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Too much Chit Chat

charlieshome's picture

My husband has been having almost daily 2hour text conversations with his son's mother for about 2 weeks. It seems really excessive to me. Their son is only 2 and lives 5 hours away, so I completely understand that he has to communicate with her in order to know what is going on with his son. However, despite how much friendly chit chat they have, she does not actually allow my husband to spend any additional time beyond the one weekend per month that was court ordered. She only allows him to do one Skype chat per week. Anytime he ask to spend more time with him, it turns into an argument. But in the conversations she talks about how much their son needs him in his life. My husband is a teacher and has numerous weeklong breaks through out the year, she still will not let him have additional time during these breaks.

In the past, their conversation has progressed from friendly chitchat about their child to full on, "what kind of panties are you going to wear when I see you next time". When she found out that his motivation for pretending to want to rekindle their relationship was so he could see his son more, she refused to communicate with him at all for months. She has repeatedly made it known that she wants him to divorce me so they can raise their child together and is no where close to being over their relationship ending. Even though the conversation, right now, is strictly chit chat about what their son is doing at even given moment and pictures and videos of him, it bothers me. I feel very disrespected. I would love for her to send pictures and videos daily, but I don't see why they need to have conversations about how much he loves bacon or which one of their personalities he has or repeatedly over stating how their genes created such a cute little boy.

I feel like she's using their son as a pawn to get attention from my husband. And it pisses me off that he gives it to her. When she gets in her feelings or he reminds her that he is happily married, she refuses to send any pictures or communicate with him at all. As long as he gives her attention, she'll send pictures and videos daily, but she doesn't involve him in any decision making or let him actually be involved in their son's life. If they had an actual co-parenting relationship, I would be okay with more conversation, but at the moment, its just her and him chitchatting for hours about their son and in my opinion it doesn't benefit their son at all. Am I overreacting by expecting that he keeps conversation with her to a minimum, at least until she stops holding their son hostage.

charlieshome's picture

No. He isn't or rather he hasn't yet... lol. He was trying to spend a holiday weekend with his son. He flirted with her to get her to drive here, rather than us drive there. I read both ends of the whole text message convo. However, once she got here, he took his son out to play at the park and left her in the hotel room alone... she was not happy about that because she definitely had other intentions. I read both ends of the whole text message conversation. I chewed him out for playing with her emotions. He called her and explained that it was a last ditch effort to see his son and she refused to speak to him for months after.

notsobad's picture

Yes, the son is a pawn.
No, it isn't co-parenting.
No, you are not overreacting.

You know he's still emotionally involved with his ex, or he wouldn't put up with it.
It's time for him to stop talking to her or for you to bow out so that they can be together again. Sorry, it's going to hurt, a lot.

BethAnne's picture

If he isn't happy with parenting time he needs to go back to court. Why did he get so little in the first place?

If you aren't happy with his conversations than you need to tell him to knock it off. If he won't then you get to decide if you want to stay and put up with it or move on.

charlieshome's picture

He's already drawn up the papers to modify the custody now that his son is a little bit older. The judge did that originally because the child was so young and hadn't spent much time with my husband and we live 5 hours away.

ScrewUboozilla's picture

Wow. Just wow.

Yes you should be pissed.

A leopard doesn't change his spots, and you better believe he will tell you anything you want to hear to get what he wants.

He needs to take it back to court for more time. 1 weekend a month? That's 90/10 custody she has? WHY?

At a minimum he should have 40.. Now if he gets the kid 2 months in the summer and a week at Xmas to make up for it being 5 hours away, that's a different story. If she refuses and its court ordered he can have her held in contempt.

He needs to stand up to her and say tough. We are divorced. It is what it is. I would love to be more involved but you want let me. Document every time he asks for more time and she says no. Hell I don't care if my ex takes the kids on my weekend for an event. Great! Spend some time with your sons! I only worry he would add up days and say he is getting more than the 60/40 and his CS should be adjusted. That is how he rolls.

You need to be firm with what you will or will not tolerate. This won't end. She will continue to play games. And chances are it will ramp up if she knows you are pissed about it. The games we women play and the men have NO CLUE .. Specially the woman left behind. Even if they don't want him, hey let's make it real hard on him and his new wife. Muwhahahah.

recon10's picture

From a male perspective, he's absolutely cheating on you. If not physically with her, then he is mentally doing it. You think when he asked her that even as a joke or to gain his son, that he wasn't envisioning her fresh shaved and ready to go? think. I know its hard. but put reverse the situation and think of your ex asking you that and you telling him what you are wearing. how would your husband feel? would he trust you? would he think you are cheating? would he get upset?

charlieshome's picture

It wasn't so much that I was believing his words after being caught. But I read the entire text message stream from beginning to end, plus what she wrote to him after she got in town and he took their son to the park and he left her in the hotel. Also, she begged him to come back and stay the night and he made her meet him in the hotel lobby to child swap and then hightailed it home to me. All this via text... and I cross referenced the dates and times with the times listed on the verizon website and he hadn't deleted any. The next day, I was there for the phone call in which he admitted to her his motivation for all the extra flirtiness. He refuses to go visit his son for the weekend without me and has turned down all of her suggestions that they spend time together if he wants to see his son more.

We did go through the courts... because their son is so young, and hasn't spent much time with my husband, the judge only granted him one weekend per month until he's older. He's already had the documents filed to request a custody modification, ... I think he just likes getting pictures and videos on a daily basis.

I know it sounds like I'm defending him... i'm not. I cursed him out to the high heavens for that mess. He was absolutely in the wrong. No way around it. But I do understand his motivation. I just wish he'd see that too much communication with her is counter productive... and disrespectful.