am i a heartless b!tch?
so my BF's ex-wife has a health condition and she gets seizures alllll the time. so yesterday it was so bad that an ambulance took her to the ER. well, this is my issue- she is a stay at home mom- the kids saw what was happening, called 911, then called my BF. he rushed over to get them (obviously, not where my issue lies) and then followed the ambulance to the ER (again, i have no problem with this) so the kids could visit and make sure she was okay. well- they said she was okay, stable (again, this happens all the time) so the kids went to their swim meet but my BF stayed with the ex-wife. THAT is where my problems lies. her family and friends should be there for her- not my BF. i told him his responsibility is to his children, not his ex-wife. picking them up, taking them to see her, etc- all fine. but there is no reason you need to be by her side. he said he was just there bc he knows her medical history, etc. if this was a one time thing i would be more understanding but happens every other month- i told him she needs to find a new "emergency contact" that can be there for her and you will take the kids. am i a heartless b!tch? i would like to add that this woman, like most BM's, has made our life a living hell and she has been nothing but absolutely evil to both of us. i think if one of us were in the ER she would find a way to accidentally over dose us on pain killers.
I would tell him that if he
I would tell him that if he does it again he will come home to the locks changed on the door and his shit outside. It's NOT OK. If he cares about her that much, perhaps he should be with her.
Heartless? Maybe...WRONG?
Heartless? Maybe...WRONG? NO...
OK, not even heartless...NO WAY IN HELL that I would allow that. I couldn't agree more with everything you said. I think he needed to be with HIS KIDS, but NOT alone with her for ANY reason. Yes, he might just be super nice, but it's irrelevant. If he cares so much, he should be with her instead...sigh...I wonder what he would do if YOU stayed with YOUR ex (ANY EX) at a hospital...yup! He'll probably say something along the lines of "you have no kids with him"...but then again, his kids weren't there...sigh...
her family lives an hour
her family lives an hour away- parents and siblings. but she has lived in the area for 15 years and has MANY close friends and neighbors, all of which could have been there at the hospital with her. she couldn't talk- which is why my bf stayed to give the information. and friend came and took her out of the hospital this morning and he dropped the kids off at the house to see her. i told him this morning- if she has another "medical emergency" and you leave- don't come back.
I hate to say this but if
I hate to say this but if this man is just your bf and not your husband and you are already having these sort of problems then I would seriously reconsider the relationship or at least dont marry him. I'm sure that I speak for a lot of us who did get married and trust me, the problems only get worse and they NEVER end. If its not issues with the BM then it is with the kids.
I would not be comfortable
I would not be comfortable with that. You all are a blended family but this isnt his job anymore. If it happens on the regular they should have enough of her medical history to cover this incident. If they didnt have kids would he still have been called? Probably not. It seems like she uses him as a crutch and he likes to feel needed. I would have a sit down chat with him and tell him that is no longer his job and it makes you uncomfortable. You dont mind sharing him with the kids but you should not have to share him with her.
he is telling me today that
he is telling me today that he was "there for the kids because they were scared"- and he only stayed because there was no one there (i don't even know if he called anyone?) to hear from the doctor to see if she would stay over night because he needed to know what to do with the kids (8 and 10). so i told him well if this happens again- you need to call someone to be there- her parents, a friend, etc. and wait until they get there then leave. he refuses- says what if something happens to her and i need to be there for kids? i basically told him if something happens then her parents can call you and then you can go up to be there for them but there is no reason to stay at the hospital with your kids and her.
he is acting like i am the most heartless person to ever walk the earth. i told him this is a deal breaker.
All you can do is stand by
All you can do is stand by your feelings. Know what your not going to deal with and what you are willing to deal with. If this is a deal breaker then that is what it is.
I dont think you are
I dont think you are heartless at all. His time to be supportive of her is long gone. He should have been at the swim meet with the kids not with her. Something similar to this happened to me when DH and I were together for about 6 months. Except in my situation I was having surgery and sitting in pre-op waiting to go back to the operating room. BM called as they were taking me back and rather than be there for me he walked away from me and took the call from BM, not saying a word to be before I went back to surgery. Needless to say, I didnt speak to him for about a month after that! That should have been my first clue that I would never come first!
I had this very same problem
I had this very same problem when My BF now DH started dating. He would talk to her like they were BFF's - he would do extra things - I can't remember exact examples it was over 10 years ago........but I DO know he did stuff like this. I got mad at first; telling him basically WTF!?!? He tried to explain that he was just trying to keep things civil; and blah blah blah - he never stepped back and took a look how that would make him feel if I was sitting their with my ex?? (of course I didn't have one so it was hard for him to see) just try to MAKE him see that your not jelous you just think its rude and in a way it does make you look bad. My DH's ex and SD took it as a sign that they were going to get back together which caused more confusion........just be patient with this - good luck
Well it sounds like we all
Well it sounds like we all agree but I'll chime in anyway. Your not heartless. Either he's not fully over her or he's an idiot or both.
Either way, I wouldn't put up with it either. How do you think he would react if the tables were turned? Would he be all smiles if you rushed to the side of an ex?
Deal breaker, agreed. Speak
Deal breaker, agreed. Speak up now or be miserable.
BF's exwife is in/out of hospitals/surgeries...he hasn't even once asked how she is-in fact I asked him if she was out of the danger zone and he looked at me like I had three heads lol. His mom keeps up more but him/her do not speak. He did not give her his new number. NOW that DOES have a drawback in that all the "scheduling" of visitation is agreed to upon by his parents/ex/sd....w/out his consent. BUT even when he DID have the phone, if he didn't agree to something she'd go behind his back, call his parents, they would agree so there was no changing that. At least he doesn't have to hear her voice or harrasing texts anymore.
He would never show up at a hospital for her even if she were dying or to a funeral. I can't say I have that contempt for my exh anymore but I certainly wouldn't do what your bf did and sit by his bedside for a seizure yuckkkkkk.
Let him know that you asked around-you aren't wrong in your thinking at ALL.
thank you all for your
thank you all for your responses and not making me feel cruel and heartless for my reaction. i laid everything out for BF and we are going to chat tonight...we shall see how it goes...ugh!
I know it has been said
I know it has been said before but it CAN'T be said often enough - go with your gut. This board is littered with women who did not heed the warning signs, joined their lives with a man with kids, and lived to deeply regret it.
The "for the kids" is an all purpose get out of jail free card and it has no maximum use or expiration. It can be used to cover everything from shady behaviour, financial issues and living arrangements to where you go for lunch. If he is using it already for such questionable "putting you last" behaviour I am really concerned.
I dearly love my FH but, had I known what life with his kids (and who he becomes when he is with his kids) I would have had a brief and beautiful torrid affair with him and then kissed him goodbye. My heart breaks at the thought of us slowly destroying the love we had with our constant arguing over those children. It would have been better to walk away wanting more but still in love.
Hmm... my first thought is
Hmm... my first thought is everyone is right, he shouldn't have stayed. But then I tried to think what I would do if it were my son's dad in the hospital. If my son wanted to stay, I would likely stay there with him to support my son and help my son through it. But if my son wanted to leave, I would be gone... But I don't think I'd want to be sitting in the room with my ex. I would wait in the waiting room.
NO this is not ok. You are
NO this is not ok. You are right. Her family should be there, not her Ex-husband. I would be mad. His loyalty is to his children and children alone. If he wanted to be there for her every time she needs someone he should have stayed married to her.
I cant imagine my dh sitting
I cant imagine my dh sitting by bm's bedside no matter what the issue is. I guess if she had some sort of attack while he was standing there with her he would ensure that 911 was called and then he would take care of his kid. I guess he might run ss by there to see her-but then he would come home. I guess he might be a pal and call bm's family to let them know.
I agree that he had no right
I agree that he had no right to stay there, i would have been pissed the f*** off & went to the hospital & telll him IT'S TIME TO GOOOO. Like WTF?