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Need Advice.....I think???

Sick and Tired's picture

Well I'm going to do my best and explain my situation the best that I can in a relatively short manner, if possible.

My wife and I were married last year and we are coming up on our 1st year anniversary. We've been together for 4 years total and when we met her son was 16 years of age. We didn't live together until we were married. The SS is from a previous marriage and the father is a complete loser. The father has been a druggie and alcoholic his entire life and is on disability due to mental problems. He hasn’t worked for more than 6 months his entire life. He’s one of those “free-spirited” types that feel that he doesn’t need to work or provide for anyone including himself. He chooses to play his guitar and mooch off of his girlfriend as well as receiving disability.
I keep this in mind when thinking about these problems with the SS.

About 6 months after we had been dating her son starting having all sorts of problems at school, with drugs, with the police and at home. He was sent to the hospital on two separate occasions for a week or two at a time and of course it cost my wife over $30,000. Thankfully the state ended up taking care of the bill. The doctors diagnosed him with ADD with Bipolar symptoms and started his regime of every possible drug under the sun to make things better. He's finally found the drug of choice which is Aderol. Mind you he doesn't take the Aderol the way in which is prescribed (in the morning), he'll take it whenever and stay up all night long and then sleep all day, more on that later.

The problems have continued since he was 16. The SS is now 20 going on 21 in February of next year. He barely graduated high school and that was due to his mother working with his counselor. He doesn’t work and hasn’t for 6 months, he prefers to sleep and party with his friends. He ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant and now has a 5 month old baby boy. The child lives with the girlfriend and her mother. Their family is one of the most chaotic and dysfunctional families that I’ve ever heard of or seen, it’s truly unbelievable. Once in a great while she allows him to bring the grandchild over for us to see. Which quite frankly under the circumstances I could really care less and I hate myself for feeling this way.

His girlfriend is not allowed over at our house because of her behavior, she is constantly starting trouble and has caused a great deal of chaos in our lives therefore we’ve drawn the line and she doesn’t come around anymore. Her mother was a meth addict for a very long time and in the last few years gained custody of the daughter. Her father is an ex-convict who was in prison for 10 years for a murder but I don’t know the details of it. So as you can see there quite a fun bunch.

Her mother doesn’t like the SS so he’s not to be over there when the mother is at home, which quite frankly I can’t blame her. He stole all over her pain medication on two separate occasions. The last time he did it she called the police and now he’s looking at his 2nd felony as well as a burglary charge.

The SS has been in trouble with the law several times and hasn’t done anything that was required of him on his last felony charge. As a matter of fact he and his mother just got back from court today….yay! For the past 3 years it has been nothing but problem after problem after problem with him. He doesn’t work, his idea of putting in applications is 1 every 3 or 4 weeks and if they don’t call him then he’ll eventually go out and put another one in somewhere.

Now I’m fortunate in the sense that I am able to work at home and I feel that I have done everything possible to help the SS out and we get along fine. But when I see him sleep until noon only to get up and then go hang out at his girlfriend it drives me crazy. When he’s done with that he’ll go hang out with his friends and either get drunk or go find some drugs and do them. I can’t tell you how many times he’s come home while the wife and I are watching television and his wired out of his mind. He doesn’t seem to understand that he has a child now and that he needs to get it together.

See the problem is that he doesn’t care about anything, not anything he owns or anything that anyone else owns. For example, he’s owned two cars in the past two years, one of which I gave him and he’s run them both into the ground and the entire backseat is full of garbage almost to the top of the interior roof…..I’m not kidding. When his car breaks down I have to pay for it and I have to the tune of several thousands of dollars. He’s not able to control his spending and has really no concept of value or money. He spends every dollar he gets without thinking of any consequence. He’s had two checking accounts and he writes checks with ghost money in his account. We then have to pay and he has to close his checking accounts, each of which lasted 2 to 3 weeks. We pay for his cell phone and for his insurance for his car.

There is so much more to this that I could practically write a book. The problems are plentiful and there are things that I haven’t even touched on.

I honestly don’t think that he will ever be able to fend for himself. I think he will have to either live with us or someone for the rest of his life because he just can’t get his act together.

Bottom line is that the SS and his behavior has come between our marriage and has caused many problems. I’ve griped about the situation to my wife until it makes me sick, and her to I’m sure. I’m always told that “you just always have to pick at Shawn (SS)”. I’m bewildered at her statement at times, she’s doesn’t think of how much I’ve done and tried to do for him. When I tell her he needs to get out and look for a job she tells me he is……..what???? He puts in an application every 2 to 3 weeks, that’s not really looking for steady work, that’s just appeasing his mother so that she’ll keep at bay.

The whole situation has changed the way I look at my marriage and my wife and I don’t know that I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty strong person able to deal with anything and everything but I’m starting to doubt myself. I don’t know that I can anymore. I think there’s a problem when you start thinking about leaving and being on your own and you have happy thoughts about it.

I honestly don’t know what to do, any advice, insights or similar experiences would be appreciated. Maybe the problem is with me, maybe I’m not tolerant enough or something. I don’t know, but one thing I do know is that I’m not happy like this……..

Thanks for letting me vent……maybe that’s what I needed. Well I'm tired of typing for now Sad

melis070179's picture

You guys are totally enabling him by allowing it, so of course he's going to do it! Maybe he needs to talk to a counselor. But I would say quit paying for everything and give him some rules for living there or he can stay out!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

stepoff's picture

By not drawing a line and sticking to it you are enabling him to act irresponsibly. You and your wife need to agree to and set some boundaries and house rules for him. Does he at least do chores around the house to help while you two are at work? At his age, he should have either a full time job or be in school full time working toward a degree. Otherwise, start charging rent. And as any landlord would agree, he must either pay each month or leave. Maybe give him 3 months to find a full time job and get a place of his own, then he must leave and be self sufficient. But once you set the rules/limitations, you have to stick to it. Yes he will probably fall flat (maybe even a few times) but haven't we all struggled when we first left the nest? We all learn by doing, not by making excuses.

Also, please keep allowing that baby to come to your home as often as possible. It's probably the only respite from the mixed up crazy home life that he/she ever will get. That is an innocent child who didn't ask to be brought into that situation.

bearcub25's picture

I went thru this with my BS. It took a lot of work and worry on my part but he was finally able to take responsibility for himself. I am not saying I never help him out but I am not supporting him anymore. I kicked him at 21, his GF and my baby grandchild out of my house b/c he was dealing drugs, robbing and hiding the stuff in my home and I wasn't willing to lose my home and job over his lazy ass. I still do pay his car insurance to make sure he has it in case and do pay his cell bill as I get a discount thru my work.

If your wife isn't willing to stop enabling him there is nothing you can do about it. Of coure, you can refuse to spend your own hard earned dollars on him. Your wife can start with the following...
On x day of x month, you will have to start supporting yourself. I will give you the tools to start you on that road but it is up to you to keep it up.

If she thinks you are picking on her then I doubt she will be too strong on the matter though.

My son has actually held a job for 14 months now, making decent money and has been with his GF (I claim daughter in law) and their child for 7 years, so there was the good in him it was just waylayed by drugs.

Orange County Ca's picture

Nothing will change until the kid hits bottom.

Rent one of those single room residence rooms on skid row and prepay it for one week. Actually any motel or hotel will do. Tell the wife what' you've done and that either the kid moves in there tonight or you do.

If necessary you do leave the home. If she wants to put up with the kid in her home then let her. As a step you are powerless to force anything but you can make a powerful statement. Now go do it and don't come back until the kid is gone.

Maybe with you're work it will take a little longer to sort it out but you've got to make it clear - him or me - now.


There's an exception to everything I say.

AVR1962's picture

You definately have done too much and that ios the problem. He has no way to appreciate what you have done and given him as he has always had it. It is time for you and your wife to sit down and make up some rules for the house and either he agrees and signs a contract or he gets out and HE figures life iut for himself. As hard as it is to see a child fall on their face they sometimes have to do it to find their way in life.

My SS decided to move in with his bio mom in his mid 20's, she left when he was 4. He said he was going to help her with her bills in exchange for staying with her which I thought was a bad idea. What turned out though is mommy started enabling....he wasn't working and she supported him while he went to school and partied, traveled and fun withn his girlfriends. He didn't have to be responsible under her roof. He did this til he was 29! Can you even imagine??