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Want to be friends, but...

smallfry83's picture

Just let me say before hand, I am sorry this is so long... But I felt like I needed to explain the best I could.

I want to be friends with my fiance's ex-wife, but I'm finding it very hard to bring myself to even talking to her.
For one thing, she has it in her head that I spanked SS4. I have never spanked him and I won't. I don't feel that is my place. I have made it clear to his father that the extent of any disciplining I do would be time-out, take away a privilege, stuff like that.
The first words out of her mouth when she spoke to me on the phone were "I haven't met you, but I have heard you spanked my son and he doesn't like you. If you ever raise a hand to my child, I'll have you in court. Just so you know." For clarification, he would not listen when he was told to put his toy up so we could leave and I reminded him that his daddy had told him that if he didn't listen like a big boy, he would get a spanking (we had been having a problem with him not listening). That's all I said to this child, but if you make him do something he doesn't want to do (eat his dinner, take a bath, got to bed, etc.) he "doesn't like you." He's told me on a few occassions that "Mommy says we don't like you." And you can pretty much get any answer you want out of this child, all you have to do is poke and prod for the right answer and ask a question that confuses him. Eventually, he will tell you that the sky is purple and he is supposed to wear socks on his ears. But, I suppose he really doesn't like me. He is always coming home from daycare and telling his daddy that he colored a picture for me. He always wants to play with ME or help me fix breakfast on the weekends. He's like my little shadow when he's with us. So, it's OBVIOUS, he hates me. LOL
Another thing, everytime she calls my fiance, she's always complaining about something. About how my fiance doesn't take care of SS4, he hates coming to our house, how she shouldn't have to do anything while my fiance has to bow to her every need, and he needs to pay her more money. She says she wants "transparency" between the two of them when it comes to SS4. But she just wants to be nosey. She wants my fiance to tell her EVERYTHING about his life and me. I just want to remind her that she had been practically living with her new husband for a few months, then introduced him to my fiance last October as her fiance (their divorce was not final until January of this year), she got pregnant in February (did not mention it to my fiance until around the end of June), and got re-married around the middle of June which she never mentioned until my fiance referred to the guy she married as her fiance (this was around the middle of July).
I don't have any problem talking to her or being friendly to her, but all I hear between she and my fiance is bickering. I don't want to deal with someone like that.
I have had to have chemotherapy and radiation treatment for a brain tumor (thankfully it's benign and shrinking Smile ), so my life has been stressful enough over the past year. Her attitude doesn't help. We don't talk about my condition around SS4, because I think he is too young to understand and based on her reaction to him telling her that I had to go to the hospital, I don't want her knowing my business. (While on one type of chemo, it was hard to keep most food down. I got sick and vomitted one night after eating. He asked what was wrong and I told him I ate too much. I had a doctor appointment the next day, so he told her that I ate too much and had to go to the hospital. She made the comment that she was questioning my mental stability now because of what a 3yr old -at the time- had told her.)
Oh, and I received a message on Facebook from both her and her best friend about a month or so ago, telling me that I have no connection to HER son, that SHE is his mother. All of this because I had listed him on my Facebook page as my son (when I listed it, there was no Step-Son option). Her friend told me I was psycho and had a "Single White Female" issue and that if I wanted to avoid any problems, I would remove it. Both very hateful. I didn't respond to either of them, because that to me is childish and I don't need to give her the satisfaction.
I don't know what to do. I told my fiance that I want to clear the air with her and TRY to be friends (or at least civil). I even thought about buying her a gift for her new baby.
Can anyone give me any advice? I'm at my wits end here. Sad

mommy123's picture

Yeah i have to agree once a jealous hoe, always a jealous hoe. Trust me, youtube the song mary j blidge-work that. Listen to what she say in her song. My SD mother keep reinterating that she is her mother, after 8 years. Duh, like we dont know this. But think about it she is threatened, and insecure. Dont worry about a relationship, if you do form one believe me it wont be real

oneoffour's picture

Yes, being friends would make life more tolerable and easy. However this is unlikely to happen so just ignore her. I am sure she will find a million reasons to hate you and not one reason to like you. Well she lost your fiancee and she lost some time with her son. And this makes her jealous despite being remarried.

I bet her son comes home with LOTS of fun stuff the 2 of you have done hence her reiterating her position. However, yes FB has no stepson detail and I would be as pissed as hell if the fiancee of my ex posted herself as his mother ... I mean you aren't even married yet and laying claim to HER son. That being said, does her DH list himself as his father? Just something to check. Because if she posts pics of her son and his StepDad as his 'son' then I would continue as you are. And maybe FB will up their game and include a stepson/daughter status because I will not post my relationship to my s/son until it happens.

Don't tell the little boy he will get a spanking when his dad gets home. That is VERY scary and may cause him to fear his father. Just saying.

smallfry83's picture

I don't know about her husband's FB... They both have their's private, so I can't see anything on them. I honestly didn't realize that SS4s listing on my FB was public (I had forgotten to double check that it was private - that was my fault).
I understand if she was upset over it, but I feel that she could have handled it a little better than she AND her best friend sending me nasty little emails.
Thankfully, FB recently added a lot of relationships to their list, so stepchildren, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are on there.
And just to clarify, his dad was standing right beside me when I reminded him that he would get a spanking if he didn't listen. I understand what you are saying though, I would never want to do anything like that.

oneoffour's picture

Well then if your fiance was right beside you, you go girl.

She sounds very pissy and will complain about anything including that you breathe out and in and not in and out.

Just ignore her questioning or her comments. Your fiance should just print out the info and ignore it unless it is pertaining to their son and his immediate care.

And may your continuing therpay end very soon and you can get some 'normal' in your life.

smallfry83's picture

Oh, and I forgot to add that SS4 has told his daddy that BMs husband "hit him on his butt." (I'm assuming that means he spanked him. But she made it clear to me in no uncertain terms that she and my fiance are the ONLY 2 people who will ever spank HER son if he needs it.
And although we live together as a family and I am engaged to his father, I cannot refer to SS4 as my step-son because I am not married. She is such a hipocrit. Her mother and her boyfriend have been dating/living together for over 10years and BM refers to him as her step-father.
I'm so upset over this whole situation because I always try to get along with everyone. I wanted to have the type of relationship with her that my cousin's mom and step-mom have. They get along great, have birthdays and holidays together, even babysit each other's other kids. Maybe it will get better (they HATED each other at first), but I dunno.
At this point, I don't feel like anything like that will ever happen.
My fiance tells me not to worry about her or this situation because I have enough to deal with and we should concentrate on our lives and the time that SS4 is with us. I agree, but she is a part of our lives (whether I want her to be or not) because of SS4. And it absolutely kills me that we can't be friends/civil. Sad

Jsmom's picture

Do not bother. You can not be friends with crazy. Everyone of us has tried and had our hand slapped. Learn from us and do not do this. It doesn't work if they already are doing things like this. Usually it just escalates. Leave all communication with DH.