You are here

Bio father won't stand up to his ex

STEP--MOM--1's picture

Where do I even start, to give a bit of background my husband and I have been married for two years. We have one daughter and he has one 7 year old some with his ex. We have my step son two-three nights a week and every other weekend. It actually usually works out that we have him at our house more than he is at his mothers. We pay full child support and split medical bills as well as bday parties, etc. I could go on and on about finances but won't. The reason for my post is to ask your opinion and see if others have this issue. I am around my step son just as much if not more than his mother and father. The other day the school called and told me that he fell in PE and busted his head open and they couldn't get his dad to answer the phone (he didn't have service where he was working that day). Of course I went to get him and ran him to the clinic. The cut wasn't bad. They glued it and back to school we went. I told Step son to call his mom on the way back to school to tell her what happened. Long story short somehow I am in the wrong she calls fussing bc I took him to the clinic. She is the one that put me down on his sign out sheet. My husband will never say anything to her when she calls and disrespects me. Also with his switching back and fourth so much she ended up with a bunch of his clothes from our house and she never returns them which leaves us buying more clothes. He never says anything to her. I'm just at my wits end. I'm tired of a) loving her son and taking care of him as if he were my own only to be disrespected. Dirol tired of struggling financially only to give her everything when we support him daily anyway. C) I'm tired of my husband not standing up to her. Can someone please give me advice if you have been in this situation. Please.

momjeans's picture

It's not for everyone, but my advice would be to disengage.

That's what I did, because your situation sounds eerily similar to how mine was in the beginning. The not returning clothes, school uniforms in our case, down to the flipping-out on us for doing the most logical of things. You will most likely never be respected. It's the nature of the beast.

As the saying goes, there's nothing like having 100% responsibility and 0% authority.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

It's hard to think of disengaging from his life. I love my step son as if he were my own. Truly he is 7 now and I came into his life 4 years ago. We are close. He loved me to and we have a great relationship. It is so hard to think about but it may be the only choice. But what do you do. His other works out of town and we have him 3 nights a week. My husband works late during the summer and I am the one picking up from school and doing home work?

HappilySelfish679's picture

SKIDS school called me once because SS 12 had some issue with a bleeding nose. Not sure how they got my number. I said " WHO are you calling about ? Oh him -- yeah.. not my kid. Please call his mother or father " click !

Try it. It works. They never called again.

As to finances, hopefully you have your own job, your own incoming, your own retirement account and your own savings account. I would suggest you separate your finances immediately, have maybe one joint checking account for shared expenses, the rest is yours, same for your husband. Any " extras " for a child that is not your own can then be paid from your husbands own account. You should not struggle financially because of a child that is not yours.

Last - disengage. Google it, make up your mind, follow through.

Disneyfan's picture

Why didn't you call mom after the school called you, when you got to the school, on the way to the clinic....???? You went through all of those steps then had the 7 year old call after everything was over with. Of course mom was livid. I would be also.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

The mother and I are not on good terms. She is disrespectful to me about everything. She has told me not to contact her and me the same to her. We were gone from the school for less than an hour. I failed to mention all the while I was missing my daughters first valentine day party so I was trying to hurry too. Anyway the mother works out of town I spoke to his father about what to do. Not my place to call her before but out of respect I do feel that she needed to know what happened. Guess I should just not have called at all. Would have been a better outcome for me. What would she have done being out of town?

twoviewpoints's picture

If Dad was working that day where he didn't have phone service, how did you call him "about what to do" if the school couldn't?

Just curious. Are there other numbers the school should have in case there's a next incident?

Disneyfan's picture


BM can't be all that bad since she's the one who included your name on the pick up list. Most of the crazy moms posted about here would never do that. As a matter of fact, they remove the SMs name if dad dares to add it to the pick up list.

A simple call to let mom know what was going on would have been fine. Her being out of town is just an excuse since your had the kid call her when everything was done. You could have had him call while you were heading to the clinic.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

Wow??? She was probably having a good day when she did that. I'm sure I'm removed now.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

The mother and I are not on good terms. She is disrespectful to me about everything. She has told me not to contact her and me the same to her. We were gone from the school for less than an hour. I failed to mention all the while I was missing my daughters first valentine day party so I was trying to hurry too. Anyway the mother works out of town I spoke to his father about what to do. Not my place to call her before but out of respect I do feel that she needed to know what happened. Guess I should just not have called at all. Would have been a better outcome for me. What would she have done being out of town?

hereiam's picture

Why did the school not call BM? Had it been me, I would have told them to call her or I'd have called her myself, to avoid any nastiness later, like you got for taking him to the clinic.

Your DH may not stand up to your ex, but you can stand up for yourself. Remove yourself from any responsibility regarding your SS.

When my SD was young, I did not exist. Neither schools nor teachers (nor anybody else in SD's life), had me on any "call in case of emergency" list.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

The school probably didn't call her bc her son probably told
Them not to. He probably told them that she was out of town which she was?

hereiam's picture

Then she has no right to bitch about you taking him to the clinic, what were you supposed to do?

Out of town or not, the school still could have called her, she is his mom.

I guess let your husband inform BM about things from now on.

Sounds like anything you would have done would have been wrong (to BM).

STEP--MOM--1's picture

Thank you. I agree school should have called but I honestly did what I thought was right at the time and certainly don't think I deserved to be disrespected by her ( or others on this forum for that matter).

Disneyfan's picture

What school takes orders from a 7 year old???? I would have called both parents. Even after speaking to SM, I would have called mom and dad.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

I know they called his dad and he didn't answer. They may have called her and she didn't answer. I don't know the reason she didn't talk to them. I feel like it's be be uses the son probably told them she wouldn't be in town anyway but they could have called her too.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

BM is first and dad is second I guess I'm third. I know that called my husband but I'm not sure if they tried to call bm or not. I figure the child told them not to bc she is never in town and wouldn't be able to come get him. If I had thought it a big deal I would have called first but it honestly was a little scratch above his eye that the clinic glued together. Figured it best to call her after we knew what the were goin to do. Thought she may be grateful that I stepped in when her and dad weren't available but nope. Just mad bc I took care of him. There truly is no winning with her.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

So to be clear you are saying to hold off on treating. Hold and call her. You have to remember we were gone from the school for 35-45 minutes total. It wasn't like we were sitting in waiting room just waiting around. Lol. Yall are acting as if there was a ton of time to call.

Disneyfan's picture

There was tons of time to call. You could have called both parents when you got the call. You could have had the kid call while you drove to clinic, while you were checking him, while you were waiting to be called, while you were waiting for a doctor to to come into the exam room....

There were plenty of opportunities for you or the kid to call mom. You made the choice not to have the kid call her until you were on your way back to the school.

AlreadyGone's picture

You could have let the little $hit sit there and bleed to death but, you'd likely get blamed for that too! }:) No offense but, in all likelihood, you're the devil either way in this scenario. You did what any 'normal' person would have done, so stop beating yourself up for being a good SM. You don't have to argue your point to anyone here or anywhere. Some people can't see the forest for the tree's and probably never will. It happened.... move on. Next time don't get involved and you won't be requiring hostile feedback for doing what polite society would call 'the right thing' in a perfect world. I mean really, ask yourself this..... what if they couldn't get hold of either BP or internal family member? If a school nurse had stepped in, would she be treated with so much crap? Doubtful. Live and learn.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

Ok. I guess you are allowed to have your own opinion but seems to me you may be as selfish as she is. Not once has anyone even thought to say that I did something right by taking him. The school is less than 3 miles from the clinic it was all happening pretty fast and we were back within 35-45 minutes. Anyway no one yet has even answered the quartile I am asking so I suppose this forum isn't for me.

twoviewpoints's picture

You asked for opinions. You're getting them. That's the way a public forum works when you come on and ask for their opinions.

So actually opinions wasn't what you wanted at all? Did you just want any and all members to say 'you were correct' and add what a wonderful SMOTY you are and Mom should be ashamed of herself for not falling at your feet and showing undying gratitude?

Glassslipper's picture

I would have taken skids to urgent care if it's "our day" and the school called me cuz they couldn't reach DH.
I ALSO wouldn't be upset if they called my kids step mom rather than me on "his day" and she took them.
When my kids need to stay home sick from school on my exH day, they stay with their SM.
IF MY KIDS SM took them to urgent care because they couldn't reach my exH, I would email her and say THANK YOU!
Is your BM possessive over her kid????
In my opinion given the bad terms your on, DH should have called her after work himself rather than the child from your phone.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

THANK YOU! It was "our day" and the school sees me dropping him off that morning like most mornings. I was only doing what I thought was right and certainly didn't think I deserved to be disrespected by her for it.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

Ok. I don't agree but you are entitled to your own opinion. Please don't say I would be pissed bc you do not know what I would be. If they had been sitting at clinic waiting and had time to call maybe a different story but the fact that the school is 3 miles from the clinic and there was no sitting in waiting room etc. means that there wasn't much time to call also if you knew anything about schools they call for everything. He wasn't bleeding that bad. OH and the school called me guys. I did what I thought was best as fast as I could. Lol. Quick to judge on this post. Wondering if any of you are step moms or all bm that want to judge.

Disneyfan's picture

I know plenty about about schools. I've been a teacher for 24 years. There's no way in hell I would have allowed a 7 year to tell me who to contact. I would have gone down the list until I reached someone. Even after speaking with SM, grandma, aunt.....I would still call or Dojo the parents.

I'm #4 on my nieces and nephews pick up list. Just last fall I was called to pick up Kid3 because the school couldn't reach my sister, BIL or my mom. On the way to the school I called both my sister and BIL tomlet them know what was going on. Both calls took less than 3 minutes.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

I fully disagree with you. When mom and dad decided to divorce their parenting changed and in our house we run it as one family. Meaning if dad can't be here I will and do act as step mom who does home work etc. I am there for my daughter 100% and maybe more by showing her that her brother is just as important. Anyway I feel sorry for step children who are not treated this way by step parents ?? Seems crazy to me to think that you wouldn't as a step mom do home work with your step son.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

Thanks for the feedback. It wasn't that I didn't want to call her. Even though we don't get along I would never not tell her intentionally about him being hurt. I really didn't think it was a big deal to call after and we had little to no time to call as the school and clinic are less than 3 miles and we didn't wait at the clinic. Very small town.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

I'm done commenting on this post. The question was not answered at all. The question was about constantly being disrespected and my husband not standing up to his ex. Was hoping for more out of this forum.

Disneyfan's picture

It's possible your husband feels you are purposely pushing BMs buttons. If you tend to poke the bear, then that makes it difficult for husband to stand up for you.

Peridwen's picture

I have a little personal experience to share with you, just as a point as to WHY the BM might have felt it WAS a big deal, even though you didn't:

My brother clunked heads with another boy playing soccer. Split his forehead open along his browline. Similar for the other boy. Both kids were taken to the same hospital. ER Dr suggested a little glue and butterfly bandages would solve the problem. Other kid's parents agreed and they went home very quickly. My parents requested a consult from a plastic surgeon because they were worried about the potential scarring. Plastic surgeon suggested stitches rather than the glue and butterflies. My brother's scar is barely noticeable. But when we saw the other boy the next year, his scar was pretty darn visible. If my parents had listened to the ER Dr, he'd also have a big scar. Was it necessary to call a plastic surgeon? Nope. Did it triple the amount of time they were at the hospital? Yep. But they felt that minimizing the appearance of the scar was important due to his young age.

If BM was out of town, she has no idea how big or little the injury was. She heard taken out of school to urgent care for a busted head. That sets off every worrywart alarm in most moms. If there is someone they trust with the child, it's easier to accept that their child is ok.

Also, you said we all missed the main point of the story - that your husband won't defend you when she disrespects you. What examples did you provide in the post of disrespect? Clothes not being returned - very common among divorced families and NOT a slight against YOU personally. That she "fussed" at you for taking her child to the clinic without calling her first - normal reaction for most parents, not disrespect. That she doesn't like you or want you to call her - how many girlfriends/wives of your exes do you hang around with? These are perfectly normal reactions that are not "disrespect" aimed at you specifically. If she is calling and "disrespecting" you and you want it to stop, tell the ladies here what is actually happening.

If you want help getting your husband to stand up for you when you are disrespected, give details surrounding the actual disrespect. Disrespect is a wide term that can cover a multitude of sins. And those "sins" might need different reactions on the part of your DH.

ETA : for what it's worth, I've picked up kids from school when sick or injured and I've never called BM. DH will call and tell her if it's an injury where they need a dr, not me. But he calls and lets her know while on the way to the clinic so she can attend if she chooses. She never has, but she will take the kid for a second opinion to try and make DH look bad. Every time.

The impossible Girl's picture

I had pretty much the exact same situation with the bio mom. My husband allowed her to do whatever she wanted he pretty much compares her to a spoiled child who does not get her way and throws a fit. DH is a very laid back chill person and he will just let her do or say whatever bc it does not bother him but it bothered me. She wouldn't return clothes and got mad if we didn't return hers, didnt follow the custody agreement but then got angry if he didnt, and on and on with many contadictions. In the beginning I tried to be super stepmom and told him I would deal with the everyday stuff with bm and he could just focus on the big stuff, well that was a huge mistake bc she became very angry that I would have the audacity to text her about clothes, and pick up schedules at all. Even though I was the one picking her up and I was the one who wanted to know wbout the clothing. Anyway, long story short, what I found works now, is I just have my DH text her and ask that her daughter bring back the yellow shirt or the pink sweater etc. and I mark her clothes with a "D" on the inside collar or tag. Its easier now that my SD is 13. she can keep track of the clothes herself a little better, but I used to have my hubby text her and ask for these items. she is more responsive to him than me. Also when it came to other issues, I have my husband send me copies of emails or text that envolve me, so if she is asking about visitation, that concerns me bc I am usually the one watching SD or I may need to change my schedule so my husband runs it past me before responding.
This does not work for everyone, most disengage but I found that very difficult bc our finances are very much reliant on each other and we help each other so if he is broke bc he had to buy her new uniform shirts and shoes (which has been the case) than now I have to pick up the slack and help with groceries more. It directly affects me so I dont understand not getting involved.
As far as her getting her way regardless of what u suggest, I would tell you the same advice my father gave me. He said that whatever their relationship was like before I married him, they are likely to continue that. It is hard to deal with fo rme but I have come to realize that I can not make him stand up to her, when I try to, it back fires bc it is obvious that it is not really how he is and she will get much worse and throw fits and tantrums and get his daughter to misbehave at our house and be her mouth piece. There are certain areas that I have insisted he not let her disrespect him or I and since then she has changed and realizes she cant be that way anymore, but on most issues, as long as she is not too rude and she is not disrespectful, then she gets her way. I hate it bc she is a spoiled brat but its easier than fighting her on the issue. To her credit, she has become fairly resonable ever since he put his foot down (a little) and let her know what is acceptable and what he will not stand for. of course this took a custody battle and a lot of back and forth before she finally gave up trying to control everything.

Secondwiferoyalty's picture

Taking care of the kid during an urgent situation was absolutely the right thing to do in my opine! The school is responsible for going down the call list and BM should have been thanking you! I would have praised my ex's wife and deeply thanked her. Heaven forbid the child have people to care for him should the bio parents be un-reachable. You did the right thing, bio mom is in the wrong for being angry with you. I would make my position clear "If in the future there is a medical emergency with skid at school and you do not wish me to make sure skid receives nessessary medical care, please immediately have me removed from the contact list at school, please and thank you." Let her be responsible for the outcome if she is unable to answer her phone. If Sm is not deliberately trying to undermine the parental authority of Bm, then all care and nurturing given to skid should be welcomed and appreciated. Thing about it, would you rather have someone willing to love and care for your child in his/her life or a hateful wench? I am always greatful to my kids Sm, their dad could have chose some hag, but he chose someone who wants to love my children. Best thing he has ever done for my kids.

Secondwiferoyalty's picture

This woman is obviously trying to figure out her place and do the right thing. Being a Sm doesn't come with a defined position or set of rules, you people pecking her to death aren't helping. If Bm wants things a certain way, it's her job to cultivate a respectful relationship with Sm and make sure lines of communication are open. I have respectful and friendly relationships with both my skis Bm and my Bio kids Sm. I know everyones intentions and I have made my position clear on the care I provide and expect provided to my children. You have more power if you're on the inside. Woman up ladies, you're sharing your parental responsibities with other women now, you can fight or you can be friendly and gain respect. It's often better and easier to co-parent with the other women than it is with their idiot father anyway. Had Bm thank Sm and requested an immediate call in the future, how different would this situation have been? Let's put are pride aside and be logical women and mothers.

kjpack28's picture

I think the school should have called her. Regardless of your name being on the sheet, I'm sure hers was too? I don't have BM phone number and she doesn't have mine. We are civil and don't have any problems so I see it is a different situation, but I wonder if not having each other's numbers to coordinate care is partly the reason for that. Maybe consider changing your number and having the main communication be between dh and bm. It could save you a lot of stress and responsibility that should fall on the parents. Obviously, in this situation you were the right person to handle it being the only one available. But have dh or the school inform the mother.

misSTEP's picture

When you are a SM, no matter how much the dad says you are a parent, you are not a bio. Being a SM brings this motto: No good deed goes unpunish

iluvcheese's picture

I'm new here and posting on a very old thread, but in case you're still reading, I think BM is blowing this way out of proportion. BM likely was already called by the school nurse. They go down the list, so BM was called. BM knew what was going on to some extent already and BM couldn't be there. I think a call after, saying this is what happened, was perfectly reasonable as she likely already got a call before from the school, this she knew what was going on. Perhaps a call saying, I have him may have been polite, but BM could've called the school nurse back if she was worried and then she would've known you picked him up. The whole thing didn't result in a disaster, the kid was cared for, stitches or glue aren't the end of the world or a serious emergency, everyone did know what was going on if the school did their job. If the school didn't contact everyone in the proper order, that's not your fault, that's on the school and BM should have a talk with the school. I'd text BM and say "if you'd be more comfortable with my calling you before I act, I am more than willing to do so (if that's true), what would you prefer me to do, how would you prefer me to handle the next incident". I agree with the other poster about how this may be a territorial issue. If she doesn't want you caring for these things, then your name needs to be taken off the list. If no one can get to the kid, they are lucky you are willing to do it. Some SMs would simply say no to such involvement, whether it be to avoid this drama or because they simply don't want to be bothered. BM should thank you for your assistance and be a mature adult and express what she'd like you to do differently in the future, because the past can't be changed.