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How do you all do it???

rlj2007's picture

I have been reading all of your blogs daily for the last several weeks....this is my second blog. I just don't understand how you all manage to stay sane with the skids and the BM's. My BF and I are talking about getting married in July of this year. This would be both of our 2nd marriage. We also both have children, I have a 6 year old daughter from my previous marriage and he has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship (never married) and an 11 month old daughter from his previous marriage. My BF and I have a great relationship and I love him very much and I also knew of his "baggage" before getting involved with him. The 11 month old is easy...smiles, hugs, kisses, food.....and she is happy. My ss is a different story. It is impossible to bond with this child, well at least for me it is. His father doesn't have a bond with him. Actually, the only bond he has with anyone are his ex step mother (the 11 month olds bm) and his ex step grandparents (bm's parents). His "bond" with them is because he manipulates them and gets whatever he wants from them. We have had him for 8 months straight with only a total of 2 week break (not consecutive). This child is very "entitled" and feels as though the world owes him. He can not follow rules and has some behavior issues. BF has taught him over the years that if he whines long enough he will get what he wants. Like the most recent case....he has whined for the last 2 months straight...saying things to his dad such as "I don't want you" I want to go live with my grandma." So he whined enough that BF has bought a one way ticket to grandmas who lives in another state (this is ex step grandma...where ex step mom lives in same house as well) yanking him out of school here and putting him in school there. His BM lives on the other coast and is 9 months pregnant (she is married and ready to give birth at any moment) is not able to take him right now otherwise BF said he would be skipping "grandmas" house and sending him straight there (HIS BM is scheduled to pick him up in July). So, now that he knows he has gotten what he wants (who cares what this has taught my daughter...just whine enough and you will eventually get your way) now I get to hear everyday how much more fun grandmas house is. How much more fun his "mom" (ex step mom is) and how much better everything is there. Needless to say, his ex step mom is still BF daughter's bm, and definitely NOT the saint he makes her out to be. Meanwhile I get to hear about how wonderful this woman is while I fold ss laundry, cook his meals, fix his toys, clean up after get the picture. Everytime he even mentions her I feel my blood boil. I really despise this woman and to hear him talk about her as though she gods gift drivesme insane.....last night it got so bad that I had to lock myself in my bedroom just to get away from it. SS said to BF last night..."I get to leave cause I'm tired of you right?" And "I don't have to come back during the summer ever right?" My BF loves this child (no bond but he still loves him) and BF was really upset about these comments. He knows they hurt BF and we are not sure why he wants to hurt BF. Thing is is that I should not care what he says to me or how he feels about anything...he is out of my hair in 5 days. But, that still does not answer my question of the sd's bm (ss ex step mom) can I even consider marrying this man when SHE will be a constant in my life for the next 18+ years? I am truely considering leaving because of the mere fact that I do not want this woman to be a part of my life forever. I don't want BF to feel as though I blame the fact that he has kids as to why we can't be...and it isn't the kids fault..but I am the only one in this situation that has the choice as to who I want in my life...her not being one of those people. So my question is do you get past it? How do you get past the fact that she will forever be a part of your life?


happy's picture

Why doesn't his BM have him? Why is ex SM getting him. That all sounds retarded to me.. Its time to let this little boy know who runs the show. Your BF needs to tell him straight up and make him stay there with you all and become the parent.
Let me know about BM of him cuz that is weird..

rlj2007's picture

That it is strange. His BM is on the west coast we are on the east. She is 9 months pregnant and is unable to take him until the scheduled time in July. It was agreed that BF would keep him through the school year then she would get him back over the summer and keep him through next school year. It is really hard to co-parent when the parents are on different coasts...plane tickets ain't cheap and he can't fly by himself all that way yet. In any case we called his BM and she flat out said no she can not take him early. BF is just fed up with him I think and isn't necessarily trying to give in...just really no other choice. He has no family here to help out. So, he says this is his only option.

dawnmblack's picture

It's always nice to have other peoples views on issues. To answer your question I don't know how you get past it. My SD is 8 and seems determined to have me leave. I moved in with my bf a year ago. I have a 3yr girl and 7yr boy and they love my BF. The BM in my situation is a real nut case. She was nice for the first couple of months until she realized that I was staying, now I have an engagement ring she's really sour. Her daughter and her get each other all worked up, the SD tells her mom lies and then BM calls my bf to yell at him. When he defends me he is made to feel guilty for believing me over the SD. I would hope he'd believe me, I am the adult, after all. Honestly I think of leaving sometimes just to be done with the bs but I do not want to give them the satisfaction of winning. Horrible attitude, I know. We are seeing a counsellor and thankfully she sides with me that SD can not be allowed to destroy my things and tell lies and that she needs to have consequences. Things are looking up but it's definately an uphill battle.

rlj2007's picture

I don't mind a little hard work...but I have always chosen my own battles, not had them chosen for me. And I know now that while the 11 month old is just that 11 months (no talking etc...) I can only imagine what life will be like after she's like 2 and older. I ask myself this question this what I want for my life? The answer is no, I don't want to lose what I have with my BF but there a way in which something can make it just a tad bit easier?

Candice's picture

and you have to dumb yourself down to their level so that you just don't care, or realize that you can't save these kids' from their mothers, so you release yourself from any obligation to protect these kids from the ultimate disaster. That is how I save my sanity. It sounds horrible, it sounds selfish, but I can't give my sanity up for anyone, and while all of us here would give just about anything to give these kids' a safe home to live in, and give the best attempts to provide them the best childhoods, the courts have ultimately failed these kids by not taking father's more seriously, and have endorsed mothers' to be irresponsible users.

My experience being a stepmother hasn't been so rewarding that I enjoy it. I don't mind hard work, I don't mind a challenge, but I can't handle other's intentionally wasting my time, and using kids for money. And I can't handle other's undermining my authority with a child living in my home. So, I chalk it up to them being so ignorant, that they can't function any better, I don't go out of my way for them or ss, and I just hope and pray that one day the light bulb goes off in his head.

I just do the best I can, that is it.