vacation with or without SS
I'm sure this has been brought up many times but I have planned a disney vacation with just DH, our DDs (5 and 1) and me. It is during the school year and SS12 lives with his mom fulltime. He comes to visit for 2 weeks in the summer and 1 week at Christmas and we go to his city to visit a couple times during the year. He lives 8 hours away. After I planned everything DH mentions that SS should go too. I didn't really say much about it at first, so he got it that I didn't want SS to go. There are a few reasons for this.
1. we went already with SS a couple years ago and right up to the last minute, BM wasn't sure if SS could go. We were very willing to go pick him up on our way there but BM was very uncooperative and it was very stressful to plan the trip not knowing if he was going.
2. There is a big age gap between SS and our girls that makes going to a theme park not easy. I know this happens in nuclear families too but whenever SS goes anywhere, it becomes all about SS. We budget for vacations and try to be cautious of how we spend out money while on vacation. SS on the other hand wants this and that and to eat at expensive places, etc. That's just not how our family is, but it is how his BM is.
3. It seems like everytime he sees us, its a vacation. To me, a family vacation is about enjoying being together and having fun and it's a reward for us. It just seems like SS is just part of all the rewards of being in our family but isn't a part of the daily grind...I don't know if this makes sense...
Anyway, DH knows how I feel and agrees this time, it will just be us and SS will be a part of our next trip somewhere.
I wouldn't worry too much
I wouldn't worry too much about it if he doesn't live with you. You should be able to enjoy a vacation with your husband and kids without taking SS along considering it's not his visitation time.
My husband and I have never taken SD on a vacation and we have her full-time! We send her to BM's when we go away, which has been 3-4 times so far in the past 3 years or so. It's never been a big deal to us.
Thanks! I'm always worried
Thanks! I'm always worried that DH will feel guilty not being able to bring SS along to everything. But it's just so much added stress to bring him.
I have some experience with
I have some experience with this although the dynamics aren't exactly the same.
Every year DH and I fly off to In-Law State without the skids for Christmas. Before me, he would take THEM there for Christmas or rather the week after Christmas.
BM ALWAYS wanted the kids on Christmas. Since she otherwise shows little interest in them, DH was willing to support this. It really is heartbreaking to see kids who never have any adventures with their Mom. (I think she wants them only so she won't be alone on Christmas but hey it works)
The first year we were married all four of us went up for the week after Christmas. SDthen13 behaved so atrociously DH's entire family rose up and "confronted" him about it and defended me. My new bil even told him, "Your new wife may be wondering if she made a big mistake, I would be."
The next year he decided not to bring them. I made sure it was HIS decision. A year or 2 later he said, "I'm buying tix, making plans, I think you'd be happier if we went just us two again." I lost my mind, "BRING HER. I am NOT going to be the one to keep that child from her family! Bring her--I INSIST."
He immediately backed down and admitted, "It's me-I don't want to bring her. She embarasses me in front of my family."
We have a WONDERFUL time on this yearly vacation. I have yet to hear the in-laws say, "We sure miss seeing SD." Everything goes great. And DH could not blame me.
In your situation I would try to make sure that responsibility stayed on your DH, too. Tell him deadline for tix or whatever is XYZ. If the kid isn't a solid yes on that date, too bad so sad. That way it's dh's reaponsibility to wrangle BM. As for the age difference, that's valid. Maybe offer to your dh that you would support him taking ss and a same age friend on a mini-vacation on another date, such as a weekend fishing trip or something. That's the kind of thing toddlers won't enjoy but 12 year old boys would. Something like that. Just make sure you are not seen "depriving" the boy of anything but looking after his interests.
gotcha! Thanks, we will be
gotcha!
Thanks, we will be going on a few camping weekends throughout the summer so SS would be joining us on those when hes visiting this summer.
We're leaving on Saturday for
We're leaving on Saturday for a Disney vacation, and skids are not invited/coming.
They live primarily with BM, with 3 1/2 days EOWE at our house, and BM *will not* "allow" extra time, so logistically we can't make it work, unless we vacation only in the summer, which we don't want to do. So they don't get to go with us.
Our first skidless trip was challenging for DH. He felt guilty. But he realized that he gets to have a life without the skids, and that they have a life without him. He had to learn to be OK with not having them with us, because it's next to impossible to make it happen.
BM in our case would be very
BM in our case would be very wishy washy as so whether or not SS can go. She cannot and will not give a firm yes or no for some reason. So basically in a trip where we had to pay for park tickets or plane tickets in advance, we cannot count on him going. If we go on a road trip where the total head count at the hotel doesn't matter, then sure, he can come...
For the record this is the first skidless vacation for DH. Although there was only 1 other trip that SS did come with us on. Before that, it was always just DH and I before our DD was born
Functionally, wishy washy is
Functionally, wishy washy is just as hard to deal with as a straight up no.
Be prepared that your DH may get overwhelmed with guilt on your trip. For DH, he was cranky the whole time. He held his poop together on the days that were set up for his interests and for DD's interests, but on "my day," he was straight up nasty. We literally had to have a Come to Jesus meeting at the American restaurant in Epcot about it. But to be honest, that was a turning point in our relationship, in some ways. It put him on notice that I wasn't going to spend my/our life waiting for his kids to grace us with their presence, which needed to be clear.
duplicate.
duplicate.
I can relate to absolutely
I can relate to absolutely everything in this post. My 2 SSs (now 21 & 23) were 6 & 8 when my oldest DS was born. We always wanted to go to Disney, but 1) we could never afford it when SSs were young with the exorbitant CS that DH paid; and 2) we'd been to smaller amusement parks & water parks in the past where DH skipped off to have fun with the SSs while I was stuck wandering alone with a baby/toddler & I didn't want to do it at Disney, even if we could have afforded it. DH was typical guilty dad & didn't want us to take ANY vacations without SSs. And in the meantime, of course, BM took SSs to Disney a couple times (in addition to a couple trips each to Europe & many, many other stateside vacations) all financed in part with DH's huge CS. We would take SSs on beach trips when we could afford it. Finally, when SSs were teens & could hardly be bothered to return calls or texts, and one of the SSs said he "probably" would come, DH insisted I book a beach house that was large enough for SSs to come. We spent thousands extra on a 5 BR beach house rental when we otherwise would have needed a 2 or 3 BR, and you guessed it, neither came. Fortunately, after that, I put my foot down & told DH we would never plan a vacation around them again, & for several years, it was just us & our boys.
Funny ending to this is that SS21 is still totally self-absorbed but SS23 now is married with 2 littles & wants to spend time with us. For the past few years, we've been taking their family on vacation with us, and we just booked a trip to Disney for the 8 of us this summer! My youngest is 9 and we knew it was time to take him. SS23's daughters, ages 2 & 4, will be going. I think that's a little young, but that will be up to their parents to deal with, as I'm going to enjoy the parks with my DSs, now 15 & 9!
Funny because skids think
Funny because skids think they should be able to go on vacations with us but I pointed out they never invite us when they go on vacation with their mom and her SO and his children. Such a double standard in blended families sometimes.
I was thinking the same
I was thinking the same thing! If you can't take vacation time without your kid then the kid shouldn't use his school holidays without the parent, either. You would end up with the kids and bm and bd always vacationing together to keep it "fair!"
It's ridiculous to me. You just cannot freeze life while the skid is not there. If skid goes to Europe or Legoland or whatever with BM is it such a tragedy that he misses Disneyland with Dad? Most kids do not get two fabulous vacations a year. It is up to the non-vacationing parent to see to it s/he makes good memories with the child under reasonable circumstances. And for heaven's sake do not deprive younger children in the name of "fairness." Did dad's younger kids get to go with half-brother to ski or whatever when he went with BM? Life just is not "fair." You can define fairness a million different ways.
Another thing is that when SO
Another thing is that when SO and I go on vacation it is just the two of us since the only children in the equation are his children so his children but they still seem to think they should be able to join us on our adult vacations when there isn't even any other kids with us.
I don’t think the age of the
I don’t think the age of the kids matters. Just because they won’t remember it does not mean they wont’ have a good time. And some parents actually like hanging out with their kids at that age. I know I did.
I usually think ALL kids should be invited on family vacations. (this is also the reason I never took a family vacation with DH…I would not put myself in that situation)
I do however understand the OPs reasons. 1) the BM is crazy. 2) the girls are 1 and 5. The boy is 12. I could only imagine how that would turn out. OP would hang with the girls and DH would hang with the boy. Not fun for OP at all.
I say if DH is ok with it then go for it. But make sure it is not rubbed in SSs face. And be prepared…SS will be very angry when he finds out.
We don't talk at all about
We don't talk at all about the vacation when SS is around. He is barely around as it is. But no, I wouldn't rub that in his face. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. He does go on trips with BM and whoever her new guy is that time. Also at BM's house, he's the only child.
My So and I talk about taking
My So and I talk about taking a vacation someday! Disneyland most certainly, before the SD10 gets too old, I think. Many times we talk about taking a rented motor home around the country, and once he suggested taking SD10 with us, but I said, um no, because she would miss her mom, and get upset...
}:)
more than a week would not be much fun. I don't think.
I went to visit my
I went to visit my grandparents who lived in Hawaii one summer, and found out my parents took my brother to Disneyland without me.
At first I couldn't believe they would go and do that without me! (I was probably 16 or so) My parents said, hey, you were in Hawaii, your brother needed a vacation too. He's 5 years younger than me so we must have been an age where we couldn't be trusted alone together getting to Hawaii, plus we fought a lot lol.
I survived. My nuclear family did things apart.
I can already see your Dland trip now.... DH taking SS on all the adult rides, and you are stuck in a constant loop on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride... you know, in the hell part.
Back when we still had some
Back when we still had some sort of visits from my ss, we went on a camping trip that our ss couldn't come to because his mother was being really unclear if he could come.
We got fed up and went away without him. When we got back, four windows in our house were smashed and there was soil from our garden thrown inside the living room. I always suspected my ss because very few people knew we were going away. I never told my husband that I thought it was his son though. It really put a damper on the whole experience. My ss also used that trip against us for a long time.
My advice would be to not tell your ss and his mother about it. That's what we ended up doing even when ss stopped visiting us.
We took our boys to Disney
We took our boys to Disney when they were 4 and 6. A few years later, they have absolutely no recollection of that trip. And they were too short to,go on the best rides. Save the money till later.
I would say that DH is having
I would say that DH is having a guilty dad moment.
No reason for you to feel bad about it. You have younger than school age kids and can go during the non peak Disney season. SS is school age and not available.
I would tell this to DH just as it is and let him know that you would like a vacation with he and your daughters. They will be school age soon enough and this opportunity won't come along forever.
Enjoy.
Disney is not just about the
Disney is not just about the kids! I loved taking mine when they were toddlers, to see their faces light up gave us such joy. Having said that, we live in Florida so can go often. The question is not about the merits of taking little ones to Disney, it's about taking the SS also. I feel that as a blended family it was important to take all the kids on vacation and include them. Yep, I had to get used to the skids acting up at times and all the other nuances of having steps on vacation but surely a good Dad wants to take all his kids on the trip? Teens are a pain in the ass but that doesn't mean you leave them at home to feel excluded.