Can't Compete With the Princess
Woke up this morning to DH furiously texting his daughter (26). Her car has issues again so he'd planned on picking her up & bringing her back to our house before the three of us visit his mom an hour away. Okay, great. Then the plan evolves into a "daddy-daughter" day. They're going shopping together so no I don't need to come. He'll pick up anything we need for dinner I'm making tomorrow. Okay, I wanted to go to the grocery store but I guess that's not an option any longer. He tells me to make a list of what's needed. I do that & already know what the day is going to be like.
He's in the shower & out like a flash & gone for several hours. They return with groceries & other things they bought. They're going to decorate the house tonight for Christmas with what the bought because most of our Christmas decor is in storage since we just moved in recently & are in the middle of renovating. I was ready to go to his mom's house but very quiet because when they're together I feel like I'm intruding. I want to add that I love my SD. We're pretty close & her BM is a nut that's been a minor player in her life. She calls me mom & I love to be that to her but when she gets around her dad they both act like different people. He bends over backwards to do whatever she wants, she's never wrong about anything. They'll tell each other "I love you" constantly & he tells her how beautiful she is A LOT. She hangs on his every word & tells him what a wonderful dad he is repeatedly & sticks to him like glue. If he gets himself something to eat or drink, he will ask her if she wants something or just bring it to her & ignores me.
To make matters worse he tends to pick at me when she's here. Surprisingly he also does it when my adult sons come to visit. It's the playful mean "just kidding" that doesn't feel like kidding. So over the years I just shut down & don't say a lot when she's around. Her & I together are great, we talk & get along very well but as soon as he's in the mix it might as well just be the two of them.
So I say I'm not feeling well because I don't think I can handle an hour car ride each way with feeling like I should be in the back seat so SD can be next to her dad. As soon as I say it SD tells me to just stay home, DH seconds it & off they go. I'm left feeling like crap & wondering if this is all just me, am I just jealous or do I have a right to feel hurt that they'd rather be together without me instead of all of us together.
I have adult children too so I understand having one on one time is important & I've always encouraged him to do things with her which he does do on occasion. I would actually prefer to do things with her separately because it's more fun for me that way. It's just gotten to the point that when they're together I feel like there's no room for me to be involved. I've tried to talk to him about it in the past but he becomes defensive & denies it. I don't want to resent my SD but that's what ends up happening. She still owes us a thousand dollars on a car she bought from us for $1200 two years ago. If it wasn't for me bringing it up she wouldn't have paid a dime back. Is disengagement my only option. Why does he act like he has no brain when it comes to his kids?
Is SD's name Ivanka?
Is SD's name Ivanka?
I know this feeling. I have
I know this feeling. I have my own "circus" i am dealing with. But here's something that might help . My parents are still married after almost 40 yrs. I dont have a step parent. So i cannot relate to any of this step parenting stuff . I am here to learn and figure out some issues im going through. I can say ,i have always been independent. I moved out when i was 18 (im 33 now). I have never borrowed money or asked for help from my dad. I bought my house when i was 29, every now and then my dad will come and mow my lawn without me asking, or if something breaks in the house, i tell him and without asking, hes there in a minute. Sadly my "spouse" tells me im a spoiled brat and "daddy" does what ever i need. Thats not the case at all, He grew up in a broken home and doesnt understand that this is what family does. I think my point is this, you can tell alot about a man who does and cares so much for his daughter. That is how he will treat you in the longrun. HOWEVER , i dont think she should be treated like a princess bc she wants that or thinks she deserves it. I can tell you love her. And that is amazing! I know talking to him about it can be scary and that is rude that he treats you different when shes around, and i totally understand you wanting to isolate yourself. But ive been doing that with my spouse and its brought me here, crying and giving up. I think this is just a personality thing. You said he does this when your kids are around too? Maybe its a "nervous" thing when the kids are there? It comes out as "jokes" and picking to show he cares about you. I know i use jokes and defense mechanisms around other people bc of anxiety. Sounds crazy but i hope this helps..
I put up with this crap for
I put up with this crap for years (my fault). When I had enough, had a major melt down, sent DH packing to SD's house, via Law Enforcement; it really got ugly from there.
Set boundaries now and don't let yourself be disrespected.
Stay here and have a talk with SD, while the two of you are together, without DH. Then have a talk with DH and tell him to knock it off.
Now that I set boundaries and stick to them, we are doing well. Water under the bridge is bad news; but it is what it is and I make the rules, in my house, now.
Not my problem, it is theirs now. The only way you will win is to make up your rules as you go. Daughter/Father will always be there, as it should be. But you are his wife and he should treat you with the upmost respect. It's not a joke.
Sammi and Heavenlike are spot
Sammi and Heavenlike are spot on.... I quickly realized it was not my SD's that were the issue, rather the"different" transformed husband who showed up when they were around. This man was sick and not a person whom I would have married. And, I never met his alter ego until at least a year AFTER we married! For me, and disengaging was a last resort; but the liklihood of this man changing, even after talking- was about zero percent; so I have effectively disengaged and this Christmas was so much better; no more smart ass remarks directed at me by them while he stands their in his zombie pose, speechless. In my case he said nothing, did nothing, and responded with nothing regardless of how rude or crude the remarks are by these grown women.
I am much more at peace in my life now; and my family of posters here affirmed what I already knew I had to do to regain control of my life again.
By now, you realize you are not alone at all....
If husband will try
If husband will try counseling, that might be a good thing for the two of you. Putting you down in front of his daughter is a major power move. Doesn't matter how nice he is to you when it's just the two of you. When a man is under stress, that's when you see what kind of person he really is.
And I'm sorry to say it sounds like he's putting his adult daughter above you. When these people have to pick at you or tear you down, that just means they really are beneath you.
I hope you make this man own his behavior. It's unacceptable. Bullies, when they are called out, always say it was just a joke. It's not.