Advice please!!
At Christmas my 13 year old SS decided me hated me and his dad and for the past 4 months he has been verbally and physically abusive to his mother and his dad (my husband) and has been to the hopsital several times for psychiatric assessment and also has been to the police station, court and even spent a night in a juvenile detention centre.
I have not seen him for the last four months.
He is now on heavy medication and is apparently doing much better. My DH thinks I should just welcome him back into my home because he's now medicated.
I am not ready for this and have told him that we need to have the counselling that we said we would have when this all started.
We have two daughters aged 2 and 3 and DH wants him to have access to them again which I don't want to happen yet as he has hit and pinched and scratched DH on a few occasions and has not yet shown any remorse.
DH wants it to happen this week and I just don't. I know that eventually I have to welcome this child back into my home but if I looked at him this week I would just be so filled with anger about what we've been put through this past 4 months and I would'nt be welcoming at all.
Please, I need advice. I know I'm going to be the one who has to bend over and compromise and that makes me so mad.
BTW the reasons he hates us have still to be raised. Only silly things like not letting him have the chocolate milk that his gran brought over one and BM is crazy and enables his wretched behaviour.
That's exactly what I think
That's exactly what I think and I told him that today. I said that he needed to go and spend time with his son and redevelop that relationship before we let our daughters see him but he said it was just cruel keeping them apart. He is totally blinded by it and I can see now that it's all just going to be even worse than it was before because poor ss has real problems and DH is just going to be even more lenient and blind. I want to run away
Thank you all, I don't feel
Thank you all, I don't feel quite as alone now.
He has been seeing a series of counsellors and DH has been involved in the counselling too with him and with the BM. SS pushed his mother and vandalised the house for a second time about 4 weeks ago and was taken to juvie for the night as he broke his AVO conditions. About a week later the paediatrician put him on the drugs and apparently he is tired but much nicer. I don't know if he has been going to counselling since then though as BM hasn't bothered to talk to DH since he's been behaving himself.
Back in January I allowed DH to take the girls to see SS at the park but it was the worst 1.5hours of my life and I said today that I wouldn't allow SS to exclude me from my children but DH said that he'd already said I would be going... but I am not ready to see him as I said. Sorry I'm repeating, I'm just so angry and feeling powerless.
The really sad thing is that while my husband has struggled the last few months not having access to his son, our relationship and daily life has been so much happier and easy going. DH even admits that but of course he misses his kid and I can't (and wont) stop that relationship and so I know that it's soon going to be hello troubled waters again.
SS never displayed this behaviour at our house, he just snapped at his mother's house at Christmas and blamed everything on us.
Thanks for reading, appreciate your views as my dear friends are not in this situation so cannot understand what I am going through.
I just spoek to DH again and
I just spoek to DH again and said I had posted on here and wasn't alone in my thinking. He said that ss should be able to see his sisters and that its just punishing him if we don't let him. He told him that if he behaved for a few weeks he could see my children... not something I would have said in his shoes.
I said again that he needs to see him and get things on track but again he said that he's already told the kid he can see the girls this week. He said he's not asking for ss to move back in (one weekend every fortnight was the access).
He said he supported my decision for him not to see our daughters for the past three months but I think he forgot that every time ss saw him he called him a C*** and told him to F off and physically attacked him... yep DH I'm so glad you supposted my decision to keep our DDs away from violence and abuse - You rock.
I know he just wasnts his son back but I really think that he's using my children to do it and is just blinded by the whole situation. I'm losing here... either my husband or control over my children's wellbeing.
This has always been a toxic situation but now that my babies are being involved I'm at my end.
THIS. It's utter bullshit.
THIS. It's utter bullshit. He's not disputing YOUR point, that this is not in the best interests of the little ones, his argument is that what is in their best interests is unfair to the older one? SERIOUSLY?!?
Don't let him steamroll you on this. Tell him exactly what your conditions are for SS seeing the little ones again. Tell him that you are not preventing them from having a relationship, you are in fact trying to PROTECT their relationship in the long term. Figure out exactly what conditions you have that are non-negotiable and tell DH that. Your DH has clearly appointed himself the one looking out for SS's interests (to the exclusion of anyone else), and that leaves YOU looking out for your little ones.
Unfortunately it came to a
Unfortunately it came to a head last night and now there will be no visit this week but I am public enemy number one with both DH and SS as DH thought it was best to tell SS that I said no!! He just doesn't get that he's just reinforcing SS's hatred of me by doing that.
He could have just said no, it's not the right time or bla bla without telling him that I was the one making that decision. And of course he added that he didn't like my decision so he's showing that we are not united which is a major part of the issues here anyway.
DH is 'disappointed' in me even though he pushed me to say no after I'd asked if we could just talk about it tomorrow then he went ahead and started organisng it on teh phone with SS and what's worse he then told my daughter (3) that I was stopping her from seeing her brother... he later apologised for that but DD cried for half an hour.
I really feel like he's chosen a side rather than saying hey let's work through this together. Not looking forward to him coming home as I know it's not going to be very joyful.
I'm starting to think I should just bend over and let SS DH and BM run the show after all it's only for 4 years and 11 more months, otherwise my DDs will be from a broken home
Your DH is disappointed in
Your DH is disappointed in you? That's what a parent says to a child. Not what a husband says to his wife. He is clearly not acting as your partner in finding a solution -- he's throwing a childish hissy fit because he's not getting his way.