300 Miles Away
I have two SD's, one is five and the other is seven and they currently live 300 miles away from their biological parents. The kids are being raised by BM's parents since they were born because BM has to work. DH sees his kids once a month for a day and a half, the grandparents drive the kids 300 miles to their BM's place and sees her briefly and DH picks them up. The kids stay with us for 36 hours and DH drives them back to BM and then their grandparents drive them 300 miles back home. The seven-year-old SD didn't have any issues when she was younger but for the past year, she has been having episodes and meltdowns because she misses her mom and wants to live with her. BM has been trying to spend more time and better their relationship but now SD doesn't want to stay at daddy's when it's visitation time. Any advice on how we can help SD be comfortable during visitations or how to help her overcome her long distance relationship with her BM?
Why doesn't DH just go and
Why doesn't DH just go and stay for 36 hours in the kids town rather than having them travel so far for such a short amount of time. He could get a hotel and stay one or two nights, the kids could sleep in their own beds and he could be Disney Daddy extraordinare for a day and a half.
That's got to be taxing for the kids to be shuttled 600 miles for a short visit to someone who is their father in name only.
What a screwed up situation.
What a screwed up situation. Those poor kids. Heck, those poor grandparents, picking up the slack for two nonparents.
What exactly do you find attractive about this man who is fine with abdicating his parenting responsibilities? Is he at least paying support to the gparents? Why hasn't he sought more custody??
The skids are reaching an age where they need stability and parents who are present and engaged. Your H's daughter is acting out because neither parent is there for her and she is aware of the void. If you want to help the child, urge your H to step up and parent the kids he made.
Exactly! It's so messed up, I
Exactly! It's so messed up, I'm starting to run out of hope. I should have given more details, H did fight for his kids and is still currently fighting for them with his main claim that they need to be raised with at least one of the parents but the judge denied him and he's stuck with a 5% custody. He does pay child support but it goes directly to the M which she's supposedly giving it to them. H has been trying to be a parent but it's hard when he can only see them once a month so there's no consistency nor can he provide stability except seeing them once a month, he does call too but the grandparents always tell him they can't come to the phone. Gotta love the judicial system, they'll always pick the M's side but in the meantime, this is what we're facing now and we don't know what else we can do to help SD with the void.
Why is your DH not parenting
Why is your DH not parenting his two children? I'd have a hard time respecting a guy that dumps his kids on the grandparents when he's capable of caring for them.
But as for your question, you probably can't do much at all, except urge your husband to be a better parent to his children so they don't feel abandoned by BOTH of their parents.
Sorry, I forgot to mention
Sorry, I forgot to mention that DH did fight for the kids and is still fighting for them but it was actually the BM who dumped her own kids at her parents because she needs to work and she didn't want to give the kids to DH because she wants to be the primary custodian and DH does keep making the argument that the kids need to be raised with at least one of the parents and she said she can't because she needs to work and that at least the kids are with their grandparents. When it came to the court, DH always got denied and the judge always took BM's side so he's been stuck with a 5% custody which is really hard on the father's side to provide consistent and stable parenting on his end and he is trying but he only gets them once a month and even the grandparents deny him his phone calls to his kids. It does suck though to be a step parent because you're on the sidelines and there really isn't anything you can do and that's why we're trying to deal with it and work our way through and right now our main focus is how can we make this little girl not feel abandoned?
Can he get a better attorney?
Can he get a better attorney? It seems crazy that a judge would leave kids with grandparents over bio parents. Would the gparents let him come see them more in their town?
That's what he's currently
That's what he's currently doing, getting a better lawyer, so hopefully, he can have them more and we did try coming to their town to see them more but it never seems to fit their grandparent's schedule ironically even when we said we can come every weekend just to have lunch with them but H keeps getting a big slap of rejection every time he tries to be a parent.
That brings up something else
That brings up something else I wondered - any chance the grandparents are turning the kids against DH? They seem to be willing to do anything for their daughter, and that type of parent might support her vendetta against her ex.
If he really wants custody, he probably should move to their town and try to get 50/50 first. I know that's a huge deal and might not be possible, but it probably would help his chances if it is at all possible. I can see how the court might not want to uproot them from the only home they've ever known and move them 300 miles away. I'd advise, too that he gets an attorney in the gparents town - that attorney will know the judges there better.
What jobs do BM & your DH
What jobs do BM & your DH work that neither of them can take their kids? I don’t understand how it’s the grandparents responsibility to both care for AND provide transportation for children they did not bring into the world. I’m sorry but this doesn’t make any sense, I feel sorry for these children.
I don't understand it either
I don't understand it either and makes absolutely no sense, how can you have kids and not be a parent? Like what I was saying to the other replies, I forgot to mention that DH did fight for these kids and it's still an ongoing fight to have more custody but our "great" judicial system always picks the M's side so he has 5% custody and can only see them once a month which is difficult to provide consistent and stable parenting on his end plus when he tries to call his kids the grandparents ignore his calls or says they can't come to the phone. I don't want to give too much away about what they both do for a living but they have a typical M-F, 9-5 job but it was the M who decided to leave her kids with her parents because she said she needs to work so I don't understand how can a mother live so far from her kids and not be a mother to them when other single moms out there are capable of working and being a mom the same time. DH wanted to take them on more, saying they should at least be raised by one of the parents but she doesn't want that, she wants to be the primary parent. In the meantime, we're stuck with once a month and our main focus right now is how can we make SD be comfortable?
I think a relocation is in
I think a relocation is in order. A judge is likely looking at your DH living 300 miles away as him NOT wanting to be a parent, and him NOT having the same support structure that the kids have now. Judges *tend to* want to keep kids in the stability that they know, so they expect parents, particulary NCPs, to cater to that stability.
As mentioned above, your DH's odds of seeing his kids more will improve if he moves closer. If he can live in the same school district, he may be able to get 50/50, or at least every other weekend and every Wednesday.
Now, that won't stop the alienation tactics from BM and her parents, but it does make it easier to fight. They withhold the kids? File for contempt. They harass you? Limit communication to text only. Kids don't answer for court-mandated phone calls? Another contempt charge and a letter from the attorney telling them to knock it off. Then fill the kids with facts - Dad has been fighting to see them but court (not BM or GBMPs) said no, he pays CS, he moved to be closer to them, etc. Never trashing anyone, just always saying how DH fights for them.
It's going to be an uphill battle from here on out unless everyone can agree that Dad CAN and SHOULD be the primary custodian since he has the ability to be.
So the maternal grandparents
So the maternal grandparents have raised both children since birth? The kids are seven and five, two years apart in age. Are/were the parents military. Per your statement , the grandparents were raising the oldest child two years before the second child was even born. Why would that be?
Were the mother and father ever married and/or perhaps they too lived with the grandparents? What you are describing is not a 'normal' custody arrangement for parents who simply work regular M-F 9-5 jobs (even with a 300 mile distance). It also sounds as if Dad and BM do live fairly close to each other (you said grandparents bring kids to BMs and Dad picks them up at BMs for his 36hrs).
This can't be a case of just courts favoring BMs, because BM, herself, doesn't even have the children.
How long have you been with your DH and when was the last time your Dh tried to either receive additional custody time and/or transfer custody entirely?
You have to move closer to SK
How can he parent at 300 miles away? If he has any chance for his kids he has to be closer. Question is BM 300 miles away or GP are 300 miles
if he is living closer to BM then he should have the kids not GP s
If BM is such a waste of skin
If BM is such a waste of skin that they can't care for her kids... why isn't their father the CP? Rather than BM's parents, their own father needs to be the one they live with IMHO.