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DH is teetering toward disengagement

steppedonstep's picture

DH has been talking about disengaging with SD, although I'm sure he doesn't know the term. After many months/years of making excuses for her and catering to her, he may be getting a backbone. This last episode with her moving away because we won't let her keep horses in our yard has opened his eyes. One day he will be so disappointed and angry and he sees the reality of her actions. Next day he is friendly toward her. The last week has been more 'disengagement' type talk than making excuses for her. Yesterday he told me he will talk to her when she returns from her trip. (He had planned to go on the trip for Gskid, but SD told him a few days before that he could not go because he might be distracting or cause conflict. He was very hurt.) He plans to tell her that things have to change. She hasn't allowed her BMs husband at her home for years. DH told me he is going to tell her he will not have her ban me as she has done to BMs husband. I am his wife and he doesn't visit without me. I will be proud if he really tells her that. I think she may tell him that I am welcome at her new home to appease him, but I first expect a sincere apology for her horrible treatment of me. Just being told she will have an open door policy in the future won't work for me. I doubt she will apologize. DH said if she doesn't agree to accept us both he is going to tell her, paraphrasing "have a nice life." I doubt he can bring himself to do it, but it seems he is coming around, slowly. He also plans to talk to her about how she has turned Gskid against us. That is really sad, but not uncommon, I guess, as I have read about it happening to others on this site.

If any of your DHs have disengaged with SDs, how did the process go? Was it gradual or was it the result of some dramatic blowup? So many of these stepfamily dynamics seem to follow a pattern on this forum.

Amber Miller's picture

My DH started to disengage after his lovely daughter called him screaming about me and how awful I am. She slammed the phone in his face. He told me that he wasn't going to tolerate that kind of treatment. Well 3 months later, DH sends her a letter (I have no idea what he wrote because he keeps everything a secret in regards to SD) and she called the other night. Of course he didn't answer the phone in front of me. She is starting to slither her way back in. It was nice when she was gone. How come he can't take a stand against her and her bad behavior. She is 30. I had to ask if he heard from her as he didn't tell me. Its all about keeping their relationship a secret which makes me feel even more resentful. What's there to hide? its not like shes his mistress even though it feels like she is. He doesn't have to tell me everything he does but in this situation, one would think that he would tell me that the spoiled brat finally resurfaced.

Amber Miller's picture

My DH started to disengage after his lovely daughter called him screaming about me and how awful I am. She slammed the phone in his face. He told me that he wasn't going to tolerate that kind of treatment. Well 3 months later, DH sends her a letter (I have no idea what he wrote because he keeps everything a secret in regards to SD) and she called the other night. Of course he didn't answer the phone in front of me. She is starting to slither her way back in. It was nice when she was gone. How come he can't take a stand against her and her bad behavior. She is 30. I had to ask if he heard from her as he didn't tell me. Its all about keeping their relationship a secret which makes me feel even more resentful. What's there to hide? its not like shes his mistress even though it feels like she is. He doesn't have to tell me everything he does but in this situation, one would think that he would tell me that the spoiled brat finally resurfaced.

Newimprvmodel's picture

It has been one week since dh and i got back on track and yesterday spent the whole day together. his parents called to request his daughters phone number and then dh walked away for a minute to alert them that sd has told him adios. i heard him say he wanted them to know what they were going into. so i guess he expects that she will give them a big attitude. whatever.....he must know his child..treat your grandparents like dirt but get trust fund money from them..dreadful spoiled. i have to say that this week dh threw out some thoughts that clearly were meant to imply that i should start anew with his angel....but i did not take the bait and i will not have anything to do with her. the line in the sand stays drawn...we have not mentioned her and i feel great....disengaging is a beautiful thing!!!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I cannot imagine my DH standing up for me the way your has SteppedOn. kudos to him. I honestly don't know if he will be able to stay on track but at least he sees reality and has stated to you what he expects from SD. If my DH has ever tried to get SD to smarten up - I dont' know about it! I never hear about anything that goes on during his alone visits. Frankly, I don't really want to know unless it affects us somehow.

If my DH did what yours did I would still NOT want to visit her. And as another poster said, it will not be a sincere apology. She will just be trying to appease her daddy.

I would be more inclined to support DH seeing her without me but NOT on holidays. At Christmas, he could go see her before or after Christmas day for example. Other than that, perhaps they could get together once a month for a dinner. I would not want to partake in this ritual if it was me.

I will attend dinners for gskids at a mutual location - restaurant - but do not plan to ever set foot in SD's house again.

I hope you and your DH can move forward and not spend too much time discussing this. It should not be your and your DH's main focus in life.

When my DH starts on about me and SD not having a relationship, I just steer away from the convsersation and say right now is not the right time to try to "fix" anything. Too much stress that I do not need. I have a lot going on right now so SD is the last thing I want to think about or deal with.

Good luck!

always wrong's picture

My DH has disengaged completely from SD. It has been a rocky relationship for a little over 4 years. The original reason was because of me and the fact that SD couldn't tear us apart once and for all. I finally had enough and would not let SD live with me anymore (DH worked on the road, was home on weekends, mommy lived in another state). SD had to move back with mommy and mommy and SD hatched a plan to have DH move in with them to "coparent" their 17 year old brat. DH refused to go along with this so SD said that DH had "abandoned her" AND "took my side". No communication for 2 years. We let SD move back in with us when she was 19. She refused to work while we helped her thru school and paid for her room share and all her bills. DH finally had enough and SD walked again. She called him once to tell him he was a piece of SH@# father because he didn't pay her doctors co-pay. After that, he really didn't care if he saw her or not.

I sent Christmas Presents to her and her BF. She called after that and said she was sorry, but she has only called him once since Christmas and has only come over to our home once for dinner. She has tried to get money out of us since then and I did break down and give her some and then the phone stopped ringing. I guess I should have learned the first 100 or so times but I didn't. Needless to say, DH is quite happy not having a relationship with her and I should just follow suit. Life has been very calm and DH and I do not argue at all since she is no longer in the picture.