Alexandra,
I have been following your blog posts since I have been a member here. I have read after you cried, broke up, got back together, moved out, moved on, etc.
The problem here is your BF. Point blank. He has no desire to change anything about him because he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. The issue isn't his parenting, or lack thereof, the issue is his regard for your feelings. There isn't any. You have MOVED out. And nothing has changed. The only sigh of relief is that you don't see SD much, but when she is around with him you aren't the most important thing on his mind. He doesn't call you when he is with her. He continues the codependent relationship he has with BM even though he knows that he hurts you. He knows you don't like what he is doing, believe me he has heard you. The fact that it continues is a sign.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, hun. But I have watched you battle this over and over, physically and mentally. And the reality is is that you may not get the life you want with this man. Are you okay with that?

I think what you are experiencing has less to do with the 50/50 custody arrangement and more to do with the continuation of the previous "family".

I have a 50/50 situation and we don't as much co-parent as parallel-parent. We are both remarried and don't communicate much unless there is a need. In fact when we first divorced there was a RO in affect that prevented any contact/communication. Yet our kids thrive on the constant contact with both parents.

It sounds to me like these people are not ready to face the reality of divorce. I'm sorry you have to be collateral damage to that.

I can symapthize.

My husband treated his children like the "immaculate ones"...he did everything for those children and they could do no wrong. He put off his needs, my needs, everything so he didnt disappoint those kids. When BM wanted to go on a date, we took the kids...our time or not. When BM didnt want to take the kids to the dentist, he did it...our time or not. When she needed extra financial support, he gave it to her, when she got dumped he listened to her cry because it kept her from taking it out on the kids. Give me a break!

I tried for nearly 5 years to get my husband to understand that he could never have a normal life with ANY other woman behaving like that. It came at the expense of so many things and I STILL resent him for it in a way. In the end it wasnt me who convinced him it was the fact that BM found a man who didnt approve of the relationship they had. I think 50/50 custody can work but I think it takes rare and special people to make it work.

You got it, girl!

That's exactly how I felt about our 50/50. In my case, BM did not want a divorce and did everything in her power to keep him from leaving. When we married, she just tripled her efforts. My DH has also acted (and still does, but hides it better now) as if his kids are center of the universe, which gives BM ample opportunity to take advantage of the situation, to "co-parent", which is really a fancy word for "stay in your ex's life as long as you wish and as much as you like".
That all got old to me pretty darn fast.
It's been 5 years now, the kids are older, the situation is slightly easier to endure, but talk about the toll on my marriage! Ugh. Too many arguments to mention.
Who am I to say "RUN" to you (obviously I didn't). But if you can - RUUUUN!
Or prepare to claw yourself and your marriage out of the dark hole someone calls "coparenting".
BTW, I also have an X who has zero bearing on my parenting of our 4 children (great kids!). So I say BS for all the contact between exes for the "sake of the kids".

I agree 100% with you! What makes me laugh even more is they ate so focused on their coparenting relationship for the sake of the kids, or so they claim...yet maybe they should've stayed together and worked on their marriage for the sake of the kids. It's amusing that they divorce and took their own feelings into account and not the kids to divorce, but then expect new partners to put their feelings aside and the kid's feelings first...talk about passing the buck!

It's a good question, and since I am a stepmom in a 50/50 arrangement I think about it a lot.

In our case, I think there are big positives for the kids (frequent access to their dad, a sense that their dad is concerned/involved on an on-going, scheduled basis, etc.) but there are also huge negatives (more separations/transitions, a sense of instability from moving constantly between homes). I really don't know.

Personally, I don't know what I'd pick if I were a BM negotiating with a soon to be exDH. As a stepmom, though...I really think it is a very difficult arrangement for a stepparent. It's almost too little time to really establish rules and order, but too much time to feel excited about the visits. Would I do it again? In my case, yes. DH is wonderful, and the kids (or SD, at least) are fun. Would I wish it on my sister or best friend...probably no.

I've been in both situations - my ex-husband had kids from a previous marriage and really had nothing to do with his ex-wife. He'd have the kids once a week maybe and only talked to her when necessary. Fast forward to now, my husband has kids from a previous marriage that we see about 30% of the time. Him and BM are CONSTANTLY negotiating schedules, communicating, and doing whatever "for the sake of the kids". They call it co-parenting but I don't really think letting BM do whatever she wants could actually be considered "co-parenting". Which was easier? Definitely the first situation FOR ME.

Crazy witch used to think she could tell dh & I where we could go on the eow visitation...since DH allowed her I made it clear he could allow her to control his life but not mine! So i went out without sd or dh...he finally stopped allowing her to tell him what to do!