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I have tried but enough is enough

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

Hi new here, bit of advice needed as to if my sd8 behaviour is normal for her age or have I got issues to address! She visits us every other weekend and stays for the duration, we have always got on on ish she is a nervous anxious child and has always been shy. Met her dad wen she was 3, so have been in her life long enough for her to be used to me and our house. I have 2 other children and a baby of 10mths. She has always clinged to her dad which at first was understandable, now however is annoying the hell out of me. He blames it on her personality that’s just the way she is, but I know she isn’t. I have seen how assertive and clever she can be with my kids, and yet she can do no wrong in his eyes. So she’s follows him everywhere can I help u Daddyyyy, daddy do u like my hair, I love u daddy a million times at the most odd time is whilst we are watching tv. It’s become more unbearable since the birth of my daughter. She is obsessed with her, she follows me everywhere when I’m doin things when carrying the baby I’m am literally falling over her trying to get things done., she wants to play with her all the time if bio kids come to play she walks away sulking and goes straight to dad and will sit holding his hand starting at them. She draws pictures all the time and I’or the other kids are never included it’s her the new baby and bio Mum and dad. Which I have addressed with dad but he says she is young and has not spoke to her about them. She paints the perfect picture of herself and is terrified of doing anything wrong in front of dad. and so constantly trying to please her dad ( but not me) needs telling how great she is always after reassurance and attention, which again was ok at first but has now developed into an annnoying attention seeking thing from her dad. It’s starting to drive me nuts and I can’t stand to be in the same room as them.. If she’s here on her own with us she will not give us any space I tell her to go find something to do she shakes her head and stands waiting for her dad even if he’s usinf the bathroom. I’m sick of creeping around her for the fear of upsetting her . But the baby issue is really creeping me out she has to share a trim with baby as the boys have the other room, and I have told her of the baby wakes I will deal with her as I’m trying to get her to sleep through the night self soothe etc, but she’s up as soon as she hears her stirring which makes baby more awake as not used to havin someone sleep in the room.I know because I have heard her on the baby mointer, I think she is prob putting her soother in, I have told her not to but she pretends to be asleep when I go in to check the baby. I’ve overheard her talking to dad how it’s good the baby has the same name as her and not her stepbrothers, and how she’s glad she’s got a sister as she will like her more than brothers . Dad is completely oblivious and to be honest does not pay her much attention so has no clue what it going on. Wenever I show affection to her dad she’s straight copying me kissing dad telling him she loves him. She pushes me and my bio sons away and it’s so hard as she wants my baby and her dad to herself!!

Stalk's picture

She sounds insecure because she doesn't see her daddy much. 4 days a month is no time. She is normal for her situation.

SugarSpice's picture

normal maybe, but appropriate no.

this needs to be nipped in the bud or you will have a monster on your hands. if sd sees her step mother as competition she will be a mini wife in no time.

this needs to stop.

Tiger7's picture

Whoa - that sounds so creepy. I met my 15 yr sd when she was 12. She'll be 16 in Dec and still acts really young for her age. When we pick her up, the first 20 mins (at least) of a car ride is her saying...oh daddy, guess what....and daddy, blah blah blah and daddy.....this that & the other. Its like she's 8. She doesn't take a breath. She's very sweet and she's smart but very immature - so much so that her behavior is extremely annoying. I just found out a few months ago, that she has Aspergers Syndrome. That explains A LOT. Maybe something else is going on with his daughter. Some of the behaviors you described reminded me of my sd. For instance, I told my SO to stop saying how pretty he thinks I am in front of her. One time, she says, "but I'm pretty too, right Daddy"? That was this year - at age 15. Things like that go on. I can't really put it into words, but she gets creepy and awkward at times.

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

Yeh I hear her talking nonstop to her dad when I’m in another room I honestly don’t know how he listens to it, but I think he switches off! I’ve read up about the mini wife scenario do you think I have some of this goin on? It’s her constant need to be near him constantly hugging trying to tickle him stroke him speak to him like a baby it knocks me sick as she is getting older! And now we have a baby together it’s become worse like she’s excluding me and wants to dress the baby feed her choose her things to play with constantly passing her soother I try and tell her to leave her get thing to develop her hand eye coordination but she takes no notice of me jus blank innocent stare !!

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

And she will always ask daddy and not me daddy is the baby hungry daddy why is she doing the etc he hasn’t no clue and just nods and watches tv but she looks at me like she’s doing it on purpose. She is a very bright girl and can do no wrong in his eyes but I feel there is other things going on. I have tried to involve her but she goes out her way to exclude me so now I have become disengaged it’s easier but I feel so anxious and physically shaking when she’s around the baby she is in her face like she is desperate for her to love her or something?

Tiger7's picture

You have to get him to engage in this. This is not normal to me. Sounds like he is just tuning her out. Do you have any close family or friends who notice this and can say something to him? For me, if any kid in my life (my own, stepkid, niece, nephew, etc) does something after I already said not to, I don't let it go. I make them repeat it: "What did I just say" and "don't do that again". Sorry you're dealing with this and a new baby. Blending families is very hard, I see. I didn't want to get involved with a man with young children but did it anyway. I'm older than him and my kids are older than his so I don't have to deal with any drama from mine. His are another story.

Evil3's picture

OMG! You're bringing back memories of my extreme mini-wife SD28. I had DH's and my DD17 when SD was almost 11. SD was always an extreme mini-wife. She did exactly what you're describing, so yes, you have a mini-wife. Don't let anyone tell you it's insecurity. My SD was the most fawned on, coddled, spoiled kid I had ever heard of. Your SD is a mini-wife and playing it up, because your DH is fostering it. It is your DH that has to handle it. Most dads don't want to out of fear of losing their precious poopsie pies. It really is soul-destroying and sickening to live with for so long and to be a distant second to a child for years on end. It only gets worse. Your SD will not grow out of it on her own. In fact, mini-wives ramp it up when they're older. Do not make the mistake of relying on her to grow older and get a bf. Mini-wives often don't get their own relationships. There's a theory that it's because they already have a bf/husband and it's their dad. My SD drove me insane. About three years ago, I finally lost my sh&t and told DH that I wanted changes and I wanted them asap or I was gone. It may come to that to get the changes you want. In the meantime, it's quite aggravating and then degrading if it goes on chronically. Do something now. Get your DH into counselling or something to wake him up sooner rather than later.

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

Yes my sister has noticed if we go anywhere with her and the boys she does not want to participate in any activities without her dad, I have tried and tried with her in engage get her hobbies etc but her dad now takes her while I take my boys and she loves that it’s like she is in competition with me and the boys with her and dad. My mum has seen it and she has said I need to put a stop to her manipulating my boys, they constantly get told off for upsetting her as dad only sees a girl that’s upset( fake tears) and boys that are carrying on playing. I try and tell her to go play and make friends but feel I have to go easy due to her anxious shy behaviour which is 100% worse in front of dad as if she’s using it as a way she can stay attached to his hip, she won’t she will not leave the baby or dads side! It’s really hard and n starting to loose my shit! I’ve jist had a argument with dh as she has been crying at home telling her biomum she feels sorry for her daddy coz I’m horrible to him!! It’s usually coz I’m so annoyed with the way he behavious when she come it’s like the red carpet is rolled out and she swans in blanking us and the boys I can’t stand it!!! Everyone has to adjust to creep around her in fear of upsetting her and we’ve done it for too long now! I feel like walking away to protect the boys and me, and like you say it will only get worse. I couldn’t imagine her ever havin friends or boyfriend of her own, I’m sure she would happily be tending to my baby with her dad forever if I let her. It’s so twisted and weird!!

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

The problem with dh is he shows her he’s upset he dramatises it as if he likes the emotional suport from her, making her feel sorry for him,he said she’s a girl girls are like that, I say no she’s a child she shouldn’t be feeling sorry for you over something so small ( ie buying the wrong things from shopping) he will sulk and say I’m true by my best and she takes it all in. She watches every conversion so easily distracted from watever she is doin, she is always in the same room and as soon as we talk she stares at us watching his reaction. Is this fuked up or what?! He is facilitating it and it causing my issues with the way I feel towards him. I love him dearly but I can’t live like this, I dread the visits physical lot shaking before she comes because I know how it’s going to drive me insane till she leaves again. Has anyone any ideas how I can make this stop? Do I speak to her more or disengage? Dh is in denial there is any problem he is hard to talk to, his says oh she’s a girl who misses her dad and while this maybe true it’s not excuse.

Acratopotes's picture

Mini wife in training and DH is allowing it, he should get some boundaries and talk to her, she's young enough to learn and old enough to know what she's doing, manipulating....

google Mini wife syndrome and get the book, your husband should read it as well

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

googling it as we speak! I tried to talk to him he said I’m twisted and tried to make me feel sorry for her being upset and crying to her Mum, trying to make me feel like it’s my fault! He shouldn’t be allowing her to be part of adult interactions she will literally stand in our bedroom and stare at us, and he doesn’t seem to notice she can be watching us for an hour silently observing is so weird! If my boys did that I would be straight away ushering them to get on with things go play out do something else, it’s nothealthy and I know it’s holding her back. But it’s the baby now which is causing me to really become affected, until baby came along I could just go do my own thing and leave them to it usually he would be on video games / watching tv and she would sit next to him holding his hand pandering to his needs if he makes a cup of tea she has one and she is 8 for gods sake! Her bio Mum shared a bed with her as she was scared at night until 6 months ago, I think maybe her emotional dependence on her daughter also crosses a line. Her bio mon does nothing to foster a normal child/parent healthy relationship. She literally had no interests until I came into the picture, I’ve encouraged dh to help her gain some independence and enjoy some age appropriate activities, but they are short lived he says she just enjoys being with adults. But it’s deeper than that it’s major insecurity I jist don’t know how to make him see or help him change

Acratopotes's picture

start closing your bedroom door and no one but no one is allowed to come into your room, only you and DH... and they have to knock if they want something.... now she can stare at a closed door for hours Wink

SugarSpice's picture

i agree. sd needs to see you and dh as a couple and that she is a child. sd is not her fathers spouse, the op is.

these are the makings of a very sick and unhealthy situation.

i know first hand of the mini wife syndrome and it is sick.

the child needs to know she is a child and not a spouse.

skatermom's picture

Yup, did that here too, worked like a CHARM. When I moved into DH's house I required it. The SDs would put their mouth on the crack of the door and moan, "Daddyyyyy" "DAAADDDDYYYY" It went on for months, now years later, they don't come into our bedroom ever.

Willow2010's picture

To me it sounds like she is a normal little girl who only sees her dad 4 days a month. Not like your kids who see him MUCH more. I wonder how you would feel if you only saw your kids a few days a month. Would you shoo them off all the time?

How about just stepping back a LITTLE when she is around. She just wants to see her dad and that is understandable considering she sees him so little. Grip your teeth through 4 days a month and PRAY that nothing happens to her mom or you will get this child full time.

And yes...make your bedroom off limits to EVERYONE but you and DH.

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

I understand that but he does go to her house and have a meal with her and bio Mum one evening through the week also, which I think is problematic now as she is confused. As I’ve said she wirites and draws abit her Mum dad and my baby like it’s a family unit. Dad does not even identify this as a problem. We also look after her every school break for the duration 1-2 weeks. Which is difficult as dh at work and I have to a new baby and tripping over her as she will not engage in any activities the boys do. We take her on holidays and she comes to any family events when it’s not our weekend she is included as much as possible. It is worrying me that some of the traits I have read about she has so the thought of it continuing and gettin worse as she gets older scares me. I cannot put on a show for her arrival we should all be treated equally. Which we are not because I have boys dh is much harder on them there is no effort his part until she arrives and then . We’ve got to play happy family’s

Acratopotes's picture

oh hell NO!!!

how can you allow your husband/SO/fiance to go to BM's house for dinner like they are still a happy family? Just no.. it has to stop, when will SD get it her parents are not married anymore? DH needs to understand it as well.. they are not married anymore, he married you.... no more dinners and holidays with BM just for the sake of the child, why did they divorce then?

Peanut575's picture

Dinner at BM's house every week?? No chance!! There are some serious boundary issues here, if your DH doesn't see the problem this might not be the right relationship for you. Take it from so many posters here with adult SK's, especially SD's it seems - it doesn't EVER get better.

The only way a 'family' dinner is appropriate, is if you are included and WANT to go. You are the wife. Doing things that crosses understandable boundaries 'for the kids' is not ok. He is not helping his kid, he's making it so much worse for her. 8 isn't *that* young either.

skatermom's picture

If my DH even stepped foot into his EX's house, he would have divorce papers waiting for him

SugarSpice's picture

my dh only said a few words to his ex at skids wedding. anything more than that would spell trouble for him.

he needs to never forget this tramp left him for another man and took his children far away from him, jerking him around on visitation and sucking in the child support.

she needs no more than a few polite words.

Simpleton21's picture

Ugh, sounds a lot like the SD in my life and she is now 10. I will tell you it hasn't changed at all in the 4 years I have been with SO...except for the worst. I tried to tell SO about mini wife syndrome and he came back with "sounds like a bunch of jealous stepmoms". The only thing that will change her behavior is your SO and it sounds like he is in denial like mine. Then if you bring anything up you are "picking on her" - at least that is what I got. I completely understand the weird staring. Mine SD does that all the time and can self entertain but never does, always up daddy's butt, he can't even go to the bathroom without her wondering where he is. It causes me anxiety as well. I start getting irritated at work when I know it is our night to have her and thinking of ways I can take me and my boys away and not deal with her. I also have a DS with SO and she has been all over him since he was born and still is. He is 3 now but when she comes over she is constantly wanting to pick him up and try to get him to do tricks so everyone will watch which I believe goes back to her constant attention seeking and if she can't get it on her own she tries to get it by using my toddler. It drives me CRAZY!!! One day she was talking to my son and said, "Momma, says NO" referring to herself as being his momma...I said "um, you aren't his mother" - not that I'm worried my toddler will think she is but because I thought it was pretty freaking weird for her to say that....of course daddy came to her defense and couldn't see how I found that weird! Good luck! I say disengage. That is what I have been doing. BM also just encourages all the madness and SD plays BM and daddy like a fiddle!

Willow2010's picture

I understand that but he does go to her house and have a meal with her and bio Mum one evening through the week
WTF!? You have got to be kidding! You have way more problems than a mini wife here hun. You have a man that is still playing house with his ex. Sorry.

blueskies4me's picture

Tell her to scram when she is annoying you. My skid used to follow me around when I was with MY baby and it drove me nuts. Eight is way past old enough to show some intiative and independence.

I'm jealous your skid is hardly in your house, you're so lucky!

no1saiditwudbesohard's picture

Thanku for all your replies. I am going to set some ground rules, ie no access to my bedroom, set times with the baby then scram,no more happy family meals at ex’s house her needs to get over the guilt, he left her being the breadwinner he has guilt issues that need putting away. They are not his responsibility at mums that’s her life to get on with not his problem. Dad is to be equally shared no more running to get the seat next to him /on him. No more exclusive holding hands everywhere as a family that is my dh. No comparing his ‘girls ‘ we are not on equal levels. Evening times not sitting on the couch either side I will not share that is our time., no more imitating me she also does things with baby that she wouldn’t even know, she copies Mum and baby songs that I have made up when I’m not in the room over hear her freaks me out. No more whispering baby talk silly nonsense crying dh needs to take a step back and not be there to baby her. No more sharing adult conversations they take place in another room and no more helping dad with adult jobs she is not an adult and does not need to have to emotional involvement in adult responsibilities. Or think she is on an adult level. So many complex twisted things that have got to be addressed or I’m gone. I told him this all last night and he said he will do anything not to loose me, so we will see! This weekend
She is here so let’s see what happens. I feel liberated that he knows now, and If he can’t handle it then it isn’t going to work and wasn’t the man I fell in love with

skatermom's picture

She sounds exactly like my SD12. Everything you described above is spot on, hope it's working out

jollybean's picture

‘girls’ ! i’m shocked as I’ve just learnt that I’m letting this go without a thought. I’m putting a stop to this the next time he tries this stupidity with me.

SugarSpice's picture

i recalled years ago when i foolishly married dh. all of the skids were small children ages 4 through 6. one of the daughters learned of the wedding and suggested i marry the ex of bm and daddy remarry bm. (bm decided to cheat on the father while he was overseas in the military, and she cheated with a married man on top of this. homewrecker!)