Peony, I suggest continuing this discussion in the biochild free zone. I say this as a biofree SM myself. You may find more understanding there. In your previous post you had mentioned that he basically gave the boot to the last SM for not warming up to his kid. This sounds like he's repeating that MO. He has an unrealistic view of how step-parent/step-child bonding works. I also recommend reading Stepmonster, there is research that shows that biologically/scientifically this bonding is difficult. All I can say from my own experience is that if my DH were basically giving me an out, right now I'd be tempted to take it. I'm not even angry, I still love him, but I believe that I would be happier. I have decided to continue working hard on our marriage and he has put in efforts to do the same. That's where we are right now. But if he were to show the same lack of compassion, lack of willingness to try as your DH, I would take leave and fast. This is not black and white, feelings need to be worked through and negotiated. He is not showing willingness to negotiate with you and help you work through your feelings. He has decided that, as tommar states: "the 2 are connected". It's not as simple as that. Connection does not mean causation, there are other factors to consider. You are doing the right thing by communicating to him, you are doing the right thing by seeking counseling. I truly hope he softens a little and gives you some time and understanding, but it doesn't appear that he is willing to take anything other than: "You will love my kid and submit to step-parenthood without any doubts." Has he even giving you a clear definition of what he sees as the step-parent role? What is he expecting? That last question is not rhetorical, nor sarcastic. Has he spelled out for you his expectations? Take a deep breath, I wish you well.

What is the hard part for you being a SM? I'm genuinely curious.

I've been around this step crap over a decade. What I've learned is it is not so much a skid issue as it is a DH/SO issue with parenting their kid(s) and lack of communication between the SM and DH/SO.

But maybe that's not the case with you?

No one ever promised that marriage is easy, blended family or not. It's a commitment that takes work and sometimes someone else's feelings don't make sense or they hurt. He is basically demonstrating that when the going gets tough he throws in the towel. He is in no way acknowledging her willingness to see her part in it and work on it with her. It is not her who is giving up because it's hard. She's recognizing that she is having difficult feelings, that she may have been wrong in not openly discussing it before and that she may need help to discover what she wants. From what I can gather, he has shown that at the least bit of discomfort, he cowers. For all of the complaining I do about my DH, he is at least willing to work on things (it's his follow-through that lacks). Talk is cheap, and the OP's DH can't seem to even spare a dime of it.

"one night about a year ago when we were hanging out with another couple, the husband (not my DH, but the husband of the other couple) asked how I felt about the my role as a stepmom. I burst into tears as I answered his question, telling them it was truthfully a pretty difficult situation for me. My DH just sat there quietly and listened. After we left our friends' house, he never brought up the issue again."

Do you think this is okay? For you to burst into tears and open up about marital troubles for the first time in front of two of your friends? If I were DH, I'd be mortified, both because my dirty laundry was being aired in response to a small talk question and because you'd have never said a peep to me.

As an adult in a marriage, you cannot continue to not communicate properly. You mention just before this that you'd been telling DH you had no one to talk to, which I take as a passive-aggressive hint that you wanted him to read your mind and ask you to open up to him. You sabotaged yourself with that one.

Here, practice: "DH, do you have a minute to talk? I've got a few things that are on my mind, and I'm not so much looking for solutions as I am your understanding. I just need a little support right now. Okay?" Win/win. He gets to be your hero for listening to you (and knowing ahead of time you don't want him to solve the problems) and you feel validated. Instead, you hinted and then got resentful when he didn't get the hint.

"He said if that's what I wanted then it would be best for me to do it while staying somewhere else because he didn't want to be under the same roof while I was "testing the waters to see if I want to be in this marriage."

I think this is a smart move for him. You aren't communicating well, and you are already acting as if leaving is an option for you. Why the heck shouldn't he also communicate that an unhappy wife who puts leaving on the table forgets that he has a choice, too, and living with an unhappy wife who has put leaving on the table is not something that HE wants to live with? Seriously, a marriage is comprised of two people, and you are acting like you're the only one who can be dissatisfied, and he just has to put up with whatever.

I think this was a fantastic move on his part, because suddenly you're thinking "Uh oh. I'm not totally in control and maybe there are things that I've failed at in being his wife." Because, wake up call, that's true. You're so focused on him not meeting your needs that you've lost sight that he has needs, too.

"For me, it's talking about the SM issues FIRST, but he doesn't see it that way."

Of course not. You're off bursting into tears in front of strangers instead of talking to him about what the specific issues are and how they can be changed to make you happy. It's not like he can get rid of his kids, and you're not giving him anything to work with. Communicate, woman.

"The entire time, he kept a calm demeanor and voice, maybe to make it seem as though he wasn't being controlling and manipulative. He said that should I decide that I'm not committed, then this can be a very amicable split. He said he'd help me move my stuff, etc."

You see a manipulator, I see a man at the end of his rope. Good for him for being classy and keeping calm. Seems you might have stumbled upon a good guy if you would open your eyes to see that. He's not afraid to be a man and have boundaries with you. If he just rolled over and took your drama, you'd lose attraction and respect for him. So, good for him for being strong.

" It is in my nature to bottle things up until I just can't emotionally bear to any longer. Why am I being punished for opening up to DH? Is he offended that I'm not connecting to his son?"

See? Even before I read that I knew that you (sorry) sucked at communicating.

Can you step outside of your own view to think of how the "bottle up and explode" method makes others feel? They feel frustrated and like they are being manipulated.

People are not mind readers, and I'd be super annoyed with you, too, if the first I heard of your struggles was in front of my friends. He felt like he was being manipulated and punished by you. But you are still focused on YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. Your needs, your needs, your needs. What about your husband??

"Now I'm REALLY not sure if this can work out."

I think it shouldn't if you're not ready to open your eyes and accept responsibility for what has happened and for hurting other people. You are a very passive aggressive person, but you disguise it as being "nice". It's not nice to keep your husband in the dark and then humiliate him in front of others. Your actions, in retrospect, are not very nice at all. But once again, you can only see what he's doing wrong to you. You're struggling, so he should just put up with it and stop doing silly things like having needs while you attend to your needs. That is insane, and you are not ready to be married if you can't see how selfish you are being.

In summary, I think this is a case of focusing on the wedding more than the marriage. You seem to think that rings mean smooth sailing and entitlement toward getting your needs met without expending any effort, and that is not the case at all. Look at you, there are still problems and both of you feel trapped, which heightens the stress.

Stepparenting is hard work. If you cannot communicate well, don't even bother. Did you know that 70% of marriages with kids already present fail? It's because the two adults have to be relationship-skill-masters to get through all of the complications. And you, my dear, are lacking. There is good news in me pointing that out; you're not powerless. You have an opportunity to do better, and perhaps become a good wife and save your marriage.

Maybe he is lacking, too, but I don't see anything glaring from what you wrote. I see a man at the end of his rope who is standing up for himself. I see a man with boundaries for his wife. And I think that makes him a good man, not an emotional abuser. Is he only a good person if he just takes whatever you're throwing out at him? Come on. You would be so un-attracted to that pushover of a man. You've got yourself a manly man, and that is a good thing if you were someone who was able to look at herself and try to do better for the sake of said man.

He is not obligated to put up with anything just because you're married, and good for him to realize that. I think he's trying to get you to wake up in a last ditch effort, and I think it's pretty genius.

I don't know that your marriage is over, but I do know that it will be if you don't start understanding that it is a constant two-way street, and just as you are asking your husband to change the ways he does things to make you happier, he is allowed to ask you to change the ways you do things to make him happier. Why are you so offended at the latter but find the former perfectly acceptable?

Presumably, there are things about this man that you liked enough to marry him. I read one of your other posts, where you admitted that you moved too quickly and now resent that he has a child. While I totally understand that "you knew what you were getting into" does not allow for the feelings to get complicated when love enters the picture, and that, in fact, we don't know what we are getting into, it seems like you are very disconnected from how you feel.

Do you know yourself at all? You strike me as someone who could do better at figuring out what she wants and needs out of life, before she tries to commit to someone. You are someone who needs to become comfortable with self-reflection and communicating the things she discovers along the way.

Perhaps you are not yet at the point where you should be marrying. But you are 30 years old, and I don't think that you should be using that as an excuse. You're a big girl and you can do better. You can try. A good time to realize you weren't ready to be married was before you accepted a proposal. But here you are, and you've done it, and you better bust your butt to make things better instead of just walking away. You said vows. Here are those tough times that those vows addressed. What are you going to do?

You are feeling grief over being a stepmom. I think every single one of us went through some form of "ouch, it hurts that these are not firsts with the man I love." But we grieved that loss and we got through it. You can do it, too. You should! All you have to do is face the grief and get through it. It is in your head; don't fear it so much that you project unhappiness out onto the rest of your marriage.

Tell your husband you realize you're running from some pretty normal grief, and that you are sorry for hurting him in the process. Tell him you want to do better and you want to hear some things that you can work on to make him happier and that make him feel loved and valued. Then take the self-centered nature out of the equation, and LISTEN TO HIM.

A few years ago, I was having relationship problems. I posted about them on a forum where other women handed my butt back to me and pointed out all that I was doing to cause problems and what I could do to resolve it. It hurt. It really hurt.

It forced me to be humble and to consider that I wasn't all that and that my man deserved a woman willing to try to make him happy, too. I lost my entitlement, and I started giving, rather than just taking. And now I am happy, and my man is happy.

So, I hope you see that - while I am being hard on you - it is intended as a wake up call and a gift to you. Perhaps you are right, and you are a victim here and he's to blame for all of your unhappiness, but I seriously doubt it with how many areas I see in which you could do better for your marriage.

If any of this gets through to you, the next step is humbleness, gratitude, and reading "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. If you just want to be offended, then, well, I tried.

I think he's basically telling you that he and his kid are a packaged deal. He's not looking for a partner. He wants a baby momma. I'd have packed my bags that night. HE's making the decision to basically end your marriage and feels he has no responsibility in helping your deal with being a sm. I think he needs time and space to think things through as do you. It's really for the best. Both of you can now reflect as to whether this "marriage" is worth it or not.

I can see both sides of the situation.

One thing that is very troubling to me, though. He claims YOU are not committed to making your marriage work but yet HE is the one who refuses to go to a counselor. WHO is the one not committed??

Even when a spouse says something that you take the wrong way or find hurtful, do you take your wedding ring off? Or do you talk it out until you at least both understand the other person's position? WHO took their ring off? Him or her?

Even him being hurt, yada yada yada, he deals with things immaturely at best. Manipulative at worst. The OP does the same. This is a failure of communication more than anything else.

A marriage is between TWO ADULTS. A person can sure as HELL be married to someone with kids without being a step-parent. We see those posters all the time. It is called being disengaged. I am not saying that the bio will be HAPPY about their spouse disengaging but sometimes that is what saves the marriage.