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Am I overreacting

charlieshome's picture

I really need a male's perspective on this...

My husband has been having almost daily 2hour text conversations with his son's mother for about 2 weeks. It seems really excessive to me. Their son is only 2 and lives out of state, so I completely understand that he has to communicate with her in order to know what is going on with his son. However, despite how much friendly chit chat they have, she does not actually allow my husband to spend any additional time beyond the one weekend per month that was court ordered. She only allows him to do one Skype chat per week. Anytime he ask to spend more time with him, it turns into an argument. But in the conversations she talks about how much their son needs him in his life. My husband is a teacher and has numerous weeklong breaks through out the year, she still will not let him have additional time during these breaks.

In the past, their conversation has progressed from friendly chitchat about their child to full on, "what kind of panties are you going to wear when I see you next time". She has repeatedly made it known that she wants him to divorce me so they can raise their child together and is no where close to being over their relationship ending. Even though the conversation, right now, is strictly chit chat about what their son is doing at even given moment and pictures and videos of him, it bothers me. I feel very disrespected. I would love for her to send pictures and videos daily, but I don't see why they need to have conversations about how much he loves bacon or which one of their personalities he has or repeatedly over stating how their genes created such a cute little boy.

I feel like she's using their son as a pawn to get attention from my husband. And it pisses me off that he gives it to her. If they had an actual co-parenting relationship, I would be okay with more conversation, but at the moment, its just her and him chitchatting for hours about their son and in my opinion it doesn't benefit their son at all. Am I overreacting by expecting that he keeps conversation with her to a minimum, at least until she stops holding their son hostage.

notsobad's picture

Why do you need a mans perspective? He's still emotionally attached to this woman and you know it.

I'm sorry and I know it's painful but it's him you need to talk to, not another man.

Ninji's picture

"what kind of panties are you going to wear when I see you next time"

If I had EVER heard this coming out of SO's mouth to any woman ESPECIALLY BM...I would be typing this from prison.

hereiam's picture

Yeah, so unless your DH wears panties, HE was the one asking HER about panties. Unacceptable and not something someone asks an ex, or anybody really, unless there is something sexual going on or it's desired.

charlieshome's picture

Ok, so if we take the "what kind of panties are your wearing" convo out of it, what would the advice be? I read the entire text message communication and it was definitely just him trying to spend more time with his son. He wanted her to drive to our town over a holiday weekend instead of us making the usually trek out there.Once she got here, he was pretty honest about his intentions and motivations and she refused to talk to him for months. I chewed him out for playing with her emotions and he hasn't done it since then. I do not in any way believe that he actually wants to be with her. She's not a "good person" as he puts it. I do know that he really feels some type of way about not being an active part of his son's life...

Disneyfan's picture

Please tell me you didn't fall that. He got caught and did/said what he needed to to shift the blame from him to BM.

There isn't anything stopping him from going back to court to get more time with his kid.

IF he didn't want to chit chat with mom, he wouldn't. He does it because he enjoys doing so.

Disneyfan's picture

They still have feelings for one another. You can TRY to force him to respect you and your marriage, but that won't change how he feels about BM.

BM isn't using the kid to get attention from your husband. Since he's asking about her undies, she knows damn well how he feels about her.

She's talking about the kid. He's asking about her panties. But you're pissed with BM :? :? :? :?

Snowflake's picture

You know that he is not saying that crap because he is not trying to manipulate her, he is trying to sleep with her. But he got caught by you, his wife.

And she may not be a good person, but she had something he wanted that he slept with her to create that child. And it may have just been sex, and that is all it may ever be for him with her, hence the panty comment.

I have two bios with my dh, who I spend most of the day with. I couldn't talk about our two kids for two hours if I tried. They are kids, not much interesting stuff happening in their lives. And when they were two it was mainly them playing and pooping all the time.

It seems to me that the only people who ever talk about how kids look is divorced parents. Mine and dh's kids look just like my dh, because he is their dad. We don't sit and dwell on on how they got this from me and this from them. They are also their own little people.

I would set up the boundary that all conversations take place in front of you. If he doesn't like it then he has something to hide. I will only talk to my ex if my dh is in the room.

And no you are not overreacting, in fact I think you may are being overly nice about the situation.

VicLee's picture

You already got great advice so I will just say keep us posted. We're here for you if u have to make difficult decisions that will benefit you long term. He's got to choose. And if he doesn't choose you then he deserves whatever happens next. There's plenty if good guys around that wouldn't have two- hour ex texts.

charlieshome's picture

It wasn't so much that I was believing his words after being caught. But I read the entire text message stream from beginning to end, plus what she wrote to him after she got in town and he took their son to the park and he left her in the hotel. Also, she begged him to come back and stay the night and he made her meet him in the hotel lobby to child swap and then hightailed it home to me. All this via text... and I cross referenced the dates and times with the times listed on the verizon website and he hadn't deleted any. The next day, I was there for the phone call in which he admitted to her his motivation for all the extra flirtiness. He refuses to go visit his son for the weekend without me and has turned down all of her suggestions that they spend time together if he wants to see his son more.

We did go through the courts... because their son is so young, and hasn't spent much time with my husband, the judge only granted him one weekend per month until he's older. He's already had the documents filed to request a custody modification, ... I think he just likes getting pictures and videos on a daily basis.

I know it sounds like I'm defending him... i'm not. I cursed him out to the high heavens for that mess. He was absolutely in the wrong. No way around it. But I do understand his motivation. I just wish he'd see that too much communication with her is counter productive... and disrespectful.