Help me please...SD so hateful
Hi there....new to this forum but i really need the opportunity to bounce some feelings off of some of you ..... maybe even gain some good advice... I really dont know...
I'm 42 and became stepdad to my Partners 5 kids 7 years ago. When their Mum and me started our relationship the Youngest was 10 and the eldest 17 years old.
I jumped in with both feet, attending parents evenings whilst they were at school and college, Helped with homework, arranged holidays together..etc...etc
At the start i seemed to have a good relationship with all five of the kids, yes like most step parents i have had the odd ' i hate you, you arent my dad' incident but all in all i do feel that i have a good respectful relationship with four of the kids.
Its the second youngest that really is the problem, it seems that after her Mum and me had been together for about a year or so the second youngest decided that she hated me. She is now 19 years old, and i worry deeply that her anger and behaviour issues are going to cause her problems once she leaves home.
Where it came from i really dont know, she was diagnosed with ADHD before i was on the scene but refused to take any medication or work with the doctor on coping mechanisms. ( personally i dont think that ADHD is the correct diagnoses, i am not a doctor but have worked as a social worker and currently work as a Teacher, so i have worked with ADHD, ASP and ESBD kids on many occassions very successfully )
I am sure this doesnt sound to drastic so far , and maybe it isnt but if i relate a few incidents, maybe you can advise me whether this is par for the course or rather unusual....
My Partner, her mother , has always been very protective of her kids, understandable bringing up 5 kids alone, sometimes this protectiveness has caused issues in itself, for example..my partner has always expected the kids to help around the house, clearing up after lunch, helping with the tidying but if i ever gently remind any of the kids, my partner will immediately switch into protective mode and accuse me of picking on the kids...thats probably fairly usual for most stepparents..
The only thing is at that point the kids would take this as a cue to get the job done, all except for the second youngest who would take it as a cue to start being verbally abusive to myself, really strong swearing and hatefilled comments, normally along the lines of i wasnt welcome in the house and everyone hated me etc... to start with i just accepted these comments as being from a teenager angry with the world, and would normally calmly ask her to please not use such bad language as its not really necessary, this wouldnt ever placate her, if the mum also asked her to calm down then she would become abusive to her, accussing her of taking sides and how dare she take sides against her own daughter.
Obviously later my partner would have a go at me for annoying the second youngest.
But there are also times when the second Youngest can also become physical both Violent and destructive. on one ( of many ) occassion holding a knife to my throat because i asked her to apologise to her Mother for swearing at her and wishing her dead. Over the seven years i have been kicked, punched, had furniture thrown at me , clothes cut up , property broken etc all by the second youngest daughter....
I have noticed that my partner behaves slightly differently around this particualr daughter, slightly less relaxed almost waiting/expecting her next flip out at any moment.
Today she flipped out again both at me and her mother, swearing wishing that i would drop dead, then screaming to her mum 'when he leaves you ...i'll still be around so dont you dare take his F*ing side' This tirade of abuse and anger went on for about an hour and a half ..Why you may ask ..What major crime had i done...oh yes you guessed it ..all aimed at me... What had i done ...
I Trimmed my springer spaniels Saddle and Chest Hair and i mean trimmed just took about 2-3 cm off in these areas, where it was a bit thick and long , so why the drama ..she feels that i was trying to get at her in some way and spoil the fact that she has booked him in for a clip at the end of May.
I tried to explain to her that all i was doing was trimming the chest and saddle to stop him getting hot, and he could still go and get the clipper cut at the end of may ..but she wasnt interested in talking/shouting to me, apart from wishing me dead etc...
Because my partner is uber protective of her children it is very difficult to talk to her about what is going on with this particular daughter, about how we can tackle these extreme anger outburst and issues that she has. To be Honest I just feel that i have spent seven Years wading through treacle with this SD, bending over backwards to keep her happy and form some sort of relationship, but the constant outbursts and aggressive behaviour is really pulling me apart emotionally and placing a strain on my relationship with her mother.
Her attitude toward others is very Negative although not overtly aggressive apart from with myself. I dont think i have ever heard her pass a pleasant comment about anyone, whether a local person or someone from the world at large, but as i have said before i am concerned that her behaviour is going to cause problems for her once she has left home.
Any help advice on how to broach the subject with my Partner would be useful..any general comments gratefully recieved
Cheers for letting me vent a bit ...:-)