I'm pretty sure everyone here can relate. Your feelings are valid. You should both decide who sleeps in your home and when. So many bioparents don't see it that way, though, and that's why so many stepparents vent here. Others may be able to help you with how to approach your husband, definitely in a non-confrontational way, though. Like "um, you know i love her and love spending time with her, but since you are the one talking to your ex and making plans, i am not given the same choice and consideration as the two of you when deciding. As the other adult in the home, i would like to be given the same rights as you when making that decision." Good luck. 

It sounds exhausting to play with a 6 yo day and night but you are younger than I.  Lol.

You have a typical Disney dad there.  After being kept from her, he is overcompensating by having her over whenever possible, seeing you play with her for hours, and, I'm guessing, not setting any bedtime, mealtime or behavior standards.  As you read around on this site, you will see that it's very common, just search "Disney dad" on here.

I don't know how open he is to discussion, but you need to let him know it's unfair to you not to be consulted about plans,  I'd also try to talk about setting sensible limits,it's just good parenting.

You will be able to tell if he is open to discussion, or defensive "You jusT don't want her here".  If he can't discuss and come up with a joint plan with you, you will get more frustrated and the child will get more spoilt.  Many of us on this site have Disney dad's and it doesn't lead to a good spousal relationship.  The child is hurt, too.

Good luck, you sound like a kind person who is trying to do the right thing.

Is there a custody order spelling out visitation and all details?  If not, he needs one.

I think one of the things that all newer SPs need to do is not look at the SKs as "ours". That's the exact opposite of what society tells you, but it's a trap in a multitude of ways.

You're currently experiencing one of those ways, and that's by being absorbed into what your DH sees as "the other parent". By SD being "ours", you send the message to your DH that his decisions speak for you both, because if you are seeing her as your daughter, then you must feel the same way he does about her.

It becomes a trap because when you try to break out of this cycle, your DH will see it as you "hating" his daughter. That isn't the truth. The truth is that you're not the mother or father. Your internal well that fuels you doesn't get replenished like a parent's does from interacting with your SD. You'll burn out much faster.

I also think you're falling into another trap, and that is being "the replacement". Instead of building a new family with new traditions with your DH, you are filling in the old family seat left by the XW. Your DH wants this big, happy, nuclear family that just doesn't exist. And you aren't a missing puzzle piece that completes that fantasy for him. It's great that he wants his daughter all the time. What isn't great is getting her then sitting on the sidelines watching a movie of her growing up with you in the starring parental role.

You address this by telling your DH this is unacceptable and then by not being available when he makes these last-minute decisions without you. You are your own person with your own agenda and own activities. You are not his appendage. Make him recognize your autonomy and that you CHOOSE to be where you're at but won't be FORCED into it.

Also, stop playing with the 6 year old all day. Send her to her room and then go for a walk, lock yourself in your bathroom and take a long bath, go take a nap, go for drive, whatever. At 6, SD needs to learn to entertain herself, and if DH wants her entertained the entire time, he can do it.

No, you're not a bad SP for not taking on equal parenting roles in your house. That's not your job. You're more like an aunt than a mother, and even that level of engagement is a choice. SD isn't your responsibility, and you can still love her while not being her parent. That's DH's job in your house, and he's responsible 100% to her and 100% to you. You are NOT there to help lessen his responsibility. You are an ADDED one to his life, just like he is in yours, and SD remains 100% his no matter how long you're married, if BM dies, if SD thinks of you as a mother, etc. You can borrow responsibility, but you don't own it.