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AHH! Who Really owns the skids clothes?

strugglingat28's picture

This has been the week from hell...

We have been noticing that my 11yo SD's clothes have been disappearing. We just found out she has been taking a few items a day over to BMs house, via stuffing them in the bottom of her backpack. (we have 50/50 custody). We have tried to respect her space and not pillage through her backpack, but I don't feel it's fair for her to take all of the "good, quality" clothes to BM's and then wearing stained, cheap sweat pants and t-shirts back to our house. We spend thousands on clothes, and BM lets her dress horribly and even inappropriately for her age (sweats at school events that say no jeans even, or mini skirts, tube tops, halter tops, etc). So, we feel like the only way to have her look appropriate is to buy her clothes ourselves.

This was brought up in court last month and the judge said - the clothes are the child's so the child should be able to wear or bring those clothes in any amount anywhere she chooses. I agree that she should be able to wear her clothes back and forth and even that it would be stressful to not wear certain clothes to the other house, but to bring extra clothes since BM won't buy any herself? So, my SD either looks bad and we have to take her places looking inappropriate or sloppy if we don't suck it up and keep spending more and more. The judge also said that BM can't be forced to buy her daughter clothing with all the C.S. money either! He said that the money can be spent on however BM sees fit for the child and that if the child already has clothes, the court can't dictate what "quality or style" the clothes are.
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE TALKED TO MY SD ABOUT THIS. SHE CLAIMS THAT SINCE THEY ARE HER CLOTHES, SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITH THEM. SHE GAVE US MAJOR ATTITUDE ABOUT IT AND DRAGS BM IN TO IT TO MAKE THE ISSUE BIGGER.
I EVEN FOUND OUT SHE WAS STEALING MY JEWELRY AND GAVE IT TO BM!!! WE TOLD BM THAT AND SHE WON'T EVEN GIVE ME MY EARRINGS BACK!
LIKE I SAID BEFORE, THAT IS FINE THAT SHE WEARS WHAT SHE WANTS BACK AND FORTH. BUT, WHEN SHE HAS TAKEN OVER 30 OUTFITS TO BM'S HOUSE AND NONE HERE, WE RUN OUT OF CLOTHES! ALSO, BM HAS BEEN SELLING THE CLOTHES WHEN MY SD OUTGROWS THEM, AND WILL NOT GIVE THEM BACK! SHE IS MAKING MONEY OFF THESE NICE CLOTHES ON TOP OF ALL THE CRAZY MONEY SHE GETS FROM US.
IF WE STOP BUYING MY SD CLOTHES, SHE WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR TO CHURCH, SCHOOL EVENTS, NICE OUTINGS, ETC.
AND WE REFUSE TO SEND HER BACK TO SCHOOL IN MINI SKIRTS AND TUBE TOPS OR HALTER TOPS. IT IS SO EMBARASSING!
WHAT TO DO ??????

That doesn't seem fair. What is right? What do you do about this? Is this an issue for others?

Anonymous's picture

So stop buying her clothes. Let bm buy them, just pay whatever is on paper.

Mici07's picture

I had that problem when my ss lived the first half of the week with my busband and me and the other half of the week with their mother. The thing that made it easier for me was that I picked out the clothes for the boys to wear and so dressed them in the clothes they came with. It still happened though that our good clothes found their way to her house and it took month until they came back. I kept buying clothes and they kept on dissapearing. Fortunatelly I can talk to bm and told her that I need some clothes back because I'm running out. I told even the kids that when they take good clothes to their mothers house,they have to come back again. They understood. Maybe your sd will understand when you talk to her about it. Why she doesn't mind to wear sloppy clothes at your house but sneeks out the good ones to her bm's. Usually girls don't wanna lock cheap and sloppy. So stop buying cloth and tell her she has enough clothes and give the crapy ones back to the bm. That's what I did too.

kysmom's picture

My DH gets his children every other weekend. Friday night to Sunday night. For the past 2 years we have been sending the girls home on Sunday in the same clothes they came in the previous Friday. It's been working for us. We only need to supply clothes for 2 dyas of the month. (My DH also pays $1320 per month in CS). The BM has been hassleing us to send the girls clothes home, in response we do, the next visitaion weekend. 4 weeks ago I noticed the oldest daughter (7) her clothes that she came in on Friday were missing. We asked the SD where her clothes were and she said she didn't know. So we just thought that they were misplaced. Then the next weekend we had them her clothes were missing again. Come to find out, the BM has been telling the SD to sneak her clothes back home in her bookbag. So now we have a lieing BM & SD.
Realizing that there in nothing we can do about the BM telling the SD to lie, we had a sit down with the SD. She knew it was wrong to do & we plan on searching her before she leaves until we can trust her.
In my opinion the clothing belongs to the child. But when the child is not sent with clothes to the opposite parents house, it is my belief that they only return with the clothes on their back. We cannot afford to pay CS plus clothe the girls.
In our situation, the BM only buys name brand clothes and puts us down for buying the SD's clothes at yard sales.
Something has got to give.

Anonymous's picture

We refused to buy any clothes and never did. That is to come out of child support, so that pretty much takes away the arguments. They wear what they brought and can go back the same way. Many people cause a lot of their own grief when there are simple answers. Just don't do it, and don't engage in arguing with the bm. Yes it is that simple my friends.

jiingy's picture

I have to disagree. IF the kids come over in absolute rags from BM's house & no coat etc. & we have to send them to school the next day - we have to send them in nice clothes. THen she keeps then & sends them in rags that night. It's unbelievable. We've actually bought clothes,coats, boots, shoes etc. & she gets a good child support check too. Some people are ridiculous, selfish, childish & shouldn't have custody when they act this way. IT's not always so easy.

Elizabeth's picture

My SD (14) would take clothes we had bought that she didn't like to her BM, and vice versa. BM would "get rid of them." Then she would ask us to send hers back. What?! Every time SD didn't have something appropriate to wear, husband took her shopping. Drove me crazy, as she would have a room full of clothes (SD has more clothes than any other kid I have ever met). Finally, I instituted a budget. SD gets x amount each month for clothes. Once that is spent, she is out of luck. That has eliminated the fight over clothing. We never did get back the stuff her BM has, and she sometimes still wears very inappropriate stuff (like a red shirt and khaki miniskirt for her church confirmation).

I think I finally convinced my husband that SD is a habitual liar when it comes to clothes. He would tell her to put on gloves and she would claim she didn't have any, when I know she has at least four pairs. Or claim she didn't have a winter coat, then I would show him three of them at our house alone. Or say she didn't have any jeans when I could put my hands on ten pairs (and she probably has at least 20 pairs right now). Bottom line, the budget really helps, if you can settle on something fair. Husband tried to up it because SD has expensive tastes, but I didn't budge. I got calculations about what percent of budget the average family spends on clothes, then divided that between the four of us.

ultrak's picture

My SS's (4) BM does something similar, she sends him in clothes two small with holes in the knees. We get him every other weekend and buys clothes for those days. On Sunday I was the clothes he came in put them right back on him. She got mad that we do this and wants to share clothes. She says that it is DH responsiblty to buy all clothes and hair cuts because she claims she can't afford them. Which is BS, DH pays CS and little boys clothes are not that expensive. Her problem is that she shops only from the Gap and makes him wear them till the very end. My husband is unsure what to do because SS started school and he does not want him to be the worst dressed in school. He picked him up one friday and was so embarrass, SS had on a short set that was dirty and way above his knees. But he knows that if he buys more clothes for her house to that he will have to continue to do this every year. This will not be possible because we will have children of our own soon and it will not be fair. I told him that I know that he does not like it but this is something you have to deal with when you are dealing with crazy people like this. Your children are a reflection of you and if you send your children out in public sloppy you look sloppy. She is the primary caregiver and she will have to realize that for herself.

Chocoholic's picture

Wow, I was hoping that we were the only ones to have such a petty issue! I absolutely hate this clothing issue and parents who claim stake over the CHILD'S clothing.... BOTH sides should be buying appropriate clothing (although I do believe that the parent receiving child support should supply the majority of clothing).... But if they don't, they don't.... you can't make them spend the child support on the child and so if you have to buy clothes then thats just life.

Regardless,

THE CLOTHES BELONG TO THE CHILD.... BOTH HOMES NEED TO GROW THE F**K UP AND LEAVE THE POOR KID ALONE!

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."

Shopaholic's picture

I would say the child does, you buy the clothes for the child right?!

However.....
I also understand this issue because I have had such issues with this. Last year I bought 12 coats for SS and 10 backpacks, and countless pieces of clothing that SS never brought home from BMs. After wasting all of this money on clothing SS had to start going to school in no jacket and carry a plastic bag for this homework, we could not afford money for backpacks and jackets anymore and to say the least BM could just not figure it out.

I feel your pain I really do but finally after all is said and done, SS has the clothes that he has and if they get ruined or they are not at home because he wore them over to BM's and now they are missing it is not our problem he needs to be responsible. Us as adults have enough to worry about, keeping track of who has what is not a priority to me.

Rae's picture

Someone should do a research project on this! It is weird. I was in a previous relationship with a man who had his boy every other weekend and once a week, and to keep the peace, we always, always made sure to send him back to his mom's in the same clothes and shoes he arrived in. She would pitch an absolute fit if anything was missing and it just wasn't worth the grief, even if we had to wash the clothes overnight for him to wear the very next day. If something did end up up at the other parents house, that parent was asked to send it back with the child on the next exchange. We never had a problem with the backpack...honestly, that's a strange one...my bf's child's backpack was essentially a part of him. It contained all his school books, his lunch container, his wallet, his homework log, etc...there is no way he would ever forget that at either household. And if for some bizarre reason he did, we would have called the BM in a heartbeat to ask her to bring it to the school for him the next morning.

Also strange, is that me and my ex NEVER, EVER had this argument. We had an amicable relationship, and not once was this a problem. Our son could take whatever he wanted to either household...didn't matter who bought it. He was in charge of it...and if we felt he was running short on certain clothes because they were piling up at the other parents house, we'd just call and ask to bring some back. No big deal.

I think this is one of those horrible control issues parents get sucked into. And I think it's representative of the kind of relationship you have with your ex. If you don't get along, clothes are a big issue, if you do get along, it's not, because you just ask the other parent for the stuff if needed.

Chocoholic's picture

My dh and I share the same attitude as yourself and your ex....

If I were to sit down and think of all of the clothes that I bought and then never saw again because they ended up at my ex's house.... I guess I could be mad.

OR I could just remember that for each piece of clothing that I bought and ultimately ended up at my ex's house there is one piece of clothing that he bought that ended up at my home.

THEY ARE NOT OUR CLOTHES, THEY BELONG TO OUR DAUGHTER.

I do see that there would be a problem if one home buyes nice clothes and one home intentionally buys crappy clothing.
Neither my ex-dh nor I buy crappy clothes for our daughter because we just don't play that game... we would not do that to our daughter.
Don't get me wrong.... you can spend little money on nice clothes.... but I know that SOME parents literally go out of their way to buy crap just to piss the other parent off (which ultimately does nothing but upset and embarass the child, which then in turn makes the child resent the parent that chooses to act that way).

My son's sm will intentionally buy CRAPPY, clothes.... she will go to the Salvation Army and buy clothes JUST for the exchange days.... She could pick out nicer clothes that cost the same.... but she literally searches for the crappy, embarassing clothing to make my son wear. She will then keep the clothing that we buy and send my son back in nasty, unwashed, crappy clothes.... WHY? Just because she is an angry, nasty person.

My son's dad has put an end to that but once he stops watching her closely, I'm sure it will start again. Its really sad.... when my son was a baby, she would even dress him in girls clothing for the exchanges.... frilly socks and all....

Then we would buy nice, new clothes and send my son back in them.... we would bag up the crappy clothes and send them back as well.... Sure enough, the next exchange day, my son would arrive in the crappy clothes AGAIN and the nice new clothes were no where to be found....

So we started throwing away the crappy clothes and sending my son back in the nice new clothes.... THEN she started cutting holes in my son's clothing just to ruin what we had bought! Our daycare provider actually CAUGHT her doing this! Its actually DOCUMENTED in CPS reports....

Then she threw a fit about the fact that we were throwing away the .99 cent Salvation Army CRAPPY clothes! HELLO.... when we send them back in a bag you keep the new clothes and still send him the crap....

Then she started claiming that she buys all of these clothes that are never returned.... HELLO RETARD.... SERIOUSLY, GET A LIFE.

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."

laurels4u's picture

putting his son in sweatpants when he "forgot" to bring his clothes back from his BM's house. BM doesn't pay CS and never allows the boy to bring anything back from her house when she does buy him something. Like she's going to wear it herself. What a whack job.

Stuck in the Middle's picture

Maybe she's embarrassed of the clothes that she has at her mothers? So, rather than 'making it an issue', she's just coming up with her own kid logic solution. She probably figures that you are more willing to buy her new cloths than her mother. Have you considered talking to your SD about it? I would go to the source of the problem, not bother with BM and talk to your SD and see why she's doing it rather than jumping to assumptions.

Stuck in the Middle
_______________________________________________________________________
I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.

strugglingat28's picture

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE TALKED TO MY SD ABOUT THIS. SHE CLAIMS THAT SINCE THEY ARE HER CLOTHES, SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITH THEM. SHE GAVE US MAJOR ATTITUDE ABOUT IT AND DRAGS BM IN TO IT TO MAKE THE ISSUE BIGGER.
I EVEN FOUND OUT SHE WAS STEALING MY JEWELRY AND GAVE IT TO BM!!! WE TOLD BM THAT AND SHE WON'T EVEN GIVE ME MY EARRINGS BACK!
LIKE I SAID BEFORE, THAT IS FINE THAT SHE WEARS WHAT SHE WANTS BACK AND FORTH. BUT, WHEN SHE HAS TAKEN OVER 30 OUTFITS TO BM'S HOUSE AND NONE HERE, WE RUN OUT OF CLOTHES! ALSO, BM HAS BEEN SELLING THE CLOTHES WHEN MY SD OUTGROWS THEM, AND WILL NOT GIVE THEM BACK! SHE IS MAKING MONEY OFF THESE NICE CLOTHES ON TOP OF ALL THE CRAZY MONEY SHE GETS FROM US.
IF WE STOP BUYING MY SD CLOTHES, SHE WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR TO CHURCH, SCHOOL EVENTS, NICE OUTINGS, ETC.
AND WE REFUSE TO SEND HER BACK TO SCHOOL IN MINI SKIRTS AND TUBE TOPS OR HALTER TOPS. IT IS SO EMBARASSING!
WHAT TO DO ??????

Stuck in the Middle's picture

How are you going about talking to her in the first place? Are you going on 'attack' mode when you're doing it? I just get that impression that she can sense you're all rallied up before you start, kids know when there is tension, hence you get the attitude. Attitudes are nothing more than attention seeking mechanisms and defense modes. And they build, they do not happen over night. Perhaps try to look at this in other angles. I still think that the bottom line is she's embarrassed, therefore, she is compensating by taking your clothes to her mom's (take that as a compliment). And she snaps back at you for a defense.

Perhaps, instead of buying her clothes, make her work for them, so that SHE has to purchase them and if she takes clothing to her mothers, let her wear the same thing over and over and over and over... even if it's pjs. Make her wash her own clothes too. Throw out the tank tops and mini skirts as soon as you see them, and when she's not there, sort through her stuff and pull them out. TAKE CONTROL. You are the parent, she is the child. If she has no clothes to wear, she has no clothes. If you feel the need to go 'shopping' go to the thrift store instead.

This has nothing to do with clothes. This is a power struggle.

Stuck in the Middle
_______________________________________________________________________
I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.

kristina0121's picture

She is 11 years old and old enough to know to bring her clothes home. Stop buying her clothing. When she comes home and has no clothes in your home, refuse her to wear the dirty or stained clothes in your house. So when she only has an outfit or two there to wear over and over in a week, she might get the point that she can start bringing her clothes back with her.
I have the same problem with my SS's BM. Now he's only 5 so it's not him taking the clothing. But BM takes the clothes SS wears over there but sends him home in her clothing (without underwear or socks) and then asks for her clothing back. Now I know that she doesn't have much money to spend on clothing, but she takes his underwear and socks and that drives me crazy. I put notes on the tags so that I know what is mine. She only gets him every other weekend, so now I'm sending him in clothes. Sending his school shoes and play shoes because she takes him to school on Mondays. But this past weekend she took the shorts I sent him in, both pairs of socks, one of his play shoes, and both pairs of underwear. I asked for them back and she said she would leave them in the mailbox when she got off work. Well, that didn't happen. So now I'm not giving back any of her clothing until she gives back mine. So when she runs out of clothing, that means she will be forced to buy some more. Because she has to send him back clothed Smile Just work around it, sometimes it will work.

Persephone's picture

I hate this game. The clothes, games, whatever ultimately belong to the kids and therefore their responsibility to maintain and monitor.

A couple of things we did that seems to be working is this, when we receive hand me downs.. verrry nice ones, but a lot of them I have the girls create two piles.. one for here and one for there. Dress up clothes, stay here-- in my closet. The reasoning I use.. is they won't fall off the hanger and get all wrinkled. If they take favorites to dad's and forget them--- oh well. My set of girls are 12 14 live with me 100%. Dad doesn't buy anything because.. he pays me CS.

The other two kids 16 17 are 50/50 and it was more of a problem. Because we live so close to BM our solution worked. If they forgot something at BM's Bm delivered. and vice versa. As they got older. They have to ride their bikes to pick up forgotten items. We just had a scenario where SD who has 10 pair of underwear here... said I need new underwear. What how many do you need.. just bought some. He took them over moms because she doesn't keep up with the laundry. I told him.. hmmm you are old enough to do your own laundry. So go ride your bike and get them. Ever since we quit taxing for forgotten stuff they remember.

strugglingat28's picture

We can't stop buying clothes or she'll run out since she has been taking over 30 outfits to BM's house and continues to do it. BM won't give anything back. Like I said, she will sell them.
UGGGGHH!

Persephone's picture

stop buying clothes. By purchasing replacement clothes, you are enabling SD & BM's behavior. The situation has to bother SD more than it bothers you; SD has to be motivated to bring them back. When she has to wear the same outfit over and over she will start bringing the clothes back. All you have to do is to use some tough love and apply love and logic. If she complains, a simple explanation that she has chosen to take and leave her clothes at the other home. She needs to rethink a better solution. The solution will not not be purchasing more. She is 11, old enough to take responsibility for HER clothes. AND coming into the age where appearances matter. Let her fight BM for the return of the clothes. She got'em there and she can get'em back. If she chooses not to, it's her problem.

I feel your pain. We have played this game. When we quit playing, the situation resolved on its own. I would not participate by arguing. Matter of factly stated each persons responsibility and held them to it. I got sick of me suffering the consequences for their behavior.

This all falls into my favorite saying... Your poor planning is not my emergency. If you want to resolve this you can. Be strong, be consistent, and remove emotion. Ohhh... and Good luck!

rebeccaboule's picture

I was going to post the same thing! Stop enabling the BM for goodness sake! Let her run out!! So many people on here cause a lot of their very own misery, its so true.

Candice's picture

you can and should stop buying her clothes. BM is doing this intentionally just to maintain some control over you guys, and you two are giving her that control.

Okay, here is what you do....judge says he can't force "style" or force bm to spend cs on clothes...well judge can't force you to spend extra money on clothes, nor can they prevent you from checking the backpack.

1. You stop taking sd on her monthly spending sprees on buying "new" clothes. You just stop.

2. Let her wear the sloppy outfits she comes in from bm's house. Teach her how to launder her own clothes, and when she get's tired of wearing the same clothes over and over, she will begin to bring some of her own clothes to your house too.

3. When she is dressed inappropriately (like the mini skirts...whatnot), drag sd to goodwill and find her a replacement. There is nothing wrong with buying your sd used clothing to save on your money. I can tell that your sd has the attitude that she is "entitled" to have new clothes at the drop of a dime, well guess what? If she already has that sense of snobbery, she isn't going to like used clothing from someone elses' closet. Buy her age appropriate used clothing only when she is dressed inappropriately.

4. Even though the clothes are sd's, she isn't being responsbile with them. You make choices, you get consequences. When you intentionally take clothing from dad's and refuse to bring them back, then you lose the priviledge of taking them in the first place. If I were you....I WOULD BE CHECKING THE BACKPACK. You are NOT MACY'S.. YOUR SD ISN'T IN THE DRIVERS SEAT, SHE DOES NOT GET TO DICTATE WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HOUSE. IF YOU ARE BEING ROBBED OF YOUR CLOTHING THAT YOU PROVIDE SD, AND THEY ARE NOT FAITHFULLY BEING RETURNED, THEN DON'T LET THEM LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHEN SD EARNS THE PRIVILEDGE OF TAKING THEM, B/C SHE FAITHFULLY RETURNS THEM TO YOUR HOUSE, THEN YOU STOP CHECKING THE BACKPACK.

That is how you end this game. We went through this for years, and yes the clothes should be the kids', however, when you have a bm sabotaging your check book, then you need to take matters into your own hands. A judge can't reprimand you for not letting your clothes leave your house.

Good luck,
Candice

Gucci's picture

THIS^^^^^^^

Played this game for years. Over it. We just send them back in what they camein. Unless it was ours and returning. Then we just send them back in a school polo since they will get some fresh ones before school starts, they really don't matter. 

 

Disneyfan's picture

How does an 11 year old have enough balls to completely disregard what her father tells her to do?  If he had tied fire to her as the first time she ignored him on this, it would not be an issue now.

 

 

Candice's picture

the kids can't help what is going on, especially if bm throws the clothes away. I don't think that is happening in this particular one. I think sd is taking the clothes home, and bm isn't letting her bring them back, or she thinks that if she doesn't bring them back, she automatically just gets new clothes. I suspect that for this situation, the sd is being manipulative.

Your are right Cruella, everyone situation is different, and sometimes the kids are the ones getting punished. It's a hard line to distinguish sometimes. Just from what I read on this post, I suspet the sd is being manipulative, and she is capable of bringing her clothes back.

Bests,
Candice

strugglingat28's picture

I appreciate your ideas and strength in standing up to my SD. Yes, she is manipulative in many ways, not just this. We will stop buying her clothes everytime she runs out and we actually secretly took a couple of nice outfits out of her closet and put them away,so that she can have something appropriate to wear to church or school events. My SD knows that we won't take her to these events in sweats or mini skirts because it is an embaressment to both her and us. But, your ideas are good, and Cruella, yes every situation is different! My SD is definitely on her power mode now at 11yo and has told my husband and I that we can't stop her from taking her clothes to her mom's house! We told her that we will just stop buying more so she will be left without more clothes. Yes, again you are right - she thinks she is entitled to everything! BM teaches her that. We already pay BM so much! If you have seen my prior posts on child support questions, you will see that we pay almost $500/mo. in CS but we have custody more than BM! We have to pay for medical, dental, daycare, dance classes, and college on top of that! My husband gets punished because he works two jobs and provides a better life for his daughter, while BM doesn't work all the time. BM spends her money on herself, not her daughter, then cries how she has no money (she spends over $700/mo. on nails, tanning, hair styling, spa treatments!!). My SD then suffers because of it. It's very difficult. Even if we stop getting nice things for my SD, she suffers because her mom won't make up for that and start doing her share. She's way too selfish for that. I take it your BM situation is similar!
It just makes me frustrated that the clothes I buy or my family buys for her (which we don't even have to), gets taken and sold by BM.

Mary's picture

Here in my house what every the children receive clothes, gifts, toys.... are theirs to take where every they please. BUT, if they take their TV or whatever it is to their Dad's and don't bring it back OH WELL! It's their loss. They learned quickly to leave their items here. ExH was not as nice as allowing things to be returned. But, my children were in middle and high school. They were old enough to make this decision. If they left clothes, OH WELL they did not have it here to wear. They had to wait until next visit to regain it.

anna40's picture

We have lost things never to return. I have lost items of my own, and so has my daughter because my SD had either worn it or taken it over to the "other side." You won't get those items back. They don't come back for a reason...bitterness. The ex has fought over underwear, socks, earrings and even on one occassion, called the cops over an item of clothing (I kid you not), because the SD in question was not wearing it when we sent her back. This was when the ex was picking her up, which she will not do anymore. Anyways, she accussed us of "stealing" the clothing item and continued to scream and yell as we were assualting her (while she was in the middle of the street just after we moved into of our new house - nice impression, and my mother was over st the time.) We were not even outside at the time. A few, that's right, more than one police car showed up because she was screaming that her life was in danger - or something of the like (I heard from the window). I could think of nothing nothing else to do but light a lavender candle, chill wine for later, and turn on some classic jazz.

This is what I have come up with: Keep the clothing drawer simple and send them back with whatever them come over in. It takes a lot of discipline, but we had to, to protect ourselves. You get a few pair of jeans, a few pair of tees, sweatshirts, sweaters and the necessary items. When they don't come back, you don't worry about it. They won't come back. It's a sick game game being played by a sick person and if she sends her child back in awful looking clothes it's a no win situation. Till you can explain to the child when these clothes dissappear in the drawer, we won't have any dress clothes to go to dinner and you will need to try to look for them or wear them back from your Mom's. It took quite a few years for them to understand. Oh, and by the way, we didn't have that clothing item that she called the police item about, and they did nothing about it or anything else for that matter.

I am just waiting for the next ball to drop, but I can't talk about it with my HB. Sorespot. So I'm looking elsewhere. I feel your pain.

Mary Louise's picture

Although I have noticed that the things that don't return are the style she doesn't like the kids to wear. Every now and then we ask the kids if they have seen certain items. Usually they don't make it back because she NEVER does laundry. Seriously - a month later something will show up, but she buys clothes rather than wash them.

Colorado Girl's picture

in Colorado states the custodial parent, regardless of the split (even if it is 50/50) provides the clothing. Child Support in it's outrageousness covers this. BM and DH used to do the whole "weekend bag" thing and OMG the crap that she used to send in the bag. SOOOOO, I just started buying the girls clothes that just stay at our house. So now, she complains that it's "the girls" clothes, they should be able to wear them whenever they want. So, I leave it up to the girls - if they want to take something to their mom's house for the week they HAVE to bring it home or they lose the privilege. It works out pretty much for the most part. Also, when I first buy them a new outfit, it stays at our house for at least the first couple of times they wear it.

They also own quite of few shirts that read "Daddy's Girl" or "My Dad Rocks"....funny, I ALWAYS get those back.

Imustbcrazy's picture

SS has shirts that say "My Dad is the MAN" and "I get my looks from my Dad"! Never had a problem getting those back!

I have to admit though, I am one of those that is insistant upon getting OUR clothes back. SS is 4, he can't take care of it on his own or pick out his own clothes and I despise the way Bm dresses him, and so does DH. He wears PJ's most days to school when she takes him. I hate it. I just can't bring myself to send him to school in the clothes she puts him in. So, yeah... I am one of "THOSE" moms. Sue me. When he is old enough to decide what he wants to wear, maybe we will change things, until then... this is how it is. We send the clothes he came home in, in a back pack, back and forth every time he comes home. And we send em DIRTY, since we learned the hard way she doesn't know how to do laundry. Wink
Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

sshoho's picture

I used to buy my 14 year old stepdaughter nice clothes until she said (innocently) mom told me she doesn't have to buy me any more clothes because you and dad do it for me. That was it!

Her next 3 week trip) she brought 2 pairs of jeans 3 shirts and 3 underwear. I just did laundry every other night. That was the last time that happened. From then on she has come with plenty of clothes.