Hi dodgegal05, I have been turning over leaving in my head for approx 18 months now. I banned my 29 year old SD from my home last August, and am waiting to see just where this finishes up. My husband obviously is not happy, and I am giving him some time to grieve. So I cannot see myself leaving this side of Christmas. I turn 60 on the 1st August next year and have no intention of living in misery into my 60's so fingers crossed all will be well, but as of August this year I made a decision that MY HAPPINESS is just as important as MY HUSBANDS.

To answer yur question, I find that because I have, and am, still giving myself time to work this through in my head the feelings of resentment towards the step kids is fast waining, the bm was never a problem, so there is no resentment there. I feel at the moment that the only resentment I really still have is towards my husband as he allowed the situation to become so bad I had to ban his daughter from our home. He had all the power, he could have prevented all of the trouble she caused, and stopped all of the disrespect she showed me, but he sat back and did nothing. Except blame me for her bad behaviour. If I only just ignored her crap and everything she said and did to me, and him, then there would not be a problem....that was what my husband said to me. So my resentment really is towards him, but thay is something I think will also go in time, as long as work it through BEFORE I leave. I want to leave with inner peace, not anger and resentment should it come to that.

Yes the Stepbrats will think they WON, but really, you know better. In my own case I know my SD would be gloating and rapt and yes think SHE WON, but I also know better. What did she win, a puppet to do her bidding, good luck to her. She cannot love a puppet and the puppet cannot love her. My husband is really going to be one of those people who didn't know what they had till it was gone, and he will suffer for that, then he will take it out on her, because he always likes to remain blameless, so he will blame her. They will fight, their relationship will be even worse than it is now, and instead of making me miserable till the grave, he will be making her miserable. So let them think what they like. In my mind I am the winner whichever way this turns out. If my husband settles down and accepts that his children have no respect for him let alone me, and learns to live with this great, if he does not and I leave, great. Either way I will be happy, regret and resentment free because I have told him what I am thinking, he knows exactly how I feel so there will be no guilt for me when I leave, and the resentment towards him I am working on now so I think if it comes to me leaving, I will be fine - regret and resentment free. Good Luck. Take your time, and think it through for yourself don't worry about the step brats.

I can see it both ways --

The skids/ex/whomever will think they "won" because you're gone.

However, your leaving means they get a breather for a while - meaning until their dad might start seeing someone else -- then they have to fight the "good fight" (said sarcastically of course) all over again. For them, it will be a viscious cycle, woman comes into their dad's life, they make life hell for her and find solace in the fact that dad doesn't do a damned thing to stop it, woman leaves. Rinse, wring, use again. And maybe, just maybe, daddy will see that it wasn't YOU because here it is happening to yet another woman. And if he thinks he just keeps choosing the same type of woman over and over again (one who doesn't get along with his kids), then 1. he's fooling himself, and 2. that's the prize he gets to live with and it serves him right.

For you, after you get past that period of "maybe I shouldn't have", and "I miss him so much" you'll realize that you are in fact the one who actually won because you CHOSE to leave (versus staying in that hot mess), and from here on out you CHOOSE your relationships. And, if you decide to pursue another relationship down the line, you'll know what to look for, the flags, the signs that tell you to stay, or scream at you to go.

yes it's tough because human beings find it very difficult to admit defeat. But in this case, you have to take a very close look and determine for yourself what the definition of "defeat" really is.

To me, "NO MORE DRAMA" is a win. Go Me.

I feel like Emotionally Beat Up. I had been on/off with my exbf for about a year and a half with a final split earlier this year.

I am trying very hard to get past my feelings of disappointment, anger, resentment, and sadness but it is extremely difficult. I moved for this man and left a well-paying job for him, with my kids, only to find out he was unwilling/unable to make any changes to start a new life with me. The decisions we should have made as two adult partners were at the mercy of his mother, his daughter, and his ex wife. Instead of putting his partner and best friend first I was made second to three other women. Now that I am out I am also angry that I allowed myself to be in a situation where I felt like the "other woman" instead of the precious and special woman I know I am.

I do have anger towards BM, since she was a huge factor in our breakup...it stings even more that she herself got married to the guy she screwed around with during her marriage to my exbf. I don't really feel any resentment towards SD anymore though, because she is a child and she did the stuff she did because she has two lax parents and an overindulgent grandmother that didn't keep her in check. The adults in her life are to blame, not SD...she is just a child.

Mainly I am angry at exbf and at myself. Being with exbf has set me back in my career and with my finances. During the stress of my exbf I lost my job and was unemployed for two years and had to change fields and took a huge salary reduction. I'm also now in a town where I don't really know many people (trying to change that) or have any family. I can't move because both of my children are in high school and I'm trying to provide stability for them.

I occasionally fantasize about telling exbf how I really feel...that I am so angry that he didn't protect our relationship from the bullshit in his life, that I am so angry he didn't put me first as a man should the woman in his life, that I am angry he told me he didn't think having children together would be good because "it wouldn't be good for SD".

We had something really special and he pissed it away. I'm not sure I'm going to really get over it, even though I am the one who ended things. How many times can you believe in someone only to have the relationship fail? I sure don't want to spend my life alone but I'm so scared I might not be able to "go there" again.

He's already on his way, is on Match.com. Funny, it's almost like he used our relationship to work through all of his own personal issues with himself, SD, BM, and his "mommy". I'm guessing like most men he won't skip a beat and will be onto the next woman any time now!

By the way, I do feel sad that his actions trashed what we had but I have zero regrets regarding leaving. I'm pretty sad and lonely but I tried for a very long time to make something feel right that felt wrong to me. He is a wonderful, sweet person but I know I deserve more...I need a man who is strong enough to put me first vs. being codependent, I need a man who is secure financially, I want a man who is secure in himself and can be a MAN. I know people who are divorced with children are not baggage-free...that is not what I am expecting. What I DO expect is that a man manages his baggage and deals with it in a healthy vs. codependent way and doesn't expect ME to always take one for the team. Hell no! I live a pretty drama-free life and have my shit together and I deserve nothing less than the same in a man.

I'm glad the only stuff I have to deal with now is my own stuff...what a relief.

Wow Alexandra - I love how you put that. I also have my stuff together. I am financially secure, have a great daughter and am almost drama free. DH on the other hand has SO much baggage that I tried to help him work through it completely burned me out. I told him to leave about two weeks ago now and I feel GREAT! No more worrying about money for vacations for 6 people - its just me and my daughter, no more bullshit with the BM, no more driving the Skids all over the place, no more cleaning up after them, buying them things, hearing about all thier issues (which are CONSTANT since neither of the parents is stable).

DH is lobbying to come back into my life. My conditions are that we get an amicable divorce so I am not liable for his bad financial decisions anymore, he pays me a certain amount towards my house each month, and I don't do ANYTHING to help him financially or with his kids. Basically, we are in a relationship but without any of the obligations that I've been drowning in being married to him. It feels GREAT. Skids are already trying to get him to come back to living near them (an hour from our house) and I told him that was fine - his decision. He made it very clear that he doesn't want to go back there and that I am his family. I may decide to go through with this latest plan, may not. Either way, I don't care what the skids or BM say - they are already feeling the effects of not having a stable person around to take care of everything for them.

Honey, who cares what these people think - they are certainly not worried about you??!!

If they no longer have a place in your life, please do not allow them space in your head.

They can think the sky is orange all day long - doesn't make it true!!!!!! HUGS