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“She’s the mother of my children”

EatingMyResentment's picture

this was hard to hear in marriage counseling today.

DH has custody of two teenagers. He has custody because of. CPS action against his ex wife. She also has other children.

she was supposed to meet him half way to pick up the oldest. She said she’s not doing it because she has no money. He drove his oldest to her house.

at her house was his brother and his pregnant girlfriend. All happy family looking and pictures and such. DH is there for hours, tells me later they discussed him not going after her for child suppprt and him giving her his tax returns, because “she is at poverty level” etc.

we discussed it in therapy, and he kept defending it: “Ive known her since I was 15. My whole family knows her since she was 17. She’s the mother of my children. I she tanks that will effect the kids. Etc”.

i have to come to terms with this. It’s his job to take care of his ex wife. For years I didn’t ha e children, and I sucked it down; this is the mother of his children. This is the mother of his children. Everything he does is for the kids. Etc”

i have three weeks to go for this pregnancy and I’m tired. I need to start working again, all I think about is money. I’m depressed, but I need money to give DH money for rent and put money away for my baby. So he can take care of his ex wife. That’s the mother of his children. It’s jist so hard to not take it personal like the therapist said. 

 

End pity party. 

Gucci's picture

What about the mother of his unborn child? What do you get besides grief? I’d be damned if he spent hours at his ex’s house and fought me to give her half our tax return. Who cares if she’s the mother of his children? Worthless crackheads have kids every day, and if she is that hard up, maybe they need to stay with you for a while. I’ve been in this situation ( not as badly though), and that is her problem. Not his. Not yours. 

Rainydaze777's picture

((( hug)))

That would make me lose my mind.

Im so sorry

fairyo's picture

He sounds horrible- I hope your new baby brings you some joy. Maybe his feelings will change when the new baby comes? I hope this gets better for you. 

notarelative's picture

. It’s jist so hard to not take it personal like the therapist said.

How can you not take it personal! It is personal. He's prioritizing the ex wife, the non custodial parent, over his current wife, unborn child, and the children he has custody of. 

ldvilen's picture

This is the third time I quoted this paragraph (someone else wrote it), but I feel I should be posting it over 1000 times on this website, because it is so perfect to describe how it feels many a time being a SP:  "Hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades of pain, hurt, tears, frustration, angst, worry, aggravation, anticipating the fall of the second shoe, misery, heartache, disrespect all the way around, immense health destroying stress, loneliness, vitriol (towards you, including by none other than the "love of your life"), coming in 2nd every.single.time."  I'll add a couple of more realities: As far as Am. society is concerned, someone else's divorce in effect takes priority over your marriage in pretty much every way imaginable (as so clearly evidenced by your example here).  AND, BMs get rewarded for their maternal behavior; SMs rarely do. 

None of this we go through should be expected of us by anyone; none of it.  It all reeks of hypocrisy, ignorance, sexism, and even downright cruelty.  Yet, this is what our society seems to expect from us, demand from us.  SPs need to see it for what it is, unrealstic to the point of almost being laughable, and deal with it on their own accordingly.

Yes, she is the mother is his children and she is mom.  But, how does that make her life worth trillons and yours worth a couple of dollars?  Since when does that mean you get next to nada, while BM gets anything she so desires?  AND, in your case, you are about to be a BM too?  Are your trillons now going to be coming down the pipe?  This is your own husband we are talking about here. He is no longer BM's.

DH and BM are parents, yes, but they are no longer husband and wife.  Most critcize CPS, but one thing that CPS does well to a degree is that it sees mom and dad only as parents of the children.  This is the way everyone should be looking at mom and dad after a divorce.  Everyone.  CPS doesn't care if dad or mom doesn't have a job, for example, they just look at it as 'these are your children and you have to take care of them appropriately somehow."  They aren't swayed by emotional sob stories, which may or may not hold any weight.

In this case, your husband is still married to his -ex.  She is wife #1 and you are wife #2, and pretty much literally!  And, I can gleam that you could have several more children, and she will still hold the #1 position.  Your husband has several assinine excuses in his corner, he's known her for years, etc.  But, that is all they are--excuses.  There is no way in H- YOU should be held accountable for any of your DH's past love-dovey feelings for his -ex.  There is no polygamy in the US.  No sister wives.  In the US there is serial monogamy, and that means you only have one wife at any given time.  At this time, it is you, PERIOD.

You don't have to take what your DH is trying to tell you, and you don't even have to take what your counselor tells you.  I find most SMs' guts usually tell them what they really need to know.  You know what your DH is demanding of you is unfair and you know it is NOT his job to take care of his -ex.  It is his job, if you want to call that, to take care of YOU!  You are his wife.  They chose to divorce, BM and bio-dad.  When they divorced, yes, they agreed to share responsibility for the children.  BUT, when they divorced they gave up the right to continue to be thought of as a couple.  They are no longer joined at the hip; responsible to take care of each other.  They are parents; they are no longer married.  You and your DH, on the other hand, are married.  You are now joined at the hip; responsible for each other.  YOU and your DH.

You do NOT have to put up with this, nor should you be expected to.  Think seriously about whether you should stick around or move on with your child.  In this case, at least if you move on with your child, you'd be getting monetary support from him for your child vs. watching him bend over backwards to support some other woman while you and your child have to do without.  Think about it.  Are you really better with him or better without him?

 

icanteven's picture

This is the most perfect post I ever read on the subject. Wow. The words about the first wife's life being worth trillions while stepmom's life is worth a couple dollars only. This is how I feel so often. I think it is common.

hereiam's picture

He should have stayed married to her if he feels that it's his responsibility to take care of her.

I would not give him one dime. You are having his child, he can take care of you, like he takes care of the ex.

"She's the mother of my children," is the oldest excuse in the book... and not a very good one.

He's known her since she was 15, so what?

As long as he feels that he needs to take care of her, you just get leftovers. Financially and emotionally. That is really not acceptable.

DaniellaR's picture

Yep, I agree with not giving him a dime while he is expecting you to contribute to taking care of his past mistake. No no and no. You are the mother of his child also....if he can completely take care of his ex then he can completely take care of you. What would be his argument against that??? I wouldn't stand for this one bit. If this was my DH, he would find himself with 2 ex wives and children he needs to support. 

notasm3's picture

I doubt if he will treat you that well when you finally leave his sorry ass.  Because  you will finally have to ditch him to survive.

EatingMyResentment's picture

Probably not.

he just asked me how fSt I can get a job to “pick up the slack” in the case his child support goes up to his ex wife. Now I have that in my head. It would nice to be “just pregnant” right now. You know. 

DaniellaR's picture

Whoa.....not acceptable. Let him know if he isn't making it now then he will have one hell of a time making it with 2 different child support orders and a divorce lawyer to pay off. I can't even fathom a man telling a woman this. As if it was your job to take care of his ex. 

icanteven's picture

So when he said that, how did you restrain yourself from kicking him right in his sorry butt? Really, that man is crazy if he thinks this is ok.

fustratedintexas's picture

Congrats on your baby! Focus on baby for now.  Work will come later.  Do what is best for you and baby and I am not advocating divorce but if it means the big D then do it.

MoominMama's picture

Did he use that awful excuse before you married him? And if he did, then I'm curious as to why you went ahead and married him plus are having a child with this loser/user.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but it seems like he has always taken that stand. It will be hard to change as his family are in on it too. And if you make it clear you dont accept that excuse of 'mother of his children' ? And that you dont want to hear it... What then? 

EatingMyResentment's picture

It wasn’t always like that. I think many SM have that blindsighted moment. It’s never “this bad” when you are dating them or marry them. If it were, you wouldn’t be here, right. You love the man, you have no idea how much bullshit being with him entails until it happens, I guess.

MoominMama's picture

So he didnt have that attitude, or lets say show his true colours until after you married. Nice.

You are right though, we dont always know how things will turn out, ive been a victim of that myself. 

icanteven's picture

I can identify with that, too. Some of them hide their true colors very well until it is too late for us.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You do not have to accept the pro-BM pap that your counselor is spouting. Bad counselors are a dime a dozen so don't hesitate to challenge their nonsense with cold hard facts, including how much he can look forward to paying you when you become his next ex. (Google the cs calculator for your state, and add in extra curriculars, insurance + copays, college tuition, life insurance, etc)

You are also "the mother of his children", or will be soon. Stop being so nice and understanding! Lace up your bi!ch boots and tell him how things are going to be going forward. Make him more afraid of angering you than BM.

Separate finances. Hand him all the bills, and tell him that going forward you don't have to be responsible for them because you've acheived  "mother of his children" status. Tell him you're thinking about not going back to work, ever, since you'll be the mother of his children. Housework, meals, errands - goodness, why should you have to exert yourself if you're a MOHC?? 

Your H is caught up in emotional thinking. Sure, he's known BM since she was 15. But each adult is responsible for his/her self. He was pledged to her, but now is pledged to you, and is supposed to be building a future with you. Ask the counselor what happens when your H is living under a bridge because that's all he can afford after supporting the mothers of his children?

At the end of the day, you have to put you and your baby first. If your H can't be brought to think rationally, then prepare an exit strategy. You should not sacrifice your financial security for someone else's deadbeat ex.

 

icanteven's picture

I'm sorry to be rude but F THAT!! You are also the mother of his child. You do not deserve to play second chair to this person who seems she has made very bad decisions. Did you say he has custody of his kids? If that is so and she tanks, they will stay with him and you. Your home is good, so she should do for here, not your husband. I know the therapist is an expert, but I think they are wrong. 

MoominMama's picture

I think therapists are rarely experts. Especially in step dynamics. They are frequently first family sympathetic, all for the kids (even adult ones) and are totally child centric BM lovers. 

icanteven's picture

This is a good point. I find that many people do not understand stepfamily problems, or they oversimplify what they are. I have googled these subjects so many time I lost count, and it seems people think the top stepfamily problem is stepmoms being concerned that the kids won't like them. My problem is that my stepson is an insuffrable brat and his father puts him ahead of me every time, so he acts like a little dictator because he has been put at the top of the list by both of his parents. His mom's boyfriend dumped her over this a few months ago. I will eventually leave my husband over it, most likely. Nobody understands that. You're a monster if you don't love the kid and want them to be first in your life even though they're usually awful.

I'm a bio-mom, too, but I would never let my kids walk all over my husband the way he lets his son walk all over me. I believe it is best to put marriage first, and parent as a united front as both husband and wife being the head of the household. My kids will not interrupt my husband, or pull me away from him if I'm talking with him, or make demands rudely, or anything like that, but my stepson does all that to me, and I'm expected to love it. People say, "Love them like your own!" but how can I? How can anyone? We didn't raise these kids. They look funny, smell funny, act funny, and we don't get to  choose if they can come over or not. Who wouldn't hate that? Nobody understands unless they've been there.

ldvilen's picture

"People think the top stepfamily problem is stepmoms being concerned that the kids won't like them."  Yes, they all like to think that we are all Evil SMs hoping to replace BM in every manner, shape and form.  Yep!  Talk about BM-centric.  No, for the most part, SM just wants to her role as DH's wife to be accepted and respected.  She took vows with her DH only.  She married him.  So why so many go around thinking it is a SK vs. SM issue all the time is beyond me.  Most of the time it is a bio-issue, BM and DH.  BM tends to think she has the right to control DH still (all under the guise of "I'm protecting the children"), and DH thinks he has to do whatever BM or SKs want him to do, a/k/a be a Disney dad.

This is why after a divorce, retarded stuff like BM gets to check out and pass/ fail DH's new GF, or vise versa, before he can move on with her goes on.  Or, DH and BM reach some sort of agreement that they can't introduce their kids to new partners for at least one year.  Usually one of them breaks that agreement, and why not!?  It was an assinine agreement to being with.  Who you date and for how long has nothing to do with being parents.  And, what about the people mom and dad date?  Are mom and dad informing their dates of their backhanded agreement right off the bat or not?  I'm guessing not, because no date would want to defer and have to pass mustard with someone else's -ex.  That would be already setting the stage for being sloppy seconds vs.any kind of first.  BUT, you better !@#$! agree someone will try to claim they have to do this, for the "sake of their kids."  If any divorced parents were that interested in their child's welfare as to think they have the right to intrude on each other's love life, then they both should have stayed married to begin with.

But, society likes to see DH as non-existent and SMs as second-wives clearly and solely interested in going after BM's #1 mom spot.  For most of us, nothing could be further from the truth.  We just want to be seen for and treated as what we are--our husband's wife or SO.  Of course, we want to get along with husband's children and even with his ex-, but not at the cost of giving up our marriage/ maritial rights.  AND, no one should expect this.

icanteven's picture

Yes, you are right! One thing that makes me crazy is these agreements where the kids cannot meet the new partner for so much time, or until marriage. How can that work for anybody? Why is it not important that the new stepparent learn if they like the kids before they become very committed to the relationship? I think it's important. For three years, there was a rule that my stepson could not be around me. For some of that time, I lived far away for unrelated reasons, but it continued even after my husband and I moved in together. We broke that agreement because I will not be kept out of the house that I own just because his kid is there.

It is also true that people think SM want to take BM place. I think that is garbage, but I was accused of it. Many times, my husband's ex-wife would email him, "ICANTEVEN IS NOT [STEPSON] MOTHER!! SHE NEVER WILL BE! HE ONLY HAS ONE MOTHER!" I said, "Did anyone even ask me if I want to be his mother? I do not want this." No, nobody ever asked me. My husband got mad when I said I do not want to be stepson's mother. It's like we are supposed to want this and pine away for it or something. I do not understand this.

MoominMama's picture

'people think SM want to take BM place. I think that is garbage, but I was accused of it'

Indeed, so was I, even though I couldn't have been less interested in being those brats 'mother' even in the beginning, before I thought of them as brats. I have my sons, they are the only ones that get to call me 'mother/mom/mum'. BM even tried to claim that I was trying to get SS to call me mom. That most certainly NEVER happened. He tried to, he wanted to but I told him quite clearly NO. She claimed that he called her by her first name and assumed I was getting him to call me mother.  He has a 'mother' if you can call her that (I didn't say that to him ofc). But I did tell him that only my sons can call me Mom. I will defend that until i go to the grave. They are my babies and will be the only ones. Despite being 25 and 34 still babies to me lol Yes 3 . All she was doing was showing her insecurities and assuming societies usual bad stepmother attitudes by assuming I would want to call them my kids. I was, in fact, and still am very quick to point out to anyone that SS is not my son if they try to make that mistake.

I would love to have said to BM ' look you stupid witch woman: You are deluding yourself if you think I would want them as my kids. They're an embarassment.'

icanteven's picture

I was accused of this, too! My husband's ex-wife would write email after email for years, insisting we tried to teach stepson to call me mommy. We never did this! She swears he called me that once when he was 2. I do not remember this. This child also did not develop speech early, so I don't think he said much at that age. I could not understand him until he was around 4. Maybe he did say it, I don't know, but I don't think he did. I think she made it up.

She also freaked out once when my husband posted a picture of my daughter who's a little older than stepson and stepson in a shopping cart together. She said we were trying to pass them off as brother and sister and completely erase her. My children are not even the same race as my stepson. No one would ever think I could be his mother or my kids could be his siblings. Sometimes people are curious and ask my husband and me, "How did you two end up with a child that looks like that?" I quickly answer, "He isn't mine. He looks just like his mother." If only she knew... she'd probably be pleased. I actually wish she did know. She will not speak to me, but if she would, I would tell her these things.

qtpie013178's picture

DH is a sentimental fool succumbing to guilt or pressure from his ex and family. You are pregnant, the mother of his child and more importantly, his wife. I would file for divorce, collect child support and move on. There are good men out there who will appreciate you and put you first.

 

And I read your other post regarding DH using FMLA as vacation, that’s good fodder for the divorce attorney. I would move back home to have the baby, and let him figure out how to visit, without the skids.

SteppedOut's picture

And, do it now, BEFORE the baby is born.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

If DH ever started throwing the "mother of my children" at me. My response would be divorce papers. I LOVE him. But that kind of crap and the actions your DH is doing, he's still treating her like the wife. If she's going to be treated as such, he has no business being with someone else... Neither should you have to deal with that kind of crap.

thinkthrice's picture

"mother of my children" chestnut. (TM)  I remember those days and nights of unending pandering to the Girhippo. ((shudder)).