DH's Best Friend
My DH has a good friend who's unmarried, has no kids, and who calls DH to go out constantly. Something's going on somewhere, and DH's best friend calls and wants to see if DH wants to go hang out for a few hours. This happens at least one night a week...And I get to hear about it.
On the weeks that the skids are with us, DH knows that I absolutely am NOT available to be their babysitter. I wouldn't mind if they were decent kids who'd actually listen to me, but they don't. They're little terrors, and I refuse to be left alone with them. I kept them one night for several hours while DH went out with his friend, and it was a truly horrifying experience. NEVER AGAIN.
So DH's buddy calls him up saying things like "Oh, come on! Let's go out and do something! Look, ncgal's there. She can take care of your boys! She knows what she's doing!" So then DH tells his friend that he can't go, or doesn't want to leave his boys, and then he gets called p-whipped. His friend doesn't like me now because I refuse to be a live-in babysitter for DH's brats. It's awkward because I have to see this guy pretty often. He comes by the house at least 2-3 times a month, and I have to interact with him. He makes "playful" remarks almost every time I see him, about how I won't "allow DH out of the house" when DH's kids are there. He's not just playing, though. He's genuinely pissed off that I'm messing up his "guy time" with my DH.
How the hell do you handle a situation like this? He and DH are good friends, and I'm afraid if I say some of the things I really want to say to him, it'll make the whole situation unbearably awkward!
I don't know the proper way
I don't know the proper way to handle it. I, being the hot head I am, would snatch the phone up & ask him if he is babysitting random kids that AREN'T his so that people can go out for 'guy time'. I would flip the f out & let him know that unlike many parents DH has time when the skids aren't there, & he can go out THEN if he really wants to.
Be cool, confident and say
Be cool, confident and say something like "Why the heck are you blaming me? DH can hire a babysitter if he really wants to go out with you."
Exactly this. You're not
Exactly this.
You're not telling DH he can't go hang out with his friends, you're telling him you won't be a stand-by babysitter to his responsibilities. Send kids to BM or get a babysitter. It's not up to you to manage his social calendar.
If any of my DH's friends spoke to or about me like that, DH would set them straight with a quickness. Shocked he doesn't come to your defense ..
I think it's because DH is
I think it's because DH is resentful that I'm not brimming with excitement at the very thought of being left alone with his three little precious snowflakes. I've tried over and over to tell him that they're SOOOO much worse when he's not there! I don't think he believes me. No, not his little darlings! How can that beeee?!
Yeah, well, they are. They're hell on wheels as soon as they see DH backing down the driveway, and they go nonstop until he comes back. They don't listen to a damn word I say, and they trash the house like a bunch of drunken frat boys. At least one of them ends up injured somehow, then they run and blame it on ME as soon as DH comes home, saying I didn't stop it. Well sweetie, when you're dive-bombing each other on the couch and one of you ends up with a busted lip, that's your own damn fault.
So my theory is that DH will never stand up for me to his buddy because he, himself, thinks it's shitty that I won't stay home with the little darlings. I'm not happy at all about that, either.
Your dh should have the good
Your dh should have the good decency to tell his buddy to shut the f*ck up and not disrespect you in your own home. However, that being said and the fact that most dh's are ball-less on this site, it's up to you to defend yourself.
I'd scratch this guys eyes out seriously.
If DH and this guy weren't
If DH and this guy weren't such good friends, I'd have already flipped out on him. I have to literally bite my tongue to keep from saying what I really want to say when he makes those damn comments. He has NO idea how awful those kids are, and he doesn't really care. All he cares about is that I'm messing up HIS plans, and he doesn't like me as a result of it.
But the fact that they're such good friends makes it very difficult for me. I want to stick up for myself, but I don't because of DH.
You're right, QueenBeau, that he can do stuff with DH on the weeks that the skids aren't there, and I've never once tried to stop it. Sometimes it's stuff that DH doesn't want to go and do, so he ends up making it sound like I'M the cause of the problem. If that keeps up, one day I'm going to just say what the hell I'm thinking!
^^^ took the words right out
^^^ took the words right out of my keyboard-flying fingers ^^^^
I second that the Idiot friend can babysit the skids for you and DH in exchange for a boy's night - night for a night.
Who knows Idiot Friend might even let the skids run away. Win win! }:)
So let me get this right. You
So let me get this right. You will not tell DHs best mate to wind his neck in and behave because it would make things "unbearably awkward" and for DHs sake? Yet your DH doesnt expect his mate to be respectful towards his wife and especially in your own home, DH allows this grown man to be rude to you, make you uncomfortable and he throws you under the bus because you refuse to babysit HIS children? Why are YOU the only one accountable and polite in this situation? Why are you considering everyone elses feelings when they are disrespectful to you and over something which is NOT your responsibility? They are not considering you.
Personally I would very sweetly tell this man "dh is not a dog that is permitted freedom from the home, he is a grown man who is capable of making arrangements for kiddos..." then rinse and repeat. Remind him he is like a broken record and do so witha dazzling smile. Then tell dh in private that unless bestmate can behave he can wait in the car so you do not have to endure his passive aggressive shitty remarks, seeing as dh doesnt expect his mate to play nice. Like crap would I be a walk over.
I have female parts.
I have female parts. Therefore (in DH's friend's mind), that makes me automatically responsible. I've reproduced, which should make me even MORE eager to babysit somebody else's kids.
This guy is clueless. And a jackass. I've accepted that.
He'd lose his damn MIND if he had to spend a couple hours with those kids. I think I will say that it's his turn. Yes, I kept them once so DH and his friend could go out, so yeah, it's definitely his turn!
I think it's sh*tty that you
I think it's sh*tty that you even have to say anything to your DH's friend and that DH doesn't just handle it himself by taking responsibility for his visitation and telling his friend he is spending time with his children that evening.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but in our 15 years of marriage, and in 10 SOLID years of EOW visitation, my DH only went out with friends and left me with the SSs ONCE while we had my SSs. That was for DH's bachelor party, and he ended up coming home early when the group decided to head to the nudie bar on his behalf! I recall only ONE time when we got a babysitter--when our law firm's Christmas party fell on visitation weekend, and we were required to go. So TWICE in 10+ years DH wasn't home when we had the SSs.
All the other hundreds and hundreds of days that we had SSs, my DH was wherever SSs were 100% of the time, interacting with them doing whatever they wanted, playing basketball, football, throwing baseball, going to the movies, watching t.v., etc., etc. My DH's view (and mine, too) was that he only got them for those 4 short days a month and he expended so much effort to get them(he had to drive 4 hours round trip to get them and 4 hours RT to take them home) that he was going to spend every minute he could with them. Had he asked me to babysit them on a regular basis, I would have told him exactly what I just said about how the visitations are for visiting HIM, and therefore, he should be there. Thankfully, he agreed with that.
Though DH would never say so,
Though DH would never say so, I really think he likes the thought of getting away from his kids for a few hours. He has them every other week, and I think he sometimes gets as sick of being around them as I do. They're whiny, high-maintenance kids, and they grate on my nerves. They get to him, too, but he does a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time.
I'm just going to continue to make it clear that I am NOT their babysitter, and I do NOT feel obligated to keep them just because his buddy wants to go check out some new bar downtown and wants somebody to go with him. Just go next weekend when the skids are gone. I wouldn't have a problem with that. Either that or send them back to BM's so you can go out drinking (which he won't do - he wouldn't want her to know that he's trying to get away from them).
It's a crappy situation. The guy hasn't been around much in the past couple of weeks. Maybe it'll stay that way for a while. But yeah, one day he's going to come over after I've just had a couple beers, and shit's going to hit the fan when he starts up with the remarks again!
He makes "playful" remarks
He makes "playful" remarks almost every time I see him, about how I won't "allow DH out of the house" when DH's kids are there
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Next time he says this, you need to tell him that if it is that easy, then HE won't mind watching the skids while YOU and DH go out.
Buuut...JMHO....you have more to worry about if your DH is going out that much? It just seems like a LOT of being away from his family.
As an aside, I love "playful"
As an aside, I love "playful" remarks.
They're about as playful to a woman as a swift kick to the junk is to a man.
He doesn't go out as much as
He doesn't go out as much as I think he'd like to, simply because I refuse to keep his kids when his buddy calls him up last-minute to go out and do something. "Aw man, we'll just be gone, like, an HOUR, dude!" Uh, no. They're gone almost all night sometimes, which is why I did it ONCE when the skids were with us, and I'll NEVER do it again. They were hellish assholes all night long, and I was left exhausted and with a splitting headache. DH comes back all chipper and happy, only to be greeted at the door by the Wicked Witch of the West. He couldn't understand why I was so pissed off!
"An HOUR. You said an HOUR. It's been more like EIGHT HOURS! And you REEK of beer and cigarettes!"
He totally didn't understand why I was in such a bad mood, and I don't think he ever will.
I would look said friend in
I would look said friend in the eye and clearly state "I? Never told dumbass DH he couldn't go out with you. All I said is that I? Won't babysit his children. You want DH to go out? Find him someone to watch his kids for a few hours one night a week. Stop putting the blame on me, and start calling out your BFF instead. Go it?"
Why do men suck so freaking much at confrontation and honesty? They are so great at passing the buck instead of just tackling problems when they start.
Oh and if your DH was single?
Oh and if your DH was single? He'd have to put in the effort and find a babysitter anyway.
I wouldn't watch H's kid either. I told him if he wasn't going to be around when she was on her EOWE or whatever, then H needed to figure out what to do with her.
And that's exactly what I
And that's exactly what I said to DH last time this came up. What would he do with his boys if his friend wanted to go out and he and I weren't together? Yup, he'd either say he can't go or he'd make arrangements for somebody else to watch the kids. I told him to just pretend he's single when his buddy wants to go out, because I am NOT an option when it comes to babysitting those hellions.
Good for you
Good for you
Next time he's over tell him
Next time he's over tell him (even if husband is nearby) that "I hope I'm not coming across as the bad guy here. I'm not keeping (husband) from doing things with you guys I just refuse to babysit children". [Not HIS children just children in general].
DH's friend is a
DH's friend is a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type of person. He just does whatever, whenever. He obviously has never had to take care of anybody other than himself, which is a good thing. I'm glad he's never reproduced. Everything is all about him, nobody else. I'd feel sorry for anybody who sprang from that asshat's loins.
I have no idea why on earth DH is such good friends with this guy. It would be nice if he could look beyond his own fantastic self and see the situation for what it really is, but he can't. I'm not being an asshole. I'm just standing up for myself.
BM used to keep the kids while DH ran around and did whatever - go deep-sea fishing for days, go out with this asshole friend of his, whatever - and I don't think she ever complained. Maybe she didn't care, I don't know, but I DO care. I refuse to be put in that situation, stuck at the house with those hellish brats!
I think DH's friend just expected me to pick up where BM left off, keeping the kids whenever, and for any length of time, with a smile on my face. Fuck that. I do wish he'd get over himself to see it from my point of view, but he doesn't even want to HEAR anybody's point of view but his own. (I'm talking mainly about DH's buddy here...but DH isn't very willing to see it from my point of view, either!)
Problem solved - they can
Problem solved - they can drop them off @ moms.
All I ever get is a passive
All I ever get is a passive aggressive sigh and "I know, I know...My kids suck."
It's kinda hard to have an open, honest conversation with somebody who answers everything I have to say with that little missive.
I'd never, in a million years, expect DH to take care of my kids if I went out somewhere. I'd make other arrangements. Lucky for him I have no life and never go anywhere except to work. Ugh.
I'm not sure who pays for
I'm not sure who pays for what, as I'm never invited. DH's friend has never tried to act like he actually wants me around. He tolerates me, but that's about it.
I'm pretty sure DH's buddy "forgets" his wallet most of the time.
DH handles his own bills, and I handle mine, but if he blew all his money on booze, he'd know better than to ask me for any. He's never tried it, and I doubt he ever would.
Dh just needs to tell his
Dh just needs to tell his friend that he's not a single man, therefore his life is different.
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THIS!!!!!
Talking to DH's friend is
Talking to DH's friend is like talking to a brick wall. DH did try to tell him this once, but his buddy just wasn't hearing it. He just comes back with "Aw man! LIVE A LITTLE! Your wife is such a fucking buzzkill, MAN! We used to have so much FUN together before you two got married!"
Yeah, thanks for making it all my fault, pal. Really appreciate it. :sick:
"I think DH's friend just
"I think DH's friend just expected me to pick up where BM left off, keeping the kids whenever, and for any length of time, with a smile on my face"
haha, isnt that exactly what our DH's think should happen too?
Of course!! What other way
Of course!! What other way SHOULD it be?!?!
It'd be funny if it weren't SO true! I do believe that's how DH sees this. I'm just being a bitch here, and I should just kiss his feet for allowing me opportunities to stay home with his brats while he goes out drinking and having a good time, kid- and responsibility-free. Ugh. GOD!
I'd just say you have no idea
I'd just say you have no idea what he is talking about - DH has never asked you to watch the kids for him so he can go out - so he should take that up with DH and not you....
Ooh, I like that! I wish I
Ooh, I like that! I wish I could use it! It's come up too many times in our little conversations when he's at our house, though, so he knows that DH has asked me repeatedly to watch the darlings while he's out boozing with his buddy.
I think I'll just tell DH's friend that if he wants to "date" my husband so bad, HE can make childcare arrangements. Oh, and PAY for said arrangements.
Either that or he can pay me $100 cash per hour that they're out. That might make it more bearable.
What about if YOU decided to
What about if YOU decided to just go out at the same time they choose to? Tell them you've decided to go to a movie, a restaurant, meet up with friends - anything - and let them deal with skids.
Maybe if you weren't available - each and every single time they ask, they'll get it into their head that you're NOT the babysitter.
DH's friend is an a'hole and
DH's friend is an a'hole and the situation is already awkward. Point out that the skids aren't yours and your husband has responsibilities to them that his friend can't even imagine. Tell him they aren't your monkeys (jk).
"Maybe if you didn't try
"Maybe if you didn't try girlfriend shopping at the women's bathroom at every seedy bar you find, you wouldn't be complaining to your married friends about all their responsibilities. I didn't push those kids out of my vagina, so I'm sure as hell not going to babysit them so you can find some drunken piece of ass too intoxicated to care that you're ugly as fuck."
Oh GOD I wish I had the guts to say that to him! That sums him up perfectly!
He has a girlfried that he openly admits to cheating on, every chance he gets. He's a grade A jackass.
I would bet that they bitch
I would bet that they bitch about you when they do get together. I'm sure they have a ncgal bashing fest and dh doesn't stand up for you and only fuels the fire. I'm not married, but my bf would never allow this. And if things ever do get rocky for you two, this guys going to pull him right out the open door. Nip it in the bud. Like others have said, I would tell the friend that you never said he couldn't go out, but HE is the one who won't hire a babysitter. Stand up for yourself if dh won't do it.
They probably do, but the
They probably do, but the fact that I come on here and bitch privately about DH's kids makes me feel guilty enough to not investigate further.
The situation sucks. DH's friend hasn't been around much lately, thank God. I hope he stays away for a while.
A lot of the time, DH says he doesn't want to go wherever it is his friend's calling him up and asking him to go. If he'd grow a pair and just say NO every once in a while, without tacking on the "I have my kids, and ncgal won't watch them, sooo....", it would make me feel a lot better about this.
I know you don't want to be
I know you don't want to be snarky, but I would have a hard time not telling his friend that maybe he'll understand one day if he ever grows up and gets a life!
A lot of times these guys that make comments like he does to you are just jealous and insecure.
I like what the one poster said about acting like you don't know what he's talking about
He's still relatively young
He's still relatively young (I think he's in his late 20s), so there's a possiblity that he might one day grow the hell up and act like an adult. I still hope he never reproduces, though. I don't think this is something he'll ever outgrow. Everything's about him, and whatever he wants to do. Nobody else's opinion or obligations matter in the slightest.
I honestly don't think he's either jealous or insecure. He just wants what HE wants, and all he sees in me is an obstacle to overcome. I'm keeping him from going out with his buddy, so I'm just a bitch with an attitude.