How to help FH cope?
SD3 left yesterday, usually when we drop SD off she is okay with going with BM, but yesterday she threw a HUGE tantrum when BM picked her up. FH was outside with SD while waiting for BM's arrival. SD was normal and fine until BM picked her upto put her in her car seat. This is when all hell broke loose, and SD began crying and reaching for FH, screaming that she didn't wanna go.
FH was devastated when he came back into the house. I've tried telling him that she probably just had a really fun week with us, we went to the Portland Zoo for a few days, and got home the day before she left. And I also told him that its just hard for her right now to go from one house to the other. But he is still pretty tore up about it.
How can I help FH cope with SD leaving? She's usually only gone for 3 days, but those three days kill FH (he's a worrier, and he constantly worries about SD when she's not with us... For good reason, BM has taken SD to ER on multiple occasions because of BM's lack of attention.)
SS did that until he was ten.
SS did that until he was ten. My husband felt horrible too. For her age is normal, even if both parents are nice. Change is hard for them.
SS now is 13, he says when his dad drops him off: I will be bored. Hope you guys don't go anywhere, just strait home.
He knows his dad feels horrible, and love to make him feel guilty.
Your SD maybe senses her dad's emotions too. He need to relax.
What is the schedule of how
What is the schedule of how often he gets her?
My SS5 goes back and forth of wanting to go BMs, and then he will make us feel bad because he doesn't want to go - this past time he stood at my door of the truck when it was clear I wasn't paying attention until I saw DH standing there he didn't care that BM was looking or not he wanted to give me a hug and tell me "I'm going to actually really miss y'all your bring me lunch right" and then the time before that DH had started the truck about to put it in gear and we hear a little bitty knock on his door he opened it and SS climbed up and stood on the edge with DH holding him up and asked us not to go - BM didn't even know he had ran to the other side of the truck until she saw him through my window she thought he had went in the house. It can sadden one it even saddens me a little bit especially like yesterday when he asked me if I could sign him out of school and take him back to the house and us just play even without DH here though he was big about missing his daddy as well.
My advice is ensure him it can deal with her age and he is a good day - he is doing what he has to do by letting her go with BM it's like going to work we don't like it but have to do it.Also does he call you SD when she at BMs I know sometimes just calling a hearing a voice my mom used to say made her feel better, DH also calls SS normally that night and then most other nights when he can just to check in (even just i was just calling to say hi and i love you bye - 30 sec call once a day) and it helps being away.
We have a 60/40 split. We get
We have a 60/40 split. We get SD Wednesday after FH gets off work and we drop her off Sunday, usually after her nap and Afternoon snack around 3 or 4.
I know its a lot of coming and going for her, but its better than having her go back to BM every other day, that schedule changed after BM got a BF and got pregnant within the first month they were together.
FH doesn't call SD, he has tried but BM tells him SD doesn't want to talk to him, or comes up with an excuse, which makes FH feel worse. But calls aren't court ordered, so we can't force BM to have SD talk with us.
It has gotten harder the last moth or so with her leaving, since she is becoming more and more vocal and aware of her feelings and what's going on. I do get sad at times as well, like before she left Mon (we went to the zoo over the weekend, so we had her an extra day.) I was trying to get her excited about going, I told her that BM would probably do some fun things with her, SD's reply was 'probably just swimming.' And I asked if swimming was fun she said 'yeah, but BM doesn't swim with me, she only swims with my brother, BF swims with me sometimes.' It breaks my heart when she talks about all the things BM does with her son and not SD.
To be honest it sounds to me
To be honest it sounds to me that you guys arent giving BM a chance in hell to just be with SD. I get it she isnt responsible but kids play parents against eachother my SD does it that is something that needs to be addressed with BM by your DH. Your DH sounds like he is PASing his SD or trying to with all his phone calls.Your SD doesnt get the chance to just be with her mom of course she isnt going to want to go there. Im sorry if you dont want to hear that I just know that phone calls from BM turn into a nightmare with SD they need their time with the parent to be just with parent. To be honest it is diffucult at first for the parents but it is easier on them aswell.
How are we PAS parents? We
How are we PAS parents? We give BM the benefit of the doubt most of the time. When BM want to keep SD an extra day or she has plans Sat and wants SD, we let her have that extra time. I know mother daughter relationships are important. I'm not trying to take SD away for BM. We don't talk poorly about BM around SD. We try to get SD excited about going with BM.
The last thing we want to do is alienate SD from BM. Like I had said, the schedule change was BM's idea, she chose the days and everything. FH has only tried calling SD once or twice since she has been able to talk on the phone, but we found it pointless when an argument with BM comes from it.
So please, explain to me how we are alienating SD from BM?
Cause I don't really see how we are, and if we are I don't want to be that SM who ruined BM and SD's relationship.
The phone calls, I dont think
The phone calls, I dont think you guys are doing it purposely sorry I didnt mean to come across rude. I just think phone calls to a child can sometimes be very confusing and heart breaking. When SD goes to BM she goes and thats it esp if there is only 3 days personally I think BM has done the right thing by refusing them.The only reason I say this is because with my SD6 stuff like this threw her right off the edge when it was happening she was a mess. Kids need time to just be with their parents on that parents time. I also know that it made things alot easier on the adults aswell everyone needs structure not just the kids!
My only suggestion for your DH is try to find a way to help SD it is less hard if SD isnt loosing it every switch day! For us it took having a longer range of days with the kids so they have time to settle down before being shipped off to another home. Maybe you guys need to consider not switching around days and stick to a strict schedule? I know this was another thing that really helped with my skids! Most of all I hope your DH can start feeling better about it its heart wrenching to watch our SOs feel this way and our skids! I hope I didnt step over bounderies and this doesnt come across as bossy just thought I would throw out some ideas for you! You cant change how much your DH loves and misses his kids but you can try to make the whole situation easier!
I didn't think you were
I didn't think you were trying to be rude. I just didn't fully understand what we were doing to be accused of being PAS, but I do understand where you're coming from. And he had only tryed the calls once or twice, but gave up after BM told him no.
I understand that it is not only hard for the Bio parents but extremely hard for the Skids.
The last thing we want is to make things more stressful and harder for SD.
Thank you for your input, and help. I'm doing my best to help FH with seeing his little girl go. I just don't understand why it takes him so long to get over it. I mean we have two other daughters together that he is missing time with when he 'zones out' for a day or two after SD leaves. Then the girls and I usually have one day where he is back to himself. And I'm finding it unfair to my girls and me.
I just don't know what to say or do to help him snap out of his funk sooner.
The only thing I could think
The only thing I could think of is having your girls tell him they miss him... this is heartbreaking! Hopefully your sd can start getting used to it and so can your dh. I hope something gives maybe post this in the dads section too!