And yes, I think in some respects your expectations are too high.   You want to find a partner with no kids of his own, but you expect this person to love yours and contribute financially, not only to the household (which is reasonable) but also to your kids?  Not reasonable.  The bio parents, ie you and your kids' father,  should be responsible for all expenses to do wtih kids. 

You can expect him to treat your kids with respect and civility, but you should do the majority of the parenting and be willing to negotiate with him on all matters to do with discipline and behaviour, and how much he wants to be involved with things like discipline.  If he disciplines your children, on areas you have agreed upon, you should always have his back and not side with your children against him.  This is one of the areas, if not the most important area, that brings people to StepTalk.  

One's own kids' misbehaviour can be more trying to an outsider than it is to the bio parents, and "putting in effort" is a two way street.  One gets tired of putting in effort if it is never appreciated nor reciprocated.  One doesn't automatically grow to love one's partner's children just because you are living with them.  Affection can grow, given the right circumstances, but all too often, step parents are subjected to unrealistic expectations that someone else's children will become their first priority, and that the tie to them will be as strong as for biological parents, which rarely happens. 

Lastly, most people wouldn't be happy about the ex partner spending time with the children in the same house as them. Tbh, I think your list of requirements is so long that the number of men that would meet them, would be as rare as hen's teeth.  

Yes, your expectations are far too high. You are looking for a unicorn, not a partner and that is possibly why your last relationship never got as far as marriage.

Let’s take things in the order you wrote. There are extremely few people who are able to love someone else’s child as much as their own. That in itself doesn’t mean that they can’t be nurturing and kind to them. As for not being a disciplinarian, well, that’s your job and your children’s father’s job, not that of a stepfather (by the way, how involved is your children’s father?). A stepfather is not a replacement father. It’s not his job to parent them, again, that is your role and he certainly shouldn’t be financing them to an equal level with you. Certainly, he should cover his share of the costs of the home but definitely not paying for your children. There are also not many pen (or women for that matter) who would be happy about having an invasive (try to see it from his point of view) MIL. As for expecting him to be fine with your ex swanning in and out of his and your home, well, I think you should read some of the stepfather posts on here for your answer to that. And expecting him to cover the costs for your kids, activities, meals, etc. is just plain wrong. They are your responsibility, not his.

You say that most of the men that you’ve dated only want to freeload – don’t you think that your expectations say the same thing about you? You want an unrelated male to pay for your children? Isn’t that freeloading? As for not wanting a man with children … well, why should a man with no children want to be saddled with yours?

A stepfather should be polite and cordial to your children and you should ensure that your children are polite and respectful towards him. He should be covering his share of the bills and should not be expected to cover yours. You should remember that, as your partner, he should come before the children … It has often been said here that a stepparent’s role should be that of a “fun uncle/aunt”. Try to see things in that light. You, apparently, are looking for a replacement, live-in father for your kids – ummm, no. If you can’t manage financially on  your own, see what you can scale back on to fit your budget.

You cannot be serious. You want a man who will love your kids as an equal parent, pay for them equally, but not be a disciplinarian? And you want him to have no kids of his own, just be there for your kids in any way you designate, generate love for them no matter how they behave, open his wallet whenever you say so, but have no input in how they are raised? 

Get used to being alone. Your expectations are very selfish and unrealistic.  Any man you marry is NOT responsible for your kids in any way, financially or otherwise.  If he's kind and civil to them, that's all you can expect. 

I hesitated to respond because I think we may be getting played here.

I'll be blunt: if you want someone to play husband and Daddy, then get back with your ex who was both husband and daddy. Any new man you get is just going to be husband at most since the kids' father is in the picture. And trust me, as a SK myself, no kid wants their SP to take over for their BP when their BP is actively in their lives.

Your expectations are too high and you're a hypocrite for wanting to date men without kids when you yourself have them.

As an aside, is school back in session yet? Been seeing more kids playing on the internet these days...

I found a man, my wonderful DH who loves my three children as his own. He has four children I do not love as my own, but the situation is very different as I've never lived with them and 3 of 4 were a bit old to build a relationship when we met.

Financial support though? Hell no. I pay for my kids; he pays for his and the CS and support to his ex. You are way out of line to think a man should support your kids. In terms of household expenses - you prorate by headcount. For example, our home has 5 bedrooms - besides master, 3 are my kids and 1 is his so he pays 40% of property taxes. All financial accounts are split.

As for your mom - yes I expect the same! My ex was an ass to my parents and that was just many things unacceptable about him. My Mom and Dad are wonderful and are very much part of my and my kids' lives. DH appreciates that...and we are close to his parents too!

Well it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.  Since you're so clear on what you want, why don't you put exactly what you wrote here on your dating site profile?  I don't think you will get any takers though.  What's in it for him?  Would you want a guy like this, if the situation were reversed?  

I mean if another man wants to be paying for children that he didn't produce send him my way! He can pay for my children too!

You want a man to be financially responsible for children that aren't his,  to parent them, but not have any say in discipline.  Ok good luck

These expectations are almost laughable!  If these are your expectations, get back with the baby daddy.  There is not 1 person in the world that can and most importantly WANTS to meet those expectations.

Way too early for wine and popcorn.

You want him to pay for kids he didn't create, despite the fact that you get CS from your ex.  You'd need him to be totally cool with your ex being in his home 'for the kids', pay equally for the mortgage & bills, when he's only 1/4 people living there and 3/4 of them are YOUR responsibility (would you put him on the deed to your house I wonder?  Or is he supposed to just enjoy handing over loads of money without that added benefit?). 

He's to love your kids as his own, but not be a disciplinarian, and yet help with the parenting equally?  I'm not quite sure how that would work to be honest, because equal parents should discipline equally.  I think what you meant is you'd like him to be your live in babysitter, but instead of paying him, he's paying to be there.  Oh, and your mom comes over every day too, so in addition to having no boundaries with your ex, this new man needs to be totally ok with your mommeee as well.

Oh, and he better not have kids of his own, because gross.  Right?  That would totally take away from YOUR kids, so that's a deal breaker.

What exactly is in it for this guy?  Your expectations aren't just unreasonable, they're nuts.  It's no wonder you're having a hard time finding someone who wants to commit to that.  Dude got lucky bailing on you, dodged a bullet big time!

hahaha you lost me at being okay with your EX being around alot and being in your house.

Good luck and maybe just go ahead and get back with your EX.

Is this a joke?

How many user names are you going to create?

This seems like someone is trolling to see if we’d answer differently regarding the expectations of a stepfather vs a stepmother. 

P.S. I hope your grad paper goes well. Sociology? Psych?

God forbid he has kids of his own as that would be a total deal breaker right?????? That would totally take any attention and resources away from your kids correct????  Ummm.......Puleeeze lady. Newsflash. Your kids ain't that special lady. And they certainly are not as  special as you and grandma think they are.  You're not ok with someone having kids even though you have them? Are you serious? My advice to you would be to get back with your baby daddy because your expectations are completely unreasonable and selfish.

I know how to put it in socially acceptable terms so I will just say it plainly.  You are out of your mind.  Unless you are the most fascinating, beautiful, and accomplished woman in your tri-state area with a gold-plated vagina you don't have a prayer of fulfilling that list.  Would YOU give anyone what you are asking?  Unless the answer is "hell no" you are fooling yourself.  No one is worth that kind of self-sacrifice.  So get a grip or get used to being alone.

I think your expectations are too high, expecting a man to take over fathering when they have a father and contribute to their care and well being equally is also far more than you should expect. You should expect respect, from your children and your partner but asking them to foot the bill for your children is not going to work. Honestly I don't fully believe splitting cost in half between two adults when you are bringing additional people into the home who will eat the food, use the electricity, take up rooms, and COST MONEY is a good way to go. If there are 4 people in the house and 2 of them are your children you should be covering the cost that they include in day to day life and not expect a man to take that on as part of being with you. You are the parent, they are not. It could be awhile before your kids can see a man in your life as a disciplinarian also, your main goal should be for everyone to be comfortable and respectful, anything about that is just the cherry on top.

LOL You should just put your kids pictures on your dating profile and use their information because all of your requirements are about them. Oh, and post it to the child care section as you aren't actually interested in dating anyone. You're just auditioning your new "helper" because having an involved father, mother, AND grandmother is just not enough for you, the poor "single" mom, doing it all. Obviously your children deserve more resources and the only way you can think of giving them more is to demand it from every man who buys you dinner. Gross.

I think what you're looking for is either an Idiot or a Saint.  Either of which you probably won't ever find.

You say you've found people who are wanting to freeload. But it seems that's more of what you're wanting and you're just pissed that no reasonable person is going to just sit there and fully support you and your kids, while also parenting...

I legitimately love my skids and I have limits.  So yes. I think what you're asking is HIGHLY unreasonable as well as selfish and narsicistic.

But I'm with Tog, this seems too ridiculous to be real. Right?

Hahahaha!
Next??

(Not even worthy of a response.)

Is this a joke posting, I think so....either way, COMPLETELY and 100pct unreasonable.  Stay single, you're the typical GUBM and your expectations will never be met, nor should they be.  Good luck.  Maybe stick to friends with benefits instead.

This is not real.  You should  find a man with kids so you can do the same thing with him. Let his EX have free run of your home. You pay for his kids ect

I think we're being trolled.

Thank you for the laugh on this Monday morning, I really needed it.

Okay joke's over.  Whose golden uterus BM is this??  Fess up!

Would you be with a man who has kids, who wants you to pay for some of their meals and their activities, pay half of his the rent even though he has several kids living there that are not yours, babysit, cook, clean, drive them around, etc. attend their activities, allow them to be disrespectful towards you without being able to do much about it? Would you also be ok with his ex coming into his house as well when you were not there? You have your answer. 

You are looking for what my DH likes to call a "sponsor"

Yup totally reasonable OP...

Dont forget to make sure he is willing to open up saving accounts for the kids. IN YOUR name and the child's name only.

20percent of his income should be deposited in, every pay check too. 10percent for each kid.

Well hello, what a fabulous sense of humor! Because everything written here flies in the face of reality, except in a very wrong situation, I am going to assume that this is a total joke!!! Snarkle.

Surely this is made up nonsense? Not giving this dung the privilege of a proper response.

but isn’t it what the society/partners/ILs are expecting from step parents ? Not saying this is right but I am sure any of BM or BD would loooove others to do all that for their kids. 

Now from reading this forum it seems that these expectations are creating the most of OPs problems. 

Hell yeah your expectations are HIGH. Your kids have a father so I don't understand why the man in your life has to financially help support them. He's also not obligated to parent them as the children have both parents. You seem to expect so much from this potential partner meanwhile what are you contributing to this relationship but a whole lot of demands/expectations?

Your XH being in the home would be a deal break to me. He's the X for a reason and he can pick up the kids and spend time with them outside the home. These are not good boundaries to have and will have ANY MAN running for the hills. Would you be tolerant of having an X in your partners home?

I'm having trouble finding men who will step up to the plate.

You're having trouble because this not their plate to step up to. Your kids are not their responsibility or their obligation. You are looking for a nanny/babysitter/financer and I can't imagine that being appealing to anyone.

Also its great that you are close with your mother but having her consistently around while trying to build on a relationship will never work. You need to reassess your "expectations" and you will see why no one is willing to "step up".

Please spare the poor gullible single men out there and get back together with your ex.    

Is this for real?

No one besides the bio parent should ever be expected to parent or financially support someone else's kids.

You are still stuck in a frame of mind whereby you would expect your partner to act like the kids bio dad, and ‘first family’. 

Like many of us you have ‘ideals’. Ideals, morals and principles are a good thing. However it’s good to take stock every now and again to see if these ideals are benefiting you and others around you. Then if they aren’t, what’s the harm in trying a new approach? There no shame admitting something isn’t working for you.

“Hey for my next date I’m going to go for the guy with the big blue eyes and cheeky smile (kids or no kids) just for fun. - where’s the harm in that?

Also, sometimes, if you just let a relationship develop naturally for a time without making any demands, you may find people wanting to be more flexible. 

Is summer break over soon? Just saying 

I truly think your expectations are high. 

Sure I agree he should contribute to household bills like the mortgage and utilities if he is living there. But no one has any obligation to support children financially except for the biological parents. If stepdad wants to contribute through his own volition great but it is not his responsibility. 

You want a man with no kids but expect him to love your kids as his own. How? Many of us do love our Skids but there's usually no way to love a Skid like a Biokid. 

I'm sorry but you can't expect him to parent equally. He is not the parent. 

All that should be expected as a stepfather is that he respects your kids. You can't force him to love them or parent them.

1. If you really wanted your kids to come first you and you ex would not have divorced one another. 

2. If you really want your kids to come first you wouldn't be looking for a man but instead concentrating on raising your kids.

3. If you really want to put your kids first wait until they are 18, 19 and have launched before getting involved with someone.

That being said I've never believed kids should come first. I believe your marriage should come first and the kids second. But I guess I am old fashioned in that way.

What we want and what we get in life are two entirely different things. We all want the perfect family, but we have to deal with the cards we have been dealt. Some of us might wish to be millionaires but we have to learn not to be dissatisfied with an average wage and an average house. We all want certain cards so to speak, in life, but quite often these are not the cards dealt. We have to live in ‘reality’. Once we have had children, our dating pool changes whether we like it or not (no matter how beautiful we are etc).... we are not the same people we were when we were twenty, but hopefully we know more about life etc now, which makes it easier to spot the right one when we meet them? 

So, basically you want a man to give up his own life, take on your life, and make your children his priority.

What man would accept that deal?  You will never make a life partner or marriage your priority over your kids.  Successful marriages are equity life partnerships between two adults who make each other and the marriage the priority over all else. Including kids.  Kids are the top marital responsibility but should never take priority over the relationship and the partners.

Equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in the home regardless of kid biology. At least that is the case in successful blended family marriages.. in my experience.  That includes disciplining the kids in the home. Regardless of who spawned those kids.

Now for the house thing.  You are not interested in a true equity life partner. If you were you would sell your house and buy one with him.  STalk is full of examples of why moving a new spouse into a former marital home is a really stupid idea and a marriage defeating choice. You want a man to pay for a house that he has no ownership position in. Are you going to sign the house over to him when he starts making the mortgage payments?

And... you want a man who will tolerate your XH invading his home, his marriage, kowtow to your XH, help fund XH's visitation with your kids... and also put you, your mother and your relationship with mommy on a pedestal.

For you to have a sustainable next marriage  you have some clarity to gain IMHO.

Re-read your original post and change it to be written by a man who would ask these things of you.  How palatable would that be for  you?  Not very would be my guess, since  you already clearly indicated that a man with children is not worthy of you, your prior relationship spawn, you XH and your mother.

  If it is not palatable for you why would it be for a man who would be a sugar daddy, beck and call boy, baby sitter, live in resource for you and your kids? A lifetime of subservience to you, your spawn, your XH and your mother is not something I would accept. No man or woman of character would and no man or woman of character would ask this of their spouse.

And I am a man by the way.

And one clarifying question.  You apparently find free loaders to be unworthy of  you.  Are these free loaders or men who refuse to fund you, your spawn, facilitate/fund a relationship between your XH and the kids, and stay out of the way of your relationship with your mother.  Who, exactly, is the freeloader in this scenario?

Just wow!

Surely, it reads like the most hypocritical ironic post.

i'm not oging to lie, I did and still kind of do think this post is a joke because its so ridiculous. 

BUT-- if its not, your expectations can be whatever you want them to be, just plan to limit the population of men willing to even talk to you when you start mentioning these things...

Wow, and I thought my girlfriend was reaching for the stars! You basically want a full and total replacement for your ex, while still maintaining a relationship with your ex and even inviting him into your home. Granted maintaining an amicable relationship with your ex is good for the children. But don't expect another man to fill his shoes in full if he's still very much involved with your kids. Women often use this "love them like their your own" phrase. However never consider that the children may not reciprocate, especially when the new man is essentially competing with an engaged bio-dad. 

Personally, I'm active in my future step-daughter's life, and do what I can to form a loving friendship bond while also making sure I'm respected as an adult and parental figure. But I  know she'll always be deadbeat daddy's little girl. When it comes to matters of money, sure I'll buy ice cream, pay for games at Dave and Buster's, but school clothes? Ha, that's far fetched and my girlfriend knows that's her and bio-dad's responsibility. If your ex is around why isn't he buying back to school clothes? 

My advice, change your search criteria from a man that will step up to the plate to giant doormat that can be taken advantage of. 

It's hard enough for a man to step up to the plate of being a step-dad even at the most minimum of levels, never forget that. We don't enter the situation with the baggage, you are. We're the ones stepping outside the norms of a conventional relationship to be with and love you. So appreciate just about any man willing to pitch in to any degree. 

Hope you find that evasive unicorn...