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BM is a borderline

Losingit321's picture

I have had several issues w/ the BM thru the years and I do know that she will never be over my DH.  So last night apparently out of nowhere the BM was texting my SD that she doesn't need to see her anymore etc because she didn't answer her text right away.  Told the kid to "enjoy her life w/ her dad" (I am shocked I wasn't in there unless she just spared me that part).  We have had this kid since she was 7 - she is going to be 13 from the day she was born she's been nothing but a pawn for her mother.  As a mom myself I cannot fathom ever telling my kid Don't bother coming to see me.  Anyways this really hurt my SD and she texted her back that she loves her and she wants to see her etc.  I see this as a game.  Nothing more than all the other borderline games and crap she as done thru the years. 


How on earth does a mother say this to a kid???? I mean I get being biter... but hating so much that you take it out on the kid that you haven't raised and BARELY see?  I mean on average she sees her once a month..  I guess I just needed to vent.  I know her hatred for her ex outweighs the love for her kid... but wow who tries to hurt thier own like that?

CastleJJ's picture

It isnt necessarily a choice, it is a personality and for some an actual personality disorder. People with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, but their inappropriate anger, impulsiveness, and mood swings tend to push others away. They want lasting relationships, but their condition sabotages it every time. This has nothing to do with SD and honestly, nothing to do with DH; this has everything to do with BM and her issues. BM is pushing SD away to prevent feeling anymore abandoned/rejected than she already does and she wants SD to fawn over her to prove SD still cares. It's a toxic cycle. 

Some general symptoms include:

• Intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection.

• A pattern of unstable, intense relationships, such as idealizing someone on moment and then suddenly believing that person doesn't care or is cruel. 

• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-imafe that include shifting goals and values and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all. 

• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting minutes to hours. 

• Impulsive and risky behavior 

• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection.

• Mood swings lasting hours to days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety. 

• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights. 

I am definitely not giving BM a pass here, but if she does have BPD, some of it may be outside her control. I would recommend getting SD into therapy if she isn't already. Being involved with people with BPD can be very traumatizing and bad for self-esteem. 

Someoneelse's picture

this is VERY toxic for BM to say!!! I could NEVER say that to my child!!! OMG!!! OOHHHH that has my blood going! BM sounds like she has full on NPD (narcissitic personality disorder) that doesn't sound borderline at all.

Someoneelse's picture


For those of you that suspect that you have narcissists in your life, and those of you who have tiktok, this guy (who is a diagnosed narcissist) tells you exactly how to spot a narcissist, what is going on in a narcissist's mind, and how to deal with them... ever since I've suspected sd to be a narcissist, I've been following this guy, and he's confirmed my suspicions 

ESMOD's picture

That's the kind of thing my DH's EX says to her kids.  If she finds out that her YSD (adult) is on vacation with us or whatever.. it's "Oh.. I see you love your dad more than me".  Once she actually unfriended her daughter and blocked her number for a few days.  It's punative, ridiculous and fortunately my SD's are used to their mother's brand of crazy and I don't think it gets to them all that much any more. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Understanding The Borderlinr Mother by Christine Lawson. It gives some good coping strategies for kids

strugglingSM's picture

BM here will do similar things. Don't think she's ever told them that she doesn't want to see them again, but she has accused them of "hating" her when they don't do what she wants. One of my skids does it, too. DH took him to a golf tournament once and he was playing poorly. He turned to DH and said, "why do you hate me, Dad?" "you just hate me!" It's weird and dysfunctional for sure and I assume it's learned behavior from BM. 

Losingit321's picture

Thanks so much for the comments and suggestions... Yes I am not totally sure if she's a narc or BPD.  Something is really wrong.. You never know what you are getting w/ her.  But alas, the next day all was well and the mother told her she will bake cookies w/ her... I don't get it. 

Someoneelse's picture

that's sad that your step kid has to deal with BM's personality disorder flip flopping back and forth that way. That's really going to mess them up.

Loxy's picture

Sounds more like NPD to me, however either way I hope you have SD in counselling so she can learn strategies to cope with BM's antics. 

Someoneelse's picture

I agree that it does sound like npd rather than bpd, but both are pretty similar, it would take an actual psychologist to diagnose.