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Who is out of line, me or him?

missbrandy1229's picture

Ok, I am in need of some advice. Before I get down to my current problem, let me give you some background. I am engaged to a man who as two children and a very controlling ex. I have a son, and my sons BF isn't in the picture. My son is almost 3 years old and my fiance has been his "dad" since he was 4 months old.
In the course of our relationship, the majority of our problems have been because of his ex wife. I am not blaming her for all of our problems, I am just saying that 9 times out of 10 the drama that we have in our relationship stems from something that she has done or said. For example she makes comments to the children that contradicts any and everything that I say trying to make me look bad in the kids' eyes. The children who are aged 6 and 10 still suck their thumbs, and we have tried everything in our power to get them to stop, but she allows them to do it because she is in her 30's and still sucks her thumb. She tells the kids to tell us when we tell them to stop sucking their thumbs that they will quit sucking their thumbs when we stop smoking.
She has even threatened to TRY to have me put in jail for discipling the six year for doing a head stand on the couch and almost knocking a large picture on his head. I would never do anything to physically harm those babies, and she knows that, she just doesn't like the fact that my fiance gave me permission to discipline the children. NOW before I get all the comments from people who don't believe in spanking their children let me just say this. It is not illegal in the state that I live to spank your children on their butts as long as you don't leave bruises or welps. I respect that some people don't like spanking, but it I chose to impliment it in my house. Please refrain from leaving comments about child abuse, because I don't abuse any child. There is a huge difference in abuse and spanking. I repect your choice, please respect mine. Now, if the ex didn't believe in spanking, I would absolutely respect that, BUT she does. She spanks the kids and allows her mother to spank the kids, her sister, her brother in law, my fiance's brother and my fiance and never had a bad word to say, but when I spanked him for doing something that could actually hurt him, she flips out and threatens to have me arrested(For the record, the spanking consisted of ONE pat on the butt and a scolding. His football coach hits him harder on the butt, but it hurt his feelings because he was in trouble.)
So long story short, we have had issues and I really don't like this woman but I remain civil for the kids sake. This brings me to my problem. My fiance's best friend is the husband of her sister. Before we had all the drama that we have had, I never really felt comfortable around them. Especially when they start talking about the ex. I never say anything just because I know that is her sister and brother in law, and even though they are talking bad about her, if I were to say something it would get right back to her and cause problems. It irks me when her brother in law sits there and talks about how he can't stand her and the very next day is on her facebook acting like the are best friends. I have tried to warn my fiance that they are two faced, but he refuses to see it. Well recently the brother in law as started making rude comments to me on facebook, but he colors them with humor so they can be chalked up as a joke if I were to complain. He has went as far as to call me trailer trash. I showed the comments to my fiance and he just shrugs them off saying that he is just joking. Well it bothers me. I know he isn't joking, he and his wife don't like me because the ex doesn't like me.
Well they invited us to go out with them to bars for his birthday party and the ex was also invited. I told my fiance that I wasn't comfortable going, especially to a bar where the would be drinking. Nothing good would come of it. I also said that I would rather him not go because I am not comfortable with him going out drinking with his ex wife. She has voiced plenty of times in the past that she doesn't want him with me and Lord only knows what she would try if I am not there and there is alcohol involved. My fiance asked me if I was trying to make him chose between me and his friends. I told him that was not what I was trying to do. I don't mind if he goes out with his other friends at all, it is just this particular group of "friends" that I would rather not see him go out with. I personally think that it is a no brainer. If he didn't feel comfortable around someone, I would force him to hang out with them and then if he refused, I wouldn't leave him at home while I went out with them, especially if it happened to be my ex that absolutely hates him. Well he went out with them any how and left me at home because I didn't want to go.
Is it just me, or is this extremely wrong? Am I wrong for not wanting him to go out with these people? I try very hard to not be a jealous person and I do trust him. But I don't trust her and I don't trust alcohol. Am I overthinking things or does anyone else see a problem with this???

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

This is a huge problem. I can't believe he thought it was ok to go to the bar with his ex!!! What a pos. Sorry.. And you r completely right about his friends... They would totally tell the ex anything u said about her. Who is your DH kidding??? My advice... Let him figure out on his own that they r back stabbers. Tell him u r ok with him hanging out with them but not when his ex is there and keep it to a minimum. Also the first thing I would do is call up SN ex of mine and go out with him and a few friends to a bar. Is your DH at the bar right now? If so leave n go out. Tell him ur going out with friends and later when u r back home, tell him EXACTLY who you were with. Infact you don't even have to actually go out with your ex, just go out and say "I went out with some friends and you know Danny my ex?? It was just as friends tho, u know like when u went out with your bestfriend, your baby momma, her sister, ect. I thought you would be ok with it since you thought it was ok for you even tho I expressed how much I didn't want you to but you did it anyways, so what's the problem??" Bet you he Shits bricks... Let me know what happens.

missbrandy1229's picture

Yes, he is out right now. I would love to be able to go out, but I have my little boy with me. It is 2am where I am and he has been out with them since about 7:30pm. I am so frustrated. I would never ever go out with one of my ex's ESPECIALLY with drinking involved because the best intentions are lost when alcohol takes over. People do stupid shit when they are drinking especially if they are being influenced by people who would love nothing more than to see something happen that would split us up. OH, and I forgot to mention that the sister and brother in law had an open relationship for a while and allowed each other to see other people!!! My fiance said that he was always telling them that it was a bad idea, but he doesn't know that I saw message that he left the brother in law on facebook when he didn't sign out telling him to go for it because the chick that he was going to cheat on his wife with was hot! WTF!! I am ready to pull my hair out! I was married for 5 years and I always came 2nd to his parents and friends and I refuse to go through that again. (Oh, I am 29 btw) I love him, he is a great father to my son since my son's father isn't in the picture, but I will not come second to these people.

helen murphy's picture

I have just read all your messages i agree what a mess but i honestly think u no what u need to do, or maybe for a while turn it around as in dont show that it gets to u or maybe spend more time out doing anything u like to see how he likes it, this is not a relationship its all one sided . I had sim from a relationship years back did all the talking tryed to tell him how things made me feel all i got was ok i will stop well they say they will change but rarely do they they just hide things more . Love does hurt he should be honoured that he has someone like u in his life time for him to grow up and start to see it from your point , ex means an ex not a 3 way relarionship

helen murphy's picture

I have just read all your messages i agree what a mess but i honestly think u no what u need to do, or maybe for a while turn it around as in dont show that it gets to u or maybe spend more time out doing anything u like to see how he likes it, this is not a relationship its all one sided . I had sim from a relationship years back did all the talking tryed to tell him how things made me feel all i got was ok i will stop well they say they will change but rarely do they they just hide things more . Love does hurt he should be honoured that he has someone like u in his life time for him to grow up and start to see it from your point , ex means an ex not a 3 way relarionship's picture

He is wrong. He just put every single one of those people before you, including the ex. If you are feeling jealous it's not because something's wrong with you, it's because you should. Everyone wants to be #1 to their SO and you aren't even...I've lost count. I'm not sure how old you all are, but I'm probably older Smile . Tell him he's wrong and an older woman said so, and I'm pretty sure I know more than him! LOL

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Well, there are many other nights this week. Go out with some girlfriends and say you saw your ex there and that you two caught up over some drinks. I'm telling you, he will shit bricks, say what I said in the previous comment. I bet you it will wake him up and out an end to his complete disregard for your feelings by hanging out with his ex, her family and their mutual friends. This is not ok. Have you called him at all? I would have been packing my bags and would be gone when he got there. I would have zero trust for him after this. I would've told him he put his ex and friends before me and I do not believe that he was drinking with a woman he usto love and be with and had children with and that nothing happened. Going out drinking knowing she's there and hanging out with her at a bar is as good as cheating and I will not tolerate cheating, someone who puts other people before me or someone who thinks this behavior is ok.

Most Evil's picture

I would make arrangements to go get drunk in a bar with one of your exes, and tell him it is ok for him to do, it must be an ok thing for you to do.

Ridiculous!! draw the line honey

missbrandy1229's picture

Well he ended up getting home around 3:30 in the morning. His ex wife didn't even show up so he was only with the ex sister and brother in law and their friends (Including her whore of a boss). (But that doesn't really matter to me because when he left WE BOTH thought that the ex was going to be there and the fact that he still went pisses me off.) I am still really upset. We are supposed to be getting married in three months and this is really making me question that choice. Thank you all for your comments. I didn't think that I was over reacting I just wanted some outside opinions to let me know that I wasn't crazy and I did have a right to be upset! Oh, and to clear one thing up, it was the brother in laws birthday, not the fiance, but I really don't think that makes a difference.

alwaysanxious's picture

I can tell you, SO's key wouldn't work on our locks when he came home from his little outing.

sterlingsilver's picture

yup, I'd be changing the locks. Don't you ever kid yourself that if it were you doing this to him that he'd sit around mooping? Oh no girlfriend, he'd have the locks changed in a nano second. If you didn't have your little boy I'd say play his dirty little games right back. I'd say take that precious little boy and leave or kick bf's ass out if it's your house. He's NOT going to change now if he hasn't yet.

missbrandy1229's picture

I was aware of the fact and I tried to be nice to them. Now they are being rude and smart ass to me. It isn't really fair to me to have to go out and fake smile and act happy around people that I don't like. ESPECIALLY his ex wife who tried to have me thrown in jail.... As far as the spanking goes, my fiance gave me permission. He spanks my son all the time and I don't have an issue with it because I trust that he would never hurt him. She lets everyone she knows spank her children if they need it. Her sister told me one time that she slapped the SD across the face for being disrespectful and the mother just laughed! I WOULD NEVER DO something like that. The fact that I spanked his bottom for doing handstands on the couch and knocking a picture nearly inches from his head is not the issue. The issue is it was me doing it and she just doesn't like me because I don't bow to her every command.

Lalena75's picture

Yes he should have to choose, we teach people how to treat us and you just showed him he can make you uncomfortable and allow others to treat you poorly and talk shit about you because "they are just joking" it's just like starting a sentence with "No offense but..." you mean to offend but don't want crap for being an ass. I'd inform him quick like that this situation won't happen again, unless you really don't care that he does it again because he will because you let him. we can't make people do what we'd like but we choose how we respond. And unfriend the nasty people from your fb you don't need that high school crap. They don't like it well tell them "No offense but you really act like an Ahole" tit for tat I say.

Shannon61's picture

He was definitely out of line and should not have gone out of respect and consideration for you. Once he found out his ex was invited, it should have been a no brainer. Your feelings and keeping his house in order should have been his top priority. He could have passed and told the buddy that perhaps all of you could do dinner later .. without the ex being on the invitation list. He needs to have your back.

I'd also unfriend his buddy who basically called you white trash. Who needs that? People who use Facebook to insult others are petty and mean spirited. You're getting enough drama from the ex. I'd take down the entire page if necessary.

You can't stop his friendship w/his buddy, but you don't have to always participate in their gatherings. The ex is already causing you enough drama, why deal with them and their BS as well?