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Living with skids again. Advice please. (Long)

marie01's picture

I'm writing another post on here because this is the only place I can come to on how I'm truly feeling because if I ever told my husband or anyone else I would probably look like an evil SM. If you read my previous post which is very long, then you know my background but here'a a quick recap. My husband has 3 kids, SD 11, SS 9, & SD 3. I have no kids & we use to all live together but then things didn't go as planned & we haven't lived together for awhile now. I just visit now or take them out.

As I mentioned before, I always had problems with SS. Even though I love DH dearly & he never threw his kids on me, I was the one who insisted to help.. but after dealing with major disrespect from SS in my own apt., & dealing with a miscarriage with my first pregnancy at the time, I did start to get sick of watching all of them 24/7. Even though now I understand why SS acted out a lot, I still didn't want to be around them anymore. I was just tired of all of them. I thought maybe a bigger place would fix things, talking with them or taking them out & trying to bond. But it really didn't. I started to feel more like a nanny then a SM. Which even now I still do. This isn't why we don't live together anymore. We attempted to go house hunting & things didn't work out but now we have everything finally ready because we've been wanting our home for a long time. We're going to look at some houses tomorrow with our realtor. But now the excitement is really dead & I feel like I won't enjoy living in my own first home.

I thought this break & being with my family for a little would change how I feel towards them or my perspective but it barely did. To be honest, I've been holding off on purchasing a house with DH because I went to go get my CNA license last month & wanted to save more money for a safety net. I want to go to college & DH wants me to pursue it, but I just get so annoyed being around his kids & I know its horrible but it was never like that in the beginning & now I wish those feelings would go away. I really don't enjoy being around them no matter how hard I try. I dread going to see them when DH picks me up or when I have to get him sometimes because then I have to.

I never had to buy anything but food & some days milk/pampers for the baby when DH was working. My only source of income while I lived with DH & his kids was renting my car for taxi. I had just bought my first car nothing fancy, a new honda accord but buying it was so miserable. We obviously brought all the kids to the dealership & everyone kept asking them if I was their mom & the relationship was rather new so it was awkward. Finally after 3 hours I got it & when we got in, younger SD didn't want to sit in her babyseat & would not stop crying/screaming the whole ride. The kids were already eating in the car & I was secretly livid inside but I didn't want to complain. Buying my own car was a big deal to me & I wanted to have a good experience. That's how I feel like with this home tomorrow & it's just gonna suck. I'm a little happy but I'm not looking that forward to it. DH is an amazing dad/husband despite things he has been through. I never had to pay for anything for the kids since he spoils them anyway. I just do sometimes cause I feel like its the right thing.

So far for Christmas I got younger SD a pink truck she can go in & leapfrog. I'll get the kids something tomorrow. When we live together again I don't want to spend my money on anything else but food/necessities. I wish we could be a happy family but I don't know. I just don't want to look back in 5 years & regret blowing all my money on the kids & not saving anything. Especially if SS is giving me issues. Older SD isn't bad we use to get along great but I just feel like the kids just want so many things from me, material wise & that's it. Overall they are very behaved, well-mannered kids but when their dad was gone it was crazy in the house & I didn't always want to discipline them or then SS would give me much more difficulty.

I don't want my own kids anytime soon because I want a good education/career & a better bond with skids before I bring a child into this world. When I was pregnant I was so paranoid about how my baby would be treated or if I would get accused for treating my own better.

I'm worried it's going to be the same behavior in the house like it was in the apt. I don't want to hear, "this is my house" from his son when he's being smart. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy my place or any privacy. I don't want things destroyed, can't even decorate the house how I want it. I don't want to be a maid. I don't want to seem mean when I'm setting boundaries, if not wanting the kids to hangout in our room is mean since that's where I want my computer/flatscreen & really comfy bed. I don't want them to sleep in my bed. They have their tablets/phones & TV in living room & eventually their dad will put a TV in their rooms. Oldest SD older told me that SS doesn't want me to live with them but I feel like they're the ones coming to live with me. I didn't know how to respond to that. If you read my previous post, you know how he can be. I can't stop thinking of ways to avoid being home & I didn't even get it yet.

Really hoping that this isn't a mistake. What should I do? Because the way I'm dreading this isn't normal.

Thank you for reading.


Acratopotes's picture

do not live together again, keep living apart, till the day your husband understands, you are not the mother and not the nanny, if he's not there his kids are not there.....

unless he sits his kids down and tell them... She's in charge, you will respect her and listen to her and he must proof to them he will back you up,
till that day happens you do not move in with him again

marie01's picture

He does tell them I'm in charge & to listen. He does back me up but then SS wants to rebel even more & starts to hate me more. We started therapy for him once a week but I don't know what else to do. I barely want to be around him because that's how tired I am of him. I'll try to talk to him -again.

Acratopotes's picture

No Hon, you do nothing, not your child and not your problem, tell DH straight out, he has to get it through his son's rebel skull to respect you, you will not move back unless this happened.

Then simply disengage and treat the brat like he treats you, ignore him flat out if he's rude and pretend he's not there.

but do not move back in untill DH sorted his children out, currently he allows them to get away disrespecting you, yes he talks to them but what child ever listened to a talking, none.. it's time for DH to enforce the rule and be a parent

Indigo's picture

Don't do it at this time. Just, don't.

You're young, starting off & already your plate is full. Keep living separately for a bit while you work on your goals and date your DH. You love him, but since you've married it seems quite rocky. Warning: It will NOT get any better than it is right now. Your concerns are absolutely valid. You have the right for all those "firsts" and white carpeting and a clean new car and wandering naked in your new home and whatever else you wish ... Give yourself some time now, on the front end of things, to consider how you wish to live for the next 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.

Give yourself permission to change your mind at any time.

marie01's picture

I'm nervous to tell him, I think he will still move away regardless to down south even though it was my dream. But now I might just stay here to go to school & work. I know I'm young & I want to do a lot in this life. I do think about the 'what ifs' very much.

marie01's picture

Omg I never realized, or maybe I didn't want to believe it but I think that is completely true about me having kids. I don't know why DH would bring it up first though. After I lost my baby I told him I don't want to hear him talk about us having kids anymore or mentioning it. When he does sometimes I get upset.

Now I never want to have kids with him & I accidentally mentioned it to him & he told himself that I was just speaking out of anger. But I really don't want my first by him anymore. I don't know what to do with this marriage if I don't even want a baby by him anymore because I'm so angry.

Thank you for this. I didn't want to open my eyes but this made me do it now I just have tell him. I know he might know how I do feel about his kids. But when he asked if I didn't like them because he had a feeling, I said thats not true because I didn't want to believe the person I became. I dont want to deal with anymore regrets if we continue to buy a house & truthfully it's not something I want to invest in at a young age. I could invest it into schooling.

I have a feeling divorce is whats going to happen & it will not go smoothly. I think his reaction at first will be complete denial. This is going to be hard.

thinkthrice's picture

3 very young skids with DH is an ETERNITY. Take it from me. My SO "Chef" had 3 and the CS alone is killer.

Go with your gut!! Your instinct is telling you that living with him is a big fat mistake. Humans are the only animals who ignore their their own detriment!

You have mentioned some HUGE red flags. "He spoils them anyways." "being livid as DH lets his kids eat in your brand new car." Are you afraid to address issues about the skids to him? Another huge red flag.

I used to think Chef was a fantastic father. Look a little harder and you just might see he is "parenting by guilt."

oneoffour's picture

When you marry someone you take them one with all their baggage. Whether that baggage consists of children, not so good health, bad credit, total inability to operate a vacuum cleaner or dishwasher, a mean drunk ..... I could go on and on. When we marry these guys or girls that is what we take on. Unfortunately I get the impression you want your husband without his kids. Life without them is so much better but they are part of DHs luggage that are not going anywhere.

Of course you are entitled to your own home with your own decorations and your own clean car (actually him allowing his kids to eat in your new car is a huge red flag to me and displays his level of respect for you) and your own life. I just do not see these two worlds ever melding. OF course the kids could 'go away' in some form or another however it would change your DH forever. You will never get the man you want without his kids.

Another problem you have is telling your DH what annoys you and laying down boundaries. "OK, my car my rules. NO ONE is to eat in my new car. So we are all clear on this NO ONE CAN EAT IN MY NEW CAR." Did you say this? If not how on earth could DH know you didn't want his kids eating in your car? If you do not speak up and be brave and accept how things turn out then you sadly only have yourself to blame for the continued situation.

Time to pull your big girl pants up, face your DH and tell him how you really feel. You want to have a separate world from his kids. Then the issue is you live with the consequences and fall out. You resent and dislike his children so much I don't see much future for your marriage. Just as you are entitled to a life the way you want to live so is your DH entitled to a life the way he wants to live. Which involves someone who is willing to deal with his children.

marie01's picture

His kids made him the man he is today if not for them he wouldn't be the same -thats what I tell myself when I picture life without them. I told him about how I got upset when they opened food in the car. I hate complaining to him because I can tell I'm stressing him out way more so I just keep it inside some of the time. He literally told me the next day that everyone was going to end up eating in the car one day anyway which was true & that the baby needed to stop crying on the way home, so he gave them food.
I can only see myself being miserable in the future, I don't know how it got to this. He does need to find someone better.

oneoffour's picture

NO! He does NOT need to find someone better. He needs to find someone who will be happy with his life and the baggage that comes with it. He needs someone about his own age with a couple of children. Not you. You need your own single man without kids. Neither of you is 'better' than the other. You are both at different stages in your lives.

DaizyDuke's picture

I went and read your other blog and I'm really at a loss as to why your SS9 is acting the way he is?? You say you have been in his life since he was 6 or 7? I have a 7 year old boy. I can not imagine him saying the things your SS says or doing the things your SS does. I mean to mean this is learned behavior in a child that age.. but WHERE is he learning it from??

Has the kid been in therapy? I get that he may have some very deep seated issues, that's a horrible age to have your mother pass suddenly (well any age is) but has it been addressed? I'm not trying to bash here, because obviously this is nothing that you did, but I really feel like your husband has a lot of blame here in that it might not have been in his children's best interest for him to move on so quickly.. to be remarried less than 2 years after their mother passed? I guess there is no timeline for these things, but it seems a bit much to put 3 small children through all of that. (again, not saying YOU are a bad person, or YOU did anything wrong)

I think you have a bigger problem than moving into a house... I mean you already jumped right over top of that decision when you got married. For better or worse right? If you want this house thing to work, you AND your DH are going to have to lay down strict ground rules with skids from day 1. No jumping on our bed, no using our bathroom, clean up your mess etc. Trust me on this one, this is NOT something you want to have to backtrack and do AFTER the fact because things have come to a head. But will your DH be on board with this?

marie01's picture

I met him when he was 7 but the behavior came out when he was 8. Oldest SD said SS always had these feelings from the moment he met me & didn't like me even though he was nice & always asked for things. I noticed the behavior came out when I stopped buying him things because of a tight budget & when I asked him to start listening.

I told him no one can take his mothers place. Everyone says he got his smart mouth & attitude from her but she use to hit him when he would act this way with her. He's in therapy. Their dad did move on rather quick & everything changed so fast but to be fair their marriage fell apart years before I met him. BM's side of the family confirmed this.

To be completely honest, I dont think SS is a good kid. Everyone says hes always been like this from a young age including his moms side of the family. I dont want to blame but its definitely both his parents fault. On his moms side of the family, they baby all the men & teach the girls how to do chores from a young age & basically cater. I don't like the double standards. His mom babied him a lot which is why he doesnt like me. His dad also kind of spoils him which is why he is already so materialistic already. DH doesnt get him everything he wants but when he needs something such as shoes then he'll get the most expensive ones which is spoiling to me but thats his kid. He does the same for the girls but older SD isnt like him at all. Because her mom taught her differently.

He said something horrible one day & after that I realized I dont want to be near the kid. He was asking me if I have a lot of money. I didnt answer. Then he told me that if his dad died he would want his mom to marry someone really rich so he could have whatever he wants & live in a mansion. I don't think SS will ever change if hes already like this especially before we met.