If it were appropriate for me to go in there and wash that kid's hair, I'd do just that. It'd be a long time before he bitched about having somebody else do it again, that's for sure.

"Oooh! Sorry about dumping half a bottle of shampoo all over your face! Whoopsie! Oh, you want to wipe it off with a towel? Well, you left your wet towel on the floor last night and it got all stinky and moldy, so yeah...sorry, I don't have one. Well, see ya!"

The fact that he allows them to YELL at him and bark orders at him really disturbs me. I had no idea before we got married that he allowed that sort of thing.

If either of my kids tried that, they'd find out pretty quickly that, yes, it IS possible to spank a kid who's seated in a bathtub!

No way in HELL would I put up with that crap. I don't know why he does. I think he's so afraid of his kids not loving him or wanting to come over that he allows them to walk all over him and treat him like shit.

It's not a very endearing, appealing thing to have to witness every other week.

DH excuses a lot of their behavior with that line, or "Well, they're just little."

Oh hell no they're not! The 7- and 8-year-olds can't even tie their own damn shoes!

What could I have possibly done to make this situation any better? DH knows how I feel about the way he babies his kids. He knows I don't approve. Believe it or not, he doesn't do it quite as much as he used to, but yes, he does still choose to do it.

He knows I think it's a bad idea, but that's really just my opinion. They're his kids, and if he wants to raise them that way, that's his decision to make, not mine. I will NOT behave the same way toward them - hence the disengagement - but we both choose to raise our kids the way we see fit. He parents his kids, and I parent mine.

All I can do, short of divorcing DH, is disengage and stay out of it. When the skids do things that directly affect me or my bio kids, I jump in and put a stop to it. Beyond that, I stay the hell out of it.

I try to remember this when their tantrums and demands get on my last nerve. They really don't know any better. It's all they've known their whole lives - they say "Jump" and all the adult they're talking to is allowed to say in response is "How high?"

It's been a bit of a shock to them, having to deal with an adult - for the first time ever, I think - who all but tells them to go get bent when they bark orders at me. At first I responded with dumbfounded indignation and anger, but now, I just turn and walk away like they're not even there. If they can't even be bothered to ask with a "Please," then they know they're not going to get anywhere with me. They'll get NO response whatsoever. Not even an "Ask your dad."

But yeah, they really don't know any better because of the way BM and DH decided to raise them. It's sad. They're in for such a shock when they get out in the real world without Mommy and Daddy there to cater to them constantly.

Actually, DH and BM may still be there for them. Ooh, that's a scary thought...

Oh, I don't. Not really. I mean, hell, as long as it works, why should he stop?

I've tried to get this across to DH, but he's just not hearing me: "He talks to you that way because IT WORKS. Until you STOP responding to that shit, they'll keep talking to you that way!"

I don't know why that's so hard to understand, and I don't know of a simpler way to put it, but he just.doesn't.get.it. SMDH

I'm so sick of "please" too! DH does it all the damn time with his kids!

DH: "Sit down, please."

*skid continues dancing around*

DH: "Sit down, okay? Please sit down."

*skid blatantly ignores DH*

DH: "Sit down, please."

*skid continues acting like an idiot*

DH: "Sit down, please."

*I give him the "Oh for fuck's SAKE!" look*

DH: "SIT DOWN!"

*skid sits down*

Repeat this exchange about 5,482,913 times, and you've pretty much summed up every night and weekend I've spent with the stepbrats.

It is the daddies. I have two boys myself - ages 9 and 4 - who can get up and get ready to go without any real prodding from me. There's no yelling, no drama, no fuss, no nothing. Why? Because that's what I EXPECT out of them, and I don't tolerate any bullshit.

DH hates to see how easily I can get mine up and out of the house every morning. I keep telling him that it can be that way for him, too, if he ever grows a spine and actually stands up to his kids for once.

"Enable much???"

Are you saying I'm enabling this behavior? I'd agree with you if I jumped when the skids said jump, like DH does, but I don't. EVER. I either blatantly ignore them or snap right back and them and say in a kid-friendly way, "Fuck you AND your bitch-ass attitude."

"What you allow will continue."

And what, exactly, can I really do about it, beyond getting a divorce (which I'm trying like hell to avoid, or I wouldn't even be on this damn message board, btw)? DH knows I don't approve of his kids' shitty behavior or his tolerance of it. HE KNOWS. I've made it abundantly clear. He's trying - ever so slightly, but still... - to correct some of it, but every week they go back to BM's, all those old crappy behaviors are reinforced all over again, and we're right back where we started. I will continue to remain disengaged as long as they continue to act as they do, and I'll keep retreating to another part of the house - or out of the house altogether when needed - as long as I need to, and not feel a single SHRED of guilt over it.

"This is DH's problem. Not yours..."

I agree with this 100%. Yes, it is his problem. He and BM created these monsters, and I refuse to continue the cultivation. He wants me to engage with his children, and I'll continue to refuse to do so until they straighten up and act like decent human beings. He knows this. There's no gray area or secrecy here. He KNOWS this.

So until he grows a pair and starts expecting them to behave in a decent manner, it'll be business as usual, with ncgal ignoring the shit out of his precious snowflakes and tending to her OWN damn kids. GRRRR!