SS aka the Lump is back!
I haven't posted in a long time because we were blissfully kid free for the last year and a half. That all ended last week when Lump came back to lump it up at our house again.
The background is this:
DH & I have been together for about 10 years. I have 3 sons 22, 24 & 27. He has Lump 23 & daughter 22. We've known each other for 18 years so the kids have all grown up togther as friends even before DH & I married. Of the 10 years we have been togther, we lived in separate homes for 5 of them due to Lumps violent temper & drug addiction issues. When he was 16 he flipped out on me in the car one day & smacked me around. I left w/my boys (before they did some smacking on Lump)& stayed married faithfully to DH & he to me until he got most of Lumps issues under control. Lump also has depression & anxiety issues & a lot of opinions about everything.
Four years ago I alone moved back in with DH & sk's. Lump was a lot better, not violent just not motivated to do much except read books or be on computer. 2 years later we moved 40 minutes away. SD came but Lump didn't. He moved into internet GF's apt an hour away (yay!)
Lump & GF have had a stormy relationship (big surprise huh!). She has BS 8 that lives w/her. She has MS & is disabled & on many meds. Her parents have come to hate Lump, say he's lazy & a druggy (she's on many meds). In 2 1/2 years he has worked maybe one month & he quit that job.
The last few months Lump talks about moving in with us to find a job. Where he lives w/GF is all farms & not many jobs. This scares me to death!!!! DH begs me to allow Lump back temporarily until he finds a job, car, life. DH has loaned Lump lots of money & bought him a car while he lived w/GF which is now broken & an hour away. DH says he won't allow Lump to come between us & he just wants to help his son. I say okay but I am terrified.
Lump has been here 9 days. He smokes outside but now my spare room reeks of cig smoke. He's put in maybe 3-4 applications for jobs. He is depressed & wants to go back to GF. He reads, watches TV but not much else. I work out of our home & so does DH so I get a lot of Lump every day. How long do I wait before I talk to DH about this mess? What do we do about this man-child that DH has made excuses for & enabled to become such a huge LUMP? He has no where else to go other than back to GF & that may not be an option any longer.
Please let me know if you have a spare room available!! }:)
Lump needs to go back to
Lump needs to go back to where he came from. He it's causing stress and unhappiness. You don't really need any more reason than that.
What timeframe did you give
What timeframe did you give DH and Lump to get this all accomplished and back out of your home?
Your first mistake was saying
Your first mistake was saying YES. Your DH is enabling this man-child to be a LUMP. He will NOT ever change unless he is FORCED to.
Why can't LUMP live on his own like a normal adult? My son is 22 (23 in July) and has been living on his own (with very minimal financial assistance once in a while from me) since he was 18!
I was just having a related
I was just having a related conversation with my dad. His wife's daughter (age 35) is having major marital issues. She has a 5 year old who is a brat (no rules or boundaries). Well, guess who is hinting about moving in with my dad and his wife? My dad is absolutely against this, but I think it is going to lead to a a huge fight between him and the wife. I told him to stay strong, but his wife dotes on her daughter. It is sick.
And of course, I still have 2 of 3 adult skids wanting to move in with us. This will never happen, ever. It is non-negotiable.
I went through a terrible time when my ex and I divorced, but I did not expect to live with my parents, nor did I ask for or take money. Some nights, I barely ate. I made it. I am so sick of these adults who cannot take care of themselves and EXPECT their parents to allow them to move back home/support them.
I know that things happen, and sometimes, people move back home or need help. But, the people I know who have done that are working/HELPING themselves. They are not lying around, refusing to work, playing on the computer all day, etc. etc. If I had ever moved back home, there is no way my ass would have been plopped on the couch all day. That is what my dad's wife's daughter does, and so do the skids. It would be a nightmare to live with these people.
I have a rule that I insisted
I have a rule that I insisted my DH agree to before I would consent to marry him. NO ADULT CHILDREN will live with us. But then as I owned the house I called the shots on this, and I was pretty firm. No way in a second marriage was I going to put up with some adult sk crashing on my couch, making a mess, not cleaning up and expecting me to be maid, cook, laundress etc. PERIOD. At that time my DH's adult son did live with him, and yes, before we married he did ask if the man could live with us. I quenced that right off. The son had a fit, hated me for a bit, ran back to live with his bio mom in another state, and eventually came around. Now I get along quite well with him, and he respects my boundries. In fact, he even calls me Mom SDC, which he didn't do at first.
As he matured he saw and understood that his father and I were starting on a new life "adventure" together and having other adults around was not in the script. In fact, he even called me one day, took me out to lunch and apologized for his bad behavior back then! That was years back.
Thanks for all the great
Thanks for all the great replies! Lump has left the building! I stopped back by the house Friday afternoon on my way to an appt (I'm a realtor) & Lump was packing his stuff in our van!! I was overjoyed!! He & GF miss each other & are going to give it another go!
DH was sad because he said he was just taking him back to a bad situation. I told DH that evening that Lump does this "hermitting behavior" where ever he lives; with us when he was younger & for the last 2 1/2 yrs with GF. Nothing is different! His reply was, I know he needs help!
Well Lord knows DH has spent thousands in psych counceling, meds, rehab etc. Lump has to want to change his ways & at almost 24 it's not DH's problem. I know this is not truly over, at any time Lump could resurface to spoil my happiness & I don't know for sure what I will do if that happenes. It's hard to turn down helping family even when it's well deserved. I do care for this kid inspite of all he has put us through but how much is enough?
It's time to say no. No more
It's time to say no. No more lump living with YOU. Tell DH that at 24, lump has other friends, family, social services available and you will not live with him again. You have the right to choose whom you will live with. You just have to develope a spine (set boundaries)!