How to handle scheduling issues, switches, lateness?!?
So, many of you have set schedules for your Skids..please help.
The BM is doing EVERYTHING she possibly can to drive me out now that she has heard through the grapevine that I am considering leaving this very difficult situation.
BM has always been a pain about needing switches to the schedule, creating issues out of it, and is Always late! It's just gotten worse.
She intentionally keeps us waiting, even in her own driveway, and again, the court won't do anything about it. The court just said that we could arrange the pick-ups and drop-offs at the local police station if we agreed to that. Of course, my SD will be the one who has to sit at a police station if we agree and that still won't make the point to BM that she needs to stop being so disrespectful. She thinks that the world, especially our world, revolves around her.
BM has extended family around here, my husband does not. So, BM makes every request, as my SD does too, to go to every single little event for her friends and family. She and SD want to switch our schedules all the time, even when we have arranged our entire schedule around them to begin with. My husband always says its okay because it is true that my SD would be missing out on experiences with her family and we definitely don't want her to miss out on the experiences that are important, but the only way to show BM that we won't put up with it is to punish my SD too by not letting her go.
My SD will throw fits if she can't go and will say to us- it's not my fault you and mom are divorced so why should I have to miss out on stuff because of your schedule? Other people don't plan their lives around my divorced parents.
Obviously she was fed this line, but it is true. However, BM is feeding off of that and is intentionally making us late for work, appointments, everything...I'm tired of playing her stupid games. When my husband and I have plans or work, BM will screw it up.
My husband will not put his daughter through more of this drama so he keeps putting up with it and allowing the schedule to be changed at least 2-3x a week. It is difficult to deal with but I don't get to make these choices.
I try to be understanding, but this gets ridiculous after a while. Not to mention, it is just more of a chance for BM to create more drama or contact my husband all the time.
How do you handle this?
tough one
We actually make every attempt to allow the kids to chose which family events they go to, no matter who's night it falls on. We also try to handle things way ahead of time if possible. Everything is smooth with my Ex and his wife and we are way flexible. They even moved several blocks away last year so now it's pretty convenient.
We do not have a good relationship with my H's ex though. She is manipulative too. For instance, in 2005 I graduated with a BA. I put myself through most of the way, but finished my last couple semesters with my H. We really thought it would important for our kids to see me graduate, and planned the day (just dinner out after commencement.) A few weeks before his ExW called and demanded to have their daughter on that day, but wouldn't tell him what for or what time she needed to have her, so we could try to accommodate both. (She's very secretive/paranoid.) He is still friends with his Ex-inlaws and they mentioned (unaware of the drama) what the event was, where and what time. So...we left it up to SD. She chose her mom's family event. Her mom was supposed to pick her up the night before, but called that day to say she'd pick her up in the am (my commencement was at 9.) My H said fine, but she couldn't be late or SD would already be gone with us.
My thoughts on the whole thing? Well...SD seemed pleased we were all "fighting" over who got to have her that day, so I left it up to her. We discussed it at her counselor's appointment and I told SD "It will not affect my day one bit if you chose to go with your mom." The counselor said, "You mean to say that you will be SAD if she isn't with you, but you won't be upset with her for going with her mom."
Hmmmm.... nope. Not really. I was very tired of her developing ego related to "feeling so torn" all the time and everyone "fighting over me." So I said, "Well...let's put it this way. I would love for you to come to my commencement and graduation dinner, but I promise you're choosing your mom's family party instead will not lessen my day for me."
I don't think the shrink was all together happy with that statement. But as you talked about- sometimes I think the SD/BM can end up trying to get the most out of the drama that surrounds these issues. So we're very laid back about it when possible.
I would suggest you have a talk with your H and come up with a plan that you can both agree upon. Maybe if you look at it as a break from the drama you will look forward to the times her mom wants her extra! As far as the late pickup/drop offs we don't have much trouble with that as his Ex is OCD about punctuality. My biggest complaint is that she gives a time, then shows up 40 mins early and blares on the horn several times rudely (this is usually when my 2 year old is napping.) It's so bad my SD paces for an hour hovering by the door so her mom won't yell at her if she isn't right out there. In good weather she'll sit at the curb! But yet when we pick her up she never sends her out and makes my H (or me if he's out of town) come to the door.
I feel for ya!
Peace, love, and red wine
Switching schedules? NOT
I eased into this one. At first, I didn't know what hit me. I would plan something & at the last minute "plans" would change. Okay, I thought----no problem, I can be flexible. Then all of a sudden it hit me (after a few times). These people are controlling my days off! NO way was that going to happen.
We do not change the schedule (ever)nor do we skip a visitation. It is EOW punctually. If SS happens to want to do something else (which is rare), his father will visit him that weekend (instead of coming to our home).
But I will no longer stand for last minute changes. His X wife misses out on her "child-free" weekend if she changes her plans.
So she doesn't any more.
I never wanted to be away from my children when they were little---so her attitude is very disconcerting for me.
Scheduling Issues
I don't think there is any good answer. Give her a dose of her own medicine only causes more angst for the kids and it's vengeful. Trying to accomodate makes you feel like a patsy. Sticking to a rigid schedule can backfire in case you ever need some flexibility.
No good answers.
My DH and BM....
are notorious for this very thing. It's just makes everything so confusing. I encourage him to stick to the schedule as much as possible unless there is a VERY special event planned. Grandparents coming into town, that sort of thing. Otherwise everyone is confused, including the kids. We all have to adapt to the "split" time - including the kids.
That's why they are called permanent parenting plans. I'm a true believer to sticking to the schedule, that way there is no confusion. Special occasions, of course are flexible but 2-3 times a week, that's just not fair.
AGREED 100%
We have vowed to limit the switching, unless she just plain needs a sitter, then she just LOSES that time with him. NO switching invovled. It gets WAY to out of hand. Like right now we are in a "no switching time" until mediation is done next week. Every time SHE wants to switch (I seriously think we requested a switch MAYBE 3 times in the past 3 years) she goes off about how she wants to change the schedule, and DH DOES NOT WANT TO, so they end up arguing, so I implemented a ABSOLUTLY NO SWITCHING RULE, until after mediation. I am sick of hearing them fight.
Realistically, we have managed to minimize the switches and plan things AROUND the time that we have them. And if they don't get to go to something, it SUCKS, but sometimes it happens. That's life when you are divorced, sometimes your kids miss out on things. It is one thing to be flexible, but quite another to be taken advantage of.
Daddys Gurl
It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!
stick to the parenting plan for now....
We have had this problem in the past and then again most recently, we gave BM a little leway and she took a lot more. So we just went back to following the parenting plan, yeah it sucks for both sides, but if both parents can not cooperate then there is not a whole lot you can do, sometimes you just got to put your foot down, and it sounds like that is what you have to do, don't let both of them run over you!
It really is a no win situation....
Either the SD loses out and misses out on things she would not have to if her parents weren't divorced, or we punish her, since saying no is the only way to make BM understand and stop.
SD is giving us hell about it too. How to handle that? She doesn't care what BM does, BM can do no wrong to her.
Has anyone ever made it clear to her
That even kids whose PARENTS ARE MARRIED don't always get to do EVERYTHING they want. Sounds to me like she is SPOILED. Kids don't always have to get their way. It's okay to tell them NO from time to time and it has nothing to do with "punishing them" for their parents divorce. It's just LIFE.
Daddys Gurl
It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!
daddysgurl - THANK YOU - i
daddysgurl - THANK YOU - i have had the hardest time explaining that one to fiance. he hates to tell the kids no if there is any way possible. i have been trying to get him to understand that just b/c bm wants them to do something doesn't mean that WE have to rearrange our time.