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Always the one apologizing!

Wishful06's picture

Submitted by Wishful06 on Thu, 04/23/2015 - 2:18am

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Hi all,

I would love everyone's opinions on this situation because, at the moment, my partner and I are being made to feel like we are terrible people!

We agreed with BM that we would get the skids passports. Happy days!

The passport office called us and said that they require a copy of my MIL birth cert OR FIL Birth & Marriage cert.

MIL refused to give us this information. So we had to spend time and money getting a copy of FIL birth cert (as he had lost it) and we couldn't get a copy of the marriage cert as they are divorced and refused to give enough details.

I then text MIL and said I need your passport number as it might help. (I was polite in asking etc.)

Anyway, my partner and I were not very happy with MIL, she sent her birth cert off for her daughters passports but couldn't do it for her grandkids?! And her reason was that she didn't see why they needed it, it was stupid. Coz the passport office care what she thinks!

She then text me a few days later saying she wants to know if her passport number helped in the application. I said I dont know if it will and if they dont accept what we have sent then we wont be getting any passports!

She then said she had done loads of research and turned out they didnt need HER information they needed BM information. I said no, they already have BM information and I did ask what they need now and they told me the above.

Well....then her MILs OH text me, not being rude, but saying that I am being out of order, how upset MIL is when all she is trying to do is HELP her grandkids get their passports bla bla bla. How apparently WE should have been more prepared for this obstacle. And also we should accept MILS advice and follow up with the passport office.

I said to him that actually we WERE prepared but MIL refused the one bit of information we needed for reasons I do not understand. I said I appreciate MIL looking into it but that was not what we needed from her. I explained the whole situation, nicely, to her OH.

Anyway, eventually I got SO angry that I just text MIL saying sorry and thank you. If I don't apologise then this goes on forever! And I don't have the time or energy to argue with a woman who plays Victim ALL OF THE TIME!

So she came back to me saying that I am not being sincere in my apology. I explained that we will never agree on this, she didn't want to help us in the way we needed (as is her prerogative and I accept that) where as she feels she did EVERYTHING in her power to help us. At the end of the day no point in arguing, just agree to disagree. But she wont and I am getting very tired of having to concede to this stupid woman.

What does everyone think about this? Are me and DH being unfair to her?

Sootica's picture

Submitted by Sootica on Thu, 04/23/2015 - 3:56am

No I don't think you are being rude, however why on earth is your DH not dealing with his OWN mother when trying to sort out passports for HIS children? If your DH agreed with BM to get passports for the skids it is on HIM to run around after MIL and FIL and get the relevant paperwork. If you didn't get involved you wouldn't be apologising to MIL.

I'm not sure where you live but here in the UK a stepparent is not allowed to apply for a skids passport unless that stepparent is named on the parental order or parental responsibility agreement. If you feel you are the one constantly apologising it might be time to take a step back and see what preventative measures you can take in the future not to find yourself in that type of situation again.

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 04/23/2015 - 4:07am

I'm guessing these are their EEU passports? I cannot get my daughters without my fathers information at the French consulate. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I do know in our country you can get anything you want from Home Affairs with enough bribe money or just the counter person being lazy. My MIL was able to get my SS's birth certificate without either parents permission ...

Make this your DH/ partners problem and back off. This is one of those areas you need to stay out of.

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Thu, 04/23/2015 - 8:30am

Just stop engaging with her. That should be your DH's job. And unless you actually did something wrong, don't apoligize to her anymore. Or if you feel you have to say, 'I'm sorry you feel that way' then end the conversation.

Wishful06's picture

Submitted by Wishful06 on Fri, 04/24/2015 - 5:31am

Hi All,

Thank you for the responses!

My OH is dealing with it as well as me, the whole thing was my idea and it came up when I spoke to BM once and she said it was all fine with her. My OH was the one who asked for the certificate from his mum etc. and I helped him do the application because he had no idea what to do but his mum just keeps talking to me about it and I end up cornered by her into dealing with it. Once, in a similar situation, I didn't respond to her and rang my OH and told him to sort it out. He called her and she ignored his call and kept calling me. I ignored her and ended up AGAIN having to apologize for ignoring her and being rude but when I pointed out she did the same to her son....WELL that is a different story isn't it?!

We are in the UK and apparently the reason they needed the Grandparents details were because BM doesn't know who her parents are and, because she and my OH never married and were born after 1982, he has to prove HE is British (even though he has a passport) I really don't get it!! At least we have the passports now!!

I think I will take your advice! We fall out at least once a year because she gets involved in our lives and throws her weight around and then expect everyone to apologise to her when they get annoyed at her behavior. It is difficult though because even though my OH is not a massive fan of his mum and understands my issues with her but BM stopped the skids from having contact with MIL when she was still in the picture because she hated her so much and my OH is terrified this will happen again with me and, hopefully, any future children.

Think I will just have to pretend she doesn't exist and play nice when I HAVE to.

Thank you for your advice all!! x

Wishful06's picture

Submitted by Wishful06 on Fri, 04/24/2015 - 10:58am

I quite agree!!

I hate to admit it but I did lose my rag with her today.

My OH text her saying that we want to come and see her to discuss what we are doing for her birthday as we are meant to be taking her out. He also apologised as well in his text. Neither of us got a text back other than to say it was her dads birthday.

So I rang her to talk and she hung up the call so I left her a voicemail saying that I find it incredible that she can play the victim and then bully her own family into apologising for things they should not be apologising for. That she hindered us with no explanation and then attacked us for being rude to her. I went on to say that it amazes me she can sit there and tell us the etiquette for these situations is to apologise and thank her for all of her 'hard' work but she cannot even acknowledge our apology or thanks. Finished with...Your arrogance is truly amazing.

I then told my OH, who wasn't bothered in the slightest and has now decided that he doesnt want his mum involved in our lives or his childrens.

This is a fleeting comment I am sure but it gives us some peace for a while at least!