Anyone have experience with military deployment as a stepparent?
I have been with my partner for 7 years (in our 50s), lived together for 3 and helped raise his teenage sons those 7 years as he had full custody. We are not married but I call him DH to keep it simple. I agreed to be guardian of SS16 (SS19 will be off at college). BM lives out of state and DH doesn't want to uproot SS16 to send him to a really bad school plus BM is a crap parent. SS16 is a good kid but would come back all messed up again if he lives with BM during deployment. I am also going to be the one dealing with the emotional fallout of the effects of his deployment on SS16. I told DH if he wants me to take on this huge responsibility and sacrifice, he needs put me on a life insurance policy and will his house to me. I told him I have been taking care of his family and home for 7 years, and if something happens to him then he needs to make sure I am taken care of. He already has separate life insurance policy to benefit his kids.
We have had some step family drama, and I want to make sure he keeps up his end of things to put me on a life insurance policy and will his house to me so I won't end up kicked out the home, with nothing since we are not married (I have contributed a lot to his family and household expenses during our years together, put up with tons of nasty crap from his adult daughter). Personally, before I sign any guardianship papers for SS16, I would like to first see documents signed by him showing I am in fact beneficiary to a life insurance policy and the house is willed to me. Is that possible in a deployment scenario? I'm asking as he has to get all his papers in order prior to deployment and I get the impression he has to do that all at once. Hope it makes sense...I've gone above and beyond for him and his kids and if he's not willing to ensure I'm taken care of in the event of his death, I'd rather not sacrifice the next 9 months caring for his kid while he is deployed. I'm kind of at the make or break point in our relationship after feeling so burnt out after giving so much as a step parent and all the drama that has kept us from moving our relationship more forward.
SGLI
The first step would be to ensure that you are listed on his SGLI if, God forbid, anything were to happen to him while he was deployed. If your house isn't on the mortgage, you should be able to contact the mortgage company and find out what it would take for you to have your name added to to the title. In my experience, I met with a military JAF officer to establish a living will and have everything spelled out so that there was no question as to who was receiving what in the event of my death. If he isn't willing to take those steps, I would definitely question his intent, especially if you're helping with household payments. I hope this helps.
thank you
What is SGLI? I am not in the military and not sure of all the terminology.
The SGLI is the document that
The SGLI is the document that your BF has to fill out that dictates who his beneficiary is for the military's life insurance policy. It stands for Servicemembers' Group Life Insurance and is mandatory for all service men and women to have. I would ask him about that, for sure. You can google what the form looks like. He can break up the policy into different percentages that would determine who gets what amount of money.
Awesome
thank you so much!!!!
Might it make sense just to
Might it make sense just to quickly get married? Or is there some reason you don't want to.
We are not ready. Too much fighting
over drama caused by evil adult SD. We are in the process of trying to move past that (more about me getting letting go of my anger over her nasty behavior towards me). So the timing of his deployment could not have been worse. I want to make sure we can go back to getting along and blocking her out of our relationship.
My situation is different as
My situation is different as I dealt with reservist military service of my husband who was the father of my son. Again it is different in that he served reservist duty /call up in the Swiss military and not the US military. Swiss military does not participate in armed conflicts but do peace keeping duties sometimes... so the risk of him getting killed did exist even if it was minor. It's not nice to talk about death, but the reality of military service makes this a possibility so I am not going to beat around the bush.
You have to ensure that your partner has a will and that everything relating to future child care / custody is already spelled out. You also have to ensure that all assets (house, car, etc.) generally have insurance policies that cover death or injury; and that you are beneficiary to assets - either solely or along with minor children. I don't know what your situation is with bank accounts, but any bank accounts could be frozen when a deceased estate is sorted out, so you need to have a bank account with your name only - any joint accounts may be frozen if his estate needs to be sorted out. Please keep in mind that you may not have access to joint funds for some time if anything untoward happens to him.
Insurance policies - whether through the military for his service - or privately held, he needs to look at having them in the event that something untoward happens to him. This would be for upkeep of his children or money that comes to you - again in the event of his death.
Because my husband had a full time job - outside of the Swiss Army- and only served when called up for training or reservist duty, the Swiss Army has an insurance scheme where he was paid 80% of his regular income through insurance and he received standard army payment of salary which often times is less than what reservists made outside of the Army in their normal careers. (This was to prevent them from falling behind on their normal bills on an army salary.)
You must ensure that all the paperwork is done and in order before your SO deploys. I don't know the equivalent in the US, but there should be family liaison officers to help you and your spouse with your admin and planning for the time he will be away.
SO also needs to clearly spell out that you de facto parent / acting in loco parentis to SS16 when he is away - and that the child needs to listen to you. He really needs to sit down with SS and you and have this discussion.
Your SO has full custody - my exH had full custoday of his son. I got guardianship of my minor SS (then 17) when I divorced my exH because SS continued lived with me. There was no need to consult BM on the guardianship agreement. You should consult a lawyer and get the guardianship authorisation sorted out which clearly spells out your rights to decision making for SS - especially those that involve legal and medical matters.
(Strange that you posted this today... I was thinking today about my own son who needs to do military service in the future - he has no choice: compulsory draft / conscription.)
thank you for all the detailed information
So very helpful and brings up things I have not thought about.
Why
i feel like you are setting yourself up for failure with this. Either get married and go all in or step back and let your boyfriend andhis ex handle their child.
When my DH deployed, the skids went to BM. They came over once a week for dinner andthat was it.
You are giving this man all the wifey privileges and have no guarantee he will honor wifey responsibilities. This isn't about deployment, you would be in the same boat if he keeled over from a heart attack or got hit by a car.
If BM wouldn't screw up her kid again I would
Then I'd be stuck with a messed up kid after deployment plus trying to get our relationship back on track post deployment. I understand where you are coming from and get concerned about setting up for failure myself...one of the reasons I have minmized my contributions to the househould over the last year is to save a bigger nest egg. I had thought we'd be married after living together for 1 year...but his nasty daughter caused so many problems that we ended up fighting all the time and neither one of us wanted to get married under those circumstances. All bills will be paid automatically from his account when he deploys. I've been divorced once already and will be extra careful when marrying agian. That's why I want to get the financial security if something bad happens during deployment. Then if we can't get back on track after he returns I will move out and on without him. Thank you for reminding me he's getting the better "deal" so to speak.
Why
doesnt BM have any custody? It seems she would be willing to take the kid into her home if offered. Unless she's given up her parenting rights completely, guardianship of thekid might not be your boyfriend's to give. The most I had when DH was deployed was a POA giving me permission to seek medical treatment in his absence in case something happened to BM, at least the he skids would have someone caring for them while he travelled home and was out of contact. I feel like it will be really iffy for guardianship to be given to an unrelated person when BM seems available.
Because she has no job and no home and she does not want
real parental responsibility. She technically lives several states away (using a family members address from her hometown), but she actually spends most all her time on the road with her trucker boyfriend. Barely sees her sons. Her hometown is a crappy place where most kids have drug problems and barely graduate high school, SS16 was picked on and beat up when he did live down there with her over 7 years ago before DH got full custody. He is a bit geeky and was easily targeted. Where we live now, kids are a lot more accepting and he has thrived.
DH is going to speak with BM first as she would either have to get off the road and be a real parent, or leave it up to me. Yes she of course has to agree. This is a woman who barely makes time to visit her own kids - if they come trucking through town she'll swoop in for a few hours to be mother of the year - she won't even take her son for the 6 weeks in summer she was granted. I have raised her sons full time for the last 7 years, not her. But I am more than happy if she will actually step up and take responsibility for her own kid for once. DH thinks she won't. We are planning to meet with a JAG officer to see if we need POA or guardianship to cover things during his deployment of BM will continue to be a non-parent.
If SS16 stays with me, I will need complete control of his care, schooling, medical, everything...and we are not sure if that will require guardianship or POA only. BM contributes NOTHING to her son, no money, no help.
Unless there's a court order giving you custody
BM could come pick up the kid and take him wherever she likes, so it's not just about the house and SGLI.
Your DH will need to petition the court to make you the guardian. If he has full legal cusotdy, it'll be super easy, but if BM wants the kid (or the CS!), she can make it quite difficult. In most cases a POA won't subsitute, either.
All that said, this sounds like a bad idea from top to bottom. If the relationship is shaky now, imagine what it will be like with several months away.
Yes - his plan is to make me the guardian and he has had
full custody for the last 7 years. The house and SGLI are what I want to be in place before I sign as guardian...I'm just not sure if that is possible to coordinate in that manner as guardianship is done through local county court and the other documentation is done through the military. Yes the timing is awful with a shaky relationship. SS16 has come a long way and I really like the kid and don't want to see him messed up by his mother again...not quite ready to give up on my relationship as boyfriend understands now how toxic his adult daughter is and we both agree that is what we need to move past to not let her affect us and have finally worked through.
Maybe
it would be easier to draft a prenup and get married. That way you will have more rights to everything- especially if, God forbid, something happened to him. Otherwise your toxic SD is the next of kin, yes?
She and her 19 year old brother are next of kin "adults"
But that is what the will is going to take care of....make sure I get the house and it's contents if something were to happen to him as well as a life insurance policy. If he comes back from deployment, and we just keep having arguements over his nasty SD (he needs to keep her from causing problems), then I'm leaving him...won't be so easy to leave if we are married. My hope is we can back on track with the great relationship we used to have though.
You really should talk to an
You really should talk to an attorney. In some states, children have a right to an inheritance over a non-heir, such as you, regardless of what he puts in the will. I would hope an attorney who drafted said will would make that clear to him, but just in case, I'd suggest you meet with someone yourself (or insist that DH take you with him).
thank you for that advice. I was concerned about.
A friend of mine that is a lawyer told me it would be very difficult for next of kin to contest the will if I have already been living in the home and DH is of sound mind. I will also ask the JAG officer about that when we talk to him. I am looking at being the beneficiary of his SGLI as a backup in case that happens.
Same boat
my DH was in Afghanistan (civilian contractor) when we got married. He came home on 2 weeks leave and immediately put a ring on it. I protested that he wasn’t obligated to marry me just because we moved in together but he was adamant that I have the protection that married status brings. I could be on his insurance, had the inarguable right to handle his funeral, no one would challenge allocation of assets to me.
I honestly think you need to handle the status of your relationship before he ships out. Either marry or walk away. Why in the world would you spend the next year dedicating your life to a man and his child if you’re not even sure you want to be with him?
This is bigger than on surface challanges.
Doesnt matter if kids have been in your home or not. Historically the courts believe a child should be with bio "kin''...now add a heafty death benifit and you bet the kin will come running. Bio mom isnt gonna let that slip out of her fingers. She still shows interest in the children even IF she trucks in ever few months and plays MOTY. Although He may have a will that states he wants custody to go to YOU...but there is a living bio parent who has not lost parental rights, and is not in the clinker, right?
Also, YOU do not have a leg to stand on because you are not a dependent. Your never going to be a dependant until you are married. One example of being a non-dependent, Isnt it true You can not just drive on base all by yourself.
Ma'am you are not protected. Your in your 50's. IF your soldier boyfriend (active duty????..hmmm) doesnt want to run to the court house and marry you before deployment, after all these years together that tells ME alot and should speak very loudly to you. Are you sure they are legally divorced?
At this point you can not make any decisions about the kids. Dad is going to have to go to court to modify current court order, bm DOES HAVE rights. And she can assert them. The moment dad leaves town.
NO way would I remain unprotected. Please take care of you.
PS you and your boyfriend
PS you and your boyfriend have known about possible deployment since early fall.
And he still has not protected you?
He was told his unit got "taken
off the the board" shortly thereafter in the Fall and would not be going. Just in the last week, they were told their unit was back on the board and going. We were both blindsided by it. That is why I now feel I'm scrambling to make sure I am taken care. I don't want to be married right now, but I don't want to end the relationship either. I feel so torn.
I forgot to mention up front that this is a man who after the last nasty stunt his adult daughter recently pulled with me, and they really had it out and she gave him an ultimatium if he chose to support me. He told her he supports me. He told me he lost his daughter for supporting me, and he does NOT regret that becasue of the awful way she was behaving. I became upset and told him I will leave our relationship then so he can get his daughter back because I don't want be the reason and told him there should not have been a choice for him to make...he said leave if you want but then that means she (his daughter) wins. He did not want to speak further of their incident as it was too painful. I realize he may "get" his daughter back again someday, but he showed me something very important with not taking her nonsence anymore and having a backbone and showing her she does not control her dad or his relationship with me. So since this recent incident, we are trying to stop fighting about her to see if we can move on.
That's irrelevant
He is a reservist and a single parent. He needs to have plans in place. He could get deployed anytime. Reservists don't always go with their own unit either. It's important for you to understand what's going on but the responsibility is his. And like another contributor pointed out, what happens if he gets hit by a bus? Who has he put in his will to take his minor child, and if it is not his ex, does she consent? I really think you need to talk to a lawyer. Are you on the same page as to who has contributed what to the household? Can you make a case for having a stake in the home equity? If so I would settle that regardless of the deployment status. If he is the sole owner, there are ways to ensure you can stay in the house for a specified period of time if he predeceases you. I get that you will be sacrificing your time to serve as guardian during the deployment and you expect compensation. I just don't know if that will fly with a court. Besides, he can make a will, or a beneficiary designation on his insurance, and change it the next day if he wants to, so if you do not trust him completely with this, I would not rely on these steps alone for your financial security.
If he dies, his minor son goes his BM or next of kin, not me. I
would only be temporary guardian during deployment if BM agrees. I would never want actual custody of his kid, that is not even on the table. Yes i understand he can change beneficiary back if he wants...I trust he would not be that callous. We will be consulting a lawyer. I do appreciate all the helpful advice and I will be sure to make backup plans just in case.