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What to do with a gift?

rlj2007's picture

Ok so here is a little bit of background on my situation. I am living with my boyfriend who has a son from a previous relationship (not the one I have issues with) and a 9 month old daughter with his soon to be ex wife (the one I have issues with) they are getting divorced in April due to the state we live in have to be seperated for a year before able to file. I also have a 5 year old daughter from a previous marriage. Anyway, BF's 5 year old soon did a lot of his growing up around ex and her family (BF and ex were together for a total of 3 years, married for 2). So, strange as it sounds SS calls my ex "mom" even though he has a biomom that he spends time with and has a great relationship with. In any case, he spent some time with "mom" (ex), and grandma and grandpa (ex's parents) this Christmas. When he got back (they live in a different state), he brought a gift for my daughter from his "mom" (ex). Ex has done nothing but try to sabotage BF and mine relationship since day she is giving my daughter gifts? Anyway, BF is going in a few days to pick up daughter from ex and I am wondering if I should send the gift with him to deliver to her along with a note making clear that while the gift is appreciated, I wish not to receive gifts for MY daughter from her or her family. Is this the right thing to do? We are in no way friends or even friendly toward one another because of all she has done so I know this is not just a nice gesture. So do I keep the gift, toss it, or send it back with a note?


happy's picture

you send the gift back you might her the SS feelings.. SO keep it make him happy and try not to think about her money paying for it or whatever. Just pretend your BF child support bought it.. LOL..

Enuffsenuff's picture

It's just my opinion-but what harm comes from your daughter recieving a gift-if it's appropriate to the child and her age? If you send the gift back with a note you risk stirring up more trouble then it's probably worth over what I"m guessing is probably a fairly inexpensive gift. So if it really bothers you that much that she recieved this gift fromt he X I would simply throw it away.

My X has sent gifts for my Bio son who is not close to him in anyway. My X and I have two girls together and I think the main reason he has bought gifts for my Bio Son is because he didn't have a boy to buy for and just enjoyed choosing a "boy" gift and giving it.

Was your SS included in this gift buying? Did he choose the gift or suggest that his BM buy a gift for your BD? I ask this because if that is the case then I would definately allow your BD to have it--simply because it was ment to be a gift from him.

Hope that helped

rlj2007's picture

SS was involved in picking out the gift. He would not even know it was gone, nor would she if I was to just toss it. I really dislike this woman and do not want any reminders of her in my home. Other than her daughter of course...Thanks for your help!

Anonymous's picture

I would keep it and say thank you. Don't stoop down to another level out of spite. I think you will feel bad in the end(at least for your step-son).

Also, most of the time the X in my life sends stuff back from visits it's just to get a rise out of my husband. Once ignored controversial things stop appearing in the bags from the X's house.

rlj2007's picture

I will give that a try. Sometimes I need a reality check on these things. I appreciate it!

Anonymous's picture

about the gift. Just keep it but get rid of this guy, he has two kids with 2 different women? The latest child being only 9 mths old, how sad is that and apparently 9 months ago it was a good enough relationship to create this child. He's still very much married so she isn't his ex yet, but this gift is the least of your problems.

OldTimer's picture

It takes 9 months alone for a baby to 'incubate' and be born, let alone the baby being 9 months now, so in reality, that could be 18 months, that's 1 1/2 years ago that they could of split up... or not.

Reason I bring this up is because my husband and I have some what of a similar situation ourselves. We don't totally know the real dynamics of rlj2007's position, honestly to say, but from my perspective, I can see it happening... here's how.

My DH got divorced, because she wanted it. A year or so goes by (after the divorce and they separate in different ways), he finally starts dating. Now it's not to totally out of the norm for some couples to 'try' again, so maybe this is the case with rlj2007's bf. Don't know, but going back to my DH. He started finally dating, nothing too serious, because after all, he's human and trying again.

He meets a young lady, things did not work out entirely, a few months into their relationship, he discovers that he's not the only one she's been dating, let's just say. So, he leaves her. A month or so later, he meets me. We start dating, we hit it off right away, we get serious a few months later, and 6 months, we moved pretty fast, but we also were pretty happy with each other right away. We're now living with each other, things are moving on nicely for us, and that's roughly all about a total of 9 months- give or take a few months.

Meanwhile, the young lady whom he was dating, apparently, got pregnant around the same time they departed- but she didn't know who the father was. She just passed it off figuring it must be the boyfriend's that she was seeing at the same time as my DH and didn't say anything to DH. He knew nothing of this pregnancy.

Okay, at the time that BM2 had her baby, that was roughly our 9 month mark... we're happily going about our way, then 9 months later, we get a knock on the door. It's BM2 claiming that the baby who is now 9 months old, is his. We're suspicious. News to us, and mind you, that's roughly 1 1/2 yrs later into our relationship- so our relationship was already set. We of course, had DNA done, found out it was DH's child, and the course of history continues. Had I just up and left because a 9 month old child was in the picture... um, well, truthfully, I would have to add on additional 9 mths ago to that to know that that's the true time that they were together, so that's quite a lot of time.

So, while yes, rlj2007's bf may have a 9 month old, you also have to consider the time that it takes for a baby to be formed, then born- a lot can happen in that time. This baby could have been an accidental, let's try this again moment, but both soon realized that it didn't work out, sort of thing. While we would like to say- Oh that's horrible, shouldn't happen, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN.

So the question for rlj2007 is when did you first start dating bf? Was it OVER a 1 1/2 ago, or less? If less, case in point, if more, than you may have something to worry about.

rlj2007's picture

it is not so simple. The birth of his 9 month old daughter was planned while he was married. They were married and lived in a different state. After 6 months of marriage she threw him and his son (from previous relationship) out of the house. While seperated she had sexual realtionships with at least 2 men. After awhile they decided to try to fix their marriage and thought it best to move to a different state (the state where I live however, we did not know each other existed) to try and "get rid" of the past and make a fresh start. They also decided to have a child together to try and help them to become closer. When she was 6 months pregnant (still has not met me yet) he found out that she was communicating with one of the men she had slept with while seperated previously. She lied to him telling him she was not talking to anyone...though he had the proof in her email account. She was 6 months pregnant in Dec 2005. We met in March 2006 in night classes. She had his daughter April 2006. We started dating in June 2006. We basically left our spouses for each other. His daughter was 2 months old. We are both still married and are able to file for divorce 30 days apart. I admit our realtionship moved very fast. And I carry a lot of guilt for breaking up his family like if we mever met he would still be a constant in his daughters life...even if he was not necessarily happy with her mother. But yes, he DID make the decision to marry her...he DID make the decision to have a child with her. They do have a history together (they actually met when they were 14 and then met back up again later) while we have known each other less than a year. We have been living together for 6 months.

rlj2007's picture

I definitely have had issues with the fact that he left his soon to be ex and his very young daughter. I love this guy very much and feel that if the circumstances had been different (after divorce, child was a little older) I would not feel so guilty for his daughter. Thank you for the insight...makes me realize that me leaving him is not such a stupid idea.

happy mom's picture

i wouldn't return it to ss to return to his mother, just so he doesn't think you hate his mother (even though you do)... this is what i do, i'll keep the gift, give it away to charity or toss it if i don't like it. biomom since the start has made our lives very difficult too because she controls every aspect of ss scheduling. she acts all nice on the outside but she is cruel in the inside and uses people to her benefit. i can't stand her & i don't look forward to getting along w/her or trusting her. accept the gift and don't say thanks, leave it as is, whatever you do w/the gift is your choice, just don't let ss see what you are going to do. goodluck i know how you feel.

-happy mom

clynn82's picture

Keep the gift. If it's nothing you want or need or have any use for, throw it out when SS isn't around and can find it. Otherwise, it sends the wrong message to all parties involved. If you want to thank her, do so. If you don't want to go directly to her, thank the SS and I'm sure he will relay the message.