divided expenses?
Hello Everyone!
I am new on this forum.
My partner of 5 years has a daughter from his previous relationship. She is with us Monday through Thursday. Things have been rather tough with the ex and is very high conflict. It's been a long road with the daughter, some days are good, some are bad.
I have a questions about expenses in a blended family.
For the last five years we have shared cost of her food and housing. We rent a two bedroom apartment, so that she could have her own room. So far so good. But now his ex wants more child support even though she makes more money and gets child support and has the child only 3 days a week. The outcome of the court day is yet to be seen.
This year has been very difficult for me financially. I just had a surgery and had tons of other medical expenses. I am on a very strict budget and I have been trying to make ends meet. I have cut back on most things, live my life without much unnecessary spending. I bike to work, I do not drink or smoke, make all my meals etc...My partner agrees to have a budget, but he does not stick to it unless I keep track of it.
Right now we split 50% of groceries and rent. His daughter eats every meal with us and has her own room. I sat down and calculated that meals for her cost about $100/month and we pay about $200-$300 more in rent to maintain a room for her. On top of it my partner is very restricted in his funding due to $400 child support to his ex.
We live in an expensive neighborhood because his daughter can go to a good school.
Yes, in retrospect, I should have laid down some firm boundaries about expenses.
Back then I was better off financially, this year has been difficult.
Can I ask him to contribute more? Does anyone have experience with this?
I do not have any children of my own and have a separate account from him.
I am having real difficulties bringing myself to ask my partner to contribute more to the household expenses without feeling petty. I feel like the wicked stepmother counting up the cost of food etc :(((((
What to do?
You can absolutely ask him
You can absolutely ask him to contribute more. He is responsible for his kids' expenses. You are not. I would be nice about it and say you didn't mind when you were able, but now you are unable to cover the additional costs. he may not like it, but that is not your problem. It is his problem. Obviously, he needs you to cover the rent, so what choice does he have. It isn't petty, it is survival, especially if he isn't living in a budget. Why should you go without things you need so his daughter and his ex can be made "whole"? That is unfair to you and it is not petty to say so.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I agree with SVS. Do you
I agree with SVS.
Do you have separate accounts? He should be paying the additional cost for the larger apartment and more towards food. But maybe a compromise? Maybe just suggest that he pay more towards the apartment and forget about the food?
Thanks soverysad, that's how
Thanks soverysad, that's how I feel too!
So should I ask him to contribute extra $150 to rent and food on top of his share? Is that realistic?
I would love to have a child someday, but reality is: we do not have the money, and I do not want to support someone else's child and deny myself my own child. I don't even know of it's realistic for me to think about marriage and children in this situation. When I think of it, it makes me think "you would be totally screwed and have the short end of the stick" while the ex is taking him back to court for every shitty thing. It just seems like another pressure my partner would be under.
I think I would also have a pre-nup if anything. I would have my life insurance and other things go to my sister. I would talk to a lawyer and make sure that the ex cannot get a penny in case something happens to me.
Also I have 2 cats that cost about $35/month. I am afraid that he would say " well I contribute towards cat litter and food." But then maybe I could break it down for him with numbers.
While I am at it, could I just share something that makes me ultra irritated? His ex is taking the daughter to Disneyland for 10 days. And she is trying to get more money from my partner. Ridiculous!
I think that is very
I think that is very reasonable. I know all about the ex and courts and throwing money away. Wingnut has the kid 8 days a month and gets $900 a month in cs AND $2500 a month in alimony.
Meanwhile I am stressed about the cost of IVF and / or adoption to have a family of my own. It sucks. You need to do what is good for you though. If you want a child of your own and you honestly can't see a way for that to happen because of your partner's past, you're going to have a lot of built up resentment. I resent the hell out of all the money going to another woman every month and all them money we spent fighting for custody. I skews my entire personality and I hate it. My situation is slightly different though because dh still pays more toward all our expenses. Still, I am spending all of MY savings from before I met him to start our own family.
And Wingnut is at the mall every week buying Creature whatever the hell her little princess heart desires.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
DH & I have a joint account
DH & I have a joint account and have had one before we were married. He took care of the expenses of his kids before we joined the accounts and I would provide for them but my bills and things came first. Before we joined our accounts, we discussed our bills IN GREAT DETAILS that we had. We agreeded to keep both checking/savings accounts. He has his child support automatically put into his account (which I am on this account as well) and its SOLELY used for that. We pay the rest of the bills with what we both bring to the table that is deposited into the other checking account. We agreeded on this. If he has a seperate account and he's holding out on you then hell yeah, thats his kid and NEEDS to contribute to care for her! WE own a house together and have all our bills together now, so this works best for us.
Yeah, I think I will talk to
Yeah, I think I will talk to him. For most part we can talk about things, but I felt very anxious about this topic because it made me feel like cold, calculating step-whatever-partner. It just makes me feel petty. But you guys are right, I cannot put others before myself because it will backfire. Mostly because of pressure and unsaid expectations. :?
He certainly pays up his dues with the ex and enables her to go to Disneyland, I should be able to be free of stepchild expenses without marriage? Maybe it would be a different story if we were married, but now I do not feel as invested.
Also I think I am cooling off from being the nicey-nice friend I have been trying to be with his daughter.
I have given up trying to make it work with her. She watches TV and video games for hours or all night until going to bed, she does not do anything for herself, including putting her clothes in the hamper. I have attempted trying to engage her with boardgames, books, gardening. She does it for 5 minutes then her attention span runs out. I have had my therapist help me with interacting with her but for most part the daughter declines interaction with a vacant face and proceeds to watch TV for the rest of the night. I feel bad for her sometimes since she is in a tough spot too, but she is not my responsibility.
I have asked her to turn lights off when she leaves a room, yet she has not been doing it. I have asked my partner to engage her to be a participating member in this household instead of a "guest" staying over. He talks to her, she will do it once and never again.
She is moody and talks about her mother all the time. Her mother talks nasty things to her about us and is bipolar. The mother has been ordered to court supervised psychotherapy. When the daughter comes back from her house she is surly, moody and she uses baby voice. She is almost 8years old. I HATE the baby voice. When she tries to get her way, she uses the baby voice. I have told her number of times that she needed to talk to me in a normal voice. Her father does not mind as much, in some ways I think it's cute. :sick:
So, yeah, every day is a challenge. The hardest part is to see the daughter as an individual vs. someone who mirrors her mother.
Ah, I have totally sidetracked this topic now; thanks for allowing me to let it all out. It's just been brewing inside...