I'm back...and ready to leave
I haven't been on here in a long time. I've been married to DH for almost three years. He has three boys, and I have two. The oldest one is 11. Long story short, it's been a cauldron of shit since the day we got married and my kids and I moved in with DS and his kids.
I almost had a nervous breakdown in February 2015 and got into counseling. Therapy, Effexor, and Xanax saved me, at least temporarily.
DH thought that after being medicated, I'd be okay with staying in our current situation, but nothing changed. Nothing got better. His kids do no wrong, and mine can do no right.
I've finally accepted that I can't stay in this environment anymore. DH and I have had many long talks about it, and he's finally accepted it, too.
I'll be moving out with my boys after school's out this June.
It's awkward at home now (his kids are there every other week, and mine are there 24/7), and since I've made the decision to leave, I can't STAND being around DH's kids anymore. I can't even stand the sound of their voices. It was hard before, but somehow it's ten times worse now.
DH wants us to take one more day trip together "as a family" (which we're not and never have been) before I go. I agreed to do it, because I do still love him and it seemed to mean a lot to him, but I'm already dreading it. It's something that would normally be a fun day, but I'd rather stab myself repeatedly in the face than ride in a minivan with those assholes for half a day to do "fun stuff" together at an amusement park.
I can't speak for everybody, but I can say that for my situation, nothing got better. I'm just medicated now, and I feel like a shell of my former self. Financially it's going to hit me hard to move out (I sold my house and all my furniture and houseware-type stuff after we got married), but at least then my kids and I will have a shot at a somewhat normal life again, where we don't feel like we're walking on eggshells all the time at "home".
It doesn't help that I had to move into the house that he shared with BM, and that she decorated and furnished according to her tastes. I've always felt like I was just a guest in HER home. That feeling never went away.
My therapist told me to stay away from this site and anyone dealing with a SM-type situation because it could possibly make my own frame of mind and perspective worse, but dammit, I'm BACK!
Edit: I meant to say it's
Edit: I meant to say it's been almost three years since I moved in with DH, not DS!
Is this one last trip, his
Is this one last trip, his idea of breakup sex?
You do not want to go on the trip, so don't go. Who cares if it means alot to him?
I am sorry for such a hard
I am sorry for such a hard time of things and I applaud your ability to take back your life.
Hopefully by taking care of yourself you can get back to yourself.
Do what is best for you and boys.
I really don't know about this trip tho- it sounds a lot of trouble for people you don't even like and I would be concerned at the stress this would put on you. Would it be possible to say you thought about it and don't think it is a good idea? You may love him but he never loved you enough to fix things when he had the chance
It really does suck, and I
It really does suck, and I can't believe he asked me to do this. It's going to cost about $150 just for tickets to get in for my two kids and me, and I'm really short on cash. I've been buying furniture, houseware items, etc. over the past two months, and I'm cash-poor right now.
I think I'll have to say that if he wants my kids and me to go, he's going to have to flip the bill for the entire trip. I just ain't got the money. Never mind the fact that I'll have to take a Pez dispenser full of Xanax with me just to get through the damn day.
It's a place I've wanted to take my kids to for a while. That actually makes it worse. I'd like our first trip there together to be fun for ALL of us. And by "all," I mean my kids and me. "All" in my vocabulary no longer includes my husband and his three asshole kids.
I think you have your answer
I think you have your answer hun
Don't go on this trip- tell him you looked at budget and thought about it and it doesn't suit and that you don't think it's appropriate
I can't help but also wonder if going somewhere he knows you want to take your kids is some sneaky way to try lure you back???
Please don't do this - save the money so you can get your children out of the house and start living your life again
You don't owe him or his kids
You don't owe him or his kids any of your time at all.
You've made your decision, it's time to start acting like you're actually separating instead of confusing all the kids even more (especially since it seems they're quite young).
JUST SAY NO. For your own sanity.
I figured DH would bring it
I figured DH would bring it up again last night after I got home, but he didn't. Like last year's never-did-happen summer vacation, I just won't bring it up anymore. I'll wait for it to fade away and never come about. I was RELIEVED last year that we didn't have to make that annual bullshit trip to the beach because DH forgot to make reservations early enough to get a good place.
It's ridiculous to live in a situation where you dread your vacations and look forward to going back to work, not because you love your job that much, but because working is better than spending time with the people you share a home with.
If it comes up again, I'll just say no, we're not going with you, but y'all have a good time, 'kay? He won't like it, but that's just too bad. I'm spending a buttload of money replacing all sorts of stuff, putting a deposit on an apartment, etc., and I don't have any money at all to spare right now. Screw him and his asshole kids. They wouldn't want us to go anyway.
Take your own kids there once
Take your own kids there once you're back on your feet!
Man your stbx is really laying it on thick, isn't he?
Something else came up a few
Something else came up a few weeks ago, and like this situation, I'm just going to ignore it and hope it goes away on its own.
Last year, after I almost broke down, I got into therapy and on medication. After a month or two of that, I started feeling better and got the idea that maybe if DH and I spent some one-on-one time with each other's kids occasionally, it might help us get along better as a family.
I took two of his kids out to dinner, but I never did it with the oldest one. DH said that SS11 is "uncomfortable around adults" and might be nervous about it, so he couldn't ask the poor little baby to do it just yet. I said fine, whatever. Then it never happened, and I forgot all about it.
(BTW, he never did it with my older son, either, which my son was fine with because he doesn't really care for DH that much. They don't get along very well.)
Well, a few weeks ago, out of the blue, DH said "You know, you never did take SS11 out for your special date night." (I HATE it when he refers to his one-on-one time with his kids as "date night." It's just creepy as shit, and then he uses that term to refer to my one-on-one time with SS11? UGH.) "I guess we just forgot all about it, huh? SS11 told me yesterday that he's really upset that he won't get a special night with you before you go, so could you maybe try to do a little something with just him before you move out? I know it'd mean the world to him, and he feels like it's not fair that his brothers got to do that with you and he didn't."
I mumbled a "Yeah sure" his way, but I really didn't want to. It's like I have one foot out the door and he's trying to lasso me and drag me back in.
It's like there are all these "Oh! One more thing!" matters that have come up. I'm sure they're not over yet.
I found out yesterday that there's a 3-bedroom apartment coming available right after school gets out in mid-June, and I've submitted the deposit and application for it. I know I should move out sooner, but it's complicated. I really want to wait until school is out for various reasons. I won't be around the skids that much (we'll be at my mom's house every weekend they're visiting), so it'll minimize my contact with them and make it more bearable. The good thing about hopefully moving out mid-June is that I'll miss a whole rash of skid birthdays coming up, starting in July. YAY! No bullshit parties to go to where I'm expected to chit chat and make nicey nicey with BM! WOO HOO!
I can't fucking WAIT for my freedom. There are SO many things in my life that will simply cease to be a problem anymore - POOF! - like magic, the moment I walk out that door for the last time.
I honestly can't believe this
I honestly can't believe this guy. He did nothing with your kids and still wants you to do sown thing with his even tho your leaving cause of them.
What world does he live in?
Any chance you come move to your moms for the rest of the school year and then get into apartment after that?
I think you are sending him
I think you are sending him mixed signals, and he is grasping at anything to feel you out.
If you are moving out, be done with him. No maybe dating and no but-I-still-love-him.
You can't stand his children. That is a huge part of who he is - it is not a separate issue.
At least promise yourself six months of no contact to see where that leads you.
You know what? The "one last
You know what? The "one last trip together" thing wouldn't have bothered me so bad if he hadn't added, "Oh, BM got a HUGE tax return, so she bought platinum level season passes to [theme park] for [the three stepsons], so we won't even have to pay for them."
This...this just chapped my ass. I don't know why. Well, actually I do. BM didn't work for the longest time, getting $$$ from DH, along with Medicaid, food stamps (which she sold for cash to her friends), housing assistance, etc. Then she got a teaching job (FINALLY), and now she's making a shit-ton of money, gets back somewhere around $6,500 in a tax refund, and DH STILL pays her $300 a month in child support voluntarily. He WILL NOT stop paying her, even though now she makes more than he does and they split all custody/child expenses 50/50!!!
I've discussed this with him several times, but the "guilty dad symdrome" is strong with this one. He'll keep bowing and scraping at BM's feet the rest of his life. This is item number 4,364,305,104,504 that I won't miss about being in that house and that marriage anymore. I won't have to witness this shit day-in, day-out anymore, and that alone is worth the expense and trouble of moving out.
So to hear that BM bought the skids platinum passes to this theme park (they cost $175 per child), and now we'll be taking a trip down there (it's about two hours one-day), and I'll have to pay for myself and my kids...UGH. On SO many levels I want to just say "You and BM can GO FVCK YOURSELVES! Why don't YOU TWO take them down there for a day of fvcking fun and excitement!!"
GAAAHHH!
The only way I would go on
The only way I would go on this "family" trip would be if I totally left any filters at home.
In other words anybody being an ahole would be called out for being an ahole. (but in child appropriate terms as these are pretty young kids).
I would also insist on being the driver. And would have NO compunctions about turning around and going home - even if we were 10 minutes from the theme park.
And for super duper aholiness in the parks I might just leave them there. (or at least threaten it)
And I would definitely split up from them at the park and arrange a time to meet up to leave.
I sent DH a text saying that
I sent DH a text saying that I checked on the prices for admission to the amusement park, and I won't be able to afford to go. He was shocked when I told him how much it cost. He didn't say much other than "Wow, really? I had no idea." It's $70 per person over the age of two, so yeah, I don't see me paying $210 for my kids and me to go on the voyage of the damned.
Good for you. DON'T GO. You
Good for you. DON'T GO. You are either putting yourself in danger, committing self torture of a day being with skids you can't stand, or leaving the door open for a reconciliation.
You don't want any of the above. So just DON'T GO.
Save your money. Use it for a
Save your money. Use it for a fun day trip or you and your kids after you've moved and are settled in. It'll be a treat by then and the kids and you will enjoy it.
If you'd rather not spend so much on a single day, use the money as you said, a microwave. Maybe bedding sets for the kid's new bedrooms. Prepare for the future, don't waste it on the past.
I applaud you for begging
I applaud you for begging out.
But.
Just telling him, "I won't be going, because I don't want to go" is also enough. You don't need to make excuses, you know? Your own feeling that you don't wanna is enough.
My ex and I had to live in
My ex and I had to live in the same house after we decided to divorce. We were moving back to the home state. I found it actually easy because I knew it was over. I did not give two crap about his cheating etc. It was freeing
I have to say, since we
I have to say, since we officially decided together that I'd be moving out after school ends in mid-June, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'm no longer obligated to be present for any skid-related functions, and I don't feel the slightest sense of guilt when I take off for the weekend with my own kids when they're there.
My mom's going to be having hip replacement surgery soon, and she's having trouble doing things around the house, so my kids and I go spend the weekend with her every other weekend (when the skids are with DH) and help take care of stuff around the house. My boys get to spend time with my mom, I help my mom out, and I get to avoid the skids. It's a win-win for everybody!!
I don't care where DH goes, I don't care when he comes home, and I don't feel bad about taking off whenever I feel like it. It truly is liberating. If DH whines, I just tell him he'd better get used to it, because in about two months, I won't be there AT ALL!
Good luck to you. I'm glad
Good luck to you. I'm glad you decided not to go.
Thanks. He'll probably give
Thanks. He'll probably give me a ration of shit about it, but I believe it's the best thing to do. I do want to take my boys there some time...just NOT when I have to put up with the skids the entire damn day.
Nope. You guys are separating
Nope. You guys are separating and nothing is done joint anymore. Keep telling him he'd better get used to it. Going through the exact same thing with my soon to be ex. He can't move until July 1! I won't even go grocery shopping together with him.
It is immensely difficult to
It is immensely difficult to "break up" but still have to live together. Why pretend? If you don't want to go, then don't. It will be meaningless anyway. Why go do a family outing when you both have decided you are no longer a family?
Like you I also have a
Like you I also have a CAULDRON... of SHIT... with the same amount of time invested as well.
The trip sounds like sweet manipulation. Don't fall for it. And it will hurt, no? I mean, I couldn't fathom taking a "one last time" ANYTHING with my soon to be ex. Too painful. I spent the last 3 years hoping for something to turn around, hoping that the man I thought I married would show up and stay for awhile. NOPE. IMHO I just think it would be putting salt into the wound.
I can't give you any other advise. I am in the process of getting out myself and have just started. There will be a whole lot of bull crap to deal with before it gets better I am sure. I am lawyered up though and ready to go for it.
In order to keep my spirits up, I have been adopting a daily saying ( which I borrowed from some rapper, ICE T or CUBE or whomever:
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY....
I DIDN'T USE MY A.K.
Good luck to you dear.