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Do I exsists or not, which one is it, BM?

Greenfig's picture

BM pretends that I do not exist. In fact she told BF that she will proceed in things that way. I only met her in person once and she would not address me directly; she asked my BF questions about me. Such as "where does she live?" I had to remind her that she could actually direct questions about me, to me.

In the other hand I am a "huge threat" to her motherhood. According to her I am trying to undermine her as a mother. She refuses the skid to have a week vacation with us because she is afraid that my presence will undermine her motherhood. We are taking her back to court for this and other violations of the CO.

I just wish she could figure out if I exist or not! A threat or a non-being. Which is it?? }:) Wink

myna's picture

This was my favourite: I`ve lived with my FH in the past two years since we got engaged and the kids are calling me their stepmom. Last year I bought lot of clothes to my ss and he heard when I said his stepmom bought him a bunch of new clothes. When FH dropped him at BM ss immidiatelly told her stepmom bought me a bunch of clothes. BM run after FH on the stairs and asked him who the hell is "stepmom"? I laughed my head off

Greenfig's picture

In return we just call the BM as What's-her-face (WHF) among ourselves. I kind of love the name WHF. Almost as much as the name "Droopy" or Girhippo!

BM refers to me as "she" when talking to BF or skank when she talks to the skid about me Biggrin

Greenfig's picture

They always got to use a language that makes them feel that they are the real mom and wife. I was thinking last night that I cannot think of anyone else in my life that I find as despicable as her. There are days I just want to throw a glass of ice water in her face and say "wake up, having a uterus and being inseminated is not that special; it does not entitle you to anything. In fact women with beards, amputated legs, IQ of 50, prostitutes, and 12 year old have been known to be inseminated and carry a baby to full term; you don't get to use and abuse, agitate and break the law just because you are a BM. Phew....okay, I just had to get this off my chest. Smile

myna's picture

My FH is the perfect guy with some extra. I love him and he has all the qualities I was looking for in a man. His messy past is not changing anything. My situation is relativly good since I have stepkids who accepted me without a question. No relationship is perfect. I`m sure it`s easier to deal with a guy without past but I love my life the way it is

Jezebel's picture

i am not taking up for BM but i can see how she feels.she is inexperienced at having a woman around her child and she is naturally worried.she feels protective of her child and her mommy instincts have been kicked into overdrive.she is jealous of you being around her child in the family setting of 'girlfriend/boyfriend/child' and she is not there to keep her child from wishing he/she could be in that setting on a regular basis.she is afraid of being left behind by her child.i bet she is thinking 'what if my child likes this woman more?what if my child does not want to live with me anymore?'
I hope you do not take this as someone making excuses for BM but these are some of the things that used to run through my head about my own child until I became used to the fact that there was another woman around and she was not going i was not ready to see my ex move on yet and that added to the tension for me.i feel like this BM is feeling similar things right now.she is extremely aware of your existence and is trying to harden herself to the hurt she will feel when her child comes home from being around you and talks about what a wonderful time he/she had and how great you is natural for that to hurt her and if she is a good mommy,she will get over that hurt eventually and stop causing problems for you.

bothsides's picture

Well said... you are very kind. It would be great if all the adults would try to understand each others feelings. After years, I have seen my own heart soften with regard to SM. Fortunately she was kind, patient and understanding.

Greenfig's picture

Her feeling could be understood, only if she was not psychotic. Sure, I have been there to, it's tough to see your ex move on, blah, blah, blah.

But here is the catch: What if the BM is a unstable, bi-polar person and all she wants is to punish everyone. She never looks at her own behavior, but blames everyone else. She has been forced by the judge to attend psycho therapy because her behavior in court and to her child is UNACCEPTABLE. She is so threatened that she freaks out on the child, she rips up her drawings if she draws anything about our house, such as planting flowers in the back yard. I would not call this concerned-mom-in-overdrive.I would call this an unstable person.

Really, if the BM wants to maintain a strong bond with her daughter; she should perhaps take her daughter and pick her up from school, make her dinner and help her with homework once in a while. That's what many mommies do, right? Instead of hanging out in her office until 2am sending venomous emails to BF, she could maybe spend her time more constructively. She is not a high career person, simply a secretary, so she has no reason to stay in her office until 2 am and use that as an excuse to avoid her child.

BM has a history of 2 attempted suicides in her early 20's before she met BF, so we know she is unstable. She has been prescribed Lithium, which she refused to take.

Now, I am not unsympathetic or unempatethic to the difficulties in family status and difficulties of divorce (like I said, it is difficult to see your ex with another woman, been there done that. I dealt with my issues by attending therapy on regular basis, and talking to trusted friends and doing activities that allowed me personal growth. To me it seemed too humiliating to go and have fits around my ex. In this time period I have learned tons of things about myself, why my relationship with my ex turned out the way it has. That requires INTERSPECTION, ladies !!!!!! It's a painful process to face the truth. But the BM is an adult and she is responsible for her reactions and how she copes with it. She needs to face the painful truth after 5 years and deal with it like most of us who have to commitment to life and self improvement.

Greenfig's picture

Well, lets put it this way. I am more in touch with her child's needs than she is. So I would not call me inexperienced. I would be careful as to calling people on this forum inexperienced. Also many BMs make terrible mothers. Mothering does not come natural to SOME women, even if they were knocked up.

:? :? :? I mean really, are we on step-talk to have a pissing contest? I thought we were here because we all have experiences in common.

She never takes her to school or picks her up. BF does. We make her meals every day, do homework, wash her hair etc....Mommy only gets her on the weekend, even then she ships her out to a babysitter, so she can go to work on the weekend. She never does these things.

You know, I think kids need consistency and when they have that, they will feel good and content. I do not underestimate the biological bond, but just because one is a BM does not mean they DO NOT have to make an effort to take care of the child and her needs. I would call that negligent parenting. Just because you are the BM, it does not mean that you rely on your 8 year old daughter for emotional support and share every woe and adult thoughts with her. An 8year old is not a punching bag for psychotic fits or an adult companionship.

If she feel so strongly, maybe she could ask for help from a trained professional. Maybe she could take parenting classes. Perhaps she could take her Lithium that she was prescribed. Maybe she could make some friends.

myna's picture

I don`t give a damn about BMnr3 and her feelings. She is a manipulative bit*h who slept with my FH once and wrote him a mail after 3months that she is pregnant. She was a desperate 40years old who wanted a husband and tought my FH will marry her specially when she found out it`s a boy. When she found out we are engaged she refused to let us see the kid 5months cos she said she tought they will be together one day. She is a sick woman and trying to mess with our life and doesn`t see it`s all about the boy and not her

myna's picture

My doesn`t have a mental ilness but God she is crazy. I do have a friend who`s mother is a bi polar and she told me some stories so I really feel sorry for you

dguiwh2334's picture

In this I do and don't agree.. I agree that's probably how the BMs are feeling.. But in my situation, and probably several others on here, the BM had the opportunity to have a perfect like with their ex/ex husband/father of their children.. Whichever it may be.. In my case, the BM/ex wife cheated mulitple times with multiple ppl for years, while all along being a selfish bitch, sucking his money dry, shopping sprees, wanting new cars, a bigger house, never wanting to work part time when asked.. Mind you, she was cheating the whole time!! When my now bf, had enough, he left, and the divorce was filed! In my opinion, and others I'm sure, SHE deserves what she is now going thru in some ways! She still wants him back, well guess what BM? You shouldn't have scanked around and took advantage of your husband n the father of ur children that supported u for years! You messed up, and you lost him! That's the way I see it.. So if the BMs feel threatned they probably should, because like my situation, my bf now has someone what works full time, pays bills,helps him with his children and loves them, cooks and cleans (which she did not) does yard work with him (she doesn't know how to start a mower) and loves him and appreciates him! And he is happy! And will never go back to her... Sorry, had to get that out Smile

Greenfig's picture


dguiwh2334's picture

Thanks Greenfig! I just feel that she was the one who threw her life away! Not my problem, and BMs like her should be thankful that someone like me takes care of her kids half the time.. I can't have kids of my own, but I adore my bf kids n love them as if they were mine.. I go above and beyond to make sure they are loves, happy and comfortable! I NEVER say bad things about their mom, as far as I know she doesn't say things to them about me... She has said before she is thankful n lucky that I treat her kids so well.. So we will see if it stays that way Smile