1. I think you need to stay out of their relationship. Don't talk to your DH about her, don't partake in their Skype chats, etc. Stay out of it and let them work it out on their own.

2. Don't send gifts or cards to her. She doesn't want or acknowledge them, so why send them? That'll make you look like a doormat in her eyes.

3. She won't acknowledge you? Say "hi, SD" loudly or "SD, do you have something in your eye?"

4. "I hate it when he tells her she is beautiful." She's still his daughter. Of course he's going to think she's beautiful. It's great he says that to her provided it's on appropriate occasions and not constantly.

5. Unfriend and block her on facebook, your cell phone, etc.

The guy is 41 years old! He was her age when his daughter was born!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That makes me wanna yak. Dirty ol men!

This is going to come out catty and I am sorry but I have to ask: How old is your fiance?

It doesnt creep you out that you are 23 and his daughter is 20??? You would be a stepmother to a girl who wouldve been a freshman in high school when you were a senior?

Sorry, this is a train wreck waiting to happen.

I wish I could answer this for you but I can't. I to am jealous of my 2sd's. And one lives with us. It is really starting to affect our (me/df) relationship - BIG TIME!

Are you really OK with knowing you will always be second to his adult daughter? You shouldn't be. And I suspect there are cultural differences at play here that my be very hard to overcome. However hard this relationship is right now, today, it will get harder down the road. If you can disengage and detach from this young woman you might save your sanity, but given the age difference and your fiancé's admission that he likes her child-like whiney nature (so he can feel strong and needed?) I sure don't see anything getting better. Sorry.

It really doesn't matter the age difference between the OP and her SO as to what OP is posting about. I think the SO and the OP could both be 40 years old and this same 'problem' would be happening.

Im curious as to when the last time was the SO even saw in person his daughter. The OP has never meet the young woman. But the very idea of 2BSD's existence sets off jealousy. The OP has this notion that she should be experiencing 'first' with her SO...20some years too late but that is what OP wants. A man to fall in love with, marry and experience all the 'first' of honeymoon stage, thoughts of babies and then finally having a child. Only problem is she picked the wrong man to have that dream of all those type of 'first'.

I never quite understand how some women chose a man who has already done 'all that' then resents not being able to have all the 'first' of the woman's dreams/hopes. Anyway, to the actual post: this young lady is nowhere near you and/or any real part of your life. So why not just let it be. She doesn't need a mother. She doesn't need you suggesting how she should spend her Friday and Saturday nights and she didn't ask a single thing of you. Not to be your long distance friend. Not to write her or chat online with her. Nothing. Let her be. Why care if the woman says herself that she is pretty? It's nothing to you. The woman lives with her elderly grandparents in another country. Her father sends her a gift occasionally. Exactly what kind of a threat do you feel this girl is?

I actually had to laugh that you're upset she spends weekends in a bar with a 40 year old (so says the lady who spends her weekends with a likely 40 year old herself). The young lady isn't judging you. Why judge her? Be glad she's a young pretty girl and will likely find a nice young man to marry and start her life with. It doesn't sound like your SO paid much of any type of regular attention to this young woman until you started pressing the issue he should (except for money and a gift perhaps now and then). Stop pressing. Stop trying to be involved with the girl. Ignore her. She's happy enough ignoring you. Let her live her life and you worry about living yours. If you're afraid she'll move to this country and become more a part of your life on a more regular basis otherthan the occasion Skype then that's something you need to discuss with your SO before you agree to marry him.

A few monthe ago I left ExSO - main reason- he allowed his daughter to be his mini wife. Even though he got better with her it seemed to late- she already believed she was entitled to be his no one and was very manipulative.Your jealousy is only a warning sign that something is not in balance.You should be his "babydoll" and his no 1 in my opinion- how else will you build a future and be his "life partner"? I feel of course also sorry for the daughter, but instead of behaving like a toddler and being rude she needs to be treated like a responsible adult! She doesn't need Dadddddddddyyyyyyyy to treat her with velvet gloves - she needs therapy to work on her issues.The problem I see is your SO allowing her to be rude to you and to play baby.Very unhealthy.Please don't marry him !!

Maybe you are jealous because it appears she is getting everything she wants and you are not?

I feel sad for you. Aside from the jealousy thing.

You are 23 years old and settling. You could be traveling, getting an education, and living your life.

I'm a SM. It's not easy and I actually love my SS. You're in for years of heartache if you stay on this path. If you were my daughter, I'd ask you to reevaluate your life and goals.

If this is really weighing you down, you might want to see a therapist. They can get to the root of the issue and help you devise a plan on how to deal with your feelings and her rudeness towards you.

One thing they'll surely recommend is staying out of your fiancé's relationship with his daughter. She has her own issues, many of which are valid. If and when she wants to sort them out with her dad, she'll do so. But she will be more likely to do so if you butt out. Everyone's given you terrific advice here. Please take it to heart and try to implement it in your life.

Why you're upset with dad and daughter's give and take relationship is beyond me.

He has spent years teaching her that him buying her stuff was much more important than the two of them spending time together and having a normal parent/child relationship.

He set himself up as a human ATM instead of a father. So why be angry at her for treating him that way? He created the woman you're jealous of.

You have daddy issues, your boyfriends' daughter has daddy issues = recipe for disaster.

I was 23 years old when I met my husband and he was 42 years old with a 19 year old daughter who also lived in a different country. I was jealous too. I think it was more the thought that allready done the marrying, getting children etc.
Plus about 7 months after we met OSD announced she was pregnant.
I wanted to be friends too with OSD. And she was friendly to me. Behind my back she was tekking lies about me.
I'm 42 now and my husband is 61. We have a 14 year old daughter together. My husband loves the fact he has a second chance with raising a child. I think osd is jealous though about him having another child. She told me once she hated us talking about her. After all she was his first daughter. She forgets she was already an adult.
Since I've been reading on here, I learned that I made a big mistake by keeoing in touch with her and now I don't. This is because osd is a major attention seeker and liar. Now Im not in touch, i have no idea what she is up too and it is much more peacefull.
I think you will grow out of your jealousy feelings.
I would check with your so if he thinks she will ever move in with you. I did too and he denied. When osd had problems and left her so and child i offered her to stay with us against my dh wishes. Big mistake. As a thank you she told dh i had a sexual relationship with her so. Who lived in another country :jawdrop:
Anyway, the only advise I can give you is to stay away from your sd. Keep indifferent. After all she lives far away, so she doesnt affect your life.

For cripes sake she lives in another country and you are jealous of their Skype time? That is a little much. What will you do if or when she moves to your country? What the heck will you do if she moves in with your fiance? What will you think if she has kids before you? There are so many more things to come your way that if this bothers you now you will never survive a marriage with this man. You do not have the skills to deal with all of this. When I was 20 I don't know that I would be able to deal with it either. I was so different in my twenties than what I am in my thirties.

I think this girl has has a difficult life with her father leaving, mother abusing her, and now her dad is about to marry someone her age :jawdrop:

Her behavior is not right towards you but it certainly is understandable

I would say she is probably has jealous and threatened by you being in her father's life, as you are with her ;(

Clearly her father suffers from guilt and is scrambling to keep her in his life. Allowing her to behave like a whiny child, constantly telling her she is beautiful and is his "baby doll" while this is nice, it may well be that he fears his relationship with you will push her over the edge and therefore he treats her this way to keep her believing she is # 1 in his life and doesn't need to be threatened by you...I think many of our DH's have done similar things to avoid the jealous heartache it would cause their kids when they bring a new woman into their life who their already unhappy kids fear will replace them. These men seem to think that by constantly reassuring their children that they are #1 the children will accept their dad's relationship with his new wife.

Unfortunately even if this were true, it sends an ugly hurtful message to the very woman they want to spend their life with. For sure this may well be why you feel jealous and unable to deal with this girl. Who wants to have the message sent to them that 'my daughter is the beautiful one, SHE'S my baby doll, she's #1 to me and you matter less'

I don't know if it will get better. Yes if you were able to overcome your jealousy and accept how your DH is going to treat you in comparison with his DD may help somewhat, but it doesn't mean it will ever get better between you and her.

I would recommend you not participate in their conference calls. Just because you were accepting of your SM's does not mean she has to be with you. Clearly neither of you enjoy these moments. Your SD has made it clear she would prefer to not have to deal with you and you have been clear you can't stand how your DH treats her, and you feel jealous during these discussions.

Perhaps if you let them talk and didn't get involved you would feel a whole lot less stress as you don't have to listen to the things that are making you feel jealous. At the same time, your SD may appreciate you giving her some space to talk with her dad alone

I wish you all the best with this

your being so close in age is part of the problem, i have to say. her being an adult only daughter makes things worse. she sees herself as the princess in his life.

on another matter, she may be a mini wife who considered her father as a surrogate husband. this is unhealthy, i know, but very common.

if so, its normal for your to be jealous. i don't blame you for feeling this way.

POETIC JUSTICE FOR THE DH’S THAT MARRY A 23yo WITH HIS OWN DAUGHTER BEING 20yo.
I am assuming the dynamics of the relationship…keeping and being kept. Now during this bliss the new young wife gets pregnant. Fast forward 5 years. The relationship is doomed. The DH is now DH2 with a 25yo BD and a 5 yo Bkid. He’s 46 trying to find another “mate” with all of that baggage. He’ll be 58 when child support stops. POETIC JUSTICE. I’m sure his Match.com reads …DM seeking someone stupid enough to jump on this train wreck.

You have a long way to go.....His Daughter is not going away. Unfortunately you can be replaced. She won't be. You start nagging and eventually he won't love you anymore. That is a fact of life. Why would you think you would be 2nd place??? You are not competing for the same thing. You still have a lot of maturing to do...AND that is why a 41 year old man should not be with a 20 something young lady.... Nuff said....

I can honestly relate to you, my soon to be step daughter is 24 and I'm 26. At first our relationship was good, at least I thought so. She started stealing my clothes, perfumes to take to her dorm at college. This made me mad. However my fiance always has my back within reason I think that's what bothers her. So I just stopped trying, I'm respectful to her that's it. So I suggest that you just stop trying, you can change how she feels, and you can't tell her dad what he can't buy for her. All you can do is just agree with him and just tell him he is a good dad, but also put your foot down slowly. My fiance used too do the same. One I started pointing out what we need, he slowly stopped being a sucker. Just unfollow her from your fb, no need to delete. You have to realize that you can be friends with her and once you accept that you'll be ok. Trust me I used to be in your shoes. Now I can care less of her opinion.