You are here

Help me please...SD so hateful

alicat69's picture

Hi to this forum but i really need the opportunity to bounce some feelings off of some of you ..... maybe even gain some good advice... I really dont know...

I'm 42 and became stepdad to my Partners 5 kids 7 years ago. When their Mum and me started our relationship the Youngest was 10 and the eldest 17 years old.

I jumped in with both feet, attending parents evenings whilst they were at school and college, Helped with homework, arranged holidays together..etc...etc

At the start i seemed to have a good relationship with all five of the kids, yes like most step parents i have had the odd ' i hate you, you arent my dad' incident but all in all i do feel that i have a good respectful relationship with four of the kids.

Its the second youngest that really is the problem, it seems that after her Mum and me had been together for about a year or so the second youngest decided that she hated me. She is now 19 years old, and i worry deeply that her anger and behaviour issues are going to cause her problems once she leaves home.

Where it came from i really dont know, she was diagnosed with ADHD before i was on the scene but refused to take any medication or work with the doctor on coping mechanisms. ( personally i dont think that ADHD is the correct diagnoses, i am not a doctor but have worked as a social worker and currently work as a Teacher, so i have worked with ADHD, ASP and ESBD kids on many occassions very successfully )

I am sure this doesnt sound to drastic so far , and maybe it isnt but if i relate a few incidents, maybe you can advise me whether this is par for the course or rather unusual....

My Partner, her mother , has always been very protective of her kids, understandable bringing up 5 kids alone, sometimes this protectiveness has caused issues in itself, for partner has always expected the kids to help around the house, clearing up after lunch, helping with the tidying but if i ever gently remind any of the kids, my partner will immediately switch into protective mode and accuse me of picking on the kids...thats probably fairly usual for most stepparents..
The only thing is at that point the kids would take this as a cue to get the job done, all except for the second youngest who would take it as a cue to start being verbally abusive to myself, really strong swearing and hatefilled comments, normally along the lines of i wasnt welcome in the house and everyone hated me etc... to start with i just accepted these comments as being from a teenager angry with the world, and would normally calmly ask her to please not use such bad language as its not really necessary, this wouldnt ever placate her, if the mum also asked her to calm down then she would become abusive to her, accussing her of taking sides and how dare she take sides against her own daughter.

Obviously later my partner would have a go at me for annoying the second youngest.

But there are also times when the second Youngest can also become physical both Violent and destructive. on one ( of many ) occassion holding a knife to my throat because i asked her to apologise to her Mother for swearing at her and wishing her dead. Over the seven years i have been kicked, punched, had furniture thrown at me , clothes cut up , property broken etc all by the second youngest daughter....

I have noticed that my partner behaves slightly differently around this particualr daughter, slightly less relaxed almost waiting/expecting her next flip out at any moment.

Today she flipped out again both at me and her mother, swearing wishing that i would drop dead, then screaming to her mum 'when he leaves you ...i'll still be around so dont you dare take his F*ing side' This tirade of abuse and anger went on for about an hour and a half ..Why you may ask ..What major crime had i done...oh yes you guessed it ..all aimed at me... What had i done ...

I Trimmed my springer spaniels Saddle and Chest Hair and i mean trimmed just took about 2-3 cm off in these areas, where it was a bit thick and long , so why the drama ..she feels that i was trying to get at her in some way and spoil the fact that she has booked him in for a clip at the end of May.

I tried to explain to her that all i was doing was trimming the chest and saddle to stop him getting hot, and he could still go and get the clipper cut at the end of may ..but she wasnt interested in talking/shouting to me, apart from wishing me dead etc...

Because my partner is uber protective of her children it is very difficult to talk to her about what is going on with this particular daughter, about how we can tackle these extreme anger outburst and issues that she has. To be Honest I just feel that i have spent seven Years wading through treacle with this SD, bending over backwards to keep her happy and form some sort of relationship, but the constant outbursts and aggressive behaviour is really pulling me apart emotionally and placing a strain on my relationship with her mother.

Her attitude toward others is very Negative although not overtly aggressive apart from with myself. I dont think i have ever heard her pass a pleasant comment about anyone, whether a local person or someone from the world at large, but as i have said before i am concerned that her behaviour is going to cause problems for her once she has left home.

Any help advice on how to broach the subject with my Partner would be useful..any general comments gratefully recieved

Cheers for letting me vent a bit ...:-)

emotionaly beat up's picture

She is 19 put her and her mother on notice. Next time she is abusive with you or destroys your property given mum is unable to control her you will call the police and do it. It would appear that both you and her mother have treated this child differently for many years and she is either suffering some sort of mental illness or she is just a pathetic spoilt little brat, guess only you know the answer to that. However, your marriage is in trouble or you wouldn't be here, so you really do not have much to lose now by laying your cards on the table and letting mum and SD know enough is enough you will not put up with this again and the police will be called. A knife to your throat, really why is she still there, why were the police not called, why was she not told get treatment or get out, what was your wife doing supporting that sort of behaviour, because really that is what she did when she allowed that girl to continue living there without any consequenses for putting a knife to your throat. As far as flipping out over the dog issue, well as of now, your dog, your decision and YOU take the dog for clipping, you need to change her attitude towards SD before she will change hers towards you. She gives you all this grief, she puts a knife to your throat and you are allowing her to take your dog to be clipped, disengage from this woman now, because if you continue to put up with it, she will continue to do it. Maybe as a child she was trying to break up this marriage just because she was a jealous little girl, but maybe she has been doing it so long she doesn't even know why she is doing it, but her comments "when he leaves you I will still be here" to her mother indicate that she has been planning the demise of your marriage for so long that it is just a habit now.

simifan's picture

She is 19 & an ADULT. If you and your wife can't be treated with respect, she needs to leave your home. Your problem isn't the daughter - it's mom who is allowing her to do this. Maybe couple's counseling, but honestly I would not live with anyone who was violent towards me.

alicat69's picture

Thankyou for your comments, its nice to know that i am not alone in thinking this sort of behaviour is unacceptable..

@emotionaly beat up i was writting the comment about the things SD says about me and her mum splitting did dawn on me that maybe the SD, once she realised i was sticking around was trying ( intentionally or unintentionally ) to split us up, maybe as a safety mechanism to stop herself getting emotionally hurt or attached...sort of ' if i hate him, then when he leaves it wont hurt me' the only thing is she obviously cant see that her behaviour and attitude is creating a self fulfilling prophesey...

Woke up this morn to find the ipad charging lead broken and the case of the ipad dented in on the top corner..luckily still works

SD denies any knowledge of how this happened

SD has now gone to stay with her sister....this wasnt at our suggestion. SD spent the morning stomping round the house loudly packing things away, when she left didnt speak to her mother but just walked away.

Partner is now very quiet and moody as she thinks that she will never be allowed to see the SD 3 month old son again. The SD has already fallen out with the fathers family and makes it very difficult for them to have any contact with her baby. The fathers parents are both deaf and communicate through sign language, but SD refuses to see them so that they can work things out.
Although my partner is being calm with me, she has told me she blames me for this incident and the possibillity of not seeing her grandson again....

Cheers once again

emotionaly beat up's picture

Alicat69, Boottuff has a point, and now SD is gone, it is YOUR FAULT according to your DW. You really do need to let your DW know it is her parenting style that turned this young woman into the selfish self centred spoilt brat that she has become, and none of that is YOUR fault it is DW's fault primarily, and that the only part you played in turning this girl into a brat was by not standing up to DW and by sticking around while she destroyed her own daughter.

SD has moved out but it would appear the problems are still there, so, perhaps now you will see that the real root of your problems in that home is DW. If you do not want this situation with DW to deteriate to the level things were with SD in the home then you are going to have to act differently - you are going to have to speak up, and you can do that by telling DW, that her daughter has turned into the kind of young woman who is so selfish and self absorbed that she is willing to deny her own child access to his grandparents because of HER and the way SHE brought this woman up and that if DW had been a proper parent then perhaps she would not have found herself in this situation. She taught her daughter that if she tantrumed she would get her own way, and that you were not allowed to parent this child in anyway in fact your DW ganged up against you with this girl so no DW has to live with the consequences. You may do well to tell DW is she is so unhappy, go and live with SD. Because if you sit there, say nothing and take this attitude from DW you are going to lose her anyway, best you try and do something here to change the dynamic in that home. You do actually need to do as bootuff suggests and stop taking the blame, stop being the punching bag in that house, man up and let DW know the days of you sitting back taking the crap are over. If you don't jump in here today, if you sit back and hope that in a couple of days DW will get over it, so if you say nothing it will all go away, you will find yourself out in the street. This will not just go away, and you need to change the way you have been handling things. DW cannot respect you if you do not respect yourself.