shower and YSD asked instead for a after rehearsal dinner. OP agreed. Perhaps not traditional but it was bride's request.

So not really a traditional rehearsal dinner, but instead a after rehearsal bridal dinner that OP is hosting for YSD at YSD's request. It was a very kind and generous gesture to please her SD.

If it works for OP and the bride, that's what counts. Not traditional but so what?

Disillusioned's picture

Uh Goodluck, I think everyone knows what time and where the bridal dinner is at, so really not sure what you're talking about? But thanks for your input

Disillusioned's picture

No Heavenlike, I don't "see a conspiracy under every rock" I know they're there already. I know OSD inside and out, and she uses every opportunity to create drama and problems. But thanks for your two cents.

Any time anything goes awry that she has had any involvement in, it's quite easy to assume she had motives other than good ones. Her motives are most definitely never ever good

With that said, YSD may have just messed up

Either way, I'm not in the slightest disengaged from my YSD, and if I want to get stressed about leaving a bunch of people waiting in a restaurant I most certainly will. That has nothing to do with being disengaged or not disengaged from OSD. She is not at all what is stressful - leaving a bunch of people sitting around in a restaurant waiting for the hosts to arrive is however????!

Disillusioned's picture

Exactly twoveiwpoints, thanks for that Smile and yes you have recalled it correctly, this is exactly how that all came about

cmwolfe1264's picture

After having been through 2 weddings with stepsons, my advice is this. Don't worry about anything the YSD, OSD, & BM do. YSD is so busy trying to please everyone and make sure the day is what she wants that she may very well agree to do something that would be hurtful to without realizing it. The entire situation is difficult because BM is front and center as it is her daughter getting married after all. But for my stepsons weddings, I planned the first one and stayed out of the planning for the 2nd one. But during the actual wedding and receptions for both I stayed as far away from the BM and my stepkids as I could. I did manage to be in some pictures but for the most part stayed out of the way and didn't say much. Personally if it was me I would drive separately and let your husband come to the bridal dinner when he is finished with the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. You can go to the bridal dinner and be sure it is ready for everyone and be able to greet people you and your DH invited. That way you won't get stressed out about being late if things get backed up with the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Truthfully it is the bride's day and you should do your part but also you should make it easiest for you. As I said after going through this twice it would be more comfortable for you to just take care of yourself and go to the bridal dinner by yourself. You don't need to be at the rehearsal and trust me the BM and OSD will do what they can to make it an awkward experience for you - trust me they will!

cmwolfe1264's picture

I should add that I did and still get along fabulously with stepsons and their wives. It is the stepdaughters that are pure evil as well as the BM!! Not only to me but also to DH, stepsons, DILS, grandchildren etc. - they are absolute evil. I have never met such horrible human beings in my life and I wish with all my heart they weren't a part of my life Sad

Thumper's picture

My point exactly, everyone knows where to show UP to eat but as noted by OP, times for the rehearsal it'self was not given to OP's husband.

Look at the entire picture, here is OP--the Step Mom being very gracious to pay for a boat load of guests for a dinner she is not obligated to pay for in the first place.

BUT her husband, the Father of the Bride is left out flapping with times.
OP is disengaged and still being gracious well above what many would do.

Thanks for your input too, I understood your husband didn't know the times.I wasn't being a jerk....

Rags's picture

Isn't the Rehearsal Dinner the responsibility of the groom's family? Why would you host it as the Paternal side of the bride's family?

I have never heard of a Bridal Dinner. My understanding from the many weddings I have been in including two of my own is that there is a Rehearsal Dinner and a Wedding Reception and a range of one or more bridal/couples showers prior to the Rehearsal, Wedding, and Reception.

As for attending the rehearsal... absolutely. Go, be radiant, be happy, enjoy the event on your DH's arm and give the toxic BM and OSD an amused look of contempt clearly communicating how petty and ridiculous you consider them to be.

I commend your dedication and participation in your YSD's event and her request for your help. Rewarding her reasonableness while looking down your nose at the petty insignificant dramas perpetrated by OSD and BM is exactly the way to deal with the situation IMHO.

Go to the rehearsal, do not let them manipulate you or your DH. Put yourself and your happiness front and center. Be the light that sends the cockroaches scurrying for the shadows. The roaches will scurry. They are nothing but roaches after all. They do what roaches do when a light is turned on in a roach filled room.

And.... have a helluva lot of fun doing it. }:) Blum 3 Dirol

twoviewpoints's picture

"This was originally a get together for my family (not all of whom are invited to the wedding simply because there are too many of us haha) but still many would want to have a little celebratory get together with YSD anyway...a lot of my nephews and nieces that grew up with YSD for example, and also my & DH's friends that we know wouldn't be invited to the shower that OSD is holding...

It is at a beautiful restaurant right on the beach in our city, was going to be an afternoon thing on a weekend, all food etc..covered by myself & DH of course

YSD was just over the top excited by this and has thanked me about a hundred times LOL, but now, she is asking if we can move it to a Thursday night, directly following the wedding rehearsal, so the whole bridal party would be coming too which I'm fine with..."

There is the background of how what traditionally would be a rehearsal dinner and a traditional bridal shower ...yes, two traditional separate events... turned into a Bridal Dinner to beheld after the wedding rehearsal. Clip from an earlier post made by OP.

YSD got exactly what she asked her. Geez, there is no etiquette/traditional fairy going to come down and curse them because the bride is doing things 'wrong'. Honest. I promise.

Disillusioned's picture

cmwolfe that's great advice, yes step weddings can be so stressful all on their own, let alone planning rehearsal/bridal dinners or in your case, the whole wedding!

My OSD's wedding was actually a whole lot easier. She wanted nothing to do with DH & I and we had no part in anything, including being seated at the back of the room like the schmucks she would like to believe us to be, and I couldn't have been more relaxed or happier!

We had a great time at our back table, away from BM and even the rest of DH's family. We were in none of the wedding pictures, and OSD was a witch to DH too. But at least she ignored all all night and let us alone!

YSD's wedding is actually more stressful as there are have been two bridal showers already, lots of OSD/BM/DH's sister nonsense....and I'm just looking forward to getting the whole thing over - the wedding rehearsal, the rehearsal/bridal dinner, and the wedding itself - and there's still the "spa day" on Wednesday Sad

Disillusioned's picture

Goodluck, my DH knows exactly the time of the bridal/rehearsal dinner, always has??

The bridal dinner is hosted by me, he is totally involved. The wedding rehearsal was organized by YSD

What my DH did not know about was the wedding rehearsal - two entirely separate events.

My DH assumed he should be at the wedding rehearsal of course, but, since YSD did not ever once tell him he should be there, he then assumed he wasn't invited.

This is not so hard to understand, especially in DH's family. He is often excluded from things involving SD's and SGS's. In the past when he made a fuss there was so much back lash and hurt, he now just takes his cues from them.

If they invite him to something he tries to attend, if they don't he doesn't throw a fit

I think an oversight on YSD's part, and a reasonable assumption on DH's part based on past history

Disillusioned's picture

Oh Rags, seriously I love your posts!

Yes, good advice!

DH and I discussed during dinner and he has given his word that no guests will remain waiting for hosts to arrive at the restaurant. "we" will go the wedding rehearsal, and leave in enough time to get to the restaurant before any guests arrive. DH is going to chat with YSD and explain this to her in advance, and that he didn't realize "we" were invited to participate in the wedding rehearsal so we're trying to manage both at the same time

As far as the rehearsal (bridal) dinner, it was originally a small get together my family and friends were going to host for YSD - not at all the traditional rehearsal dinner hosted by the groom's family. YSD asked me if I could host it the night before the wedding, and if the bridal party (including BM) could attend

BM in turn is bringing a bunch of her relatives, and on and on it goes

Thank you for understanding why I'm doing this for YSD, you are a good step-parent from everything I read, and you would understand. Since she requested it, whether it is traditional or not or even makes any sense at this point, she asked me to do it, and I'm happy to do something nice for at least one awesome SD!

I will absolutely take your advice and go with a big radiant smile, all aimed for YSD and DH of course!

peacemaker's picture

...there really isn't much you can do about hosting the dinner at this point. It is at a restaurant 20 min away from where rehearsal takes place...Just go to the restaurant early (before the wedding rehearsal )...If the restaurant is good at what they do, they should take care of all the stress of the dinner details. You and dh go over any last minute information exchange with the Restaurant, and you both then show up at the rehearsal. together. You are calm, He does his thing, and you both leave when his part is over (which is in the beginning of the ceremony)...then you cruise over to the restaurant, and enjoy your evening, and the people you choose to engage with...and that's all...

Live, and learn, and live some more...It does get complicated sometimes. Just roll with it this time and keep your graceful composure while in their presence...Your happiness alone will offend them. Let the Restaurant handle it. Just communicate to them that is what you need from them...Peace