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Multicultural Stepfamilies

Invisible Woman's picture

Anyone else dealing with a BM who’s from a difficult culture/country/ethnic background? How much do you let BM’s culture intrude into your home?

It’s been very difficult for us, especially now dealing with SS’s therapist telling us that BM’s culture/language is all that counts, not his dad’s or mine’s and want us to bring more of BM’s culture into our home and suppress our own cultures.

A little background. BM was the custodial parent until about 6 months ago (and BM and DH were never married and broke up prior to SS was born), so he was raised in her home, with her language, food, culture. SS is now living with us full time after his BM had to return to native country when she couldn’t renew her visa. His dad is pretty much average American mutt and my grandmother was from Mexico, but I don’t consider myself Latina but I do cook a lot of Mexican food if you count tacos and burritos.

Getting SS to eat is a challenge. He’s almost 12, this isn’t like a toddler refusing to eat. It’s a control issue. He’s being defiant and refusing to do absolutely anything, even eat. Our pediatrician referred us to a dietitian because he’s lost so much weight and we’re worried about his growth and overall health.

At the dietitian, I get the evil stepmom treatment because when SS was asked what he likes to eat, he listed a bunch of things from his mom’s country that I can’t even spell and he said he doesn’t like my food because he doesn’t like Mexican food and it’s too spicy and he wants food from his BM’s native country. So the dietitian turned to me and made it seem like I’m the problem.

We already tried before being accommodating and took him to specialty grocery store to get food from BM's country, but he through a tantrum about not getting what he wanted and that was a disaster.

But now after the dietitian appointment, I have to email BM and ask her for recipes and try to figure out where to get the ingredients here or I have to tell the dietitian that I'm going to cook what I like, whether SS likes it or not.

Does anyone else do this? Can I call the dietitian crazy and refuse to do it? It’s my home, not BM. I hate her with a passion and the last thing I want to do is serve food to my kids from her native country. And why is it a problem if I fix food from my culture? Shouldn’t he eat what he’s served, liked it or not?

Also, on the language issue, SS is behind in English because BM insisted on him only speaking her native language at home (to preserve her language) and he only learned English every other weekend with his dad until he was in preschool. His therapist wants us to take him to a different therapist who’s from BM’s native country so he can speak his native language in therapy sessions. She also want us to find ways for him to watch tv and movies in his native language and even suggested DH and I taking classes to learn BM’s native language so we can all speak it. (this is getting a big no from me)

But DH gets ignored in all of this. Why do we need to be accommodating of BM’s culture and none of these professionals telling SS that he needs to be more accepting of his Dad’s and my cultures?

I’m pulling out my hair dealing with all of this. SS knows how much DH and I dislike his mom and I swear he’s enjoying making us jump through hoops like this, but I don’t know if I should just go along with this or tell them it’s my home and I’m going to do what I want, not bring more of BM into my home.

Invisible Woman's picture

He's almost 12.

I had been trying the "he'll eventually get hungry and eat" method, but he's lost over 15 lbs since moved in with us and is barely eating anything now. We know he sneaks food after we go to bed, but he won't eat at meals.

He's not just refusing to eat healthy food or veggies. He won't eat hot dogs, chips, pizza, burgers, fries, spaghetti, cookies. Anything. I think the dietitian was confused dealing with a kid who wasn't refusing to eat veggies and what SS wanted is relatively healthy.

Invisible Woman's picture

I have tried in the past to make food from his mom’s country but he’s told me it didn’t taste right and refused to it eat. I’m guessing he’ll do the same thing again.

He’s already been diagnosed with depression and is on antidepressants. His doctor is now trying a different combination of drugs since nothing is working. (I don’t think it’s really depression. I think it’s oppositional defiant disorder but his psychiatrist doesn’t see it since he’s only passively aggressive. )

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Look, unless he has specific special dietary needs (ie lactose intolerant, needs gluten free, etc) your obligation is to serve healthy, balanced, nutritionally complete meals and snacks, and that is IT.

For someone to try to make you cook meals from his native country is absolute babyshit. 2 of my 3 kids are of mixed ethnicity. DH is from California. I am from the deep south of the US. 2 of the BMs are Alaska Native (Aleut), and they eat VERY differently than we do here. Well, the BMs are welcome to serve their traditional foods. In my home, I do the shopping, menu planning, and cooking, hence, we have what I feel like cooking and eating. It's nutritious, balanced, and cooked well.

It's really nice that you are making an effort to do well for this child, but this is not a nutritional issue or a health issue. It's a control issue. Your DH should put his foot down. If the child won't eat a reasonable serving of food at mealtimes, I'd start taking privelages. This little power struggle can stop.

Invisible Woman's picture

The power struggle has escalated to the point he’s not eating. It'd been going on for months.

As soon as we take a privilege away, he doesn’t want it any more. We’ve tried to set up rewards & consequences but his response is to be deadset against things he used to like. He doesn’t play video games, watch tv or do anything much anything other than stay in his room. I have no idea what else we can take away and there’s nothing we can use to motivate or bribe him.

He would rather have nothing and be hungry than do what his dad and I say.

Maneater's picture

OMG he needs a serious ass woo-pen!!! Tell him to get with the great American way or ship his ass to the other country!! I have low tolerance of manipulating children. I mean is he royalty?? Cause he sure as hell sounds like it... All those counselors are stupid all they suggest was for you to take up cooking classes & to get Rosetta Stone. All that does nothing for the child & a bigger problem for you. Get him frozen dinners & sit his ass down & make him read out loud from the english dictionary, when he's in school make him go to tutoring & summer school.

Invisible Woman's picture

I love the reading from the dictionary idea, but right now SS is refusing to speak at all to DH and I so I have no idea how we would get him to do it.

DH wanted to have him do tutoring over the summer but there’s no way we can. He’s been kicked out of every summer daycare program we put him in. It would be a waste of money and time to even try it.

herewegoagain's picture

HMMM...if you are concerned, you might want to check out Finaland's school curriculum. Those kids do better academically and in every other way than kids all over the world. What do they do differently? They promote the language/culture of the child FIRST, then add a second language/culture...it's not until much later than they start introducing other things.

I do believe your therapist has a point to a certain extent, although I do think he needs to get used to something different. But unless YOU have been through this MAJOR change, it's not easy. Going from eating X to eating Y is VERY hard even as an adult. I can promise you that if I moved you to China tomorrow, you would ALSO lose 15 lbs.

Again, I am not saying you have to do EVERYTHING like this child wants, but I do believe that the change must come slowly, especially at that age...much more than if he was 2.

PS - whether you like it or not, kids DO benefit from eating food from other cultures, because it DOES open their minds up...and we DO live in a global economy.

Invisible Woman's picture

Their schools are highly overrated. Trust me, I know wayyyy more about Finland than I ever wanted to.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Not to mention they were the world leaders of teen male suicide rates as recently as 2010.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Hi, IW,
i am in a multi-cultural step family and i used to have a somewhat similar situation with my BS who used to refuse to eat all things that are not 100% American. He just turned 13 and it got a little better. However, it was never to the point of it being a danger to his health. Your situation is more complex. I have to tell you, this is probably not about food, it is about adjustment, and your SS is having an extremely hard time adjusting to his new circumstances. His mom is gone, he knows you hate her, he is behind in English, so he is being defiant and exercising control over what goes into his mouth - the last area he can control, everything else is outside of his power. He has to speak the language that is not his mother tongue, live in a house where his mother is hated, and eat the food that he does not like. It is good that he is in counseling, and i would try to accommodate him even more. He cannot help himself - you can help him. You are not bringing his BM into your home, you are bringing the culture he is comfortable with into it. It is not easy.. i understand the tearing my hair out point, i have been there with my own son who used to be so weird about food.
I believe the food issue will get better once all the other issues get better. He may need to learn to trust you first in order for him to accept your food - or any other food that is not his preference. You got a kid with severe needs. Meeting them is a tall order.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I 100% agree with the above post. It is not about food. It is about the significant change and him trying to adjust.

I am not saying walk on egg shells, but put yourself in his shoes. He was raised a certain way with his mother for 12 years (not his fault). His mother is forced to leave the country and now he lives with his dad, that speaks a different language in the home and eats different foods.

I would almost compare this to adopting a 12 year old Romanian/Russian/Chinese/whatever child. Just be patient and try not to get frustrated.

What country is BM from?

Invisible Woman's picture

I've been reading some articles and forums about foreign adoption and some adoptive parents say it keeps kids from adapting if you let them keep speaking their native language and eating the foods they're used to.

It's not we weren't accomidating at first. It's almost 6 months now and he's using this as a way to manipulate when he's born in the US and was fine before all this happened. And it's his BM's fault she got into legal problems that didn't let her get a permenant visa.

I’ve been worried about BM searching the internet and finding my posts here. So, I’ve never wanted to post where she was from. But its a country in northern Europe and is actually mentioned in a post above.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I lived in Europe for 4 years. The food there is VERY different. I could not adjust to it, especially in the Scandanavian countries. It is definitely an acquired taste. We would vacation in Spain (Islands of Ibiza and Mallorca) and our first trip there was "rough" because it was hotel catering to the "Nords". YUCK YUCK YUCK food was horrible. Thank God they had a snack line with sausages and french fries. After that, we only booked hotels catering to the Brits which were MUCH BETTER.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

That was my point and probably the reason why SS is not eating at her house. The food is very, very different. And if she is making Mexican food even more so.

Invisible Woman's picture

BM speaks fluent English, so SS not learning English properly until he was 4 was her choice. She isn't from a Scandinavian country (it's further east) and it is difficult there as an English speaker. DH has been there when they were dating and it was a struggle for him. Unless you know the country, this will come off as being rude, but people from this country are very, very weird and antisocial.

In a lot of European countries like Denmark, Sweden and the Netherlands, kids learn English in the first grade, but it's not taught until later in BM's country and Swedish is the first foreign language they learn. If SS goes to live with BM, then it's not English he's going to be getting caught up on, it's learning Swedish for no apparent reason, if he goes to public school.

He would then have learned 4 languages by the time he's 13 since he went to a bilingual French school when he was living with BM.

Invisible Woman's picture

SS is also trilingual and tests at grade level in English. The problem is he speaks English like an English language learner and has been placed in special ESL classes. He inverts words, confuses words and gets teased for how he talks. He doesn't fit in at school because he speaks so weirdly. His BM had him at a bilingual school for most of grade school where he was with other Euro ex-pats' kids and he just never learned to talk to kids his age in English.

It putting him at a disadvantage in other classes since he just doesn't know all the words in both languages and there's no support for his native language in our school district which has a lot of Spanish speakers.

DeeDeeTX's picture

I dunno.

Some kids when they are upset will cry, want hugs, and want you to make them feel better. Some kids when they are upset become annoying little shits who take out their upset ness on everyone else.

I know it is tough but do try to remember he is probably being this way because he is so upset.

Why not try some combination of what the therapist suggested? I would say to him, "The therapist suggest we make some of country X's food to help you feel more at home here. On Tuesdays and Saturdays I would like to do that if it would help make you feel at home."

If he doesn't respond, you dont have to keep doing it.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Did she attempt to take the child back to Europe with her?

What is the visitation arrangement now?

Invisible Woman's picture

The short answer: no.

The long answer, BM didn't want to take him with her since she didn't have a place to live and was not planning on staying long term. She wanted to get an new visa and return to the US and to not have to transfer him to schools in her country short term in the middle of the school year.

SS could go visit his BM this summer, but BM has no money and no real place to live (she's been going between her parents one bedroom apartment in a smaller city and her cousin's apartment in a major city). So she doesn't want SS there since she has no place for him to live.

It looks like BM isn't going to get back into the US anytime soon, so long term, I don't know. If DH sent SS over there, then he would likely have to be paying for a place for BM to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and for SS to go to an international school until he got adjusted. Financially we can't afford that.

Plane tickets are incredibly expensive to her native country and it would involve flying from the capital to another city, or flying into another country and taking a boat to where her cousin lives. It's not something we can do for a short visit. BM could try to visit him but she doesn't have any money or a job.

It's even more complicated since BM has a long-time boyfriend who's from another country and her goal was to eventually move to his country and settle down there with him. But he's been transferred by his company out of the US to Asia.

Invisible Woman's picture

It's absolutely a control issue and even when I have made stuff from his BM's country or a lot of non-spicy foods like meatloaf and mashed potatoes he still doesn't eat it. But he turns down burgers and fries too and anything else. We haven't been catering to him and when we eat out, he refuses to eat. He's been doing this for months. It's awkward sitting at a table in a restaurant trying to feed our two younger kids and SS isn't eating. Waitresses will ask if he wants something else and he shrugs and won't say anything.

I want to stand my ground on this and starve him out, but I don't know how successful that will be. There's a box of Nutragrain bars I put in his room a month ago still sitting there. He hasn't touched them even when he hasn't eaten a thing all day.

It's entirely a passive aggressive thing. He enjoys saying no to us and not doing what we want, even if it means he's going hungry. But he can spin things to his doctors that make it all my fault and make me look bad. It's so embarrassing having all these professionals thinking I'm a bad mother. I wish I didn't take him to our pediatrian since I don't want him judging me on my parenting skills based on SS's problems.

Invisible Woman's picture

Thanks. I hate letting him jerk me around like this and I'm sure as soon as I do make what he wants and he still doesn't eat it, he'll come up with some other excuse as to why (it's not how his mom makes it probably).

He already is seeing a psychiatrist and is on antidepressants, which can decrease appetite in some people. But how can his doctors figure out it's the medicine if he's blaming my spicy food? I can't wait for everyone to finally figure out this kid is the problem and stop blaming me.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Your DH needs to get BM engaged more in this. I understand the situation is difficult what with time differences, BM's lack of permanent residence, etc. But is she communicating daily with her son? If not, why not? E-mail is easy. I

This has nothing to do with cuisine - it is his silent cry for help. This kid has been abandoned - that's his fundamental problem. He's lost his mother, his mother-tongue, his culture and his bearings. And you certainly didn't do it, so the therapists need to stop using you as the "red herring" and lay off you. His mother left him - even if it was beyond her control. And your SS knows it.

Is there any kind of culture club, church or organization in your area which has people who might be able to help? Maybe an elderly person who speaks that language, understands the culture and can kind of act like a surrogate grandparent? Your DH needs to step up and try and find solutions that may be more than therapists and prescriptions - even if they may take longer or are time-consuming.

Invisible Woman's picture

BM being in contact with SS has been highly disruptive. We have arranged for a weekly Skype call (assuming BM can find a computer) but SS has been refusing to talk to his BM the past few weeks).

It's difficult with the time difference to arrange phone calls. SS had been sneaking around in the middle of the night calling his BM or trying to find her. He ran up hundreds of dollars of phone bills calling internationally. We don't let him anywhere near the phone now to stop him.

BM is not helping the situation so having contact with her is not helpful, especially since she uses every opportunity to bash DH and I and has not told SS to knock it off and behave here.

SS is not allowed to use the computer. If he wanted to earn computer time as a priviledge to have monitored contact with BM, he could. We have set up ways for him to earn "tech minutes" to play games, internet time, whatever and he chooses not to do any of the tasks to earn them (picking up his room, showering, being respectful, and so on). We've made it braindead easy for him to earn priviledges and he refuses to do any of it.

My parents are very involved in my kids' lives and have tried to help SS. I don't want to take him to a community group for his BM's country since all it means his him getting his way of avoiding doing anything with his father or I and our family. My parents would love to be surrogate grandparents to him but he's been mean, nasty and horrible to them after they've gone out of their ways over and over again to be nice to him.