SS won’t do anything I say and ignores all rules and punishments
I’m at a complete loss at how to deal with my SS(11) who lives with us full time. He won’t listen to me. He ignores me and refuses to do what he’s told. Nothing we do gets through to him to correct this behavior. I’ve posted on some parenting forums and have been told as a stepmom, I shouldn’t discipline him. I can’t find anything that will help and his behavior keeps getting worse.
Normal punishments haven’t worked. We can’t find any consequences that have an impact. He doesn’t care if he can’t watch tv or play video games. It doesn’t matter if he’s grounded or we make him go to bed early. All he does is sulk in his room anyways. If you ask him to do a chore, he ignores it. He acts oblivious to everything. His room is an absolute pigsty. He doesn’t pick up anything. His clothes are all over the floor. I’m tempted to throw everything away but it would be wasting money we’ve spent buying things for him and he wouldn’t care.
Positive reinforcement doesn’t work. We’ve tried to motivate him by offering rewards/bribes and still nothing. Everything he asks for are things we can’t give him or he can’t do here.
It’s a battle to get him to get him to do anything - get up in the morning, shower, eat, school, homework. It doesn’t matter what you tell him to do - whether it’s positive or not, he ignores it. We can tell him that we’re going to Five Guys Burgers and it’s still the same reaction. I’ve bent over backwards trying to be nice to him, doing special things for him and he does not appreciate anything or even acknowledge it.
Before anyone asks, he is in counseling (he refuses to talk to his counselor) and on an antidepressant but nothing has helped so far and his behavior keeps getting worse and more and more lazy. We’ve been trying to provide a structured environment with rules, responsibilities, chores and rewards to help with his depression, but all SS ignores everything.
I can’t take dealing with him any more. I’ve been trying to disengage but I feel like I shouldn’t. DH’s work schedule is hectic. When he gets finally gets home in the evenings, all he does is deal with his son. We have two biokids together (9 months and 3) and I feel completely overwhelmed and unable to cope with SS’s behavior.
"DH’s work schedule is
"DH’s work schedule is hectic. When he gets finally gets home in the evenings, all he does is deal with his son."
Herein lies the problem...so you can't get him to do what you want him to do, so Dad "deals" with him when he gets home. Dad needs to make more time for him. Just because, not because he earned it. My guess is that his dad splitting his time with you, the babies and THEN him is not working for him, especially if the time he gets him, his dad is "dealing" with him. They need to bond, and you need to step back. YOU (in his eyes) are why he doesn't get his dad as much. So why should YOU tell him what to do? Kids don't want to be bribed or punished, they want to be understood. Look at things from his perspective and think about how it would feel if you were him. Also, I'm not a fan of antidepressants. He's a bit young for that. Dad needs to connect with him.
We have been trying to spend
We have been trying to spend time with him, but he completely refuses to go. If he wanted to go only with his dad, I would let him. There's been times we've scheduled babysitters so we could take SS to a movie and he claimed he felt sick and refused to go. We took him to the aquarium a few weeks ago and he said his head hurt and refused to get out of the car.
DH tried to get him to watch the NCAA basketball tournament with him, but SS stayed in his room. DH has offered to watch hockey with SS, but SS still stays in his room.
DH doesn't have a lot of time but tries to spend time with his son, but SS would rather sulk in his room.
It's also puts us in a difficult situation where SS hasn't done his homework, he hasn't showered, he hasn't cleaned his room, he ignored me and been a jerk, but then he gets rewarded by getting to do things?
We've tried "if you clean up your room, we can go to a movie" but he doesn't clean his room, so why should he get to do something fun with his dad?
I wanted to add also that a
I wanted to add also that a lot of his behavior is typical for 11 yo boys. Choose your battles wisely.
As a stepmom it really
As a stepmom it really shouldn't be up to you to disipline him, but as he lives there full time and you are his primary carer that makes it very difficult you probably don't have much option. Have you tried the opposite of being on his back and getting him to perhaps engage more with the little ones then praise him for taking them off your hands while you did some chore that you would otherwise get him to do. That way he would perhaps feel more like a grown up kid in the family and at least you would feel like you got him to do something. I really don't know. I honestly don't think antidepressents are the answer for an 11 year old, but then I'm not his doctor, but I do think these could be adding to his lethargy and lack of interest. Have you had the dosage checked lately.
I agree you really cannot disengage from an 11 year old particularly one who lives with you full time. You must be exhausted. Perhaps you may have to try turning a blind eye to whatever you can ie: his room, shut the door, I know that would drive me mad, but you may have to just pick your battles, if he hurts the other kids, okay step in, but if he refuses to do his homework, let the teacher deal with it. Try and offload wherever you can. Talk to the teacher first though. If you can share some of the load and dad doesn't have to come home and deal with him it might help. Dad coming home to deal with him every night can't be a motivating thought either for him.
All I can say is share whatever you can between home and school, let the Counseller deal with whatever you can let her deal with, perhaps make a list of things you would like her to take up with him, instead of you and dad having to do all of it, and most importantly, pick your battles and turn a blind eye to whatever you possibly can for your sake not his.
That's a lot of what I'm
That's a lot of what I'm already doing, but my DH is stressed out and thinks I should be doing more. We know SS misses his mom and wants his mom in his life. We get that I can't replace his mom, but DH thinks he might respond better to me. And he's also a little upset that I can't get SS to do even simple things.
SS constantly refuses to come down to dinner. I stopped fighting with him over it since I have to get the little ones feed (9 mos and 3). Instead of arguing with SS, I get them fed and to bed. DH had been getting home late and he then tries to get SS to come down stairs, behave like a considerate person and eat something.
But that means he doesn't have time to read DD a bedtime story.
I'm not sure about the antidepressants either. There are side-effects and we're not sure when he says his head or stomach hurts if it's the medicine or not. His pediatrician says that these are fairly common for kids in his situation. Therapy also isn't helping at all since he's not talking.
BASEBOARDS! my hubby let me
BASEBOARDS! my hubby let me pick the punnishment and I chose scrubbing baseboards. WORKED LIKE A CHARM! Of course he didn't tell sd that it was my idea.
It seems that EVERY age is
It seems that EVERY age is 'difficult' and I agree that you should pick your battles but I would also just ignore alot of what he does or doesn't do and let dad deal with him. It's just too bad that dad is so busy & tired when he gets home...ummm by the way....so are you! I've been in this position with my SS15 for the past 6 years. I have just give him an instruction, I then tell FDH what I've done. If he (SS) chooses to ignore me, I will then say to FDH 'remember i told SS to do XY or Z this morning...well he hasn't done it' and in that way his dad has to get him straight...that is IF he feels like not being a disney daddy.
Good luck
Thanks. I am exhaused and
Thanks. I am exhaused and feeling utterly unappreciated by DH. He wants to pass off a lot of the parenting of his son on me and when he comes home and I give him the list of problems with his son, he gives me an exasperated look.
The real issue is that DH has not a lot more luck getting SS to do things than I do.
I do want to try to get DH to draw the line at a few things that are important and stop him from worrying about a lot of other things. DH is so concerned about grades and getting SS up to grade level in English and Math, and there are bigger issues like the stench from him never showering and not eating.
DH wants to get him to do what he says, I just find work arounds. I put a box of granola bars in SS's room rather than fighting with him to come downstairs to eat. But DH wants to force him to come downstairs and act civilly.
It's probably been 2 weeks since SS has taken a shower and the only option is DH dragging him into the shower and turning it on at this point. SS refuses to do anything his dad says.
Yes, he has dual citizenship,
Yes, he has dual citizenship, but DH won't let him leave the country. He has to agree to it. BM wanted him to stay in the US and finish the school year. This summer, I'm not sure what will happen. Either she decides to stay in Europe or she gets a visa to come back over to the US. The way SS is, it would be silly to fight for custody. That's why DH is in such a rush. If she says in Europe, then we'll be on the hook for a massive increase in CS.
The problem isn't exactly him missing BM, but BM has done a massive job alienating SS from his dad - not just bashing him, but everything in SS's life makes him separate - English is his 3rd language, he's use to illegally streaming soccer games from Europe and he sees his BM's boyfriend as his father. He wants to be a pro-hockey player and there's no hockey rink here. DH and SS used to have a decent relationship despite the high conflict situation between BM and him, but everything in SS's world revolves around BM. Like if he goes to live with BM in Europe, he can go play hockey but he can't here.
It's not an option at this
It's not an option at this point for him to live with his BM. She's staying in her parent's flat and wants him to finish the school year here. This summer things could change. She might get a new visa and return to the US. She might decide to stay there. I'm not sure what will happen.
CS will increase because the cost of living will be higher and if we have to pay for half of an international school there. Plus the cost of airfare for him to visit. BM loves fining every way to squeeze money out of DH.
When a child is on
When a child is on antidepressants, there can sometimes be more damage being done than a person may think. I'm not going to chew you out, I believe you & understand that you are trying everything you can possibly think of. You sound like an amazing person if anything
I have had experience with severe depression at a young age. Here are my fears when I hear kids are on antidepressants & an idea I would like to ask you about. It can affect the development, appetite, chemicals in the brain for that's what they are suppose to do but its not always the correct medicine or dose, & probably more. Than the child turns into a teenager with even more problems. Just for a minute here think of the child like you would if it were your car... If you have an oil leak would you just keep adding oil as a fix? Sure it can stop your engine from seizing up on short trips but on the other hand, could the problem turn into a bigger oil leak in given time? So back to the point, could you or have you maybe tried getting blood work done in case he is for example anemic? I was really low on several vitiams & iron that went undiagnosed for many years. They put me on drugs & I felt worse than one day, my mother just took me to the local GNC store. She told the worker what had been going on, my behavior, attitude, actions, & asked what do you suggest for us to try. I laughed thinking that they all were stupid (enjoyed the attention-shh) & it wasn't going to work. Doctors & my parents had me convinced that I was depressed but it was a health condition if you will. After consistent use of the GNC pills, my mom noticed improvement in my behavior & my energy level increased. I felt like my energy increase.
Ideas if you hadn't already tried them. Keep your SS's school posted about what has/will be going on. Ask to be notified of all behavioral change while he is in school. Ween him off antidepressants (assuming its safe for I'am not a doctor), bring him to the GNC store & they may have you try 5-6 different pills. You could first have blood work done on him than again after he takes vitiams for how many ever weeks & doctors can tell you how long they take before he has a recheck. His dad can wash him down at least every other day in the shower as long as he is wearing a swimsuit. Don't recommend either of you guys chewing SS out on that. Given time, he will get sick of dad washing him & should want to do himself. Try your hardest to not bash SS to his dad but point out something he did that day which you liked. If you have to say something bad about SS then make yourself say two good things about him afterwards. When it feels like there is nothing good to say about SS, it makes it harder to say something bad about him that way
Here is the hard part, the dad has to step up & spend more QUALITY time with his son to help overcome the bashing of himself from the BM to his son. It will take time & hard work.
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I don't like the antidepressants but he has only been on them for a month now and I feel like we have to give it more time to work. The way SS has this all-or-nothing, defeatist attitude, we need all the help we can getting him through this.
If this child has become so
If this child has become so depressed over not being with his mother, then perhaps it is in the best interests of the child to let him be with his mother and DH should consider letting him leave the country. On the surface it seems selfish of DH to keep the child here pining away for his mother to the point of depresson. NOTE: I say on the surface, I have no idea of what exactly is going on, BM may be a raving drug addict for all I know, so, this is just assuming that BM can provide the child with a loving stable home. Surely if CS is an issue even she should in the best intrests of her son accept that she cannot have a large increase in CS. I am assuming that currently you as custodial parents aren't paying any CS and perhaps your financial situation is such that you may not have any money to give her, and I am mindful of the fact that there are two other children to be housed, fed and clothed here too. But if it were my child I would rather forgoe child support completely, and have the child with me it that is were he'/she wanted to be, rather than have my child become so depressed that he is not functioning. Does his BM even know what is going on with him.
I am a bit surprised the therapist has not suggested this, unless of course it has been discussed and there are circumstances other than dad saying no that prevent it. Absolutely not having a go at you, I think that you have been dumped with a load here and having a husband who is working a lot, you are managing it alone. I wish you all the best, and suggesting he go to mum, is just that, a suggestion.
As of now, his BM is in no
As of now, his BM is in no postion to have her son live with her. She doesn't have job or a place to live. Sending him over to stay with her isn't possible.
My boys aren't exactly star
My boys aren't exactly star athletes, but I think it can help a lot of boys to be involved with sports because physical exertion is helpful in making boys and men relax effectively. If my boys or my husband don't get enough exercise or time outdoors, they start getting angry, stressed, and depressed.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Thanks for the suggestion.
We have tried to get SS involved in some sports. We gave him the catalog for our local community rec program that has lots of activities for kids and told him he could do anything - soccer, swimming, basketball, karate, skateboarding, anything. He used to play ice hockey but that's not an option here. We've offered to buy rollerblades. He has a bike and it sits in the garage. I take the 2 little ones to the park a few times a week but he won't go.
He has an absolutely defeatist attitude. If he can't do what he wants, then he won't do anything.
Wow, I feel for you. My SS11
Wow, I feel for you. My SS11 is just starting to lash out on us and I know that this is just the beginning. Mine lives with his BM, who should be deemed unfit. My DH is a semi-Disney dad, and about 80% of the discipline falls on me. I disagree that you shouldn't discipline as a step mom, I say go for it. I think people hear "discipline" and instantly think of spanking kids but that's not the case. I could complain about my SS11 for a half hour straight because he's not with me enough to instill better behavior.
Your SS needs a wake up call. If its the case that he can't be with BM then he needs to understand that this is his life now and he should be using his time to make the best of it rather than sulk about it. I bet you want to just put him in the tub & turn the water on! It sounds like you are trying every avenue you can though. It might be time to just let him be. Maybe after a while (probably a long while)he will come to realize that you have in fact been trying to accommodate him. I don't know what to tell you about him not eating though, but I'd try giving him gummy vitamins or something just so he at least is getting basic nutrition. Both of my step sons hate all food, unless it is from a drive through or overly processed. I made them carrots one night as a veggie with dinner upon their request, and when it was served SS11 said "I like them, but I don't like them cooked this way". Step kids seem to be a never ending battle, which I don't understand because I was and still am a step kid and never gave my parents trouble like kids do now!!!
I'd also maybe think about getting a new therapist. If s/he can't get him to talk then you're wasting your time.
GOOD LUCK
"he needs to understand that
"he needs to understand that this is his life now and he should be using his time to make the best of it" - this is what I've been trying to convince him to do. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade not sulk in your room.
He's all upset that he won't be a pro hockey player since he can't play here but odds are, he wasn't going to be no matter where he was living and it's stupid for him to think that he could. He's not that good to begin with. We've been trying to convince him to find other interests but he won't listen to me. I can be standing at his door talking to him and he rolls over and ignores me. He treats me like I don't exist. It's no different than with the therapist and if we take him to another one, he probably won't talk there either.
I don't know. I'm not a
I don't know. I'm not a professional, but if the drugs aren't working, then is he just doing this to be a little jerk? I don't know. If there's something chemically wrong with his brain, then it's not his fault. But I think it's his personality and attitude towards us are the issue but he's got this label of "depression" that's fixable. His antisocial personality isn't.
I think he enjoys ruining everything for everyone else with his behavior.
A month later, and things
A month later, and things have gotten so much worse. Now SS is venting his anger on kids in his class and has been in trouble at school for hitting a classmate that was teasing him. He is even more withdrawn. I have no hope that this situation is going to get any better. Things just keep getting worse and worse.